At least I made it a month.

Hidden face_Hurting heart · Mar 4, 2005

Well, I'm pretty new to SI...started it just before Christmas. I was addicted the first time I did it. Maybe it doesn't seem like my problem is serious because I'm new to it, and I made it pretty much all of February without it...I don't know. Maybe it isn't. I bruise and welt. Like I said, I made it almost all of February without it, but yesterday I gave in and it was worse than before. It was the first time I ever felt the need for ice afterwards...hopefully the last time as well. My arms hurt when they brush against my body and I know I'll be wearing long sleeves for at least a week. I know if I made it a month without once, I can do it again. I almost feel guilty for posting...I know that what I'm going through isn't near as much as some of the rest of you. I'm sorry about that. It doesn't seem fair to you for me to complain. Agh....confusion...

I'm doing better today than I have been though- not near as depressed as the past week. I think I'll be able to get back on track. One thing that was good was last night I was able to open up to the girls in my Bible study and tell them I have depression (even though I didn't say anything about SI). I've just started getting treatment for depression (no one knows I SI), but hopefully it will help with that as well.

-Hannah

Bevlina · Mar 4, 2005

Hannah! I am so happy you have made it for a month!!
Never feel guilty for posting Honey. Never. Please do post?

Imani · Mar 4, 2005

Hi Hannah

you can post anytime and dont feel guilty for it ok. your very welcome here and no one's problems are any more important or less important than any one elses ok. how you feel is real and important and you need to talk about it too. your a special person ok.

Sara

goldenviolet · Mar 4, 2005

My little young lady Hannah!

Dear Hannah, i'm so very proud of you! You are on the right road... i'm so proud of you for opening up to the girls you fellowship with! i wish you could see yourself the way you come accross...... i know you to be super smart, a loving daughter and big sister, and a very charming young lady. i'm happy to see you here. i think all of us have alot of love, understanding, and encouragement for eachother. i love you! dee

BlackRain · Mar 4, 2005

you're so right!! if you went a month without doing it you can go without it for good. since you're new to it, i encourage you to step far away. it's very dangerous and serious. hide in God's word and rest in his comfort instead of turning over to something else. God is the only one who can truly satisfy and make you feel better. i promise you that! i've been there and done it and it's horrible. please look to the Lord for help and relief. don't let yourself get into the mess of SI...it's very difficult to get out of once you're in it.
i'm so glad you chose to post here!! don't ever feel bad about it. ok?
my heart goes out to you, girl!

amazed_by_grace · Mar 5, 2005

Take it from me Hannah you've actually made it through the hardest part already.. going a whole moth without SI is awesome! Anyone who SIs will tell you that they do have what we call slips sometimes... this can often make you feel like you're back to square one on the road to recovery but you're not.. you've just had a bad day... and as for feeling guilty about posting, I do that sometimes too and I should really follow my own advice. I have some freinds who have dealt with SI and suicide attempts in the past and often they would feel guilty talking to me cause my problems seemed bigger than theirs or I would feel guilty cause I felt that they were in a worse situation but what is so VERY important to remember is that everyone's problems are equally important to them... so if your problems seem to you to be less than other people's remember that they are just as big a deal to you as other people's problems are to them... I hope that made sense! I have a bad habit of writing long sentences!!!!! Girl you are doing SO well..don't give up and tell yourself that you can't do it! Lean on God for strength... if you're not very close to Him that's okay too... try praying a little and just tell Him that you need His strength... and read Psalm 55... I swear that was written for people dealing with SI/suicide.. well my translation anyways which is NLT... most of all just know that there are so many people on here praying for you and who love you and God loves you most of all.. He doesn't want you to be depressed... don't let this make you think you're a bad person... some people don't understand that SI is a way of coping or dealing with anger at yourself... just remember that there are so many people who want to help you to get better.... *HUGS*

Bevlina · Mar 5, 2005

And .... don't forget to ask out Father to spare angels to protect you !!!
I'll be reading Psalm 55 in bed tonight to refresh my mind amazed!!

Hidden face_Hurting heart · Mar 5, 2005

Thanks everyone! 's for each of you. I often can't believe how supportive everyone here is. I don't have any close friends here at home- no one to keep me accountable or ask how I'm doing with real concern or anything, you know? I've always wanted that. I mean, my family is great, and they found out I have depression about a month ago. I think that might help us get a bit closer, but we still don't talk much about how I feel and stuff, and when we do I tend to play it down. I can't be emotional about my depression or SI or anything. It's like when I'm feeling that intense depression or SIing or having a panic attack I'm a completely different person, so when I try to talk about it or explain it, I just detatch myself.
Anyway...
Yes Amazed, what you said does make sense. In my life the problems I'm going through are huge, so I guess I can't compare them to other people's problems. I guess it's just another low self esteem thing. I have a really hard time thinking that I'm of equal importance as other people. "Stupid, ugly, worthless..." In the dark times that phrase is constantly running through my mind. Well, I'll definitely read Psalm 55 tonight. Besides that one, Psalms 88 and 116 are really awesome too. Thank you all so much for being supportive. I'm going to keep trying to beat this.

Bevlina · Mar 6, 2005

Now you've got me reading Psalms again Hidden!
And, don't forget, you've got us!!

goldenviolet · Mar 6, 2005

aaaah, ....snuggles from heaven.... stopping to count blessings.

perfection · Mar 6, 2005

Imagine you are locked up in a room, what will help more.that you are locked, or a key to get out?

. It's all about your point of view, you need to find the right key to unlock the doors of your problems. It's all a matter of approuch, and you have been approuching it from the wrong angle. Try to view it from the right angle, every problem is like a puzzle that has to be solved, you have to stay persistant and solve it, the door will be unlocked then and you can leave the problem behind you.

Hidden face_Hurting heart · Mar 8, 2005

I did it again yesterday, and today too. Today I escalated to cutting... not badly. It didn't even hurt near as much as what I normally do. I'm NOT going to do this anymore...I'm not. I've promised several people, and I won't break my promise! I already have this sick feeling in my stomach that I won't make it, but I know with God's help I can. I'm just so weak. I don't have any close friends in person- no one to truly keep me accountable....just you all and some other good friends on the net. I'm so blessed to have you! This is just so hard...

Cat59 · Mar 9, 2005

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:
I did it again yesterday, and today too. Today I escalated to cutting... not badly. It didn't even hurt near as much as what I normally do. I'm NOT going to do this anymore...I'm not. I've promised several people, and I won't break my promise! I already have this sick feeling in my stomach that I won't make it, but I know whith God's help I can. I'm just so weak. I don't have any close friends in person- no one to truly keep me accountable....just you all and some other good friends on the net. I'm so blessed to have you! This is just so hard...

for you. Just try and remember we are children of God. When children first learn to walk, they often stumble and fall, but with mom's help, get up again and try again. This is what God will do for you, as you stand up again now. We are ALL weak but with Him, we can become strong. Lots of hugs and prayers,

Cat

Hidden face_Hurting heart · Mar 11, 2005

I didn't make it. I fell today. I fought against it for about an hour before I SIed. Ugh...so frustrated with myself!

Bevlina · Mar 12, 2005

OK, I validated this because I know you need support Hidden. And support you will get.

I want you to take a good look at yourself. You are stunningly beautiful to look at and lovely to know. You are a delight to the world. And, one thing you have to get to know is that you are loved, and appreciated, and you are wanted.
Just take it one step at a time Pet, and know we are with you in heart and spirit.

Cat59 · Mar 12, 2005

Hidden face_Hurting heart said:
I didn't make it. I fell today. I fought against it for about an hour before I SIed. Ugh...so frustrated with myself!

You made it through an hour- that's a start, small steps first.
And as Bev says, we are here for you! You are a precious child of God!

Cat

Bevlina · Mar 12, 2005

And, very precious to us!

goldenviolet · Mar 13, 2005

Hannah !!! *Snuggles*

goldenviolet · Mar 15, 2005

Hannah.... you be the bunny?

Hidden face_Hurting heart · Mar 21, 2005

Thank you everyone. I'm so sorry. I've let you guys down. This week has been terrible. I'm so hurt and confused. I can't stand myself. It says in the Bible to love others "as you love yourself". Well...what if I don't love myself? Does that mean I'm incapable of loving others? Another thing...I used to hide my depression as completely as I could from everyone around me. I'm still not comfortable talking about how I feel. I don't know if I ever will be, but sometimes since my parents found out, I haven't put on the "happy act" as much. Everyone says I need to be honest and open...I don't know how to do that. The only thing I can do is act how I feel, and I'm not even good at that. Things have been really hard lately depression and SI wise. It's been almost impossible to be motivated to do ANYTHING. All I want to do in the day is sleep and make everything that I feel go away. I fell behind on school. I'm almost caught up now. I was grounded from the internet this week because of it, which just made the depression and SI harder to deal with. Hey...I've survived though. It's so hard. If I act how I feel, I'm staying in my room- thinking, trying not to think, sleeping, and doing as much schoolwork as I can make myself do. Doing that though, I've gotten in trouble for being selfish. It is. I can't deny that. It's just...everyone says I need to stop being fake, but I want to make my family happy. I want to be a good Christian. I want to be a good student. When I stuff all the feelings inside and just act happy, act like the person everyone wants me to be, act like the person I want to be...it kills me, but if I let the feelings out, they're still there; only they're hurting others as well as me. I don't know what to do! Where's the balance between helping others and getting help?

At least I made it a month.

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