Argument

[bumblebee62331]

I get that part...

Which is why I began with "I'd wonder if she was already anticipating divorce." ... as in:

"1) I'd wonder if she was already anticipating divorce. Divorced women tend to revert to their maiden names after the divorce... so not changing it to begin with would certainly simplify things if it happens."

Translation: It might make me a little suspicious that she may not see the marriage as a long-term commitment. If a woman has shady intentions from the get-go, I can imagine that she might not want the hassle of taking her husband's name... as if she already anticipates reversing such a change.


Sorry if I've caused any confusion. Again, let me reiterate that I don't know the whole picture, and am only offering what my gut reaction might be.

No, it's just the sentence saying they tend to revert back to their maiden names. I don't know of anyone who hasn't. If I were divorced, it would be the first thing on my agenda.

I understand what you are saying, but I was just looking at the way you explained about women taking back their maiden names

 

[Niels]

No, it's just the sentence saying they tend to revert back to their maiden names. I don't know of anyone who hasn't. If I were divorced, it would be the first thing on my agenda.

I understand what you are saying, but I was just looking at the way you explained about women taking back their maiden names

Ok... now I see what you're getting at!

I used the phrase "tend to" in order to avoid making a sweeping generalization. Actually, my sister is in the middle of a divorce (husband was unfaithful), and has switched back to her maiden name... as did all of my friend's moms who have been divorced over the years. This strikes me as the norm, but who knows... maybe some moms want to keep the same last name as her kids in order to avoid confusion at school? Not saying that they do, just allowing for the possiblility.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Ok... now I see what you're getting at!

I used the phrase "tend to" in order to avoid making a sweeping generalization. Actually, my sister is in the middle of a divorce (husband was unfaithful), and has switched back to her maiden name... as did all of my friend's moms who have been divorced over the years. This strikes me as the norm, but who knows... maybe some moms want to keep the same last name as her kids in order to avoid confusion at school? Not saying that they do, just allowing for the possiblility.

Hehe...

I know a lot of people keep their husband's last name if he dies, but I would have thought that most would drop it if they divorce. Hrmm. I don't know.

But I think I may be hijacking this thread! Sorry! lol

 

[InTheFlame]

Wow!

I had to take a couple of VERY deep breaths during this thread.

Let me see if I understand this correctly. A woman who says to a man that his surname means nothing to her is disrespectful. A man who says to a woman that her surname means so little to him that not only is he unwilling to take on her name, but demands that she get rid of it, is being... sensible? Reasonable? Respectful? Especially when he already agreed to such a step?

Oh ye little gods of tradition and double standards, rejoice!

Kinder... all I can suggest is sitting down with him and asking (not arguing) why this is so important to him. A lot of people consider it an emasculation of a man if his wife doesn't take his surname, so he could be feeling a lot of peer pressure, too... and the whole 'you're not a real man' is a weak spot for a LOT of men. Masculinity is often the last area of a man's self-esteem and ego handed over to God.

mrkguy.. I NEVER assumed my husband wasn't committed to the marriage because he didn't want to change his surname. Although I did wonder when he refused to get my name tattooed on his butt.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Kinder... all I can suggest is sitting down with him and asking (not arguing) why this is so important to him. A lot of people consider it an emasculation of a man if his wife doesn't take his surname, so he could be feeling a lot of peer pressure, too... and the whole 'you're not a real man' is a weak spot for a LOT of men. Masculinity is often the last area of a man's self-esteem and ego handed over to God.

Good advice! I forgot about the "masculinity" bit!

Although I did wonder when he refused to get my name tattooed on his butt.

LOL

 

[InTheFlame]

My fiance had a differnt last name then his mother growing up and he hated it.

He doesn't think that having a family with different last names is bad or something to be ashamed of, but also thinks it is preferable to have a family with the same last name.

I just reread this post, and the bits I've quoted stood out to me.

I could be wrong here, but it occurs to me that his head and his subconscious/heart are telling him two very different things. One is saying 'there's no rational reason why not' and the other is saying, 'THIS is what you'll be doing to your family if you let this happen - <insert bad memory here>'

What was really behind his problems as a kid? Why was it that his mum having a different name was such an issue? I've noticed that sometimes people attribute painful memories to the obvious (but wrong) cause.

eg teasing... a kid teased because they wear glasses would, 99% of the time, still be teased if he didn't wear glasses... the glasses were just the most obvious thing to tease him about. That kid might grow up hating to wear glasses... when in fact his self-confidence and reaction to teasing were the problem all along... not the glasses.

 

[adnilgnav]

yeah i was thinking if my boyfriend and i got married we would both change our last name to HSU-VANG.. His name first because it will fall at the beginning of the alphabet. hehe... but he doesn't really think that's a good thing. He wants me to change mine to his and i haven't told him no yet.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Kinder,

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation at the moment. I'm not going to give an opinion on who's right/wrong in the situation (because that would be my own biased view), but as someone who seems to have had a similar background as your FH, I can understand the FOUNDATIONS of his concern.

I grew up with my mum - my dad left for good when I was 3. For the majority of my life (about 14 years) I had a different name to the rest of my family, and in hindsight, I see that I feel really sad about that. I look back at how a lot of misunderstandings happened with other people not knowing my relationship with my mum/family members, and even though I shoved it down at that stage and ignored my feelings, it's now I realise that it had a significant impact on me.

For me, I want to take FH's name when we marry, because of it being something tangible about our connectedness - it's something 'public' if you will. Now some will roll their eyes at that (many have when I've shared it), but for me, it's an important part of my 'joining' with him - cos I've never been connected to someone I'm close to in name before.

I can understand where he's coming from in that respect. When you've lived your life without sharing something as simple as your name with those you love and share times with, it can be something really special to finally get that.

I'm not saying he's going the right way about it, but that I do understand his feelings in that respect - and I hope my above post helps you somewhat, regardless of your decision.

And like someone else said - be prepared for family/friends to automatically consider you as Mrs so-and-so. I have a friend who had their seperate names announced at their wedding ceremony (ie. 'introducing Mr Bob Smith and Mrs Rachel Jones'), and they still have lots of cards/cheques coming in the mail addressed to Mr and Mrs B and R Smith!!!!

The only thing you might have a concern over (if they assume you took his name, or 'force' it on you in correspondence) is joint chequing accounts - if you get cheques made out to Mr and Mrs Smith, when your Mrs Jones or whatever, it is a bit of a hassle to have them deposited!

Sasch

 

[freedom4all]

No, it's just the sentence saying they tend to revert back to their maiden names. I don't know of anyone who hasn't. If I were divorced, it would be the first thing on my agenda.

I never reverted back to my maiden name after my divorce, many moons ago. I decided that it would be easier to keep my married name. There were so many things to tend to, that it seemed trivial to me at the time. My son and I have the same last name, and my maiden name was hard to spell and pronounce, so I figured what the heck. I have no regrets doing so, but I know a lot of people would want to change theirs quickly. Everyone's different.

 

[FireOfGod]

Ouch... Not a good move to tell him his last name means nothing to you.

If you feel so strongly about it, have you ever thought about you making the last name you have now your middle name, and then make his last name your last name after you get married?

 

[FireOfGod]

Ohh whoops... Didn't read that far.