Arranging a Wedding Without the Father

[linux.poet]

What is the best way to do this? My father disapproves of my fiance, and it's really not a function of who he is, it's because of some psychological scars in my father's past. My father is, as I have posted previously, an abuser who doesn't want me to get married. He's more likely to stand up in the middle of the marriage ceremony when they say "Does anyone have objection to this couple marrying?" and level a ton of insults at me and my husband-to-be, turning our wedding into a disaster.

At the same time, I don't want people to get nervous when my father isn't there and think that our marriage is invalid because he isn't there to give me away. The reality is more that I'm escaping from a family of origin that wants to hold me prisoner into a relationship that I believe that is good for me. Any advice? What is the best way to handle this situation?

(And yes, me and my fiance will be going to premarital counseling and otherwise handling this situation responsibly. However, I've known said fiance for over a year now and seen into his life. The relationship isn't perfect, but I think it is workable and I believe marrying would benefit both of us immensely. The relationship has been beneficial to me thus far. I understand if you have concerns, but I want this topic to address the wedding-without-father question.)

 

[PloverWing]

If the problem is just not having your father give you away, then there are lots of alternatives. Someone else can escort you down the aisle -- your mother, a sibling, another friend or relative. You can walk down the aisle alone. You and your fiance can walk down the aisle together.

The days when fathers genuinely gave their daughters to a man are long over. Having a father escort you is just symbolic now. Invent a new symbol. If you want to say "my family is letting go of me, and I'm joining a new family", then pick a relative. If you want to say "I freely choose this man", then walk alone. If you want to say "I'm nervous as heck, and my partner is the one I want standing beside me to give me strength", then walk down the aisle with your partner. Lots of possibilities.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

What is the best way to do this? My father disapproves of my fiance, and it's really not a function of who he is, it's because of some psychological scars in my father's past. My father is, as I have posted previously, an abuser who doesn't want me to get married. He's more likely to stand up in the middle of the marriage ceremony when they say "Does anyone have objection to this couple marrying?" and level a ton of insults at me and my husband-to-be, turning our wedding into a disaster.

At the same time, I don't want people to get nervous when my father isn't there and think that our marriage is invalid because he isn't there to give me away. The reality is more that I'm escaping from a family of origin that wants to hold me prisoner into a relationship that I believe that is good for me. Any advice? What is the best way to handle this situation?

(And yes, me and my fiance will be going to premarital counseling and otherwise handling this situation responsibly. However, I've known said fiance for over a year now and seen into his life. The relationship isn't perfect, but I think it is workable and I believe marrying would benefit both of us immensely. The relationship has been beneficial to me thus far. I understand if you have concerns, but I want this topic to address the wedding-without-father question.)

When the probability is very high he's going to misbehave and ruin your wedding, then inviting him would be unwise gamble and thus a bad idea - maybe check with him first? Otherwise I would try the utmost for him to be able to attend ...

 

[bradley5201]

wow im sorry to hear that here some things you can consider that may help. I hope it all goes well

1. Understand His Perspective:
   • Begin by having an open and honest conversation with your father. Understand his reasons for not wanting to be involved. It could be due to personal reasons, financial concerns, or other issues. Listen to his perspective without judgment.
2. Express Your Feelings:
   • Share your feelings and expectations regarding the wedding. Let him know why his involvement is important to you. Be clear about the aspects where you would like his input or presence.
3. Compromise:
   • Find common ground and areas where compromise is possible. It might be that he is willing to contribute in certain ways or attend specific events related to the wedding. Be flexible and willing to adjust your expectations to accommodate his comfort level.
4. Involve Other Family Members:
   • If your father remains reluctant, consider involving other family members who may be supportive. This could be a sibling, an uncle, or a close family friend who can take on a more active role in the wedding planning process.
5. Seek Professional Help:
   • If the situation becomes emotionally charged or difficult to navigate, consider seeking the assistance of a family therapist or counselor. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and address underlying issues.
6. Delegate Responsibilities:
   • If your father is not interested in taking on a central role, consider delegating specific wedding responsibilities to other family members, friends, or even a wedding planner. This way, you can still have a support system in place.
7. Create Meaningful Moments:
   • Find ways to include your father in meaningful moments that align with his comfort level. This could be a special dance at the wedding, a walk down the aisle, or a heartfelt toast.
8. Communicate Expectations Clearly:
   • Clearly communicate your expectations regarding his involvement. If you only want him to attend certain events or play a specific role, make it clear. This can help manage expectations on both sides.
9. Respect His Decision:
   • Ultimately, if your father is unwilling to participate, it's important to respect his decision. Focus on the positive aspects of your wedding and the support you do have from other loved ones.
10. Celebrate Family Unity:
    • Emphasize the importance of family unity and the joyous occasion of the wedding. Encourage a supportive and positive atmosphere that celebrates the love between you and your partner.