Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
I don't understand how that is possible. I love my husband, I want to do things for him, honor him, etc. However, we are supposed to die to ourselves, and give to our spouses in a crossbearing way. I don't see how our basic standards(meaning the general consensus that I have seen) could possibly be too high.Oh in many ways I think our standards are too high. We confuse standards with expectations and that is a killer
I think those are really great things to think about, but sometimes, we try to put those onto our marriages too much. I've seen countless relationships go through really painful times while each spouse tried to be perfect, and I think that sometimes it just isn't what God actually wants for marriages. In a lot of ways though, it seems like a mix of far too high standards and far too low which really mess up marriages.I wonder what people here think about the idea that our standards are actually rather low for marriage? I have a few thoughts here about that:
1. How genuinely humbly do couples pray to God about their marriage--like with all openeness and honesty before God?
2. How much do we respect our spouses? From the little things (please and thank you) to genuinely listening to them and trying to understand them?
3. How truly honest are we with one another?
4. How brave are we? Do we have the courage to say what's true? Do we have the courage to hear things that may be uncomfortable? Do we have the courage to try when it seems emotionally dangerous to do it?
5. How supportive are we of one another? Do we really care when others around us are troubled? Do we care about that man who is overwhelmed, that woman who always brings her kids to church by herself? Do we care about that couple who are struggling to love one another?
Oh yeah, I totally get what you are saying. My point is simply though that sometimes things don't go the way we plan and sometimes we have to be careful how we are judging our spouses. I remember when Fireproof came out and everyone was going on and on about it, my husband and I watched the video and felt much more content in our marriage simply because neither of us recognized so many of those negative things in our relationship at all. My mom bought me the workbook and after reading through it, there really wasn't anything in there we didn't already do. One thing that really was funny though and what I find relevant to this discussion is that it wasn't always meant for both spouses (the book in the movie) and the main character was shocked to find that his father hadn't done the book the mother had and she'd made lots of improvements.I guess I don't see those as being acting perfect; quite the contrary. I might sum up all those with words like grace and humility. Obviously there will be misunderstandings, loss of temper, frustration, disagreements and so on. I believe that my list of standards are not so much about being a perfect spouse as recognizing that we cannot be and yet are capable of nevertheless acting with grace and humility. For example:
1. You may not be meeting the needs of your spouse--but if you are in genuine humble prayer to God I honestly believe that God will give us wisdom about everything that troubles us--after all Jesus promised that the Holy Spirit would do that.
2. We may disagree about things and not always understand one another, but if we try to be respectful it will make it easier for us to believe we can communicate with one another and overcome difficulties.
3. If we have honesty as a basis for our relationship then even deceptions can be revealed but will be anomalous rather than the norm.
4. If we have the courage of our faith we can express desires and concerns, and we can hear those of the other person without being defensive or accusatory all the time.
5. If we remember that we are called to minister to others and teach the Gospel to them then we will not just be Sunday christians with other couples but genuinely concerned and caring of others.
Thoughts?
1. You may not be meeting the needs of your spouse--but if you are in genuine humble prayer to God I honestly believe that God will give us wisdom about everything that troubles us--after all Jesus promised that the Holy Spirit would do that.
IMO this standard is NOT too low nor too high is it something that is RIGHT ON! Thank you McScribe fro reminding me of a very important standard and MARRIGE BUILDER!
2. We may disagree about things and not always understand one another, but if we try to be respectful it will make it easier for us to believe we can communicate with one another and overcome difficulties.
Being respectful and good communicating skills are always good standards that are achievable in marriages.
3. If we have honesty as a basis for our relationship then even deceptions can be revealed but will be anomalous rather than the norm.
Honesty coupled with wisdom is a very definite positive for any relationship.
4. If we have the courage of our faith we can express desires and concerns, and we can hear those of the other person without being defensive or accusatory all the time.
Number 4 above takes a humble heart with the right attitude and a good dose of 1st Corinthians 13 (Biblical LOVE)
5. If we remember that we are called to minister to others and teach the Gospel to them then we will not just be Sunday Christians with other couples but genuinely concerned and caring of others.
We are defiantly called to minister. There are so many ways to minister and a few that comes to my mind involves starting with yourself:
Sincerely pursue to be in obedience with God.
Pray for more of a desire for the welfare of others.
Pray for and take actions to have a stronger desire to please God.
Remember that your life at work, at home, in society, and anywhere else is your testimony and your ministry.
McScribe
Because I get caught up in the daily things in life I forget the standards that are so spirit fulfilling. You have reminded me of some. Thank you!
Stan
I wonder what people here think about the idea that our standards are actually rather low for marriage? I have a few thoughts here about that:
1. How genuinely humbly do couples pray to God about their marriage--like with all openeness and honesty before God?
2. How much do we respect our spouses? From the little things (please and thank you) to genuinely listening to them and trying to understand them?
3. How truly honest are we with one another?
4. How brave are we? Do we have the courage to say what's true? Do we have the courage to hear things that may be uncomfortable? Do we have the courage to try when it seems emotionally dangerous to do it?
5. How supportive are we of one another? Do we really care when others around us are troubled? Do we care about that man who is overwhelmed, that woman who always brings her kids to church by herself? Do we care about that couple who are struggling to love one another?
I'd like to invite someone to offer an example if possible that we can work with--an example of a misunderstanding or disagreement that we can subject to the standards I've proposed.
Let me clarify what I meant. My expectations should for the most past be about my ability to love my husband, not the other way around. Yes, there are some basic standards of faithfulness, and very basic courtesy, but other than that the expectations our on ourselves.
mkgal and I have been trying to say this in this thread and I don't know if it's being understood. It's not the particular individual that needs to recognize these standards but the couple, as an entity and as one flesh. When I say 'the particular individual' I don't mean at all that we should be pointing the finger. I realize that there is a concern about this, that it will lead to judgement, but I don't mean to create a sense of self righteousness at all. I think that Cons, Chaz and you and mkgal1 and I are all actually in agreement about this: that being judgemental is counterproductive.
So when I say 'the marriage needs to recognize these standards' what I mean is that the couple together have to strive to do so. And there is an individual component to that. You notice I keep mentioning humility and honesty before God. That means that we have the humility of Joshua, for example, who asks God "what do I need to do" rather than "Who do I blame."
I'd like to invite someone to offer an example if possible that we can work with--an example of a misunderstanding or disagreement that we can subject to the standards I've proposed.
I have to disagree.
IMO, part of the value of marriage is mutual accountability. This is someone who is not going to go away, someone to whom our failings and areas in need of repentance/growth are exposed more than anyone else.
Did Jesus walk out 1 Cor 13 LOVE? Did Jesus LOVE the pharisees when he blasted them in Matt 23? Did Jesus LOVE Peter when he rebuked him saying "Get thee behind me, Satan"? I say he did LOVE them. He loved them enough to speak the TRUTH with them. He loved them enough to be firm with them.
mkgal and I have been trying to say this in this thread and I don't know if it's being understood. It's not the particular individual that needs to recognize these standards but the couple, as an entity and as one flesh. When I say 'the particular individual' I don't mean at all that we should be pointing the finger. I realize that there is a concern about this, that it will lead to judgement, but I don't mean to create a sense of self righteousness at all. I think that Cons, Chaz and you and mkgal1 and I are all actually in agreement about this: that being judgemental is counterproductive.
So when I say 'the marriage needs to recognize these standards' what I mean is that the couple together have to strive to do so. And there is an individual component to that. You notice I keep mentioning humility and honesty before God. That means that we have the humility of Joshua, for example, who asks God "what do I need to do" rather than "Who do I blame."
I'd like to invite someone to offer an example if possible that we can work with--an example of a misunderstanding or disagreement that we can subject to the standards I've proposed.
Oh in many ways I think our standards are too high. We confuse standards with expectations and that is a killer
I have continually repeated this, and maybe McScribe can put it into better words for me.....but, my posts are related to bringing the marriage back up to meet those standards. What I have been trying to say is.....one spouse CANNOT usually do that alone. Marriage is RELATING....that means it takes TWO acting as one. When there are differing (or conflicting) goals....there is conflict. How is one person going to resolve that on their own? I am not talking about a checklist used for comparison....that is your baggage that you brought into this conversation. I am talking about things like there NOT being an environment that is open and honest. Where both spouses do not feel the ability to speak honestly, so conversation is shallow and superficial. How can that be remedied by just one spouse and God?Not exactly. Its nice to use the words "its about the marriage"...but then read her posts are all about ways to approach the OTHER PERSON....things like "its best not to blame because that causes defensiveness"
So long as folks are stuck comparing how their spouse is doing, they will ALWAYS be discontented. Thats not the same things as saying that we dont expect ANYTHING from our spouse...its saying that dwelling and worrying over the spouse, using our IMPERFECT feelings as a guide is recipe for disaster.
Read these boarsd and others for overwhelming proof of that.
I have continually repeated this, and maybe McScribe can put it into better words for me.....but, my posts are related to bringing the marriage back up to meet those standards. What I have been trying to say is.....one spouse CANNOT usually do that alone. Marriage is RELATING....that means it takes TWO acting as one. When there are differing (or conflicting) goals....there is conflict. How is one person going to resolve that on their own? I am not talking about a checklist used for comparison....that is your baggage that you brought into this conversation. I am talking about things like there NOT being an environment that is open and honest. Where both spouses do not feel the ability to speak honestly, so conversation is shallow and superficial. How can that be remedied by just one spouse and God?
CON
Are you saying that one spouse is never to confront the other with their failings?
Please dont pull the Jesus IS THE STANDARD.....YOU and I are NOT card out to counter accountability. I am talking about a spouse who sees the other spouse sinning and doing something very destructive to the marriage.
Psalm gave an example of one spouse into porn. I dont have to prove that porn is harmful to marriage do I? In this situation the spouse should go to the other spouse and with humility, respect, love, and strength confront the porn using spouse. I understand that there are situations where the spouse is constantly criticizing the other but THIS PORN USE SITUATION DOES NOT FALL INTO THAT CATEGORY.
Try to address this porn situation without using your disagreements in the past with Psalm and some of your own experiences that do not relate to Porn as a factor.
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?
We use cookies and similar technologies for the following purposes:
Do you accept cookies and these technologies?