Avoiding

[mich_ellie]

A couple of years ago now I was diagnosed with ADD and started on medication to balance the chemicals in my brain right away. I didn't notice any changes in my mood, only in my school performance. And I think the school performance change was really from meeting supportive people who got me motivated.
My mom talked me into going to this ADD clinic held at the hospital. I had to fill out a bunch of papers... Most of it I said 'never', even though I really felt it all the time. When I knew it was ruling out other disorders, I knew I wasn't honest. I went online and took numerous tests and found out that most results came up bipolar.
My life finally makes sense. Why I feel depressed sometimes. It sometimes seems as though I am 2 people. I feel so bad sometimes (Kinda like now), but I hold it in, hoping no one will notice. I told some of my friends, and one is going to help me with getting help/treatment, but it is so hard. I have been through a lot in my life.
One thing it really effects is my relationship with God. I will be either super close and loving Him, to being upset with the struggles in my life.
I feel as if I have this horrible relationship with my dad. I know he doesn't treat me right sometimes- yells and stuff. But inside I feel as if it's worse.
I don't want to be bipolar, I don't want to deal with it. I have been working with it, sometimes skipping my ADD meds because I know they will make what I think is the mania worse. I am a really gentle person but it tears me up inside.
In a way, I am super nervous. I have been avoiding getting help for a while, but I know going without treatment will make it worse. I have already done stupid things caused by whatever disorder I have.
Oh man, this sounds confusing.. and a little crazy!

 

[Soulwings]

Aw love, it doesn't sound crazy - it sounds like you are simply a person who is just discovering that she may have bipolar. I can't diagnose you, but from what you said it sounds like you have something other than ADD. I have had bipolar II since I was about 16-17, although I wasn't diagnosed until I was 18... so I know how it feels, the (hypo)mania (which is the phase that I'm in right now), the suicidal depression, etc. I am so glad that a friend of yours is helping you get help - that's so very important. If I may ask, how old are you? because if you are still living with your parents and are reliant on them, it would probably be a good idea to let them know about the treatment. I don't know your parents, though, so I can't say for sure. Just an idea.

I think that a lot of people with bipolar say that it affects their relationships with God. I know it does mine. Sometimes I feel super close to Him, but other times I get angry with Him and feel like blaming Him for my problems, although I haven't done much of that lately - am learning that it's not His fault that I am going through this.

Anyway, if you need to talk, feel free to drop me a PM or a visitor message. I'd be glad to talk more with you. Take care of yourself, and good luck getting the help that you need!!

 

[Alive again]

Amen to all April said and welcome to our forum from me!

 

[mich_ellie]

Thanks!! That helps, a lot
I am 16. I haven't had to great of a relationship with my parents. In September I made the decision that being at home was really hard. My mom is not home a lot, and my siblings are both older and moved out. I sometimes just feel like they treat me a lot different. I do love my family- they are nice people.
But when I told my pastor about me feeling like I needed to leave and live at my aunts for a while, he talked to both my parents. My parents and I had this awkward conversation... And since then they have acted differently.
I will tell them after a while, most likely before I do any treatment. I haven't heard back from my friend, but it will be soon.

 

[WEBBGURL]

hi M. sometimes people just don't understand. How can they when they are "normal." Although i am not bipolar, I have had several issues in the area of mental health, and my heart goes out to you. My mother couldn't understand, and being a person of color just made it more difficult for me. The ethnic communities really struggle with admitting to any mental health issues. The Bible mentions many times that believers were struggling, but somehow we skim over that to their deliverance. You are not bad or evil because you have a mental issue. You must get the help you need and deserve. Don't stop going to mental health doctors or going to the Almighty Physician. You will need both. Hugs here from some who understands. Keep your head up!

 

[Jeshu]

At least you are discovering that there are problems. At your age I thought it was the Devil and his mates who were talking to me when I heard voices and that God was angry with me when I felt depressed. An incredible mess that made of my faith in The End, though Jesus put it right when I took it all to Him, such takes some time to take on, bad habits seem to die hard.

My advise is get to see a few good doctors and get treatment and learn to know and love God also in your down turn, whatever your mood might be like His love is better than life. Such will make your life much more bearable.

Much good will your way.

Gerry

 

[mich_ellie]

At this point I never really go to Jesus in my down turn, I wish I could. My mind just tells me to not go there- that it would ruin something. I don't really know. I just know it is HARD.
I haven't gotten much sleep the past couple of days. I got a lot on my mind, and it's keeping me from sleep. I hate taking sleeping pills- I hate taking pills. From previous experiences I don't trust myself.
I did fall asleep in class today, it was for a very short time, but I think I will sleep better tonight, hopefully

 

[Jeshu]

At this point I never really go to Jesus in my down turn, I wish I could. My mind just tells me to not go there- that it would ruin something. I don't really know. I just know it is HARD.

I understand that this is so. From personal experience I know that this is also the reason why life is often so hard for you when you are down and so much misery comes your way, for depression lies, and only the truth can keep us away from its misery. The Master of despair hates it if we would go to Jesus for help so he makes it looks hard, or lies about what Jesus would say to you all to keep you captivated by depressions oppressive and loveless rule.

The truth is that no one helps better in deepest depression than Jesus, for when life becomes Hell, He knows the way out. Honestly dear nothing will benefit you more than learning to have a relationship with Christ in your downs.

I hope you try, though I know at first it will be very hard to not let the lies rule, but persist, and I promise you, you wont regret it!

 

[mich_ellie]

I am in a pretty down mood at the moment, but I do get exactly what you are saying.

I was at church last night, and spoke to the friend who I said was going to help me with this. I thought she was maybe going to get me to talk to someone or whatever, but I guess not. She wants me to talk to one of my teachers.
I just can't talk about it.
When I am in a better mood I will try to get some help with it.
What I am thinking... Is if I go get tested or whatever, they may say I don't have it. I might not be able to say whats really going on inside, because I hold all those emotions in and I am good at hiding them. I don't get so angry but it's all piled up inside.
When I am in my down mood I act kind of grumpy... When I am around my friends I don't even know how I act... I just hate showing that I am down, because that ruins it for everyone. When I am around my parents I either just be grumpy or avoid them.
Now I feel like punching a wall.
I can't think of what else to write...

 

[Jeshu]

I am in a pretty down mood at the moment, but I do get exactly what you are saying.

I was at church last night, and spoke to the friend who I said was going to help me with this. I thought she was maybe going to get me to talk to someone or whatever, but I guess not. She wants me to talk to one of my teachers.
I just can't talk about it.
When I am in a better mood I will try to get some help with it.
What I am thinking... Is if I go get tested or whatever, they may say I don't have it. I might not be able to say whats really going on inside, because I hold all those emotions in and I am good at hiding them. I don't get so angry but it's all piled up inside.
When I am in my down mood I act kind of grumpy... When I am around my friends I don't even know how I act... I just hate showing that I am down, because that ruins it for everyone. When I am around my parents I either just be grumpy or avoid them.
Now I feel like punching a wall.
I can't think of what else to write...

Thank you for sharing that with me.

I know so well what you mean. I myself hid my illness from my parents and from my wife and kids as well - for years - until a full blown psychosis blew my cover away forever. I have been so sorry that I hid it for so long suffering was so steep then.

For in the dark with no one to see the misery of depression, depression can get at you really bad. Sharing your suffering with your loved ones helps heaps for to put your suffering in the light is the first move you must make to get away from it.

Think about this carefully - depression brings darkness alive inside - exposing the darkness to the light will absolve the darkness, for the light will teach you to deal with the darkness positively - times for sleeping and repairs or meditation and prayer - and so suffering will lessen as you learn the skills to deal with the negativity.

However this depends a lot on your loved ones. You need people who genuinely love you and will stand up for you when you fall down, not kick you in the gut as some so called loved ones do. So pick carefully, loving, caring and open people work, but judgemental (unloving) people make things worse.

Getting you diagnosed and on proper medication before things get too much worse for you is still the advise I would give you. If one doctor refuses to heed you, just find another one, until an in-depth analysis will uncover what the problem is most doctors are really good at determining what is wrong for they know very well which questions to ask.

(You could keep a mood diary - as long as you fill it in honestly - for doctors will quickly see if you fake it or make things worse than it really is. Depressed people know things about what they are feeling that non depressed people don't know about. Doctors know that!

A mood diary could be very helpful also to understand yourself better and how your cycles go. After 6 months or so you will begin to see clear patterns and triggers and can take measures in dealing with all that.

hoping you find help soon.