Asexual Christians

[NotUrAvgGuy]

The term asexual can have a lot of nuances to it. No two are identical. I stayed a virgin until I got married at nearly 30 years old. Once married I soon discovered my wife had no use for sex other than to get pregnant. Otherwise she avoided it and when I shared with her how that was hard for me her excuse was "This is how God made me. If He wanted me to enjoy sex He would have made me that way." Paul's instruction to not avoid sex was lost on her.

So sex for me has always been about getting a release when needed and not about love, closeness, bonding, emotions, etc. I also appear to be deficient in dopamine the pleasure neurotransmitter in our brains. I am going to see what the doctor can do about that.

I've always been heterosexual and attracted to women but suffer from Attachment Disorder. Things like kissing and sex do nothing for me. I still have needs at times (though not often) and it's far easier to just take care of on my own besides which I am not married so I don't have a wife to meet that need but even if I did it would awkward for me and probably not result in that need being met.

This is one reason I don't date. If I cannot fulfill my obligation in that area in marriage then I have no business getting married. I can go through the motions but my heart won't be in it and that's not fair.

I've had women friends say that women I've dated must have thought I was gay since I never initiated sex. If I was gay why would I be dating a woman? Waiting until marriage for sex is so rare these days. Even dating Christian women I find almost none who want to wait.

Any other asexual singles out there?

 

[Sir Robbins]

I identified as one and still do since 2006. What has been different for me over the past several years is battling primary progressive ms and that makes functioning down below almost impossible and not worth bothering with but for me, it's kinda nice. I never found it appealing nor did I find women appealing in a sexual way. The fact that I became physically dysfunctional on top of my lack of interest has brought me a sense of peace. I am lonely though. I do everything alone and am self employed so I never see the same person twice. I work in a male dominated industry on top of that so the only women I come into contact with are relatives. I don't bother dating or planning marriage for similar reasons to you. It would not be fair to the other and based on your past, it was not fair what happened to you. I have had women say I'm useless since I don't want kids, can't perform (in bed at all) and these were women in church. I started an eHarmony profile over a year ago and posted no sex or kids in the long survey and had 5 matches (all in others countries). NONE in the USA over a whole year period. 3+ years on other sites as the same. I've learned to be self sufficient and accept my fate of isolation. It's not fair from my prospective but I've learned that some people's purpose in life is to suffer. Anyone who denies this is blind to reality, whether it's God's or the world's. I tell people I'm celibate for life. It's easier to say than I'm dysfunctional and get all these laughs or sad faces

 

[Purge187]

Asexual pretty much all my adult life. I empathize with what you said about it basically being an itch that needs to be scratched, and even when I was 18, it wasn't really that strong of an itch.

 

[Dynamis777]

Once married I soon discovered my wife had no use for sex other than to get pregnant. Otherwise she avoided it and when I shared with her how that was hard for me her excuse was "This is how God made me. If He wanted me to enjoy sex He would have made me that way."

I have had women say I'm useless since I don't want kids, can't perform (in bed at all) and these were women in church.

Why all the hatred towards women here- not just in this thread but other threads as well? If women are causing you so much trouble - and our exhibiting such bad character and personality traits - then why bother with them? Why go to so much time and trouble?

That being said, it would be interesting to get a women's perspective here...

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I don't mean to express any hatred towards women. I know lots of wonderful women. The one's who have treated me badly are the exception I'm sure.

 

[Goodbook]

Looks like you two were just incompatible and not asexual.
Dont know what to say there as dont know you personally.

You need to put this to God and He will see you right since he made us with different body parts, so he knows the correct use of them.

 

[dayhiker]

I view asexuality as part of the variety that God created among human beings.

I'm the opposite and desire sex most of the time. Tho its not as intense as it was when I was younger in my mid 60's I still find its on my mind a lot of the time. That desire has caused me to make some bad decisions. Yet I continued to seek God and God has now blessed me beyond anything I could imagine. I love the time I spend with women and can't say that I've experienced the negatives about their time with women that other men have speak of.
I was married for 28 yrs and I enjoyed that a lot but it also didn't quite work for us. So we are divorce and I am now living life from a poly world view that is blessing me over and over.
Back to those that are asexual ... I'd support each of you in how that works for you as you love your life. I love that NoYrAvgGuy is up front with the women he meets. That's the way to go and that is what we all can do no matter what our sexual desires are or are not.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Looks like you two were just incompatible and not asexual.
Dont know what to say there as dont know you personally.

You need to put this to God and He will see you right since he made us with different body parts, so he knows the correct use of them.

It's not that I have no sexual desires I just don't feel comfortable being with a woman sexually (not gay!). The whole experience is awkward, distracting, embarrassing, etc. I don't get anything out of it. So it's not a positive experience.

 

[Rajni]

I'm pretty much on the same page.

I waited until I was married to have sex, but the downside of that was that I didn't really get an idea of whether or not I would like it until I had already locked myself into marriage. So while abstinence before marriage is a nice idea on paper, in practice it might backfire depending on the individual involved.

For me, sex is better in theory than in reality. Theoretically, it's great; I sometimes joke that I could probably write a novel so steamy that it would require any bookstore/library which carried it to have a special dehumidifcation system installed in order to prevent mold and mildew damage to their merchandise.

And an itch is an itch is an itch. I scratch those, regardless of whether they're on my arm or elsewhere, just like the next guy. That's all I'll say about that.

-

 

[Goodbook]

I think it takes two to tango and if you cant tango, then take lessons. It could be the other person doesnt know either. Thats why you both need instructions.

Thats why theres premarital counselling so you both know how to deal with that kind of thing.

Otherwise its just awkward. Esp if one goes, oh where did you learn, well i learned off my previous. NOOOO thats not how its supposed to be if you want to know someone biblically as husband or wife you learn together from God who made you.

 

[blackribbon]

Have you had a lot of experience in the sexual compatibility department to be giving advice, Goodbook? Especially to divorced men who are not virgins? I think the married Christian women are letting down the young women by not teaching them about sex....however, if their teaching just includes "it is something you have to suffer through to have children" or "just lie there until he is done"....then maybe they are better keeping their mouths shut. Instead the church spend all its time teaching the unmarried that it is "sinful" and "dirty" and something to be avoided and forgets to say that it is "a beautiful bonding experience" and something "to look forward to with your spouse" ... save it, not because it is wrong to have premarital sex but rather it is a special unique gift to for your Christian spouse.

I find this kind of an ironic post because I know plenty of older women who would be happy to have no sex in their lives. Maybe they just don't date? Maybe that have just been with men who are so selfish that they never felt that they were included in the experience or allowed to learn what they like. It was a chore in their marriages instead a chance to feel loved.

However at the same time, I am not so sure I could go to someone for "sex counseling"....to learn how to be more compatible. There are plenty of books available for the person willing to learn... (And do your really think premarital counseling includes a less on how to have good sex? That would be interesting.)

 

[Rasnosauj]

Dude, like 10% of women are like your wife was. I agree with the stress reducer, but that's masturbation. I think a woman should everyday, but waiting 'til marraige for sex is overcoming the flesh.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I think it takes two to tango and if you cant tango, then take lessons. It could be the other person doesnt know either. Thats why you both need instructions.

Thats why theres premarital counselling so you both know how to deal with that kind of thing.

Otherwise its just awkward. Esp if one goes, oh where did you learn, well i learned off my previous. NOOOO thats not how its supposed to be if you want to know someone biblically as husband or wife you learn together from God who made you.

For me I don't like the whole process. I don't like trying to get someone in the mood or try and discover if they are. Although I believe in foreplay as just as important as the sex act itself it just doesn't do anything for me. Kissing, touching, holding are nice but nothing special and I tire of them quickly. Even sex itself is not that exciting. Sure the final release is nice but it's such a small part of the entire sequence that it's hardly worth going through all that just for the release. Frankly if all I need is the release I'd prefer to touch. Now if married that would not be appropriate as my first choice but single different story. However as I've read about dopamine deficiency it can cause you to not experience pleasure. So maybe my lack of pleasure from those things is due to a dopamine deficiency.

 

[exitstageright]

Have you had a lot of experience in the sexual compatibility department to be giving advice, Goodbook? Especially to divorced men who are not virgins? I think the married Christian women are letting down the young women by not teaching them about sex....however, if their teaching just includes "it is something you have to suffer through to have children" or "just lie there until he is done"....then maybe they are better keeping their mouths shut. Instead the church spend all its time teaching the unmarried that it is "sinful" and "dirty" and something to be avoided and forgets to say that it is "a beautiful bonding experience" and something "to look forward to with your spouse" ... save it, not because it is wrong to have premarital sex but rather it is a special unique gift to for your Christian spouse.

I find this kind of an ironic post because I know plenty of older women who would be happy to have no sex in their lives. Maybe they just don't date? Maybe that have just been with men who are so selfish that they never felt that they were included in the experience or allowed to learn what they like. It was a chore in their marriages instead a chance to feel loved.

However at the same time, I am not so sure I could go to someone for "sex counseling"....to learn how to be more compatible. There are plenty of books available for the person willing to learn... (And do your really think premarital counseling includes a less on how to have good sex? That would be interesting.)

Amen,Sister!
I might add that Red Tantra lessons for married christian couples would greatly enhance their sex lives. IMHO,we would have far less divorces,if more couples learned about,and practiced Red Tantra. The breathing exercises are just great! They greatly enhance your feelings.

After an argument,one spouse could say, to the other,"Hey honey,let's breathe together!"
I wish that had known about Red Tantra,when I was married the first time. I may not have gotten a divorce!

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Amen,Sister!
I might add that Red Tantra lessons for married christian couples would greatly enhance their sex lives. IMHO,we would have far less divorces,if more couples learned about,and practiced Red Tantra. The breathing exercises are just great! They greatly enhance your feelings.

After an argument,one spouse could say, to the other,"Hey honey,let's breathe together!"
I wish that had known about Red Tantra,when I was married the first time. I may not have gotten a divorce!

Red Tantra might be great but if you just don't experience pleasure then it's moot. For some of us it just doesn't provide much pleasure and no amount of technique will ever change that...

 

[dayhiker]

There are a number of workshops that one can go to that help one connect, communicate, learn ways to be intimate without being sexual that really help help relationships in general. Personally the breathing doesn't do much for me. But touch, massage, eye gazing, closeness have don't amazing things for me in my life.
In about 10 days, I will have swapped massages with 3 different woman. Two are trained massage therapists. Life is good.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

There are a number of workshops that one can go to that help one connect, communicate, learn ways to be intimate without being sexual that really help help relationships in general. Personally the breathing doesn't do much for me. But touch, massage, eye gazing, closeness have don't amazing things for me in my life.
In about 10 days, I will have swapped massages with 3 different woman. Two are trained massage therapists. Life is good.

I am glad that workshop(s) helped you. I have no problem giving women massages, touching, eye gazing, etc. In fact I like giving massages. I can be intimate in those ways but there is not a romantic feeling I get from it. I am not uncomfortable touching it just doesn't do much for me unless in is touch in a practical sense like giving someone a massage in which cases I am glad it is relaxing them or releasing tight muscles. I draw the line though at more intimate types of touching. Those require a romantic relationship and not something I would do with just anyone. Lacking the emotional/romantic attachment I don't engage in those types of touch.

 

[Sir Robbins]

for starters, there isn't hatred but rather frustration. I have no issues being friends as I have several female friends including one that's a very close friend. It is unfortunate I can't be more than friends with anyone and most know my condition which is why they don't consider me. It's hard to press someone into something they just aren't into. I am not into ice cream and even when someone offers it to me, I eat to comply without being ungrateful but I don't enjoy it. Sex and ice cream are the same for me. It comes to mind, I pass it in the store as I pass women, think about it and keep on walking without buying a tub of it or whatever, go home and no regrets. Doesn't interest me. I don't find it appealing. Add the fact that I hate disgusting things like body fluids, sweat and being medically diagnosed with OCD, throw on being incompetent 90% of the time from my MS and it would be a nightmare all on top of not wanting it. I've never had broccoli but I don't like it. I know I won't like it. Some people just weren't meant for certain things and it kinda sucks.. Granted I am about to be 27 but living alone for the past almost 9 years hasn't been the greatest but at the same time, it sometimes is. No roommates or anything. Makes finances harder with no one to split anything with too being young. It's hard to explain and when I do, they back off like I'm someone to be avoided or have no use for. I keep close to my female friend but she's about the only one.

 

[exitstageright]

There are a number of workshops that one can go to that help one connect, communicate, learn ways to be intimate without being sexual that really help help relationships in general. Personally the breathing doesn't do much for me. But touch, massage, eye gazing, closeness have don't amazing things for me in my life.
In about 10 days, I will have swapped massages with 3 different woman. Two are trained massage therapists. Life is good.

When I woman is massaging and/or gently stroking me,it feels good. But,if I am breathing deeply,while this is happening,it feels grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!

 

[blackribbon]

When I woman is massaging and/or gently stroking me,it feels good. But,if I am breathing deeply,while this is happening,it feels grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!!

TMI (too much information) and kind of rude to be posting on a person's post who has admitted to having a hard time enjoying much of any kind of sexual/intimate touch.