arranged marriages

[klewlis]

Just for fun:

how many people here would be willing to let your parents choose your spouse? do you trust their judgment?

Personally, I would never in a million years allow this, as both of my parents have demonstrated that they have ZERO ability in this area--my dad is on his fourth wife and my mom is on her third husband (albeit this one is common-law). Plus neither is a Christian.

how about the rest of you? I'm interested to see if there are any here who would trust their parents that much...

 

[fishstix]

Not a chance.

 

[KeilCoppes]

Though I love my parents very much, I don't think I would go there, even though they have had a successful marriage of 40 years. On the other hand, I don't think they would do that - dad is deep, and mom is caring, gentle, and thoughtful. They are both aware of their unique perspectives on the world and how that reflects in their children.

If I had to let one of them choose, the first thought would be that it would be my mother that I would want to choose, as she is the closer of the two to me. However, although my dad wouldn't have the same insights into someone's soul with respect to outward caring (he's an inside type of person), he would balance mom's thoughts with regard to finding someone who would be willing to make the harder choices of life. But then, mom has made them too! So far, they've worked to help, but without much success!

-kc

 

[KeilCoppes]

If you really want to throw a curve - how many would choose letting their parents choose vs. knowing that if they didn't they would never marry?!

 

[sunshine]

I can't even imagine trusting anyone with the responsibility of choosing my future spouse! I certainly value my parents' opinion, but not to the extreme of them having the final decision and choosing for me.

 

[sunshine]

If you really want to throw a curve - how many would choose letting their parents choose vs. knowing that if they didn't they would never marry?!

interesting question! honestly, I'd prefer to remain single. if they "chose wrong" the bitterness I would feel would be overwhelming.

 

[fishstix]

If you really want to throw a curve - how many would choose letting their parents choose vs. knowing that if they didn't they would never marry?!

I'd pick never marry.

 

[KeilCoppes]

interesting question! honestly, I'd prefer to remain single. if they "chose wrong" the bitterness I would feel would be overwhelming.

vs choosing "wrong" yourself? Because the choice would come between you and they, or because it wasn't your choice? A matter of lost feelings, or lost opportunity?

(incidentally, I have acquaintences who met via arranged marriage)

 

[sunshine]

vs choosing "wrong" yourself? Because the choice would come between you and they, or because it wasn't your choice? A matter of lost feelings, or lost opportunity?

I guess what I meant was that I'd feel bitter towards my parents for choosing me the "wrong" husband, and that feeling (I imagine) would be quite intense. If I chose "wrong", I'd only have myself to blame. in both cases, the "lost opportunity" feeling would definitely be there, but it's different when it's your own fault vs. someone else to blame.

 

[KeilCoppes]

I guess what I meant was that I'd feel bitter towards my parents for choosing me the "wrong" husband, and that feeling (I imagine) would be quite intense.

Curious - I wouldn't be bitter towards them - but rather very sad for both they and myself. For myself for the difficult situation, and for them because of the difficulty they would have in seeing the results of their choice, and knowing they would be doing everything they could to help.

... and I should be sad for my wife as well - if things weren't working, she definitely wouldn't be happy.

 

[Injured Soldier]

Arranged marriages have pros and cons. Personally, I don't think a person in a Western society with a huge divorce rate can look down on a practice in countries with much lower divorce rates. I know that there are probably arranged marriages that are miserable, but there are those that are happy too. I think in Western society our problem is that we can pick and choose who we love and marry, and for many people that makes it a shallow kind of love based on your feelings. Whereas people in an arranged marriage learn how to love who they marry regardless, as well as obey their parents (which is the first people we have to learn to obey, which is the model Jesus uses to describe obedience to God).

The con is when you have very different parents, many Christians have non-Christian parents like myself. And imagine Christian parents arranging the marriage of a rebellious son off to a nice Christian girl, it might possibly turn him back to God, but it might just as likely ruin the girl's life!

With my parents, I'd prefer not to. But there are certainly older Christian friends I know that are my spiritual mothers and fathers that I wouldn't mind picking a spouse for me, I trust them enough.

 

[wvmtnkid]

While I love my mother dearly and value her opinion, I don't think I would trust her with this decision. And she knows this. She is very good about not pushing me toward any particular person, but she isn't shy about holding back her opinion about someone I have chosen!

As for KeilCoppes question as to whether I would rather stay single then be in an arranged marriage, I guess I would have to say I would rather stay single. I am to the point in life where marriage isn't something I have to have. While I would like to have it, I know I can survive and live without it. Something about an arranged marriage, in my country and in this day and time, just doesn't set well with me. Now that isn't meant to degrade anyone whose beliefs call for an arranged marriage, it's just my point of view from my little corner of the world. I have worth without being a "Mrs." Somehow an arranged marriage makes me feel like I don't have any worth unless I am married and the only way to give me worth is to marry me off.

 

[Salvatore Gonzales]

How about "Would you let your parents give a
stamp of approval to the spouse you picked?"

This is quite different. I'm also hoping this
would be in the context of the person's parents
being emotionally heathy, God-respecting
people in the first place.

Quite often I see divorced/divorcing couples
in which a spouse was told by their parents
that the person they picked was a "scumbag."
And guess what, mom and dad were right
from the start. It's their kid that say "But, I'm in
love....." (um, er, lust maybe?) The kid chooses
to ignore the obvious character flaws and marries
a person who is not marriage material.

 

[Stanfi]

In response to the OP. No, I wouldn't let my parents choose. Dad would pick the first person who he found, because he is impatient and wouldn't want to waste much time on it. Mom would be indicisive and never make up her mind. Yeah that would work!!

I have often joked that arranged marriages are the way to go. Simply because they would save the heartbreak of dating. However they proably would lead to an entire lifetime of misery.

 

[msjones21]

Boy I sure would. There have been numerous times I've been ready to throw my hands up and let my mother pick a partner for me. Her judgement is far better than my own and every guy I've been with she can discern what he's all about within the first thrity minutes of meeting him. In fact in my last "relationship" when it fell apart I called her sobbing and yelled "why do you always have to be right?". She felt really bad for me, but she also knew that standing by and letting me be strung along by a guy who wan't even worthy of my love and devotion would be wrong and unloving.

So to answer your question...yes, I would let my parents (or at least my mother) choose a spouse for me.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Well, my western and American mind is repulsed at the idea.

But considering the state of marriage these days, our parents could probably do better at choosing our spouses than we're doing.

 

[Mrs K 2004]

NEVER! LoL! My mom has horrible taste; and my dad would just pick the only guy with money who was available! I'd rather go on the reality tv shows I despise!

In high school I had a friend who was from Egypt; and his parents were convinced that he could not marry unless it was arranged! He spent his high school days in fear of what his wife would be! Poor kid!

 

[stray bullet]

Just for fun:

how many people here would be willing to let your parents choose your spouse? do you trust their judgment?

Sure. How bad could it be?

 

[klewlis]

Sure. How bad could it be?

well, let's put it this way. My dad would pick somebody who enjoys jetskis and sitting in front of the tv drinking beer, and has no higher ambition in life. My mom would do a little better, picking someone with earning power and a good sense of humour. She'd try to find someone who is like me but that would backfire and I'd probably end up with someone shallow and boring.

 

[Injured Soldier]

well, let's put it this way. My dad would pick somebody who enjoys jetskis and sitting in front of the tv drinking beer, and has no higher ambition in life.

There is higher ambition than jetskis and drinking beer in front of the idiot box??

My mom would do a little better, picking someone with earning power and a good sense of humour. She'd try to find someone who is like me but that would backfire and I'd probably end up with someone shallow and boring.

I'd be freaked out my mum would try to find someone like me, she'd succeed, and then I find out they are shallow and boring. That's my fear. Finding someone that is exactly like me, and finding out that I really, really dislike them.