Arena Battle: Brilliand (Affan Cleavebeagle) vs. Squishy-Math (Moonsinger)

[Brilliand]

Cherosglipe (also called Hermosfallowblip or whatever other random string of syllables drops from the lips of its occupants) is a world of high magic, where the laws of physics are so intermittent that they are indistinguishable from the workings of free magic. This particular battlefield consists of a plateau of rather ordinary dirt, dotted with various flora, most of which has either polymorphitis or teleportitis. This area is noteworthy for its storms of glopwobblers - small, parachute-shaped creatures that intermittedly leap out of the ground, hit their heads on the sky and explode into small showers of double-ended ballpoint pens. On the question of where the gloppywobbles come from, most local sages agree that they are self-caused, though a few fringe groups insist that they are caused by the existence of fringe groups.

On this particular day, Affan Cleavebeagle was riding a flying ghost at top speed, on a completely misguided mission to exterminate a nonexistent species of snail that he had found in his soup that morning. Upon seeing a large Confederate flag flying in the breeze, he was promptly offended on behalf of a nearby carrot tree polymorphed into a mindflayer, and sneezed.

To his ghost army, this served as the order to attack.

((My opponent is using Moonsinger, a slightly more sane resident of the same planet.))

 

[Squishy-Math]

The confederate flag quickly drops and a joly roger is raised in it's place, the trees are too thick around it for you to see it's origin.
By coincidence, a bush polymorphs into a bannana tree and teleports a few meters away from Affan.

 

[Brilliand]

((Would you please write in past tense? I guess present tense is technically OK, but I started this off in past tense, and it's problematic to jump between tenses.))

As Affan's ghosts charged in wide arcs, aiming for Moonsinger, Affan crashed into an old-looking (but actually fairly new) oak, which promptly polymorphed into a purple worm, swallowed him, and teleported a few feet away. Affan, paying it no heed, ripped straight through its back and continued on toward Moonsinger, who was now coming into view.

((Now you'd better describe what your character looks like - IIRC, your standard should be transformed into something else now.))

 

[Squishy-Math]

Affan noticed Ceasar with wings and white hair weilding a cannon, the jolly roger is hanging from it. He fires the cannon just as you notice he has no wreath and is way too thin to be Ceasar, the cannonball is a few feet in front of his face.

((why would my standard change?))

 

[Brilliand]

((I meant the pole... which apparently has transformed into a cannon.))

Affan Cleavebeagle, having never seen or heard of Caesar, suddenly decided that this guy's name was Caesar. He didn't care in the slightest.

The cannonball struck Affan's mount squarely in the face, knocking Affan high into the air. Waving his arms like a lunatic, Affan sent one ghost charging tdown the mouth of Moonsinger's cannon, and the rest heading straight for Moonsinger's head with varying degrees of bad aim. Of the eight ghosts that he had handy, only two would hit Moonsinger if he stood still. However, since the ghosts would explode on impact, two just might be enough...

 

[Squishy-Math]

Moonsinger ducks and fires the cannon, but since ghosts aren't physical the ghost just blew up instead of rocketing out. The two ghosts fly over his head, go through eachother, and one of them explode of a recently teleported tree. The cannonball went through the ghost at Affan.

((what happened to that other cannonball I shot at him?))

 

[Brilliand]

((My apologies - I didn't notice that you had fired. And, back at you - my character description states that Affan's ghosts are "mostly tangible." Also, an explosion in front of the cannonball would do much to slow it down.))

Affan fell to the ground with a thud, and a cannonball fell to the ground right in front of his face, slowed by his exploding ghost. The impact kicked up a cloud of brown sugar that caused him to sneeze violently, upon which a large new ghost shot out of his nose.

The new ghost and the other six headed straight for Moonsinger, two of them coming down from above, which would make it impossible to duck.

A nearby lich summoned an army of giants, which began marching northeast.

 

[Squishy-Math]

Moonsinger puts on a Santa suit and raises an Itallian flag, the cannon transforms into a pizza parlor. The ghosts decide they want pizza(they explode on impact), but when they fly in the door Santa starts throwing pizza at them, then the slug swarms come(remember in your description of the planet you said there were slugs that fell up? and how did a litch get here?).

 

[Brilliand]

((Glopwobblers look more like parachutes than slugs... and the lich was a polymorphed bush or something.))

Affan stood up, and a new ghost rose from the ground under his feet, replacing his mount. Six or seven glopwobblers erupted form the ground in a quantum uncertainty pattern, ripping holes in the pizza parlor roof in their unstoppable journey upwards. Affan threw back his head in a feral howl, and ten ghosts materialized, headed straight for the pizza parlor. Affan's head rolled onto the ground behind him.

These new ghosts wouldn't be so quick to blow themselves up - like Affan's original mount, they would ram holes in whatever they hit and just keep going.

((Affan is not dead - he'll be putting his head on again next post. Just a random event.))

 

[Squishy-Math]

Moonsinger knows he must get away, he raises the flag of atlantis and puts on a diving suit, his pole turns into an infinately deep pool of water and Moon falls in.
A bush teleports onto Affans neck and polymorphs into a greek monument

 

[Brilliand]

Affan casually picked up the Greek monument and tossed it high into the air, then casually gave his head a good kick, sending it ricocheting off a nearby cockatrice, which petrified it and sent if flying back. It hit Affan in the back of his head and, having thus crashed into itself, fell back down on his shoulders. With his face frozen into a lunatic howl, Affan charged headlong at the pool of water, but was preempted by his ghosts which rammed the ground around the pole and closed off the opening to the surface.

 

[Squishy-Math]

Moonsinger raises a terrorist flag, the water vanishes alongwith the pit, and a bomber plane flys out of the earth(He is still in the diver suit).

 

[Brilliand]

As the bomber plane flew out of the earth, Affan rammed into it, along with twelve ghosts coming from different directions.

((This super-dodging is getting rather annoying.))

 

[Squishy-Math]

Moonsinger jumped from the plane and slamed Affan in the head with the diver helmet, throwing the rest of the diver suit, torn into peices and weighted with bombs, at the ghosts.

((I can dodge so I do))

 

[Brilliand]

((By the same token - I can dodge your helmet attack, can't I? But you stated that it hit. Please edit your post to say that you aimed at his head, or somesuch.))

The helmet hit Affan square in the top of his solid stone head, and shattered. At the same moment, all of Affan's ghosts exploded, demolishing the plane and throwing shrapnel everywhere. Bleeding from many minor wounds, Affan attempted to headbutt Moonsinger in the belly while he was still in midair.

 

[Squishy-Math]

((I jumped at you, I didn't throw it))
Moonsinger gasps at the impact and, raising a scotish flag, attempts to knock Cleavebaggles head off with a larger-than-nececary golf club(the club is about as big as a flagpole in width).

 

[Brilliand]

((You... can actually lift that thing?))

Ignoring the golf club, Afan simply charged in the direction of Moonsinger, pushing him with his head. Since Affan's head was stuck in Moonsinger's belly, there was no way that Moonsinger could hit it with his club.

From behind Moonsinger, a new ghost rose out of the ground and charged, headed for a head-on collision with Affan (with Moonsinger between them).

 

[Squishy-Math]

((I'm not a wimp tou know))

Moon singer jumps to the side and hits the ghost whith the flagpole as the ghost gets 2 inches away from Affan, blowing the ghost up on him.

 

[Brilliand]

Contrary to Moonsinger's expectations, the entire blast of the explosion went into the flagpole, denting it noticeably. A moment later, Affan jumped sideways, attempting to tackle Moonsinger from less than a foot away.

((That's gotta be hard to dodge.))

 

[Squishy-Math]

Moonsinger raises a ninja headband and does a triple twist and kicks Affan in the back, his foot moving at 14mph