Are you in agreement with your spouse?

[dbhost]

My child free status was thrust upon me after the wedding by my ex wife. I wonder if I am the only one here that has, or has had a strong disagreement with their spouse / ex spouse, on whether to have children or not, and how much strain that puts on a marriage.

 

[fuzzymel]

Not a strong disagreement but my husband was always a someday kinda person. More recently he has come to my way of thinking. I stopped bugging him about being childfree and let him come to his own decision and he has really come to realise that children are not as great as they seemed.

Everyone around us who has had babies have had a terrible time of it so that really showed that it can be terrible from very early pregnancy. We have seen how awful childbirth is. My brothers girlfriend was pretty ill after giving birth and was in and out of hospital. My friend was very ill the whole pregnancy.

I am sad that people around me have had such hard times but it did open my husbands eyes and took him to my way of thinking.

 

[snoochface]

We were in disagreement for a brief period before we married, but through talking things over we resolved it before the wedding. I think there are a couple of people here whose spouses are not 100% on the same page, in one direction or the other.

I can only imagine what a hardship it would be to have this decision come between you after you are married. Of all the decisions couples have to make together over the course of a marriage, this has to be the biggest and most significant. I can see how it would cause conflict and hard feelings for one or both spouses.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Yes, my husband and I are in complete agreement.

 

[dbhost]

For those that are in agreement. What a blessing that must be! Snoochface. I am so glad that you and your husband ironed the descision out before getting married.

It is a rude surprise to wake up one day with someone you thought was in agreement with you on such an important issue, and find they are the in opposition to such an important descision.

I guess it would be like going into a marriage thinking you were in agreement to not have children, then after the wedding getting fairly constant pressure to have children.

I must admit I never pressured my ex for children. I felt that if she didn't want them, it was best to not have children with a parent that didn't want to be a parent. Does that make sense?

 

[Rebekka]

It's a difficult situation to be in.

fuzzymel, I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are more on the same page now!

My husband and I are and always have been in complete agreement about this (and other things too). We have discussed what we'd do in case one of us were to change his/her mind, so if this happens (so far it doesn't look like it) we will try to find a solution. But it's not a dealbreaker.

 

[snoochface]

For those that are in agreement. What a blessing that must be! Snoochface. I am so glad that you and your husband ironed the descision out before getting married.

It is a rude surprise to wake up one day with someone you thought was in agreement with you on such an important issue, and find they are the in opposition to such an important descision.

I guess it would be like going into a marriage thinking you were in agreement to not have children, then after the wedding getting fairly constant pressure to have children.

I must admit I never pressured my ex for children. I felt that if she didn't want them, it was best to not have children with a parent that didn't want to be a parent. Does that make sense?

That makes total sense to me. It's one of the reasons I dislike so many of the arguments we get (by parents, primarily) for having kids when we don't want them, in order to not be "selfish" (their word). If someone does not want kids, they are the last person who should be having them, for the child's sake.

I'm sorry you've been effectively forced into child-freedom. If your age icon is correct, you are definitely young enough to still have children, but I know that is often easier said than done.

 

[peteos]

Everyone around us who has had babies have had a terrible time of it so that really showed that it can be terrible from very early pregnancy. We have seen how awful childbirth is. My brothers girlfriend was pretty ill after giving birth and was in and out of hospital. My friend was very ill the whole pregnancy.

Reminds me of a funny story. I am not childfree, I have two children. When my oldest (who is now five) was only about four or five months we went to a wedding together. She was a pretty tough baby and cried a lot and sometimes the only thing that worked rocking her in a carrier (I was the master at this). Now, my wife had some friends from high school who had gotten married and the woman REALLY wanted a child (while the man wanted to wait). It was a point of contention among other issues in their marriage. Well, for whatever reason, my daughter FLIPPED out that night and screamed and screamed. We had her outside, so no one else could here, but this couple came outside for some odd reason and wanted to oogle and help, and were quite surprised/appalled that I could NOT get my daughter to stop screaming. It seriously went on for at least half an hour if not longer. Anyway, after the evening my wife and I joked that this event would scare them away from having children for some time, and even joked that the man purposely brought his wife out to see it (hence their strange presence). And. . . . it wasn't a joke. Years later, after they finally had a child, we learned that they decided to wait (three years to be exact), because of the events of that evening.

My wife and I were in total agreement after our second child not to have a third and I had a vestomoy. But now she has reexpressed some desire in having a third (which I am 90% against) and though there is no tension over it it makes me sad that she would be disappointed that way. Given my present infertility and the cost to reverse it, we haven't discussed it seriously at all. As for me, I'm like "if you want something cute and cuddly (and babies are cute and cuddly) then lets get a puppy!"

 

[Rebekka]

I've read that vasectomy reversals are often not successful - and expensive.

Puppies are very cute.

 

[peteos]

I've read that vasectomy reversals are often not successful - and expensive.

and painful....

Even puppies are two much work and commitment for me right now. I think we should baby sit other peoples infants. This is win-win

1) other parents get a break
2) wife gets to hold infant baby
3) after an evening of taking care of said baby, wife will hopefully change her mind on wanting more children

My wife commented recently that she was jealous of her other friends who were pregnant (and there are plenty of them as our current church is pumping them out like a Ford assembly line). I am the exact opposite. When I hear a friend or family member is expecting I am very excited.

1) excited for them that they are having a child
2) really really excited that it isn't me.

 

[Rebekka]

My wife commented recently that she was jealous of her other friends who were pregnant (and there are plenty of them as our current church is pumping them out like a Ford assembly line). I am the exact opposite. When I hear a friend or family member is expecting I am very excited.

1) excited for them that they are having a child
2) really really excited that it isn't me.
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Yes, me too.

The babysitting thing sounds like a good plan to me.

 

[dbhost]

That makes total sense to me. It's one of the reasons I dislike so many of the arguments we get (by parents, primarily) for having kids when we don't want them, in order to not be "selfish" (their word). If someone does not want kids, they are the last person who should be having them, for the child's sake.

I'm sorry you've been effectively forced into child-freedom. If your age icon is correct, you are definitely young enough to still have children, but I know that is often easier said than done.

Yes my age icon is correct. My fiancee is a few months younger than I am, and we are both like 65% of adult Americans, overweight. We are trying to lose the weight, but the age factor on her side is a BIG factor in the health of a baby... To be blunt. I may have to ask the Pastor to excuse us immediately after the I do in we are to have healthy children... It's really in God's hands though. Whatever he wants I am good with.

If it's a choice of both husband and wife to be child free, more power to them.

I know some couples where God, or at least Biology have determined that they will not have children. And they chose not to adopt. That would not be my choice if biology didn't cooperate. But I respect their choices. The desire to have a direct "blood tie" is strong...

A wonderful couple at my old church were unable to have children, and chose to end their child free days through foster care, and eventually adoption. Last I knew they had a thriving family of 3 wonderful children.

And in at least two cases I personally know of, the couples in question really should have opted for not having children for their sake, and the kids sake... (Unmarried, or just not wanting to make adjustments once baby comes...)

I do wonder how many child free couples are out there where one, or another spouse makes the decision for the family in question...
I can't be the only one out here can I?

 

[invisiblebabe]

I have health problems that make it so pregnancy would be highly dangerous to both me and a baby. So, my husband understands and will never force me to have biological children. He is more keen on the idea of adoption than I am, but it is definitely a "someday, maybe" kinda thing and not planned.

 

[bluebug83]

I am probably the only responder so far who is closest to being in "disagreement" with my husband: he wants kids someday, I'm"undecided". I actually started a thread about this subject (spouse changing their mind on the kids issue after marriage) in the MM forum, so I'll just link to my response there instead of re-hashing it here.

http://foru.ms/showpost.php?p=39836748&postcount=21

I do remember awhile back there was a young woman who posted here who said that her husband decided after marriage that he didn't want kids, while she did. She said she was choosing to stay married to him anyway and find ways to have a fulfilled life without kids, though there still would be disappointment. And I think it does take a very special sort of person to do that, since the desire to have kids is so strong for many people and not many can "compromise" on it.

 

[dbhost]

I've read that vasectomy reversals are often not successful - and expensive.

Puppies are very cute.

And according to one friend of mine who he and his wife changed their minds after 10 years. QUITE painful...

 

[dbhost]

I am probably the only responder so far who is closest to being in "disagreement" with my husband: he wants kids someday, I'm"undecided". I actually started a thread about this subject (spouse changing their mind on the kids issue after marriage) in the MM forum, so I'll just link to my response there instead of re-hashing it here.

http://foru.ms/showpost.php?p=39836748&postcount=21

I do remember awhile back there was a young woman who posted here who said that her husband decided after marriage that he didn't want kids, while she did. She said she was choosing to stay married to him anyway and find ways to have a fulfilled life without kids, though there still would be disappointment. And I think it does take a very special sort of person to do that, since the desire to have kids is so strong for many people and not many can "compromise" on it.

I stayed married to my ex because at the time, I did not have a biblical grounds for divorce. Of course if I was Catholic it would have been easy enough to get an annulment. But I'm not, and that isn't really the point...

For those of you that are in disagreement with your spouse on this issue. It is a HUGE one that can breed resentment and hostility in your marriage. I would strongly suggest you come to some sort of agreement in this. If left unchecked it will most likely poison your marriage. Trust me. You don't want that.

 

[Mskedi]

My husband and I are completely in agreement. We trade back and forth on who doesn't want kids MORE, but we're always in agreement that we don't want kids.

The only thing we disagree about is if I were to accidentally become pregnant, what we would do. I would keep the baby and become a good parent. I know I could switch my mind to do that. My husband says it's completely my choice and he would go along with it, but I know he would prefer an abortion.

That's why we're looking into permanent birth control options.

When I hear a friend or family member is expecting I am very excited.

1) excited for them that they are having a child
2) really really excited that it isn't me.
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Ha!

 

[bluebug83]

For those of you that are in disagreement with your spouse on this issue. It is a HUGE one that can breed resentment and hostility in your marriage. I would strongly suggest you come to some sort of agreement in this. If left unchecked it will most likely poison your marriage. Trust me. You don't want that.

Unfortunately, "agreement" is something you can't force in a relationship, because you can't ever force yourself to feel differently than you do. That's why learning to see things from your spouse's point of view and respecting their concerns, and having good communication skills to sit down and have a civil discussion about disagreements is so important in a marriage. Getting married means that you will always have to answer to someone else in all the big decisions in life, and that's something I think many people cannot handle, especially regarding important life decisions.

There is a chance that our marriage may come to a point where my husband is wanting kids, and I am still unsure or leaning towards"no", and we don't have many fertile years left to make a decision. It may be that he is solidly in the "yes" camp and I am solidly in the "no" camp, and neither of us can change how we feel. But what I would do (and I trust my husband would, too) is sit down and think about whose desire is greater. Can I see that he desperately wants a child, and I am not crazy about it but know and trust that he will be an awesome father who will be my partner through it all, and I am willing to go through it as an act of love to him, and am willing to take on the sacrifice it requires to be a parent? That may be the case. And we would start with one kid, and may stop there if I feel like one is all I can handle. And he may realize that he really likes the idea of having kids, but can see that I'm not sure I have the stuff it takes to be a good parent and that is stronger than his desire to have kids, and can find a way to fill that "parent" need by, say, helping out with the youth group (which we currently do) or being a Big Brother to a kid in need. That is how you "compromise" on the issue, even though you will never "agree" when it comes to your actual desires.

And when you do reach a compromise, it is important for both parties to realize that decision is final and get used to life that way, and find a way to be happy with that way of life. I do think happiness is a choice, and you can be happy regardless of the circumstances if you seek it out. I'm not perfect and definitely struggle with that much of the time, but deep down I do believe it. And I have an amazing man who is my life partner who is awesome at living that out, and has showed me how wonderful it is when you live life that way. I'm not trying to "judge" anyone who doesn't meet that standard (like I said, I myself don't most of the time), but am just speaking from my own personal experience.

 

[AveMaria]

Frankly, this is the main reason we're not married, yet.

He still has enough occasional "maybe a baby or two wouldn't be that bad" twinges and II want to give him some space/time to work out how he feels about that, before marriage and/or sterilization.

I've seen too many marriages where one person went into matrimony with a somewhat subconscious mentality that their partner would change/change their mind about a deal-breaker topic (ie, children, being a SAHM, heavy drinking, illicit drug use, etc). Recipe for disaster.

 

[cherryblossom03]

We pretty much both are. Every now and then dh will think it would be nice, but then when usually start screaming he changes his mind.