- Jul 14, 2019
- 1
- 1
- 25
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Agnostic
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
Hello,
Disclaimer: This is going to be pretty long so I’ll summarize what I’ll be asking. For an internship I’ve been placed in a completely different and far away state than my home, and I’ve been separated from my family, friends, and boyfriend: my family and boyfriend creating a lot of new problems on their own. I’ll go into detail later but these issues have brought back some severe anxiety and depression I haven’t felt since I attempted suicide a few years back. It’s brought up classic old fears of death and what happens after, but stronger than they’ve ever been and it’s been haunting me for about a week now. Some occurrences I can’t explain have happened and would like some advice from more experienced people who have a solid belief system. I consider myself an omniest, I believe there is truth to every religion, but I was raised as a catholic christian and decided to go where I’m familiar and comfortable.
Story: For the past two months I’ve been alone in another state for a Zoology internship. I’ve recently decided to take the oath of pursuing veterinary medicine because I love animals, although my heart is still displaced on a completely different career field of video game design (I wanted to create stories that could reach out to people and make them happy). This change in career path had me in the process of switching colleges by going to a community one first, but I didn’t make it into any of the 4-year university’s I applied for because of my GPA. Feeling stupid and unsure that temporary classes for one semester at a community college would change my path, I decided to stay at my current University (that already had a better science program in biology, just not zoology) which also happens to be where my boyfriend attends. My parents were angry because it is an expensive private institution and had expected to be paying less at the community college, and I later found out that all my college tuition was placed in loans (for just undergraduate, I’d end up with 200k in loans to pay off). My family is upper middle class and it just really hurt me that they kept this from me. Another instigating factor this summer was my boyfriend gradually getting meaner and angrier, throwing tantrums now that we were separated (he is very attached) after I had a discussion with him about being less ready for sex (I am still a virgin) than I originally made it seem I was. I am not innocent from becoming more on edge while talking to him too, but there have been a lot of overreactions on his part. He came to visit me for a weekend which made everything between us perfect again, but soon after, whether it was me not calling him enough or something else, he’d begun having fits again. Not during an argument but during him apologizing (a very good one) he mentioned a phrase that was very odd that I didn’t expect and asked me, “What would I do if you died?” This ended up sending me into the psychological and existential frenzy of the past week that I’m bringing to you all now. Displacement at work and periodic fits of anxiety and crying had sent me on a search for proof of consciousness after death. Looking into evidences of NDE and OBE, as well as reincarnation memories have given me enough hope to believe there is something, but for some reason I keep falling back into something of feeling unsure. This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. A feeling in between wanting to die and wanting to live and find happiness and meaning. I was fearful of death, after my failed suicide attempt (via car exhaust) I told myself that I would find out what it means to feel happy. I haven’t yet but I know I will. Yet if there was nothing after death, what would be the point? All that work and love I placed into my career and the people around me and I’d forget all of it, forget everything that made me, me.
Signs: I ended up begging for signs, anything. General praying to God or an all powerful entity that would be seen as God at first, not asking for anything but simple innocent questions, as if I were talking to a friend. Then as my state became more severe I began asking for dreams. Where I then wouldn’t dream, and become more frightened. The only time I felt calm during this week was when I decided that life after death was a combination of religions, where I then got into an Uber with a driver who talked to me the whole time about racial differences, how minorities were left off to live much more difficult lives (that of which I already understood) but that it was getting better. After that I began thinking of signs from God through people. But I’m not smart or observant enough to draw difficult conclusions with confidence, so I kept being skeptical and needing more clarity. Within the past 24 hours, I have been deeply thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend, I know we are not meant to get married, but I do love him a lot and want to make him happy for the next couple years before we separate once college ends. He’s helped me so much to improve myself, and I try my best to return it. But for some reason I do not feel comfortable having sex with him now. I do not believe a need for people to withhold their chastity until marriage, I do not think that sort of judgment will matter in the end. However, just last night a fellow patron of my Airbnb intruded into my room, completely out of character (perhaps after drinking a lot of Kratom tea? I know it’s in the opioid family) and started telling me how much of a wonderful person I was as a intellectual, I was calm and funny, and how beautiful I was, he even touched my leg. After having him leave and not taking it too seriously, he came back on two more separate occasions. One of which he told me that, if I ever felt like leaving my boyfriend for a day I’d know where to find him, promptly after telling me about his divorce and to make sure I stay with the right person. Afterwards I told my boyfriend who I didn’t want to call that night due to it being my one day weeknight (I only have one day weekends now) and I needed to call my family and friend. He got extremely jealous and angry, even going so far at to get mad at me for not taking the situation more seriously. I made sure the other girl in my house was safe and locked my door, but he still got mad at me. He even told me to not come to his house after my internship ended (as we planned) and to just go straight home. This is why I knew he was throwing another of his tantrums, and I was genuinely on the verge of asking to take a break from the relationship. I just can’t break his heart though, because I love him a lot still and will always cherish his friendship. Yet I couldn’t stop wondering, is this a sign? Perhaps I’m driving myself insane, but I can’t help but keep begging to know more answers. I’ve come to the conclusion for myself that, with more answers I’d want to spread this hope to others and relinquish fear the best that I could. In my next life I’d like to be better in this way and teach others the truth. But for some reason I keep falling back into patterns of fear. I’ve discussed it with my mom and she says I’ll have a psychiatric appointment for when I get home, but that’s in 2.5 weeks, and I genuinely feel like I’ll lose my mind if I have to spend that much longer feeling this way and fearing death, being confused about where to go in my life. I’ve been considering doing pst life regression, and of course, fell into my own cycle again of researching and running into skeptics and inexplainable truths: splitting me once again. As of a couple hours ago, I decided to lie down and communicate. I learned that signs would never go against established good commandments, as in they’d never enforce us to do anything negative. I crossed my arms as if I was hugging myself, and on my side I focused and tried to clear all of my thoughts which I felt like I did. I asked what did these signs mean if they were signs, is there a way to make them more clear? Then I apologized for my stupidity and being unable to not understand vagueness. Throughout this ordeal of trying to relay this message through, I kept having to clear my mind and keep it stable. Eventually I feel as though I fell asleep for 20 minutes, and woke up extremely dazed and heavy, extremely tired with my body feeling just as heavy. And I kept asking myself as I was drifting, is this a sign?
Question: I guess what I’m trying to ask here is, were these messages, or are they explainable to psychological stress? Is the fact that my search for these signs were partly selfish why I haven’t been able to feel balanced? Is there a way to know? Is this a common occurrence in deep, desperate prayer? Am I just driving myself insane in a place where I’m alone? If there are any pastors or people with experience in witnessing this stuff, or people who have experienced things like this themselves, please help me. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Thank you.
Disclaimer: This is going to be pretty long so I’ll summarize what I’ll be asking. For an internship I’ve been placed in a completely different and far away state than my home, and I’ve been separated from my family, friends, and boyfriend: my family and boyfriend creating a lot of new problems on their own. I’ll go into detail later but these issues have brought back some severe anxiety and depression I haven’t felt since I attempted suicide a few years back. It’s brought up classic old fears of death and what happens after, but stronger than they’ve ever been and it’s been haunting me for about a week now. Some occurrences I can’t explain have happened and would like some advice from more experienced people who have a solid belief system. I consider myself an omniest, I believe there is truth to every religion, but I was raised as a catholic christian and decided to go where I’m familiar and comfortable.
Story: For the past two months I’ve been alone in another state for a Zoology internship. I’ve recently decided to take the oath of pursuing veterinary medicine because I love animals, although my heart is still displaced on a completely different career field of video game design (I wanted to create stories that could reach out to people and make them happy). This change in career path had me in the process of switching colleges by going to a community one first, but I didn’t make it into any of the 4-year university’s I applied for because of my GPA. Feeling stupid and unsure that temporary classes for one semester at a community college would change my path, I decided to stay at my current University (that already had a better science program in biology, just not zoology) which also happens to be where my boyfriend attends. My parents were angry because it is an expensive private institution and had expected to be paying less at the community college, and I later found out that all my college tuition was placed in loans (for just undergraduate, I’d end up with 200k in loans to pay off). My family is upper middle class and it just really hurt me that they kept this from me. Another instigating factor this summer was my boyfriend gradually getting meaner and angrier, throwing tantrums now that we were separated (he is very attached) after I had a discussion with him about being less ready for sex (I am still a virgin) than I originally made it seem I was. I am not innocent from becoming more on edge while talking to him too, but there have been a lot of overreactions on his part. He came to visit me for a weekend which made everything between us perfect again, but soon after, whether it was me not calling him enough or something else, he’d begun having fits again. Not during an argument but during him apologizing (a very good one) he mentioned a phrase that was very odd that I didn’t expect and asked me, “What would I do if you died?” This ended up sending me into the psychological and existential frenzy of the past week that I’m bringing to you all now. Displacement at work and periodic fits of anxiety and crying had sent me on a search for proof of consciousness after death. Looking into evidences of NDE and OBE, as well as reincarnation memories have given me enough hope to believe there is something, but for some reason I keep falling back into something of feeling unsure. This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. A feeling in between wanting to die and wanting to live and find happiness and meaning. I was fearful of death, after my failed suicide attempt (via car exhaust) I told myself that I would find out what it means to feel happy. I haven’t yet but I know I will. Yet if there was nothing after death, what would be the point? All that work and love I placed into my career and the people around me and I’d forget all of it, forget everything that made me, me.
Signs: I ended up begging for signs, anything. General praying to God or an all powerful entity that would be seen as God at first, not asking for anything but simple innocent questions, as if I were talking to a friend. Then as my state became more severe I began asking for dreams. Where I then wouldn’t dream, and become more frightened. The only time I felt calm during this week was when I decided that life after death was a combination of religions, where I then got into an Uber with a driver who talked to me the whole time about racial differences, how minorities were left off to live much more difficult lives (that of which I already understood) but that it was getting better. After that I began thinking of signs from God through people. But I’m not smart or observant enough to draw difficult conclusions with confidence, so I kept being skeptical and needing more clarity. Within the past 24 hours, I have been deeply thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend, I know we are not meant to get married, but I do love him a lot and want to make him happy for the next couple years before we separate once college ends. He’s helped me so much to improve myself, and I try my best to return it. But for some reason I do not feel comfortable having sex with him now. I do not believe a need for people to withhold their chastity until marriage, I do not think that sort of judgment will matter in the end. However, just last night a fellow patron of my Airbnb intruded into my room, completely out of character (perhaps after drinking a lot of Kratom tea? I know it’s in the opioid family) and started telling me how much of a wonderful person I was as a intellectual, I was calm and funny, and how beautiful I was, he even touched my leg. After having him leave and not taking it too seriously, he came back on two more separate occasions. One of which he told me that, if I ever felt like leaving my boyfriend for a day I’d know where to find him, promptly after telling me about his divorce and to make sure I stay with the right person. Afterwards I told my boyfriend who I didn’t want to call that night due to it being my one day weeknight (I only have one day weekends now) and I needed to call my family and friend. He got extremely jealous and angry, even going so far at to get mad at me for not taking the situation more seriously. I made sure the other girl in my house was safe and locked my door, but he still got mad at me. He even told me to not come to his house after my internship ended (as we planned) and to just go straight home. This is why I knew he was throwing another of his tantrums, and I was genuinely on the verge of asking to take a break from the relationship. I just can’t break his heart though, because I love him a lot still and will always cherish his friendship. Yet I couldn’t stop wondering, is this a sign? Perhaps I’m driving myself insane, but I can’t help but keep begging to know more answers. I’ve come to the conclusion for myself that, with more answers I’d want to spread this hope to others and relinquish fear the best that I could. In my next life I’d like to be better in this way and teach others the truth. But for some reason I keep falling back into patterns of fear. I’ve discussed it with my mom and she says I’ll have a psychiatric appointment for when I get home, but that’s in 2.5 weeks, and I genuinely feel like I’ll lose my mind if I have to spend that much longer feeling this way and fearing death, being confused about where to go in my life. I’ve been considering doing pst life regression, and of course, fell into my own cycle again of researching and running into skeptics and inexplainable truths: splitting me once again. As of a couple hours ago, I decided to lie down and communicate. I learned that signs would never go against established good commandments, as in they’d never enforce us to do anything negative. I crossed my arms as if I was hugging myself, and on my side I focused and tried to clear all of my thoughts which I felt like I did. I asked what did these signs mean if they were signs, is there a way to make them more clear? Then I apologized for my stupidity and being unable to not understand vagueness. Throughout this ordeal of trying to relay this message through, I kept having to clear my mind and keep it stable. Eventually I feel as though I fell asleep for 20 minutes, and woke up extremely dazed and heavy, extremely tired with my body feeling just as heavy. And I kept asking myself as I was drifting, is this a sign?
Question: I guess what I’m trying to ask here is, were these messages, or are they explainable to psychological stress? Is the fact that my search for these signs were partly selfish why I haven’t been able to feel balanced? Is there a way to know? Is this a common occurrence in deep, desperate prayer? Am I just driving myself insane in a place where I’m alone? If there are any pastors or people with experience in witnessing this stuff, or people who have experienced things like this themselves, please help me. I’m not sure what to do anymore.
Thank you.
