Are we allowing ourselves to be robbed?

[nooby]

PAUL the apostle certainly advocated singleness!

Where are the CHAMPIONS of singleness today?


In todays society if you are 'single' you are somehow automatically labelled as odd (obviously this is nonesense). Pre-conditioning also takes place by the media. How many people have had their sexuality questioned for being single?
Is your shopping experience cattered for as a single person? I am sure there are many examples and areas of this:

If you can think of others please feel free to add your own comments.

Someday I would like to get married. I feel that love, affection, romance, marriage, sexual intimacy are all important areas of our lives (to be sure) but
I want to let go of the worries and the hurt (will I or won't I...how long...the not knowing is to hard...the pain is to much...)

I WANT TO BE FREE to enjoy life and to WORSHIP, LOVE & ADORE my JESUS now, but to honour and praise God on the day I meet my bride.

What PRACTICAL steps (even training) can we take to produce:

PSALM 84 v 2b?

Bless you all - in Christ Jesus.

 

[Buskanaka]

You're right, signleness is seen as some kind of disease. I don't think this is a uniquely modern attitude though, it's been around for a long time. Here are some things I think are good ideas:

- Live so that you are focused on others, rather than yourself. Get involved in ministry and service to other people so you don't spend all your time thinking about yourself and your problems.

- Bury yourself in the Bible and prayer, study and read to learn more about God and His Word to us. What better way to spend your time, and this isn't just a pursuit for singles.

 

[fishstix]

I think part of the problem is our attitude about ourselves. Too many singles feel like there's something wrong with themselves or they are incomplete or not really living until they find a partner. And then, once they do find a partner they all too often become the married people who look on singles as having some kind of disease.

 

[klewlis]

I think part of the problem is our attitude about ourselves. Too many singles feel like there's something wrong with themselves or they are incomplete or not really living until they find a partner. And then, once they do find a partner they all too often become the married people who look on singles as having some kind of disease.

or as inferior in some way! Fortunately I'm past the worst of it now, but during the time when all of my friends were getting engaged and married, it was like an exclusive club and they treated me as though I couldn't understand or participate because I was single, and it drove me crazy. Many of them now have been married long enough to stop that and have instead started to envy my singleness, so that is nicer.

Anyway, I think that it is not as big of a deal these days as it was in previous generations... in the secular world, at least, there are many more single people, including women who buy their own houses, have their own careers, etc, so it is becoming more accepted. In the church there is still more pressure because of the sex issue, and also I think many of us want ministry partners as well.

 

[Stanfi]

I think we allow ourselves to be robbed by the society in which we live. Our world is a couples world. It seems like so many things are desinged "for two". Also listen to the secular music on the radio. How many songs are saturated with statements of romantic love? Not to mention television or movies. How many times do we "save the girl".

I think all of the influence gives us the mindset that we must have someone to survive. Yes, we must have someone,, but that someone is God, and God alone.

 

[nooby]

or as inferior in some way! Fortunately I'm past the worst of it now, but during the time when all of my friends were getting engaged and married, it was like an exclusive club and they treated me as though I couldn't understand or participate because I was single, and it drove me crazy. Many of them now have been married long enough to stop that and have instead started to envy my singleness, so that is nicer.

Anyway, I think that it is not as big of a deal these days as it was in previous generations... in the secular world, at least, there are many more single people, including women who buy their own houses, have their own careers, etc, so it is becoming more accepted. In the church there is still more pressure because of the sex issue, and also I think many of us want ministry partners as well.

Thanks for this klewlis. I can relate to this. My friends definitely changed when they got married (its not to say all my friends are married). It just happened naturally - but I did notice it. Even when going as a large group (happend on most occasions) to the local pub for a Sunday afternoon meal there is an unconscious seperation - 'singles' one table 'marrieds' on another. It has subsequently changed since peops pointed it out - but thats just it, it had to be mentioned.

 

[nooby]

You're right, signleness is seen as some kind of disease. I don't think this is a uniquely modern attitude though, it's been around for a long time. Here are some things I think are good ideas:

- Live so that you are focused on others, rather than yourself. Get involved in ministry and service to other people so you don't spend all your time thinking about yourself and your problems.

- Bury yourself in the Bible and prayer, study and read to learn more about God and His Word to us. What better way to spend your time, and this isn't just a pursuit for singles.

Thanks for these Buskanaka.

I couldn't agree more. We need to focus on other people far more.
BUT - how can we do this?

Many people I speak to are seriously overworked (this is common place - as I am sure you are well aware). They genuinely have a 'preference to help or focus on others' but there circumstances are such that they simply are unable to do this. There have been many times after a gruelling day at work when I have got home and just thought 'BED - NEED SLEEP!'

I am talking for my self here. Eventhough I am exhausted and mentally fatigued - this is still an excuse (of sorts). I don't agree with pushing yourself to a point where you experience burn out but

2 Corinthians 6 v 3-10

Its going to require sacrifice (a word I confess I do struggle with - but it is biblical so I must bring myself in line with this).

I need to make time for others. To focus on the needs of others around me. Its not to say that mine or anybody elses struggles/problems are not important. When we do not focus on ourselves our needs are met anyway!

Yeup! God is encouraging me with that! I have not really studied the bible for far to long! Even my time spent with Jesus has been minimal. I can sense the Holy Spirit 'prodding' me! My heart is being softened and God is firmly but gently bringing me back to him.

 

[nooby]

I think part of the problem is our attitude about ourselves. Too many singles feel like there's something wrong with themselves or they are incomplete or not really living until they find a partner. And then, once they do find a partner they all too often become the married people who look on singles as having some kind of disease.

Had never thought of it like this. Self perpetuating.

Anyway, I think that it is not as big of a deal these days as it was in previous generations... in the secular world, at least, there are many more single people, including women who buy their own houses, have their own careers, etc, so it is becoming more accepted. In the church there is still more pressure because of the sex issue, and also I think many of us want ministry partners as well.

Great point klewlis. Thanks for this.

I think we allow ourselves to be robbed by the society in which we live. Our world is a couples world. It seems like so many things are desinged "for two". Also listen to the secular music on the radio. How many songs are saturated with statements of romantic love? Not to mention television or movies. How many times do we "save the girl".

I think all of the influence gives us the mindset that we must have someone to survive. Yes, we must have someone,, but that someone is God, and God alone.

Thanks mrstace. Completely agree.

Even in marriage there is a place where God is only allowed! So often you see in the secular world people say (about their spouse or partner) "you are my salvation...I live for you...etc" This is so wrong.

Let a man be a man, let a woman be a woman but never should either take the place of God!

 

[oldrooster]

Lot of it comes from well meaning, but misguided folks around us, my daughter keeps trying to fix me up. Sister does the same. I am happy in my singleness, finally getting over the pain of divorce, not ready to think about relationships for a while.

 

[klewlis]

Lot of it comes from well meaning, but misguided folks around us, my daughter keeps trying to fix me up. Sister does the same. I am happy in my singleness, finally getting over the pain of divorce, not ready to think about relationships for a while.

yes, I think the pressure from family can sometimes be the greatest. My mom will make side comments about wanting grandchildren. Also, *everyone* in my extended family was married young (and usually divorced young...) so they think it's really strange that I am 25 and unmarried. But my mom has figured out that I am *happy* right now, and not in a rush to change anything because my life is good and I am content.

Anyway, we are getting sidetracked! How can we champion singleness?

My job is great because due to the nature of my work, it is sometimes actually better to be single--nearly all of my coworkers are single women. This is often good because our clients have serious issues with males--so although it would be good to be able to demonstrate for them a healthy marriage, at the same time it is usually easier to identify with them as a single woman. Being single also allows me to devote myself to my work much more fully than I would if I had children or a husband needing my attention. I can work any hours and am available on-call.

I also have a lot more time on my hands for involvement in my church and community--I volunteer regularly and love it. And for myself--I go to the gym, go on weekend trips to see friends or family, stay home and read a book, do whatever. My life is great and I am loving it.

 

[DontWorryBeHappy]

You know, I've been thinking over this thread for a while now and I keep coming to one thing- Singleness is quite the gift in its own way.

I've seen so many people on this board who are concerned at FAR too young an age with marriage. I personally didn't know who I was, what I wanted and what made me happy until just a few years ago. The time I've spent single has been my greatest blessing because it's allowed me to discover all those things about myself.

The bottom line is that you have to know how to make YOURSELF happy before you can expect someone else to make you happy. If you go into any relationship, marriage or otherwise, expecting that your spouse or significant other is going to provide your sole happiness, you're going to be sorely disappointed. You're also going to make things more difficult for that person by placing those expectations on them. And if you are not happy yourself, how do you expect to make someone else happy. That really is a two way street.

 

[LynneClomina]

you may want to check out the Purposeful Singleness website.

http://www.singleness.org

 

[nooby]

yes, I think the pressure from family can sometimes be the greatest. My mom will make side comments about wanting grandchildren. Also, *everyone* in my extended family was married young (and usually divorced young...) so they think it's really strange that I am 25 and unmarried. But my mom has figured out that I am *happy* right now, and not in a rush to change anything because my life is good and I am content.

Anyway, we are getting sidetracked! How can we champion singleness?

Yes. You are right. I had a number of problems with my folks (except my dad and my youngest brother). Please don't get me wrong I love my whole family to bits - I can't get enough of them !

One area where I hope I was able to 'champion singleness' is as follows:

My sexuality was questioned by almost all my family members. It was done subtly though. Little comments here and there. Even my grans mentioned things in passing. This caused tremendous hurt and pain inside. I knew they were trying to be helpful.

one comment I remember: 'Don't you think it a little odd that you don't have a girlfriend?'
Just by implication I new what was being said.

The usual also happened at school, college and so on.

I kept this to myself for a long time (my family did not realise).

It wasn't until my Mum said something which made me realise I had to put a stop to this.

I can't remember how the conversation came about but she ended up saying

'I don't think you are gay...'

'think' being the operative word.

I had to talk with different family members and told them how much the things they had said had hurt. It took many years for this to really sink in! Somehow the message still hasn't got through to my grans.

I don't think people neccessarily realise that (although well intentioned) some of the things that they say/do can be very destructive.

They also put single people under incredible stress for being themselves.

Does anyone else have a 'story' of where they were able to help others realise that it is absolutely fine to be single?

My job is great because due to the nature of my work, it is sometimes actually better to be single--nearly all of my coworkers are single women. This is often good because our clients have serious issues with males--so although it would be good to be able to demonstrate for them a healthy marriage, at the same time it is usually easier to identify with them as a single woman. Being single also allows me to devote myself to my work much more fully than I would if I had children or a husband needing my attention. I can work any hours and am available on-call.

Hi klewlis,

What kind of work do you do? It sounds really interesting.

 

[nooby]

Singleness is quite the gift in its own way.

I'm writing this in my bible!

Thanks - DWBH.

 

[klewlis]

Hi klewlis,

What kind of work do you do? It sounds really interesting.

I work in a safe home for young women who are or have been involved in prostitution (technically we take boys too but that is very rare). The Alberta government has a program called PCHIP (protection for children involved in prostitution) where the police are allowed to apprehend a kid and place her in a safe place against her wishes, so that she is hopefully rescued from a bad situation. It's a good thing in theory but the kids tend to run away as soon as they get to our house. We have better luck with those who are a little older (18-20) because they have more of a desire to actually get better and so are more willing to be helped. We give them a safe place to live, 24 hour staff, and any resources and support that we can to help them overcome their addictions (the toughest part) and other issues. It's a wonderful job but also heartwrenching. Their addictions are what bring them down again and again, and are the toughest thing to overcome. But our model is based on "harm reduction", so if we even keep a girl for a few days or a few weeks, that is a few days when she is not on the streets, and the hope is that next time she will stay a little longer (which usually works).

I love, love, love, love my job!



(even though it regularly makes me cry)

 

[HoosierCanuck]

My sexuality was questioned by almost all my family members. It was done subtly though. Little comments here and there. Even my grans mentioned things in passing. This caused tremendous hurt and pain inside. I knew they were trying to be helpful.

one comment I remember: 'Don't you think it a little odd that you don't have a girlfriend?'

Just by implication I new what was being said.

I kept this to myself for a long time (my family did not realise).

I don't think people neccessarily realise that (although well intentioned) some of the things that they say/do can be very destructive.

They also put single people under incredible stress for being themselves

Ditto Nooby...my Mum has 'subtly' questioned my orientation more than once in the last ten years because I hang around my single friend of the same sex. My cousin is 45 and never been married and hangs out with other single men and mum has wondered aloud about him too. My rant is about people like mum who think that because you're single and do things with people of the same sex you must be gay! aaaaaaaargh!!!! I would love to have a close male friend but I don't. As for the boyfriend....well, this town is devoid of decent men.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I like to remind people that Jesus Himself was single. Our Saviour lived his earthly life as a SINGLE. Aren't we supposed to become more like Him? Bingo! People would gasp at the thought of thinking 'something was wrong' with Jesus because HE was single...now if we can just get them to remember that us regular humans are okay too.

 

[Aussie_Gareth]

I think society is built for couples, as someone here already said. It's pre-conditioned that we have to be with someone, it's expected that we have to have a b/f or g/f or be married. I've always been single because I have to work out who I am and how I fit into this world before someone else can enter my life and share it. People have thought I'm gay many times, not only because I'm single, but because I'm also very passive in my personality (gentle) it's sad really. I'm going to be alone for a very long time to come, so it doesn't matter if someone else has a problem with it, because it's not their problem. I've always been happier in my own company anyway.

 

[uniqute]

My sexuality was questioned by almost all my family members. It was done subtly though. Little comments here and there. Even my grans mentioned things in passing. This caused tremendous hurt and pain inside. I knew they were trying to be helpful.

Thanks nooby (and everyone), its so nice to know that its not just me who gets that! It drives me nuts that just because I haven't had a serious boyfriend people start questioning my orientation. It sucks that when I talk to some people I feel like I have to think carefully about how I say things so that they don't get (or "confirm") their wrong idea. I know they just want me to be happy, but do they really think it will make me 'happy' to just go out with some guy who I know isn't the right person for me, or me for him?

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Thanks nooby (and everyone), its so nice to know that its not just me who gets that! It drives me nuts that just because I haven't had a serious boyfriend people start questioning my orientation. It sucks that when I talk to some people I feel like I have to think carefully about how I say things so that they don't get (or "confirm") their wrong idea. I know they just want me to be happy, but do they really think it will make me 'happy' to just go out with some guy who I know isn't the right person for me, or me for him?

Amen sister! Sometimes I feel like I have to make it a point to mention some actor or somebody that I think is good looking just so in my mind I can 'confirm' to the other person that I am straight. It does suck...royally!