Arranged marriages

[IDDQD]

Don't get me wrong---I am a committed Christian but....

I think the Western concept of love is a disaterous basis upon which to choose a mate. More accurate to call it lust.

I hold that love is a decision to love....the decision to commit, the decision to respect, the decision to bare your soul (a lot more difficult than baring one's body), the decision that changes have to come from within you than you changing the other.

And since marriage, passion has kindled.....

The hit song thingie of there being a one and only out there that destined for you is positively destructive. It serves to keep Mr. Wrong in your life past his sell-by date. What I hold is that there are any number of men out there who would have been perfectly suitable husbands for me, that I could have joyfully spent my lifetime uurturing and being nurtured.

My family was dysfunctional---it was my father who adopted me when I was nearly 18 who did the brokering. He was never married but he is wise and he loves me to bits. Not every set of parents will do the best for their children---my natural parents sure didn't.

And yes, in most educated and enlightened societies the young people have veto power. And yes, in most educated and elightened societies the betrothal is couples who have come of age---in my husband's culture, minimum 16 for girls, 18 for boys. Now while I consider that definitely on the young side, that is a far better situation than kids that age screwing away in secret and beginning a baby with someone who is probably not suitable for a lifetime marriage partner.

There is a big difference between a good dating partner and a good marriage partner---another thing I discovered. Good for me as there were no girls interested in dating him....leaving him available for me, me, me.

That's enough for now.

God bless,

That post wins. Blessings for you.

 

[white dove]

Aren't arranged marriages oftentimes considered to be more like business deals?

 

[HandmaidenOfGod]

With Mom on marriage #3, and Dad on #2, I wouldn't trust my parents to pick a spouse for me, as I'm not terribley impressed with their own batting average.

However, I do know many South East Asian couples where an arranged marriage has worked for them splendidly. I think the key difference there is the culture. They put an extroidinary emphasis on responsiblity to family, and for taking care of one's family. Duty to self comes secondary, so being selfless in a marriage comes without question.

Another thing to consider is that it is only within the late 19th century that it became customary in the West to marry for love rather than for money. Marriage was a financial transaction that ensured that women would be taken care of, and that family life would continue. (Remember, for hundreds of thousands of years, women could not own property or a business. Up until 1920, a woman was counted as half a person in the U.S. Census. :o) As cold hearted as this may sound, I do believe that there were a fair share of good marriages as a result because couples HAD to make it work. Divorce was not an option.

Fast forward to today, I personally believe our Western cultured is too self-centered, and is the cause of the large number of divorces within our culture. While we say that we marry for love, as soon as we don't get our way, we're out the door.

In the Eastern Orthodox Wedding Ceremony, the couple is literally crowned.

These crowns represent two things; first they are the crowns of martyrdom. They signify how both the bride and groom must die to SELF first so they may give to the other. They are crowned with the crowns of God's glory to be his children and witnesses (martyrs) in this world, and heirs of the everlasting life of his Kingdom.

The crowns also represent how the bride and groom are both equally king and queen of their household.

It's my hope that I can live up to expectations of my crowning some day.

 

[Lady Bug]

I guess it is a matter of what arranged means. In the end, I would want to be the final decision maker as well as the prospective groom. I'm sorry if this sounds arrogant but I don't understand how a marriage could work for me in which it repels me to give physical affection to my husband because I am not physically attracted to him - or if my husband did not desire me. I would want my husband to think I'm beautiful as his wife. It would hurt me more than anything in the world. Needless to say - that's definitely not the only factor here - other compatibility issues are at stake - none without which a marriage could probably work. Some people may say that they grew to fall in love later in the marriage - and while I will not disparage your marriage, I prefer to fall in love before I have sex with my spouse, not afterwards. That's all backwards to me. No thanks.

If I didn't long for the marital "bond" and experiencing the tangible aspects of God's love, and if I didn't yearn for hugs, kisses, and other forms of marital intimacy, I wouldn't probably care to get married. And if a marriage for me were strictly arranged, and I couldn't receive that from my spouse because he's not in love with me or if I didn't want to give that to my spouse because I am not in love with him, I don't know how I'd even want to live with myself. If he's not someone who I feel like there's a hole in my chest when he's not around, or that I want to hold his hand when he's sick in the hospital, then I don't know what the purpose would be to marry the person. Granted, there's definitely other factors that determine compatibility - you can't just go on feelings and desires alone. Whether or not affection matters in other cultures - well, that's other cultures. It's not me.

Sorry if this offends or anything. I haven't really experienced a kind of romantic love before in spite of my age (28) and I just want to know what it's like to experience that love - and with a strictly arranged marriage without that kind of love, I don't feel like I could survive that kind of relationship for long. I guess that's why it gets to me

 

[white dove]

In the Eastern Orthodox Wedding Ceremony, the couple is literally crowned.

These crowns represent two things; first they are the crowns of martyrdom. They signify how both the bride and groom must die to SELF first so they may give to the other. They are crowned with the crowns of God's glory to be his children and witnesses (martyrs) in this world, and heirs of the everlasting life of his Kingdom.
The crowns also represent how the bride and groom are both equally king and queen of their household.
It's my hope that I can live up to expectations of my crowning some day.

That's beautiful.

 

[IDDQD]

With Mom on marriage #3, and Dad on #2, I wouldn't trust my parents to pick a spouse for me, as I'm not terribley impressed with their own batting average.

However, I do know many South East Asian couples where an arranged marriage has worked for them splendidly. I think the key difference there is the culture. They put an extroidinary emphasis on responsiblity to family, and for taking care of one's family. Duty to self comes secondary, so being selfless in a marriage comes without question.

Another thing to consider is that it is only within the late 19th century that it became customary in the West to marry for love rather than for money. Marriage was a financial transaction that ensured that women would be taken care of, and that family life would continue. (Remember, for hundreds of thousands of years, women could not own property or a business. Up until 1920, a woman was counted as half a person in the U.S. Census. :o) As cold hearted as this may sound, I do believe that there were a fair share of good marriages as a result because couples HAD to make it work. Divorce was not an option.

Fast forward to today, I personally believe our Western cultured is too self-centered, and is the cause of the large number of divorces within our culture. While we say that we marry for love, as soon as we don't get our way, we're out the door.

In the Eastern Orthodox Wedding Ceremony, the couple is literally crowned.

These crowns represent two things; first they are the crowns of martyrdom. They signify how both the bride and groom must die to SELF first so they may give to the other. They are crowned with the crowns of God's glory to be his children and witnesses (martyrs) in this world, and heirs of the everlasting life of his Kingdom.

The crowns also represent how the bride and groom are both equally king and queen of their household.

It's my hope that I can live up to expectations of my crowning some day.

That was an awesome, beautiful post, not to mention there's definitely some awesome critical thinking points in there, as well.

 

[acropolis]

i just want to throw out there that simply because a couple does not divorce does not mean they have a successful marriage. forcing people together and keeping them that way will not make marriages more successful.

 

[Lady Bug]

You have a point acropolis. The question should be why do they not divorce. (don't get me wrong - I abhor the way people get divorces in Western society - but to be honest, it seems that the Christian faith has actually one of the strictest rules of divorce!)

 

[white dove]

You have a point acropolis. The question should be why do they not divorce. (don't get me wrong - I abhor the way people get divorces in Western society - but to be honest, it seems that the Christian faith has actually one of the strictest rules of divorce!)

Not according to my research. The fact is, there are far stricter rules for divorce amongst non-Western cultures and religions.

 

[HandmaidenOfGod]

i just want to throw out there that simply because a couple does not divorce does not mean they have a successful marriage. forcing people together and keeping them that way will not make marriages more successful.

This is very true, and I would never suggest that divorce should be illegal or anything like that. Especially in cases of abuse, neglect, etc.

However, I do believe that as a society we are too quick to divorce.

While this reference may seem strange, this makes me think of an interview Will Smith did on Ellen earlier this year. In the interview he talks about how him and his wife have removed the option of divorce from the table, therefore they HAVE to make things work and get along.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTpnqZXW5bE

Going back to the OP, it should be noted that many times in arranged marriages, the couple will meet before they get married, and they do have the option to say "no." So while there are some cases where the couple doesn't meet before the ceremony, very often that is not the case.

 

[white dove]

While this reference may seem strange, this makes me think of an interview Will Smith did on Ellen earlier this year. In the interview he talks about how him and his wife have removed the option of divorce from the table, therefore they HAVE to make things work and get along.

Wow... just remove it as an option. I love what he said at the end.



Yet, another reason to *swoon* over Will Smith.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I think this has already been mentioned, but we do have to take into account cultural views on not only marriage, but divorce as well.

In the west, we don't practice arranged marriages. But as a whole, we are generally accepting of divorce.

In many cultures that do practice arranged marriages, their views on divorce are much stricter and less forgiving. In some, an individual who divorces is highly looked down on and casted out of society.

So in reality, we can't really be sure that arranged marriages are more successful. They may have lower divorce rates, but that doesn't necessarily mean all married couples are happy in their marriage and wouldn't love to have the chance to divorce and start over if it weren't for the stigma it would cause in their society.

 

[DarkNLovely]

I personally think its just fine! I would be willing to try it. I think though that there would need to be some serious compromise considering our society though. For example, once the person is picked, and you agree, I say a decent state of courtship and betrothal- no less then 6 months- should ensue, and that's 6 months before any wedding arrangements are made mind you- a real courtship. If your going to marry them anyway, what's another 6 months just to be sure, right? If it was something like that, I would definately be open to the idea. I think it's beautiful and if that's how God wants it for me, I'm not going to refuse! As far as mom, I do trust that she, and my grandma and aunts would make a good, prayerful and sober screening of potential hubbys.

 

[dandymandy]

I personally think its just fine! I would be willing to try it. I think though that there would need to be some serious compromise considering our society though. For example, once the person is picked, and you agree, I say a decent state of courtship and betrothal- no less then 6 months- should ensue, and that's 6 months before any wedding arrangements are made mind you- a real courtship. If your going to marry them anyway, what's another 6 months just to be sure, right? If it was something like that, I would definately be open to the idea. I think it's beautiful and if that's how God wants it for me, I'm not going to refuse! As far as mom, I do trust that she, and my grandma and aunts would make a good, prayerful and sober screening of potential hubbys.

You are clearly speaking of some mixture of betrothal and engagement.

My process was a mixture of East and West.

For one thing, my husband selected me rather than his parents doing so.

For another, he and I did meet to negotiate between ourselves---that was during sessions when I was minding the babies and toddlers of neighbours with a promise to them that we would not engage in affectionate activity---no kissing, even---hardly a date. These discussions were under the premise that there was no backing out if we didn't come to an agreement---we found common ground because there was no agreeing to disagree. With us, it was no "making sure"

Traditionally done, the parents do the chosing; it is a done deal with betrothal; and there is no interaction before the wedding.

And the cartoon is a knee slapper!

God bless,

 

[latteda]

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please read this article. It examines the idea of betrothal from a scriptural viewpoint.

 

[Inkachu]

Right now, I wouldn't be so opposed to it, lol. I'm so tired of being single.

 

[DarkNLovely]

You are clearly speaking of some mixture of betrothal and engagement.

My process was a mixture of East and West.

For one thing, my husband selected me rather than his parents doing so.

For another, he and I did meet to negotiate between ourselves---that was during sessions when I was minding the babies and toddlers of neighbours with a promise to them that we would not engage in affectionate activity---no kissing, even---hardly a date. These discussions were under the premise that there was no backing out if we didn't come to an agreement---we found common ground because there was no agreeing to disagree. With us, it was no "making sure"

Traditionally done, the parents do the chosing; it is a done deal with betrothal; and there is no interaction before the wedding.

And the cartoon is a knee slapper!

God bless,

Yes! This is what some Asian people are now calling, "assited marriages", I think. I like the idea!

 

[dandymandy]

Yes! This is what some Asian people are now calling, "assited marriages", I think. I like the idea!

There is a lot to be said for involving parents if they are loving, involved parents. Not everybody is so blessed.

 

[DarkNLovely]

Found this. Haven't read it all but it sounds related!

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9E0CE4DA1638F93AA3575AC0A9679C8B63

 

[IDDQD]

Found this. Haven't read it all but it sounds related!

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9E0CE4DA1638F93AA3575AC0A9679C8B63

As much as I agree with what those two are doing in this article, the truth of the matter is that most people aren't gonna buy it. Most are still gonna wanna do the whole dating thing like what's being done currently and still have the whole 'DURR ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO ME, IT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE' mentality.

Yet another reason I chose a celibate, chaste, virgin, single lifestyle. \: