Are my future inlaws being toxic?

[Faithfulandtrue]

I made the mistake of moving out of state with my fiance. He was living out for work and school and i was lonesome for him after a year of long distance. My future mother in law kept pressuring me to move in with him. And I thought I'd try living here despite knowing it was wrong to live together before we married and not being sure i wanted to live here. But i thought id give it a try and have the chance to let our relationship grow. I got a transfer and Turns out my boss and work environment out here is toxic and so is his. We both are barely making ends meet and simply getting a new job would mean i would take a huge paycut and not be able to pay my bills at all (due to state by state minimum wage). My family is welcoming for us to move back home but his are not. His parents are making me feel guilty if I leave but at the same time not offering him to come back. I just want to wait till we get married and things figured out. Before i moved in he couldn't even afford food and me leaving would put him in a bad spot. My folks offered to let him come live with us but his acct like nooooo we moved to there you have to stay! His mom and dad keep guilt tripping me for wanting to go home and it's too the point of me wanting to tell them off but i don't want to make things worse for my fiance. They also made me mad because they were like "just get married at the court house" . That really struck a nerve with me. I don't like someone else making my major life decisions for me

 

[linux.poet]

Yes. Really, these people had you move all the way to them so you could pay for your husband's food? That's messed up on so many levels I can't even begin to describe.

Reminds me of the time my abusive dad tried to starve me. These people are awful.

 

[bèlla]

Why are you upset by the suggestion of getting married at the courthouse when you permitted their influence elsewhere? The move was their idea and you agreed. Things haven’t gone as planned but you can turn them around by tying the knot and examining your circumstances with that in mind.

Your parents extended a hand by welcoming you home and offering a place to him as well. If you can get a job in your former town and encourage him to do the same that may help a lot. The experience isn’t without its lessons and you’ve seen the challenge of living in proximity to his parents in light of the pressure. That’s unlikely to change when you marry and have a family and I’d be mindful of the stress you‘re under.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Mistakes are a part of life. If you marry now you can reduce some expenses like insurance and tax liability. You’ll be able to save and be in a comfortable environment where you’re supported. Speak to him and see how feels and let him talk to your parents. It’s probable he’s being pressured by his own which exacerbates the problem. I hope things work out in your favor. God bless.

~bella

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

Yes. Really, these people had you move all the way to them so you could pay for your husband's food? That's messed up on so many levels I can't even begin to describe.

Reminds me of the time my abusive dad tried to starve me. These people are awful.

Thank you for understanding. His parents actually live out in the same state as my parents. They sent him out of state and then pressured me to move out there too. So we had nobody out there

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

Why are you upset by the suggestion of getting married at the courthouse when you permitted their influence elsewhere? The move was their idea and you agreed. Things haven’t gone as planned but you can turn them around by tying the knot and examining your circumstances with that in mind.

Your parents extended a hand by welcoming you home and offering a place to him as well. If you can get a job in your former town and encourage him to do the same that may help a lot. The experience isn’t without its lessons and you’ve seen the challenge of living in proximity to his parents in light of the pressure. That’s unlikely to change when you marry and have a family and I’d be mindful of the stress you‘re under.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Mistakes are a part of life. If you marry now you can reduce some expenses like insurance and tax liability. You’ll be able to save and be in a comfortable environment where you’re supported. Speak to him and see how feels and let him talk to your parents. It’s probable he’s being pressured by his own which exacerbates the problem. I hope things work out in your favor. God bless.

~bella

Thank you for you input. His parents don't live out there though. They live in the same state as my parents. They moved my fiance out of state and I thought it was temporary. They pressured me to move in with him after he had been out there for over a year. I had no idea he was struggling as bad as he was to i got there and then they said we'll this is your home now. I felt pawned.

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

Getting married right now would only make things worse in my opinion

 

[linux.poet]

Thank you for understanding. His parents actually live out in the same state as my parents. They sent him out of state and then pressured me to move out there too. So we had nobody out there

So they sent you to rescue him from their misdeeds in not providing basic needs for their son until he could provide for himself?

Getting married right now would only make things worse in my opinion

Yes, he needs to break loose from his parents’ influence and show that he has.

While he doesn’t deserve to be punished for his parents’ misdeeds, you don’t want to have to deal with his parents’ influence on your decisions and his lack of ability to provide for a family. This kind of man should not have even been dating. He may also have psychological scars from his parents’ cruel behavior that you may not be equipped to deal with.

I would give him some time, but as your sister in Christ I would say consider moving on as well as moving forward and pray about the decision. Do not rush into a marriage. Wait for his parents and him to show the truer colors and the scars to unwind to the surface.

 

[bèlla]

Thank you for you input. His parents don't live out there though. They live in the same state as my parents. They moved my fiance out of state and I thought it was temporary. They pressured me to move in with him after he had been out there for over a year. I had no idea he was struggling as bad as he was to i got there and then they said we'll this is your home now. I felt pawned.

The elephant in the room is in your comment and what you need to grapple with. You say they pressured you but they’re not your parents and whether one agrees with their behavior or not you chose to go and that’s what I was hinting at originally. When you’re dealing with people like this it‘s important to stand your ground in spite of their protestations. If that isn’t your cup of tea it’s best to build a future with a companion who’s loved ones are more supportive.

Most people never break away from toxic relations and the spouse is stuck in the middle warring with parents and siblings. You’ll become the scapegoat if he does and you must consider the whole of that reality. What affect would that have on your children? And don’t assume they’ll change because of them. You must consider what you can live with and what you’re willing to give up for the connection. The choice is yours.

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to survive in America and unity has never been more important. I would not build my house on a foundation full of chaos. It exacerbates struggles and stress unnecessarily. One of the qualities I hold in high esteem in a man beyond his character and faith is his beginning. I want to know the people who contributed to the person he’s become. No one bears the brunt of what went awry in his home more than his spouse.

It takes a lot of courage to confront our pain and demand better for ourselves. Just because you believe in Jesus doesn’t mean you’ll confront your demons. There’s many who never do and that’s important to realize. No one is perfect and we all have challenges. But this path isn’t for the faint of heart and you both have to stand your ground. I would not proceed without counseling. He needs to address the hurts that created this situation and start the healing process before you come together. It won’t be resolved immediately and the outcome is uncertain.

I wish you the best.

~bella