Attraction and intimacy

[hisbloodformysins]

I know it won't do a whole lot of good focusing on this, writing about it, responding to it. Yet at this moment a feel a little discontent. My hubby and I certainly have come far. But lately I get discouraged, actually it's always been a source of guilt on my part..... that I don't feel attracted to my hubby.

My hubby is a good enough looking man, but his personality is a big turn off for me. I am a serious person and he is like a big 10 year old. He wants to crack jokes or make stupid comments all the time, and he expects me to respond. Being how I cannot respond in a nice way because i'm annoyed, he persues it and pushes it, and when I express my annoyance with it, he lashes out at me in defense. And when we go to kiss, at the very last second he'll do something stupid like make a goofy face or lick his lips, or shove his tongue into my mouth, and it inferiates me and turns me off. When he wants to cuddle he holds me tightly and won't let me go, and gropes at me, telling me that he has first rights to my body. He is extremely obnoxious and that is a huge turn off to me. He acts worse when he hasn't gotten any for a while, and of course he still doesn't get any because of how irritated I feel. I have tried to force myself to get intimate, or cuddle with him, but I end up feeling so combative on the inside that he does one little thing and I violently shove him away. My hubby really annoys me.

I already know some of you are going to ask or say "have you talked to him about it.... you should talk about things and work things out". Well, trust me, I have talked to him about it, and I still talk and talk and talk to him about it. We went to counseling for a short while and I brought it up there. Occassionally he will work on it, like me with my meanness, it's not easy or natural for him to change the way he behaves. Yet, lately he doesn't care. Then he whines saying "you don't love me, I need affection... blah blah blah". And a lot of times when I bring it up or say something about it he becomes obnoxiously defensive saying "you just need to accept me for who I am".

It's not only this, but even during our more serious times, I don't enjoy kissing him or making out with him. I think sometimes it's his breath, which a lot of times I will say something. Or maybe it's his mustache, I've asked him to shave it, or maybe it's just the shape of his mouth, this sounds really bad but true, he has a characteristic that he inherited from his mom of having a big mouth and something about that, or the way he makes an expression turns me off. Yes, sometimes I am not physically attracted to my hubby. But I've dated ugly guys before and still enjoyed making out, it's really personality I think. My hubby is either too rouch, or doesn't touch seductively enough like what comes natural to most, he seems all mechanical and he makes unattractive noises..... the list goes on. I do not enjoy making out or kissing my hubby, I never did so. The thing is, I really want to.... I have prayed about this. My hubby does feel rejected, and his love language is physical touch.

HB :o

 

[karla]

Don't tkae this the wrong way because it is a serious question - Why did you marry him? I mean was he different when you were dating and engaged and then he changed after marriage or was he like this from the beginning? If it's the latter, then it is really not being fair to him. If that is the way he has always been, then it's not fair for you to ask him to change. If he has changed, then it is something that he needs to work on. I think being physically intimate is important in a marriage, but it's not healthy for you to force yourself to do it because you will only resent him more. Maybe there are some habits that you don't care for that you can ignore. If he change sone thing, then praise him for it and leave it at that. Don't continue to bring up other things over and over again because he will then start to feel as though it doesn't matter what he does you will never be satisfied. He can't really change physical things about himself like his mouth - that's just the way he is. The more you praise him for the things that he is doing right, the more he will want to do to please you.

Praying for you

 

[Jenna]

You could invest in some of those funky costume glasses with the fake nose and try making out with them on. lol Seriously, I know that there are times when guys can be really annoying when they want to joke around, but it's not usually a new developement. If we could love them enough to marry them before, it can't be TOO bad. What helped me was to change my thought pattern when I would be getting stuffy. Instead of rolling my eyes and getting my undies in a twist, I would do something equally silly. Things became more fun, I started smiling more, was more forgiving of him, and he made more of an effort to be serious because I made an effort to lighten up. Once you get the personality issues dealt with, I'm sure that the physical stuff will fall in place.

 

[GirlieGirl]

I really feel for you. Sometimes hubby will get into that "everything is a joke mood" and it puts me off a bit - no a lot. I understand your desire for him to just be sincere and calm with you. And I understand how an immediate outburst of "What are you doing?! Just let me be an adult woman with you and you in turn can be an adult man with me. I can't make out with a man who makes me act like his mother!" is very hard to tame. I think for me, it has been about displining those first split second of intense irritation and taking him calmly in my hands and saying "I need you to be sincere with me right now. No jokes, no games. Just love me gently". I've had much progress with this if my tone is gentle.

 

[InTheFlame]

HB - *hugggggggggggggggg*

It sounds almost comical, but I understand this must be a real source of pain for you. I don't know if i'll help at all, but I had a couple of thoughts as I was reading your post.

First, sounds like hubby needs to recognise that there's appropriate and inappropriate times to muck up. Would you be happy to smile about him acting like a clown 95% of the time if he was serious and considerate when physically intimate with you? Maybe if you make it clear in very basic ways - happy face (even if it's forced at first) when you're not physically intimate, sad face/frown when he gets silly during 'sexy' times. And lots of encouragement when he's getting serious about making out with you.

Second, I'm not surprised you're not turned on when he IS being serious. You don't feel respected, or honoured, or cared about.

Third, are there ways to get him feeling loved and cared about that AREN'T obviously sexual? Things like back massages, a hug when you or he get home from work, a favourite meal cooked once a week?

I don't know how much this has helped

Hmmm... a couple of books which MIGHT help... Love Must Be Tough and Boundaries in Marriage.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Thank you all for your responses. First of all, we didn't date a real long time before getting married, and no, he didn't act like a "goof ball" except when he's around his family, he's the youngest, and they laugh at him and encourage it. When we were just dating, for some reason that didn't bother me, just seemed a little attention seeking, but now that I've had to live with it through 5 years of marriage, I have gotten a little irritated with his family for enabling it. And i understand now why his mom got short with him and made the comments she did when he "acted out" around them. She seemed really irritated (of course now when I express my irritation with him around her, like a momma she jumps in to defend him).
Good point about joking back..... I've used that tactic before to keep from feeling out of control with anger and from letting him have the upper hand... because when he sees I'm irritated, he'll act out even more sometimes. And it is interested to see his response, it's unexpected.
However, as for the other things that turn me off, for some reason I don't enjoy making out with him, and I feel really guilty about it. I feel like our relationship is abnormal, and our marriage isn't whole because i have those feelings, and I pray that God will help me be more romantically attracted to my hubby. It makes him feel bad, yet I cannot help the way I feel. I want to enjoy my hubby. After all, he's my hubby. I don't want to feel like somethings missing, it makes me feel all bad inside.

Thanks again,

HB

 

[Jenna]

Many, many times it is the little annoying things that keep ladies from feeling aroused at the idea of being intimate. I've heard it from tons of women that they just don't feel attracted to their mates, and when it comes down to it, it is usuallly a byproduct of something else that is going on. To be honest, if there was no chemistry, you probably wouldn't have married him. I'd be willing to put my money on the educated guess that there is a spark there. However, I know how hard it can be to look at a man with desire when.........well, when he seems to be acting like an idiot. *laughs* I'm not saying that your husband is one, mind you. I'm just saying that I've been there before. I rotated between rolling my eyes, snapping in anger, or just ignoring him. Um, that didn't work out well for us at all. I wouldn't advise doing any of that stuff. However, things that did help were recognizing some of the issues. I needed to lighten up and play more. Also, it really helped when I realized that my husband's most common form of coping with awkward, stressful, or hurtful situations is avoidance. That was the first thing that came to mind when you said "because when he sees I'm irritated, he'll act out even more sometimes". I don't think that he's purposefully trying to get to you, really, I don't. But, maybe he doesn't want to face your disappointment head on, or any number of every day issues.

 

[heartnsoul]

Hello,

Funny this topic of conversation came up. I have been married 10 years now and my husband acts like a kid most of the time too. We do not have any children. When people ask me if I have kids, I respond, "I have four dogs and one child, if you consider my husband being the child." And people just laugh. My husband even thinks it's funny. He'll respond, "Yeah, isn't that great? That's me...a forever kid! Who wants to grow up?"

I've learned to tolerate it and accept the fact that he's like that. Every once in a while when I want to have a serious conversation, I'll say to him nicely in advance that I want to talk about something serious. Believe me, I can relate to how you feel. I really believe that things will work out one way or another because God will use marriage to help both partners grow. I've learned to be more tolerant, accepting and slow to anger with my husband. I have also learned to forgive his meanness and insensitivity sometimes. We cannot change our husbands, just like they can't change us. Only God can change our hearts. So I've given up trying to change my husband.

I honestly believe women are wired differently than men. Men have a much higher testesterone level than we do so they can get sexually aroused without any effort. Us women need more mental caring, conversation and TLC. That's why there's always that joke about the "Honeymoon being over." It does take two people to make a marriage a "honeymoon", but hey--all you can do is work on yourself. I just pray for my husband everyday and I am committed to honor my marriage even though it's not 100% what I expect it to be. It sounds like you and I are married to the same type of man.

Don't feel guilty for not feeling any passion towards your husband. I bet a lot of women out there are in the same boat as us. One of my girlfriends decided to get pregnant just to break the boredom of her marriage. She also had girlfriends who didn't feel much passion towards their husbands anymore. I really think this must be a phase in a marriage that we all go through. Hopefully time & God will move this phase into the next phase of marriage. Hang in there. I trust that God is faithful and good things are going to come if we just believe. Nothing in life stays the same forever (other than God), and change is inevitable. So our marriages will change. With God in our lives, it will change for the better.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Thank you for your responses, they are encouraging and helpful.

HB

 

[Svt4Him]

Did he have a mustache while you were dating?

 

[heartnsoul]

You could invest in some of those funky costume glasses with the fake nose and try making out with them on. lol Seriously, I know that there are times when guys can be really annoying when they want to joke around, but it's not usually a new developement. If we could love them enough to marry them before, it can't be TOO bad. What helped me was to change my thought pattern when I would be getting stuffy. Instead of rolling my eyes and getting my undies in a twist, I would do something equally silly. Things became more fun, I started smiling more, was more forgiving of him, and he made more of an effort to be serious because I made an effort to lighten up. Once you get the personality issues dealt with, I'm sure that the physical stuff will fall in place.

Jenna, your comment about the "funky costume glasses and fake nose " is HILARIOUS!! I couldn't stop laughing when I read that. Your humor is wonderful! Power to all of us women!! WOOHOO!!

 

[Desert Fox]

He gropes at me, telling me that he has first rights to my body.

How does this make you feel? How does this make you think about him?

I like to be touched and caressed by someone I love, but at the right time and in the right way. If your husband is just clumsily pawing at you and groping you with his mits at awkward moments, I can imagine that this could make you really upset.

Maybe you could give him some little instructions about how, when and where on your body he can touch you. Also, set down some ground rules about how, when, and where on your body he can look at you (this can be REALLY annoying too). Maybe you should make him read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" -- God wants us to respect boundaries.

Lay down some rules -- it's your body and he shouldn't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. You didn't get married for that. There really is no difference, realistically speaking, from a husband touching/looking at a wife inappropriately and marital rape. It is all breaking boundaries that should present in a Christ-centered relationship.

Did he do this before you were married -- did you know before you married that this way of doing things was part of his operating procedure?

 

[PerfectPaisley]

Bad breath, groping, noises, big mouth, hairy mustach, clumsy. You make your husband sound as though his is something out of wild kingdom. It is hard for me to believe that these are new habits. Maybe these things did not bother you in the beginning of the relationship but have gotten annoying over time. It sounds as though he just likes to play around but that you would like something more gentle and romantic. Maybe or obviously he is not good at foreplay but instead prefers roughplay. Maybe if you spent a little time away from him you would began to realize the qualities that attracted you to him in the first place. He doesn't sound like a bad guy. He just needs to know what turns you on and off. Try and work with what you have and turn it into what you need. And do like I do be up front about the breath. Babe I think you need a mint, works fine for me. Or, did you forget to brush you teeth. Maybe you could do some role playing. Maybe he could be a lion and not a bear all the time and you could wear a animal print nightee. Might work. Give him a chance. Fruit(oranges) or candy by the bed helps too. Maybe buy him some cologne and see what happens.

 

[alaskamolly]

I don't think that he's purposefully trying to get to you, really, I don't. But, maybe he doesn't want to face your disappointment head on, or any number of every day issues.---Jenna

Hmmm...I have to agree that that could be the issue here (though who knows!)...

I know that the more coldness/revulsion a man feels coming from his wife (and they know it's there, even if it's unspoken), the more he bumbles and goofs. Almost as if he is without control--like he wants to stop and would do anything to be more suave, but the more rejection he feels, the more tense/nervous he gets, and so the more bumbling his responses becoming...which leads to more rejection, which leads to even more bumbling, etc... Not a good cycle to get permanently stuck on.


I don't know if this has much to do with this situation, but early in my marraige we had somewhat of a similar situation... Not like you've described, but I did go through this time where I simply did NOT find the man attractive at ALL.

And all I know is that the "colder" and more disgusted I was feeling towards my honey, the LESS suave and sexy he literally became. It's like he had no confidence in himself, and just got more and more irritating...Without that confidence (via my positive and active response), it was like he sprouted 2 left feet, the poor guy!

After realizing that (and also realizing that he NEEDED me to need him, and that I was hurting him by not wanting him) I then also found that the more I initiated, or was excited by his advances and responded in turn, then his own reactions responded in kind and he turned into Mr. Wonderful on the spot!

For a while, I had to fake any passion. It literally was an act of worship to God for me to do that, because I did not FEEL one bit of it, but I knew that blessing my husband by WANTING him was what he needed most of all, AND was bringing glory to God...so for that reason, and that reason alone, I did it.

But just that "acting" like I was aroused and interested in him was enough for him--it at least began building up his confidence again, and he became much more comfortable again and not nearly so clumsy. After I made it through that difficult time (of working VERY hard to be aroused for his sake), the attracted-feelings all came back to me (and did they ever!) ...and then my response wasn't just for his sake anymore! Heeheehee... (And at that point in the story, I'll leave out many personal details in the interest of privacy)...


It's hard for me to even remember that time now, because he is SO attractive to me now, and has been for some time, but there literally was a time when I found him terribly repulsive! (Maybe it was a hormonal thing in me or something???I dunno?)


Warm Regards,
Molly

 

[Busybee]

Of course, everyone's personalities are different, but my husband and I are alot like what you've described as your husband. We are very playful, joking, and even get into tickle/wrestling matches. Hide and go seek in the house. Even the licking in crazy places.

I've found that this all keeps our marriage fun and alive (and even leads to some more "serious" fun ). It's spontaneous, free fun for us. However, like I said, personalities are different.

Try getting frisky back with him some time, or doing some of the same stuff right back to him. If he licks you at some crazy time, do it right back to him. You'll both either get a chuckle out of it, or he may decide not to do it to you any more if he doesn't like it