Appearance Deal-breakers

[faithopelove]

When I was younger I always felt as long as a man was taller than me and had a decent set of teeth (real or false) I would be open to his pursuing a relationship with me. I thought I had gotten pass it but,

I was recently "fixed up" with a gentleman who is the exact same height as I, so with heels...

Anyway, he was a great guy, but I was never able to get pass the height thing. ( And if you're wondering I'm 5'4")

So I'm bracing myself and asking for constructive feeback :o .

 

[Jenster]

I have no earth-shattering suggestions, faithopelove, other than maybe you should wear flats until you get to know him well. I think once you're hooked on his personality, you'd see past his height (so to speak... ).

 

[nb37]

Hi, yes I agree with Jenster, give him a chance. Get to know him some, he just might dazzle with how wonderful a guy he is. I wouldn't stop wearing heels though, unless it makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Bridgit]

You say he's a great guy, but short. Would you prefer a less than great tall guy? To me character is more important than physique. I'd say you should get to know him better.

 

[faithgoeson]

Maybe it would help to remember that God creates all of us exactly how He wants us to be. He personally chose how tall this man would be. Out of repect for the Lord's creation, maybe you should look more into the heart of the man? Just a thought.

 

[faithopelove]

I appreicate your responses. I'm also wondering if I should potentially waist his time while I'm trying to be attrached to or find "chemistry" with him. It's been over a month and it's just not there.

I'm sure he'll be a great husband for someone.

 

[Princess Pea]

I struggle with the same thing, FHL. I'm tall, and very self conscious about my height. When a guy comes along who's shorter than me I feel hulking and unfeminine. I know character is much more important than height, and I'm trying to get past it, but a lifetime of conditioning makes it hard to forget. (Golly, you're tall ... how tall are you, anyway? Do you play basketball? Since you're tall, would you reach the pitcher on that shelf for me? Those pants fit great except for the length - too bad they didn't have them in tall. Hey, there's this guy you ought to meet. You have so much in common - you're both tall!)

No solutions, unfortunately - just saying you're not the only one who feels this way. I'll be watching this thread for additional constructive feedback.

 

[mwb]

I saw an article from one of those advice columnists. The person said she met a guy who was wonderful but there were no sparks. She asked how long should she wait.

The columnist said that realtionships that start with a lot of sparks usually fizzle out. The strongest relationships take time to develop but if it's been a few months she should probably move in.

So in your case, you should give it some more time but if there's nothing there after awhile, you should move on. Sure it would be great to look past his height but there are plenty of guys who will be as tall or taller than you. Don't talk yourself into feelings that aren't there.

 

[ScottF]

Women taller than me don't intimidate me. In fact, I have no appearance deal-breakers to speak of. I'm past all that.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Just continue to pray about it and if after awhile, the 'spark' still isn't there...then maybe it's time to move on. My mum went through the same thing with someone last year....he was an awesome guy but she for some reason just couldn't get attracted to him. She moved on and is now seeing a guy she's pretty happy with.

As for the height thing...I'm only 4'11" so if I met a guy shorter than ME, I'd feel a little weird too. I can't say it's a deal breaker though....my deal breakers are excessive drinking, smoking and bad hygeine (that eliminates most men in my hometown! eek!). lol

 

[jane1]

Hi everyone ! I don't get to post much due to work schedule and dial-up slooowness but...

This thread sounded interesting.
My opinion is if you like the guy's character but have not grown affectionate toward him after a reasonable time (?), then move on.
He could be missing out on meeting a gal that really has it for him . This is not only for the sake of fairness, and honesty but also you could end up resenting him if you try to stick it out too long.

And you know, I really do not think that a certain level of concern about chemistry/attraction is shallow or a trait that we need to "get passed".
It seems to be a natural God given trait. Persoanlly I avoid the "deadly handsome" type guys, and the super athlete just as I avoid the unhealthy, unhygenic etc -- .
It isn't just looks, it is the fragrance of a person, the way they walk, the way they hold / present themselves, the sound of their voice...

I personally would not want to be dating/married to a man who was only "enduring" my appearance just because he loved my heart,mind,soul.
Imagine I wouldn't get to enjoy much physical intimacy or affection -- and that would be very hurtful and damaging!!


p.s. You can tell him that a romance
doesn't seem to be developing...

Take Care,
jane

 

[Jenster]

I agree with everyone here about the chemistry thing. I used to be a one-shot kind of person -- if there aren't sparks from the get-go, that's it. Now I'm more willing to give a person a chance. It doesn't always work out (since I'm not seeing anyone, clearly it hasn't worked out lately! ) but at least I've tried.

I gave it a shot with one guy from my church last year, but after about three or four dates, I just didn't feel attracted to him. Honestly, I felt a little annoyed instead. Not good.

Especially for older singles, I think it's important to give a person a chance because otherwise we may end up wondering "what if?" I mean, there are still people at my church who ask me "Have you ever considered Bob?" And Bob's the one I DID date, so at least I'm assured I did my due diligence.

 

[Princess Pea]

I agree with everyone here about the chemistry thing. I used to be a one-shot kind of person -- if there aren't sparks from the get-go, that's it. Now I'm more willing to give a person a chance. It doesn't always work out (since I'm not seeing anyone, clearly it hasn't worked out lately! ) but at least I've tried.

I gave it a shot with one guy from my church last year, but after about three or four dates, I just didn't feel attracted to him. Honestly, I felt a little annoyed instead. Not good.

Especially for older singles, I think it's important to give a person a chance because otherwise we may end up wondering "what if?" I mean, there are still people at my church who ask me "Have you ever considered Bob?" And Bob's the one I DID date, so at least I'm assured I did my due diligence.

I agree - I don't insist on instant sparks either. However, my problem is knowing how long to give it before admitting there's nothing there. With my ex-bf, we dated for several months and the "click" never really happened. That is, I was attracted to him; he wasn't really attracted to me - at least, not enough - but hung in there hoping it would come. He finally decided it wasn't ever going to come, and we broke up, and I was pretty unhappy. I wished he'd given up earlier in the game, before I'd gotten so attached to him - but then I suppose I'd be wondering what would have happened if he'd given it just one more chance ...

Anyway, I think I'm hijacking this thread ... ... so I'll start a new one. Carry on.

 

[faithopelove]

You all have given me a lot think about. I prayed this thread wouldn't go in the wrong direction and I thank God you all were very helpful .

I think if I focus less on not letting a good one get away, and more on trusting God and His perfect timing I'll be okay.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

i think after a few dates (3-6) or after a month or so, you know whether or not this is a person that you are interested in pursuing things further with. from your posts, i take it that that is the issue and not so much his height.

anyway it sounds like you're doing the right things in terms of discernment so i can't add much to what's already been said.

 

[Jenster]

It pays to be discerning. I hope no one receives the advice that we should just marry any old person. The choice of a spouse is one of the most important in life, so a person needs to consider the person fully.

I like what you say though about "not letting the good one get away." Perhaps I could learn from that. I tend to think not of whether this is the GOOD one, but whether this is the BAD one. Does that make sense? Maybe a little more optimism and vision would help me to give men more of a chance.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

My kind of bf (I need a term for this relationship) is the same height as me and I wish he was taller, but it's not an issue now that I know how well he kisses lol. And I struggled with the spark think because I went out with him once, met my true love the next day, then got dumped by my true love. I finally decided to go out with T again, and on our third date started feeling tingly. I don't know how long I would've continuted dating him though.

 

[Jenster]

Yeah, not to get OT (sorry if I am) but I'm a little disappointed by the idea that love might not come with sparks. I'm not talking physical chemistry (that will fade) but *some* sort of "intense like" that never goes away. I hope I will not be disappointed, but at the same time, I hope my expectations are not too high.

As for appearance, I was on another Web site and the men there said that women are shallower than guys when it comes to rejecting someone over their appearance. I don't know if that is true, but it was helpful to hear because I took it as as warning that I need to give guys a chance.

 

[Heart of a Seeker]

Hi everyone ! I don't get to post much due to work schedule and dial-up slooowness but...

This thread sounded interesting.
My opinion is if you like the guy's character but have not grown affectionate toward him after a reasonable time (?), then move on.
He could be missing out on meeting a gal that really has it for him . This is not only for the sake of fairness, and honesty but also you could end up resenting him if you try to stick it out too long.

And you know, I really do not think that a certain level of concern about chemistry/attraction is shallow or a trait that we need to "get passed".
It seems to be a natural God given trait. Persoanlly I avoid the "deadly handsome" type guys, and the super athlete just as I avoid the unhealthy, unhygenic etc -- .
It isn't just looks, it is the fragrance of a person, the way they walk, the way they hold / present themselves, the sound of their voice...

I personally would not want to be dating/married to a man who was only "enduring" my appearance just because he loved my heart,mind,soul.
Imagine I wouldn't get to enjoy much physical intimacy or affection -- and that would be very hurtful and damaging!!


p.s. You can tell him that a romance
doesn't seem to be developing...

Take Care,
jane

I like what Jane wrote here. I'm not a woman who is interested in how handsome a guy is - it's his heart, his communication, his sense of humor that attracts me. But I agree with the hygiene thing...

If the stuff you're looking for isn't there, hon, move on. Don't just settle. Ask me. I did for a long time and I was miserable.

 

[covenantwmn]

I must admit, they have to be at least a little taller than me, i'm 5'4". After that, i'm open, given they are a Godly man.