Back at the beginning again...

[aca_rev55]

Everything was great for a while. And now I find myself back where I was in the beginning. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm starting to have panic attacks again. I've lost all motivation to keep trying. I no longer care about school. My grades have slipped so much that even I'm surprised at it. I've done poorly on my midterms, and what sucks the most is that I don't even care. I mean, I know I care, but at the same time I just... don't. I have no energy to care. I feel like there's no place I should be. I hate being at home because I don't feel like doing anything. I hate being at school because I have things I NEED to do but I just don't have any energy to be doing it, and then I get frustrated, then just stop caring all together. I just feel like throwing it all away and leaving it all behind. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to be something somewhere, but I just don't know what... let alone even care. Why don't I care? Obviously I know I should... but it isn't there. I feel empty. Completely void of emotion. Things used to be so good. Things last year were great... I remember thinking "How could I have felt so depressed before? How did I ever have those thoughts, or those feelings? Why did I feel the need to do those things to myself?" Now I find myself thinking "How could I have felt so good? How did I ever NOT have these thoughts, and these feelings? How could I have NOT done these things to myself?" I feel like crawling out of my skin... I don't want to be here, or there, or anywhere. It's like I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. It just, sucks.

 

[HolyOne87]

Everything was great for a while. And now I find myself back where I was in the beginning. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm starting to have panic attacks again. I've lost all motivation to keep trying. I no longer care about school. My grades have slipped so much that even I'm surprised at it. I've done poorly on my midterms, and what sucks the most is that I don't even care. I mean, I know I care, but at the same time I just... don't. I have no energy to care. I feel like there's no place I should be. I hate being at home because I don't feel like doing anything. I hate being at school because I have things I NEED to do but I just don't have any energy to be doing it, and then I get frustrated, then just stop caring all together. I just feel like throwing it all away and leaving it all behind. I don't know what I want anymore. I want to be something somewhere, but I just don't know what... let alone even care. Why don't I care? Obviously I know I should... but it isn't there. I feel empty. Completely void of emotion. Things used to be so good. Things last year were great... I remember thinking "How could I have felt so depressed before? How did I ever have those thoughts, or those feelings? Why did I feel the need to do those things to myself?" Now I find myself thinking "How could I have felt so good? How did I ever NOT have these thoughts, and these feelings? How could I have NOT done these things to myself?" I feel like crawling out of my skin... I don't want to be here, or there, or anywhere. It's like I'm lost in the middle of nowhere. It just, sucks.

I can strongly relate to you. I was the exact same way as you are one month ago. My grades were completely slipping mainly because of all the heartache i felt in one week(went from a 3.5GPA to a 2.7 GPA this semester)..i went through so much in one week that I couldnt take anything anymore(and im sure something probably got to you that caused you to care but not care about school and stuff).

Sometimes you might feel that way because you might be completely exhausted as well..exhausted and run down from school. But I urge you to stay strong!

What were those things last year that made you feel great? Maybe you need to try and bring those feelings back to present time.

Is there anything you love doing? That each time you do it, it makes you happy and makes you feel uplifted and alive? Like for me, doing things around my church helps me take a break from reality and help others more in need.

I know its hard to break out of how you are now and try and do something..because the feeling of complete nothingness. But I do hope you try and lift yourself up no matter how hard it is.It will pay off in the end. I almost lost a bunch of good friends over my choice of letting my grades slip (along with doing other things..like SIing and stuff). That gave me the drive to push myself up.

Things wont be like this forever. I pray that God grants you the energy and strength to pull yourself up from where you are now and have a happier life!

+God Bless+

*hugs*