Asperger's & Married

[California Dreamin']

I have Asperger's (diagnosed age 21) and just got married 2 weeks ago. I'm a stay-at-home wife now. I am just wondering if there are any others, and who has children? My mom always said I'd never get married or have children.

 

[ThePurpleFlower]

I have AS and I've been married for nearly ten months (officially ten months on May 11th). Yeah, I was the "never-getting married" one among my friends as well. I had this dysfunctional sort-of relationship with a guy in Australia when I was sixteen, but it was only online, letters, and phone calls. Basically I just wanted someone to talk to, and the fact that the only person I seemed to connect to was a med student atheist in Sydney wasn't that encouraging, so I figured God had me planned for celibacy. This was perfectly fine. And then this other guy showed up, and for some reason my ASness has yet to scare him away... ;-)

 

[California Dreamin']

My mom said I wasn't ALLOWED to get married or have children, and that I wasn't capable to.

 

[Sabertooth]

Aspergers, by itself, shouldn't stop you from getting married. That's where little Aspies come from...

 

[California Dreamin']

My parents divorced because of my dad's "illness". He was not correctly diagnosed at the time. So, my mom is pretty bitter about it.

 

[Sabertooth]

My parents divorced because of my dad's "illness". He was not correctly diagnosed at the time. So, my mom is pretty bitter about it.

I was only diagnosed three years ago, myself. And DW has had a hard time adjusting to it.

To be fair, she has separately developed some mental illness since being married, too, but I am committed to her "...in sickness and in health... 'til death do us part," unless she leaves first... There is no guarantees in this life. Job did everything as well as could be expected, but his first wife left him, anyway...

If you have Aspergers, put it out there. If an NT won't stay, there are other Aspies who will.

 

[ThePurpleFlower]

My parents divorced because of my dad's "illness". He was not correctly diagnosed at the time. So, my mom is pretty bitter about it.

Yeah, my dad is undiagnosed on the spectrum, and my parents have come to divorce at least three times because of it. My mom has issues too though. She's not on the spectrum, but she is very introverted and "concrete." She never encouraged me to have kids or get married, and because of my parents' issues, I never really wanted to get married at all. In college I was very flagrant about my differences, because it ensured I wouldn't receive unwelcome attention.

Before I started a relationship, my future husband and I pretty much discussed every single make-or-break issue, and I was expecting every time for that to be the end of any dating. He was also present when the whole AS thing came into the light--I never realized how much I was on the spectrum until I had to consider being with someone NT. Thank God, all this stuff only made him want to stick around more.

 

[TwilightGirlKay]

I'm not married, or dating, or ever have, but I do have AS.
It bothers me so that I haven't ever dated and I wonder if it will ever happen.
I believe in God and that everything is in his time, but right now its hard.
I've been having anxiety/panic attacks and emotional break downs
I continue to pray, but I have no idea what is in store.

 

[Telejoke]

Be encouraged. As my wife and I have struggled through the challenges of an aspie/neurotyp relationship, at one point she wondered if it might have been better for her to have never married because of how difficult an intimate relationship can be for a couple where Asperger is the unwelcome third party. As we've grown together, we've come to realize just how much we need each orther. She feels she would have not been able to function well as a single... the opposite of what your mom thinks.

It's not easy. But if you and your NT hubby both love the Lord you have the bedrock on which to build a successful loving relationship. Perhaps that is what will bring hope and healing to others around you.

I was intrigued by this discussion because I'm working on a book about Aspie/Neurotyp relationships from a Christian perspective. It's a book my wife "should have written" but as the writer in the family I have the privilege of doing.

Blessings all...

BTW: Check out American Christian Center for Asperger's Syndrome on facebook. They're a group of Christians organizing an advocacy group for believers with Asperger Syndrome.

 

[ThePurpleFlower]

Be encouraged. As my wife and I have struggled through the challenges of an aspie/neurotyp relationship, at one point she wondered if it might have been better for her to have never married because of how difficult an intimate relationship can be for a couple where Asperger is the unwelcome third party. As we've grown together, we've come to realize just how much we need each orther. She feels she would have not been able to function well as a single... the opposite of what your mom thinks.

It's not easy. But if you and your NT hubby both love the Lord you have the bedrock on which to build a successful loving relationship. Perhaps that is what will bring hope and healing to others around you.

True. Having a relationship based on a love of Christ is essential, and really makes things work out for the best, no matter what differences come up.

 

[C-Man]

I put my trust in the Lord.
However, I don't expect to find anyone NT who could possibly put up with me. I'm not too sure about any Aspies, either!

 

[RedLioness]

I have Asperger's (diagnosed age 21) and just got married 2 weeks ago. I'm a stay-at-home wife now. I am just wondering if there are any others, and who has children? My mom always said I'd never get married or have children.

Hello. My name is Jacqueline. I sometiems have issues with my brain too. I mean, it is fully intact it just does not work right.

I was wondering how you are able to have a husband and have children and lead a household when being mentally handicapped is an issue. You know I want to have that too. It sounds just fine, I just don't think I am smart enough. You know people who have intellectual disabilities or are mentally retarded how can they see after a household without assistance? I told me mom that I myself could benefit from adult daycare here at home. I told her if I am not able to take care of myself how can I take care of others or even hold down a job.

I still live at home with my mom and dad and they help me because of my brain. I have an Autism support group I go to every month...but I don't think they cover Asperger's.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

I am married and have kids. One of my kids is also on the spectrum. I do rely on my wife for allot of the day to day grind. And she rely's on me for other things, so we make a good team. Autism has a genetic link, so autistic people have been getting married and procreating since the beggining of the world. As Sabertooth said, thats where the cute little aspie babies come from.

I was wondering how you are able to have a husband and have children and lead a household when being mentally handicapped is an issue

Obviously I don't have a husband. I don't consider myself to have a mental handicap. Autism is first and foremost a social interaction and social communication disorder. I can say I have a social interaction and communication handicap, but not mental.

You know people who have intellectual disabilities or are mentally retarded how can they see after a household without assistance

Intellictual disabilities or mental retardation are not part of autism. They may be comorbid for some people on the spectrum. But not all. I have scored high enough on standard IQ tests to join mensa. They can make fun of my obvious lack of common sense, but when it comes to IQ I am actually gifted.


I guess it gets everyone a little different and thats why its called a spectrum.

 

[dayhiker]

I was married for 27 years before my wife had had enough of my issues. I think my AS hindered me from being sensitive to her needs and thereby minimizing our issues. We had two boys that are doing pretty well. I don'tt know that I'll try to get married again.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

My mom said I wasn't ALLOWED to get married or have children, and that I wasn't capable to.

This is what I was told as well. I got married in November, to another Aspie.

 

[dayhiker]

While I have had my issues with getting along with the NT types. I also started quite young to study the NTs. We AS people have our obsessions. Over the years if started to add to my obsessions. Its help me a lot. So I'm finally getting to where I think I read people pretty well. Ya, I still miss a lot. But nothing like when I was young and offten didn't have a clue.

Remember we are lucky because we often are able to function at a very high mental level. So we start out appearing to be really slow and not with it. But if we let our curiousity keep us modivated to learn by the time we are older people with look at us with amazment at when we know. So you ask now.

1. Learn a little every day. This becomes alot in a few years.
2. Learn to read peole. Takes a long time. But people are interesting. We are the most complicated things in the world. People can't be learned over night. Remember the NT's don't learn people. They have empathy that ties them into others much more directly that learning does. We have to take the long way around. But we can still get there. This doesn't make us NTs like some early intervention programs are hoping to do.
3. NT's for the most part don't want facts. We often like even love facts. But we all love stories. So learn to tell facts as stories. The trick in telling stories then is knowing if the person is interested in the story we are telling. Insert reading people skill. If they are bored, stop story or make it very short. If they love the story, tell it a little longer but never long.

hope that helps. This thread including my last post was getting to depressing. LOL

dayhiker

 

[personone]

I always wondered where AS stops and other things stops.

EX: finding when people are bored is an easy skill to learn; they fidgit, and move around. But, say, neglecting others? I was always AS, diagnosed at the impossible age of 1, but my mother, a Christian, raised me to be empathetic.

I'm really caring towards animals and really caring towards people. So, maybe we are empathetic, if we stay focused.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

There's new research to suggest that us Aspies are not as apathetic as we seem, but rather that we have so much empathy that we cannot deal with it all and just end up freezing when it comes to needing to be empathetic.

 

[flowerforever7]

I am not married. Though I really do desire a husband one day; I have much apprehension over if it would work out practically or not. For me as someone with AS I eat the same foods over and over everyday for several months on in, and then usually switch to another very narrow range of foods for an extended period of time. This doesn't seem to fall in line with the whole traditional a wife cooks her husband a new dinner every night. Cooking is also difficult as it requires time perception abilities which is an area I have some difficulty. Also, I have no desire for children, and wonder how it may ever work out with all the screaming and sudden movement and noise around me. I really don't like being around kids a lot for that reason, it is a overwhelming sensory experience. I have lived with two roommates, and we had so many problems with the noise and my sensory issues, like suddenly opening the door hard and also, there were many communication challenges. I imagine that because a romantic relationship is different from a roommate relationship there would be some notable and important differences that would make such a union better. I have spoken with someone who has Aspergers who has been married for a number of years and is very happy; even though he said there are typical challenges he goes through as someone who has Aspergers. I know it could be done, and I really desire a marraige relationship but I get nervous at thinking how it could play out. I am also interested in knowing more about the experiences of people with Asperger's Syndrome in this kind of relationship.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

I am not married. Though I really do desire a husband one day; I have much apprehension over if it would work out practically or not. For me as someone with AS I eat the same foods over and over everyday for several months on in, and then usually switch to another very narrow range of foods for an extended period of time. This doesn't seem to fall in line with the whole traditional a wife cooks her husband a new dinner every night. Cooking is also difficult as it requires time perception abilities which is an area I have some difficulty. Also, I have no desire for children, and wonder how it may ever work out with all the screaming and sudden movement and noise around me. I really don't like being around kids a lot for that reason, it is a overwhelming sensory experience. I have lived with two roommates, and we had so many problems with the noise and my sensory issues, like suddenly opening the door hard and also, there were many communication challenges. I imagine that because a romantic relationship is different from a roommate relationship there would be some notable and important differences that would make such a union better. I have spoken with someone who has Aspergers who has been married for a number of years and is very happy; even though he said there are typical challenges he goes through as someone who has Aspergers. I know it could be done, and I really desire a marraige relationship but I get nervous at thinking how it could play out. I am also interested in knowing more about the experiences of people with Asperger's Syndrome in this kind of relationship.

For us it was simple. My husband loves cooking and doesn't mind doing it all. Also, no kids for us, he's scheduled for a vasectomy. You just have to find someone who doesn't necessarily need a relationship to be of your standard roles.