Are Singles >40 being neglected?

[exitstageright]

Are Singles greater than 40 years old now being neglected?
My home church,which is only 3.5 miles from where I live,used to have what we called,"Friday Night Singles."
It was a good place to meet,after the end of the week, for bible studies,fellowship,and for our singles' outings. After our Singles Pastor left,my church did not want to hire another Singles Pastor. Now our church just want everybody to meet in small groups,which is great for married members,but not for our single members,as many singles have complained that they are tired of meeting with the same old small group. They want to meet new people.

Now,I have to drive about 25 miles east to go to single events at another chucrh. We used to have one dance every third Saturday night.This year,the dances are given every third Satuday of the month. We had one dance in March. Next Month,in June,we are having another dance.Yesterday,5-26-12,I was informed that the dance next month will be our last dance,as our Sinlges' Pastor will be let go by the church. We will have no more singles'activities at this church. Some singles,who go to this church,say that they are leaving this church.
One guy,took the words right out of my mouth. He said,"The problem with these Pastors today is that most of these Pastors are married to their High School sweetharts,have never been divorced,have no clue what it is like to be single again after 40 years,and look upon singles over 40,who have never been married,as a bunch of losers. Singles are only one income,while the married couples are contributing with two incomes."

When I was an youngster,I heard this expression,"The is too little "Church" in the world,and there is too much "World" in the church." Churches today seem to be treating singles over 40 just as the world does, as second class citizens. Sometimes,being an ex-sailor,I feel like starting a "Muntiny" of some sort at our church. But,that would not be Christ-like. So now all we should and have to do is pray that God would soften the hearts of our church's leadership. We would love to have a place for us over 40 singles to socialize once a week,without having to go to a secular club,such as
"The Funky Monkey" on the week ends. Yes,there is a real club in my town called,"The Funky Monkey".

Are there any other singles greater than 40 who feel that they are being treated this way at their church?

 

[mjmcmillan]

I reckon it happens at every church. Certainly I know that the one I go to doesn't have anything for singles at all, so it stands to reason there's nothing for older singles.

While reading your post, the thought came. "OK, how about starting a singles group?" You see the need, so take a look at what it would take to start and perhaps lead an older singles ministry in your congregation. It might be worth a look, anyway.

 

[blackribbon]

The purpose of small groups is to get to know a small group of people on an intimate level so that they can come together when a member needs help or support. These are particularly important in bigger churches where it is easy for a person to fall through the cracks and never get noticed. They are not supposed to be places where you meet new people.

As for social events?...well, I don't see the purpose of the church as a place to "meet" for dating purposes...though I could see that there is some value in offering events like this. If you want to make friendships, then it really doesn't matter if your friends are married or single...and then male only or female only types of events make more sense because these friendship can continue as your circumstances change...we all start out single...many get married...but in the end, most will end up single again either through death or divorce.

Can you start a social group through your church where you may just meet up at different venues each weekend? Do you really need an assigned pastor for this role?

 

[blackribbon]

PS. I drive 25 minutes to go to church...and this is one of the closest churches I have ever attended.

 

[dayhiker]

exit,
I talked a few years ago to my BIL's brother. He was going to a church. There was several middle age adults attending and they did do quite a few things together, from Bible studies to some social things. This church taught tithing. J told me all the singles were tithing. But the church didn't spend any money to help them with the activities they were interested in. Other groups in the church had money spent on them.

I suggested they take 10, 15 or 20 dollars of their tithe and not put it in the offering place but use it for their activities. I suspect that they didn't do it. If a church was always taking .. I'd have no problem cutting back on my giving and give somewhere else.

Now that I think about I am doing that in a way. I've been going to adult activities that aren't church sponsored. Many Christians would have some serious problems with some of the activities I've attended. Yes, I've shared what my church and love for Jesus means to me more in the last 3 months than I have in years. Now all these things cost money. The weekend HAI relationship workshop cost me 400. But I got to share with several people what Jesus meant to me. There were some other Christians there who had some struggles and I got to encourage them some as well.

So I think there are ways to do things as adult singles that are meaningful and that Jesus will be pleased with. I even think I'm finally doing some things the way Jesus did them.

 

[exitstageright]

I reckon it happens at every church. Certainly I know that the one I go to doesn't have anything for singles at all, so it stands to reason there's nothing for older singles.

While reading your post, the thought came. "OK, how about starting a singles group?" You see the need, so take a look at what it would take to start and perhaps lead an older singles ministry in your congregation. It might be worth a look, anyway.

Thanks for the sugguestion.

Well,one lady last night did have us exchange phone numbers for possible events past this comming June.Since I work full time,it would be very difficult for me to lead anything. There is a friend of mine who tries to organize outings on Friday nights,however,he works full time also.

In this San Francisci Bay Area,things are so expensive that one has to work full time to be able to afford to do anything. With gas costing almost $5.00 per gallon,many budgets are being streched to their limits already.

 

[exitstageright]

The purpose of small groups is to get to know a small group of people on an intimate level so that they can come together when a member needs help or support. These are particularly important in bigger churches where it is easy for a person to fall through the cracks and never get noticed. They are not supposed to be places where you meet new people.

As for social events?...well, I don't see the purpose of the church as a place to "meet" for dating purposes...though I could see that there is some value in offering events like this. If you want to make friendships, then it really doesn't matter if your friends are married or single...and then male only or female only types of events make more sense because these friendship can continue as your circumstances change...we all start out single...many get married...but in the end, most will end up single again either through death or divorce.

Can you start a social group through your church where you may just meet up at different venues each weekend? Do you really need an assigned pastor for this role?

We probalbly could meet at certain places but not on our church grounds.We have a big church. One has to reserve meeting rooms. We were told that in order for us to have a large singles group,as we did before. We would have to have a Singles' Pastor. Yet our church will not hire a Singles' Pastor,talk about catch-22.

Since I am not indepedently wealthy,I have neither the funds nor the time to start a full time Singles' Ministry at my church.

More than 10 years ago,we had a sponsor for our christian singles dances. We had about two dances every month at various places.The man could no longer keep the dances going,as he just ran out of funds.

 

[dayhiker]

Wow, exit, I've never heard of a church that would deny its members the use of the building they meet in.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I wonder if it's possible one of the members could get a bee in their bonnet and decide to be the "Single's Pastor"? If it requires degrees and documentation, you may be out of luck. But, maybe all it requires is somebody listening to God and deciding to obey God and do it. Of course, at our age that can be hard because of course we're all busy. Still, it may be something to consider.

If your church has its nose so firmly planted in the sky that it won't even consider "lay leadership", that alone might be reason to consider changing churches. If you're so busy you can't obey God if He calls you to do it, then it may be time to re-examine your life and what's really important.

 

[dayhiker]

I really like the idea of lay leadership. And there is no reason the young adults offerings couldn't go to give the person a part time salary. I don't think it needs to be a full time position. It wouldn't surprise me if there isn't someone who would like a 2nd part time job to make ends meet and to spend more time with Christians in a ministry.

 

[blackribbon]

Exit,

Some of the best organizations are run by people who have full-time jobs...Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Little league (and all other sports leagues) happen because people volunteer and most have full time jobs and families to boot. I've heard that often busy people make the best organizers because they don't have time to waste.

Assuming you work 8 hours days...put in an hour travel time each day....and sleep for 8 hours each night...that leaves 6-7 hours of time not at work each day. If you are having to come up with something to do each weekend anyway, why not do it for a larger group at least one weekend a month.

Besides, often there are group rates to museums, shows, and other events which would allow you to do things as a group that people might not be able to afford otherwise.

Or better yet, get together and have each person volunteer to organize one or two months during the year...and then assign those months. The information can be sent out via a private (or public) yahoo group so it is only one email to everyone and all answers to questions can be handled that way so that repeat questions are minimized.

As for the price of gas...yeah, yours isn't that much higher than the rest of the country. People will find the money for things that they want to do or need to do. I am about to drive across the country for the second time this year in an SUV. I'm guessing overall, I spend way more than you do on gas. Even if you subract the two trips, I probably spend more than you do just driving us around town to our various activities. If you schedule these events in advance and people have enough time to put the price of gas into their budgets, I think you will find that it is less of an issue for most people than you think. If it is a big deal, meet at the church and car pool to the events...splitting the cost of gas between occupants. This will also turn travel time into a social event.

 

[blackribbon]

Although this isn't a "Christian" event, it might be something fun to do as a group.

Summer in the City Singles Party

Saturday, June 16 8:00p
at Golden Gate Yacht Club, San Francisco, CA
Price: 20
Phone: (415) 507-9962
Age Suitability: 21 and up
Celebrate Summer in the City with new single friends at the Home of The America’s Cup!

Enjoy spectacular views of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay. $20 at the door includes dancing to your favorite hits, plus light appetizers. Dressy attire requested. Adults of all ages welcome. Saturday, June 16, 2012, 8pm-Midnight.
LOCATION: Golden Gate Yacht Club, 1 Yacht Rd, off Marina Blvd, San Francisco CA 94123.

 

[blackribbon]

Here is another event (turns out same weekend)...yes, it is a drive but it is an all day event and the cost is FREE. You could all meet after church and either carpool or caravan for a Sunday afternoon of concerts. Those with kids could bring them if they wanted since this is a family friendly event.

Luis Palua Festival Location: Cal Expo Grounds, Sacramento, CA

Saturday, June 16

1:30 pm: Amazing Wonders Experience Kids Show (main stage)

3:30-5:00 pm: Action Sports Demos (action sports area)

3:30-6:00 pm: Kids Activities Area (kids area)

• A Nascar Display in the kids area

5:00-10:00 pm: Artists (main stage)

• Marisol
• Lancaster
• Thousand Foot Krutch
• Phil Wickham
• Dave Lubben
• Luis Palau (approx 7:30 pm)
• TobyMac

Sunday, June 17

3:30-5:00 pm: Action Sports Demos (action sports area)
3:30-6:00 pm: Kids Activities Area (kids area)

• A Nascar Display in the kids area

5:00-10:00 pm: Artists (main stage)

• MLK Choir
• Lancaster
• Mandisa
• Lincoln Brewster
• Dave Lubben
• Luis Palau (approx 7:30pm)
• Skillet

FIREWORKS!

 

[blackribbon]

Oh...the Luis Palua event IS Christian.

 

[blackribbon]

Les Miserables (Broadway production) is in San Fransisco in July and Aug. Balcony seats are $51...not cheap but since you would be going as a group, people don't have to buy two tickets in order to get someone to go with you...and the quality of the show is worth the price. War Horse comes in Aug-Sept. https://www.shnsf.com/Online/default.asp

 

[blackribbon]

Or how about a day at the California Academy of Science? $30/ adult (discount for 10 or more if tickets are purchased in advance and group enters together)...aquarium, planetarium, rainforest, and natural history museum... Plan a Visit to California Academy of Sciences - Visit our San Francisco Museum and Planetarium

 

[blackribbon]

How to do this? Set up an egroup through yahoo or some other site. Get everyone interested to join. Someone finds a fun event that they are willing to coordinate a get-together and posts it on the egroup. People who are interested respond and arrangements to meet up (and pay if tickets must be purchased in advance). Simple enough. Don't expect huge groups...but it will offer social activities with people you know. Encourage people to invite their friends...this will grow the group. If you want to put limitations on the type of events, you can.

 

[exitstageright]

Wow, exit, I've never heard of a church that would deny its members the use of the building they meet in.

Well,it does sounds strange. What happened was,that we used to have a small group on Friday nights in a small part of one of the buildings.

But,as more singles found out about our group,our group grew. Therefore,it was no longer a small group. We were told that we needed to have a Pastor if we have a large group at the church.

The ironic thing is,one lady,at our church,is not a pastor. She heads a group for single parents,which is a big group. We received no answer or reason why she is allowed to have group meetings at the church,and we are not.

 

[blackribbon]

Well,it does sounds strange. What happened was,that we used to have a small group on Friday nights in a small part of one of the buildings.

But,as more singles found out about our group,our group grew. Therefore,it was no longer a small group. We were told that we needed to have a Pastor if we have a large group at the church.

The ironic thing is,one lady,at our church,is not a pastor. She heads a group for single parents,which is a big group. We received no answer or reason why she is allowed to have group meetings at the church,and we are not.

I'd follow up on this...because why would a church turn away a growing group? Growth usually means that God is at work and that there is need for such a group. Could you possibly get someone to volunteer to lead this group with the oversight of one of the existing pastors. Since someone else is doing the work, it wouldn't add that much responsiblity to the existing pastor.

 

[exitstageright]

How to do this? Set up an egroup through yahoo or some other site. Get everyone interested to join. Someone finds a fun event that they are willing to coordinate a get-together and posts it on the egroup. People who are interested respond and arrangements to meet up (and pay if tickets must be purchased in advance). Simple enough. Don't expect huge groups...but it will offer social activities with people you know. Encourage people to invite their friends...this will grow the group. If you want to put limitations on the type of events, you can.

I appreciate your advice,Blackribbion. You have put some effort into finding some things out for us. One guy in our group does have many e-mail addresses,including mine.
Yesterday,we did our annual trip,via BART,to San Francisco's Pier 39. One guy in our group is a BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) employee. We only had four people in our group.

Every Sunday,after the second service,we meet for lunch at a different local resturant. I organized a Giants-A's baseball game outing in June. The tickets were $38.00 a piece. One guy had to pay me in two installments.
We have a big church,with lots of singles. But many say that they cannot afford to do certain things. But thank you for all of your sugguestions.

This one married couple,who used to be in our singles group,is having a BBQ today for us singles and a couple of couples. I will print out your response,and I will take it from there.

I do not want to leave this church. Once I get a note from my doctor,which should be sometime this week,HR said that I can go back to the Day Shift ASAP. Then,I will be able to participate in my Drama Ministry at my church again. I am so looking foward to it,as I love music and Drama,which I have deen doing at my church since 1995.Christmas will be very special for me this year.The people in the choir,and in the Drama Ministry tell me that they miss me. It feels so good to be wanted and needed. I miss performing with them also.