Awkward situation.

[sammipher]

Here's the situation. My brother has a girlfriend....she has a little girl who is about 11 yrs old. They recently moved in with my parents(please no debate...that's their business not mine). The thing is I don't know them very well. But, from what I have known of them...does not make a great impression. The thing is saturday night I took Lilly to my parents. The little girl was fine...she ask could she hold her and I said she could as long as she did so on the couch and my mom watched. I had no problem with that. Then sunday night hubby and I went back over to my parents to drop off some stuff I had cleaned out of my closets. My dad held her...then my mom. Then my brother...anyways...as soon as he got her she goes and grabs a chair out of the kitchen and starts saying she wants to hold her. I say you can in just a minute..but, first let's sit on the couch...so I fixed her a spot and she had to wait her turn. Then my as my brother is holding Lilly...the little girl begins to holler "I wanted to hold her long before... you give her to me"...brother ignores her..then goes to long whiny loud calling out my brothers name....then to bratty behavior...before that point...I made the dec. no she could not hold her in my mind. I will not reward someone elses child for bad behavior and put my child at risk for someone dropping her because they are showing out. I think my brother could tell and said she was getting ill and needed to go back to her mommy. Well the little girl jumps up runs down the hallway screaming at her mom...crying very very very very loud...telling her mom to stop touching her...just giving a good show out. Hubby and I felt so awkward...we left right then. When I got home I called my mom about it and she said my brother talked to her about it and told her the same thing...she would not get rewarded for bad behavior and that I let her hold her saturday night when she was good. My mom said her mom didn't like it none to good. The thing is I think she was doing it cause she was jealous of my brother showing my daughter attention. My dad is really sick and sometimes can not leave home...what am I suppose to do? Recently we have cut ties with hubby's family for good(thread in marriage forum)...they are the only grandparents my daughter has. But, at the same time I am to protect her...so I have made the dec. not to take her over there til they move out...which is suppose to be next week...judging by past with them(this is not their first time moving in)...I am thinking next week will come and go and they still will be there. My mom want kick them out cause they are with my brother...and she would never do that with a child. My parents live on a very fixed income so them coming to see her may not happen as often as they would like...and my dad is really sick I don't want my daughter missing out on getting to him before he passes away. The thing is we didn't put up with that type of behavior with my hubby's neice who is about four or so...she acted very similar...this girl is 11 and her mom does not discipline her what so ever...so I will not show favortism...even if we do not see hubby's family anymore. My mom has apologized and said she herself is tired of the little girl's fits. Have any of you been in similar situations with other people's children? what did you do? I am really at a loss. I guess the best solution would not to go back over there, let my parents suffer for letting them stay there...they can say no...do you agree?

 

[Princessperky]

I would not allow her to hold your baby at ALL the next vist, for the safety of your baby. But I would also not stop visiting family. Maybe arrange it more when she is not there, and I am rude enough to tell the girl myself "No child screaming will hold my baby, act like an 11 year old or don't get the privledge. PERIOD." and I would be extra on my guard to make sure no one else is risking your baby just to keep the 11yo quiet or something. (gonna get harder when yours can walk away from you, sorry .)

I have some interesting behavior issues (had, actually getting much better as the children mature) with my nieces and nephews, I simply made it clear (sorry to the parents, not my problem) that I would not tolorate that sort of behavior. So if you want me to do anything for you you act repectfully. When DH and I went out in public with them we always got complimented on how WELL behaved they were, (which BTW some credit has to go to th parents for setting a groundwork to be dreged up for use with us) when out with thier parents, we don't want to mention those times, but it will never happen with us and parents again!

 

[Leanna]

PP, I would like to say though that children are notorious for behaving when they go out with extended relatives or friends and being brats and annoying when with their parents. It is because with their parents they feel secure enough to behave that way knowing their parents will still love them..... with others they are not so sure.

sammipher, I would continue to visit your parents. I'm not sure I totally understood the situation but if the 11 year old wanted to hold the baby and she kept getting skipped for someone else to hold her then I would totally understand her turning bratty. She was looking for acknowledgement and acceptance and instead she was ignored. That would make me sad as an 11 year old too. You should keep on visiting your family and just lay out the rules for what you want to happen, who you want to hold your baby. It won't be long before your daughter will be beyond the stage where everyone sits around and holds her anyway. Then she will either want to get down and explore or she may prefer mommy to hold her.... so its just a bump in the road, I wouldn't let my relationship with my family suffer. We can't raise other people's children, and 11 is a tough age anyway. I can remember my 13 year old sister being 11 and she was annoying and bratty. By 12 she was an angel and a joy to be around. So just hold on.... many emotional and physical changes going on with that young girl probably.... not to mention the whole Blended Family issues. I would venture a guess that wanting to hold the baby is a whole lot more about wanting to be accepted in your family and loved and acknowledged than it has to do with actually holding the baby. My dad married my stepmom when I was 9 and it is tough, please have grace.

 

[lucypevensie]

I'd not let the 11 year old confused (though admittedly bratty) girl keep me from visiting my parents. I'd say try again. If the girl starts throwing fits let her "parents" deal with her mostly. If she whines to you about wanting to hold Lilly you can explain to her, maybe in a humorous way, that Lilly would feel afraid of someone holding her who was whining and having a sour attitude. She should know what the rules are:sit on the couch, don't huff and puff, get impatient, say rude things, wait patiently for her turn. Otherwise no baby. She might not get the point the first few times you visit but I bet she'll figure it out - she seems smart.

 

[Princessperky]

PP, I would like to say though that children are notorious for behaving when they go out with extended relatives or friends and being brats and annoying when with their parents. It is because with their parents they feel secure enough to behave that way knowing their parents will still love them..... with others they are not so sure.

Yeah like I said some credit has to go to the parents for the foundation in place. But I still will NEVER go in public with them and their parents again! Oh and as a parent while I know DS and DD will (DO!) test with me, they don't do anything THAT bad! Maybe I better go find some wood? Kidding, I get a lot of compliments on how well behaved they are everywhere we go, but I often look at the people in wonder "did you not just see him ..fill in bad behavior here..!"

 

[dews]

I wouldn't let the girl hold your daughter. She wants attention. She certainly would get some if she dropped your daughter. It seems that she doesn't care if it negative or positive attention. I know that babies can be wiggly. Lily could easily fall. Your parents definately should see the baby often if your dad is really sick and could die. You may regret not seeing them more in the future. Maybe you could visit them when the girl is in school.

 

[Leanna]

Yeah like I said some credit has to go to the parents for the foundation in place. But I still will NEVER go in public with them and their parents again! Oh and as a parent while I know DS and DD will (DO!) test with me, they don't do anything THAT bad! Maybe I better go find some wood? Kidding, I get a lot of compliments on how well behaved they are everywhere we go, but I often look at the people in wonder "did you not just see him ..fill in bad behavior here..!"

Yeah I know what you mean I won't let my kids walk all over me either.

 

[shainamsu]

i have a situation kind of like this with my sister -- although she is nineteen and a mother herself. she and her 7-month-old son live with my mother, and for whatever reason, my mother refuses to travel without her (we live four hours apart). so when i visit them, she's there, and when they visit me, she comes here. i love my sister, but she can be incredibly rude and inconsiderate, feeling the need to even be physical, attempting to hit or kick me if she gets angry with me, which is almost all of the time. i've calmly explained to my sister and my mother what IS and IS NOT okay with me, what particular things i'm having problems with, and -- especially when they come to visit me in my house and especially since i'm having my own child that i have to be mindful of -- what IS and IS NOT allowed. i've continued the visits b/c i want to see my mother, and the situation with my sister has improved (in that, we just ignore each other).

it's important that you tell your parents how you feel -- maybe not about their own parenting choices, but maybe how the current situation is affecting you and what you will and will not allow to be around your baby. they should respect your decisions, and it may even lead to them having a more in-depth discussion with your brother and his girlfriend. at the very least, though, you should be able to visit with your parents and not have to worry about the safety of your baby.

 

[bliz]

An 11 year old girl goes to school weekdays. Visit then and avoid the whole mess. Even if it's just for a week or two, don't deprive your parents of seeing their grandchild to avoid one spoiled, illtempered child.

 

[sammipher]

i have a situation kind of like this with my sister -- although she is nineteen and a mother herself. she and her 7-month-old son live with my mother, and for whatever reason, my mother refuses to travel without her (we live four hours apart). so when i visit them, she's there, and when they visit me, she comes here. i love my sister, but she can be incredibly rude and inconsiderate, feeling the need to even be physical, attempting to hit or kick me if she gets angry with me, which is almost all of the time. i've calmly explained to my sister and my mother what IS and IS NOT okay with me, what particular things i'm having problems with, and -- especially when they come to visit me in my house and especially since i'm having my own child that i have to be mindful of -- what IS and IS NOT allowed. i've continued the visits b/c i want to see my mother, and the situation with my sister has improved (in that, we just ignore each other).

it's important that you tell your parents how you feel -- maybe not about their own parenting choices, but maybe how the current situation is affecting you and what you will and will not allow to be around your baby. they should respect your decisions, and it may even lead to them having a more in-depth discussion with your brother and his girlfriend. at the very least, though, you should be able to visit with your parents and not have to worry about the safety of your baby.

Wow....I feel much worse for your situation...that is awful of your sister to be like that at an adult age and a mother. I am glad to see you say it has improved.

 

[sammipher]

I thank you all for your posts. I talked with my mom earlier today and she said that after my brother had the talk with her..she seemed to understand things better. I wanted to touch on leanna's post(btw great post)...I too am a step-child. My parents were divorced for most of my life and have recently gotten back together these past five years. My dad and I are just getting on the talking and forgiving stage of our life(his illness has really brought us together and being saved made me realize I have to forgive him and try again if he is trying to change...which he is with me...he calls me everyday just to check on us..this coming from a man who use to "forget" to pick me up for visitation....I am enjoying getting to know him)...long story short he was a horrible father back then. I will always consider my step-dad my father...and I do remember what it was like as a child wanted to accepted into his family...which I was blessed with a great step family who loved me. So that was why I went over there the night before. I made up a cute purse with some brownies I cooked...some candy...children's playing cards...a bookmark..and a bible...I also invited her to church so she could met some new friends...since she is from another state. That night that I posted about hubby and I were bringing her things that we cleaned out of one of our closets(we had some kid stuff that Lilly is too young for) The thing is...we accept her. My family is open that away. But, her mother does not discipline her...she basically let's her children say and do as they please. She has another child who currently lives with grandparents cause he hit on her and the little girl. I think the little girl has had a really rough life. Maybe she does do it for attention. That day though we did not ignore her...I was chatting with her and such...we told her she had to weight her turn....cause my brother had only held her for like a minute when it started. As for going when she is not there...and I know this is awful..but, her mother has not enrolled her into school yet. I really don't know what to think of it and have told my mom that it isn't right. It may be the first of next month before they get a place...and since they can not find a apartment available in their price range they are thinking of staying another month! As a caring parent and christian I feel like maybe I should talk to them about having her enrolled at a school...but, then knowing my brother he might think I was over steping my boundaries and get all blowed up. My mom says the little girl maybe failing cause she has missed so many days and says that it came straight from my brother's mouth. Cause her mother kept checking her out of school to come see my brother. See they are in a on and off again relationship. Everytime they break up she has a "crisis" and comes running back to my family. With all this going on...that's why I just know about going back over there...I just don't know what to think anymore.

 

[sammipher]

sorry to post such long posts..but, besides hubby I have no one else to tell this to...I don't think my mom gets what I am saying sometimes and I don't like to upset my dad.

 

[Neenie1]

Yep, I hear what you are saying. My BIL and SIL live with MIL, now that is their business too, but see, they don't discipline their son very well, (he is 2 in Jan next year) and it is starting to show as he gets older. In fact he stood on one of ds toys on Sunday, and was told by BIL to get off it. So he gets off it, 1/2 hour later he is at it again, now dh had had enough of this and asks nephew to get off it, but now we are getting told off because of nephew's behaviour. (there is more to it than I have written here) it is the attitude of nephews parents of not doing anything when he is doing wrong that gets to us. But what can we do. We are determined not to let it stop us from seeing MIL. She has no transport except buses so it is easier for us to go and see her.

I think you just need to ride this out. If you are uncomfortable with the girl holding your baby then you have every right to say so. After all, God gave you your daughter to protect and nurture her, and if she is unsafe then it is your job to make her safe, if you see what I mean.

Maybe try and find times to visit while she is not there, I don't know what else you can do.

This is a tough one.

 

[Princessperky]

On the school thing, I can think of three reasons not to enroll a kid,
1. if the move will take her to another school district, not only will she have to be the new kid twice in short term, but mom will have to un-enroll her (and re-enroll in the other school).
2. (this is my reason) Mom might prefer Home Education, or
3. Sheer laziness. If they are enrolled someone has to get up at a horribly early hour of the morning to get them on a bus or drop them off! (ok so that DOES play a factor in me not sending mine to traditional school!)

If NO learning is going on, you can 'mention' the law aspect . If she 'claims to be home educating' you might want to pop over the board here and read up a few ideas of what others are actually doing to help encourage the mother to do some fun learning stuff. A few hints of the more fun aspects might help. No one really loves the drudgery paperwork part, though at some point in a childs life it should be learned (IMO)

As far as accepting kids, your first priority is to your baby, then after that it sounds like you are already doing some wonderful things for that little girl. I hope she does go to church wiht you and gets a chance to be around (hopefully) better examples of behavior and such.

Some things my relatives love to do around my kids (that just happen to be educational):

Read to my little one(s) (babies don't mind lousy reading and the best books are easy to read, inspiring confidence, which my best guess is more what the girl needs than advanced courses - though it could be the opposite)

Naming body parts I know whats so educational about that? well you would be amazed at how many kids (yes at 11) do not know where their ankles are! So after you run out of fingers and toes (which is good for your baby to hear, yes even at this small age) then move on to ribs, or wrists, or scalpula (mainly cause it is a funny word, most kids will remember it)

All sorts of stuff can be snuck in, though it certainly is NOT your job to do, it will help the girl to be using her brain, and especially to be rewarded for using her brain. So when she finally does get back into learning (assuming of course she isn't currently, whcih I don't know her I shouldn't assume) The muscles are not totally out of commision (the brain is a lot like a muscle, use it or lose it)

 

[Leanna]

Unfortunately we can't do much if other people want to hold their children back in life by doing silly things like not enrolling them in school (assuming they are not home schooling)..... its sad to watch though....

 

[sammipher]

Well on princessperky's post...#3 would be why she didn't enroll her...from my stand point. I talked to my mom about it today...she did say that the little girl did get enrolled today at a local school near my parents. Her first day will be tom. Meanwhile my mom is going crazy they are really getting on her nerves. She said that today alone this is what happend:
My mom goes in the living room to watch t.v...the little girl comes in from another room...starts pitching a fit that she never gets to watch t.v. and all my mom does is watch t.v. during the day(keep in mind her mother PAYS NOTHING THERE and has no job...she is living off her grandparents money!!!!)..My mom...blood boiling...tells the little girl nicely that is not true and that my dad had been watching cowboy movies all day(I did not see why she has to explain herself to an 11yr old)..she says well at least you got to watch something..my mom also said earlier that night she let her watch cartoons for awhile. Well while she throws a tantrum and back talks my mom...her mom is just sitting there and says NOTHING. My mom has been telling them for awhile now...not to touch her dogs. The little girl kicks and hits them...my mom has caught her and told both her, her mom, and my brother not to let her do it. Well tonight she kicked one of my mom's dogs and he tee totally bit her...her mom went to hit my mom's dog and mom stepped in and told her not to ever touch her dogs again. For these reasons I am not going back over there. I am a vocal person when it comes to my family and I would be done have a serious talk with her mom if she back talked my mom. Her mom has a "I don't care attitude....as long as someone else watches her". I have tried and I am done. I hate to say this but I think her mom lives off of other people...she always has some sort of crisis and needs to move in with someone...then she doesn't pay anything...and is always going to find her a place. Right now they are taking their time cause "They want a dog"...ok her daughter beats them...as well as her...she is living rent free...actually everything free and you are gonna take your time? I know my parents and my brother are just as much to blame cause my mom can put her foot down. So I told her tonight..til their gone....I want be back over.

 

[Princessperky]

That is terrible to hurt a dog just cause you are mad! That little girl needs help!

And you are right, the mom does sound like a 'perpetual victim'. Always some problem that someone should help her with, and not likely she will ever try to stand on her own two feet, poor kid growing up with that.

Your mom on the other hand sounds like a nice person who is willing to take to much and getting walked on .

 

[Leanna]

Its too bad that girl will already be behind in school and missed out on the beginning of the year that is a big time for making new friends... it seems so unfair for some kids to have parents like that...