Just like the title says. I'm 35 and my wife is 34. We have been married for 15 years. She has become apathetic in every aspect of life and our marriage except for her job. She gets herself to work, does a great job there and then comes home and that's it. And when I say that's it I mean that's it. We know that she doesn't suffer from depression. She has always been self centered and selfish but it has gotten sooooo much worse. I try and do everything for her and to meet her every need because I love to see her happy and I get nothing in return. She ignores my needs and doesn't even try anymore. I have no idea where this behavior has come from or how to solve it. The really sad part is the apathy seems to disappear (if only for a fleeting instant) when there's something she wants to do that only benefits her. I'm sure readers have already guessed it and you're right, we have only been intimate twice in the past four months. I'm very self aware and can understand the first thing that may pop into the reader's mind is depression and or an affair but I assure you, that is not the case.
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Apathetic wife
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Darkhorse
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Why are you so sure it's not depression? Have you had her evaluated by a good professional?
Not all depressed people are "sad"; apathy is a big component of clinical depression.
Not all depressed people are "sad"; apathy is a big component of clinical depression.
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Autumnleaf, yes I sometimes work as much as 10 to 12 hours more per week than her. Darkhorse, it may very well be clinical depression without the sadness....We are in the middle of bankruptcy (30 days from being discharged) which we had to file because of her uncontrolled spending and credit card use. I know she feels really guilty over it so this maybe the cause. Maybe things will change once it's all over.
Just a note to add to the original post: she is also the kind of person who shoves things deep down inside and doesn't talk about things, doesn't open up etc. She makes everything OK in her world by ignoring any problems and saying everything is fine. When I try to talk to her about these marriage issues she shuts down and doesn't say anything.
Just a note to add to the original post: she is also the kind of person who shoves things deep down inside and doesn't talk about things, doesn't open up etc. She makes everything OK in her world by ignoring any problems and saying everything is fine. When I try to talk to her about these marriage issues she shuts down and doesn't say anything.
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Hetta
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I don't see any compassion or concern for her outside of how her problems affect you and I'm not surprised she stuffs everything - she has probably figured out that if she tries to talk to you, you'll make it about how hard it is that you don't get enough sex.
I agree that she needs a good medical assessment. All I hear is "we" know she doesn't have depression. How do "we" know that? Who is we?
Did you pick the pieces up after your business failed a couple of years ago? It seems that you were near destitute at that time. A situation like that can lead a person to develop a very deep depression.
I agree that she needs a good medical assessment. All I hear is "we" know she doesn't have depression. How do "we" know that? Who is we?
Did you pick the pieces up after your business failed a couple of years ago? It seems that you were near destitute at that time. A situation like that can lead a person to develop a very deep depression.
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akmom
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Bankruptcy is a pretty big deal. Maybe she just wants to do her job, shut off, and get through it. I bet she is feeling pretty defeated. Maybe it'd behoove you to pursue this again in a few months?
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What happens when you try to talk to her about topics that don't shut her down? Have you spent much time trying to talk to her about topics that shut her down? If you have a pattern with her of bringing stuff up that shuts her down then her seeing you may trigger her to shut down like when Pavlov's dogs heard the bell and started salivating before the food was around.
Not that she is a dog but lots of shrinks say this principle applies to people too. They call it operant conditioning.
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Dog trainers use it too. Should spouses?
I know a female who trains dogs for a living. She said the same tactics work for training her boyfriend.
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when you say you do everything for her are these things she needs or things you think she needs.....
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You do know where the behavior comes from... You said it earlier in the post... She's always been self-centered. This is how she is.
If this is a quality you were willing to overlook before, getting her to change it now will be an uphill battle.
And honestly... A bankruptcy... That's kind of a big deal which may go a long way to explain her focus on work.
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Sounds like you have a lot on your plate - and that doesn't just include your relationship.
Many times people view things differently than what could really be there. We are human afterall!
If people get the message from speech and action that:
'they do everything for their spouse, and get nothing in return'.
'We have a bankruptcy that is all her fault'
Etc.
Sadly, people will shut down. You have some big ticket items on your plate, and it could be she feels you are not doing everything you can. She may feel the the heavy load, and almost feels like she is going at life alone.
This is not unusual for men or women. When your life is in pickle, and your getting messages that is mostly on you? They tend to distance themselves for emotional safety.
Many times people view things differently than what could really be there. We are human afterall!
If people get the message from speech and action that:
'they do everything for their spouse, and get nothing in return'.
'We have a bankruptcy that is all her fault'
Etc.
Sadly, people will shut down. You have some big ticket items on your plate, and it could be she feels you are not doing everything you can. She may feel the the heavy load, and almost feels like she is going at life alone.
This is not unusual for men or women. When your life is in pickle, and your getting messages that is mostly on you? They tend to distance themselves for emotional safety.
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You've given us a little information, so what we can do is take a stab at what might be wrong. Other posters have done that. I'll throw out a few possibilities to.
Do you think she might be bitter or upset with you about something in the past? Maybe she expected something of you as a husband, and it didn't work out. Did she expect you to be CEO of your company by now? Did you have a life goal together and you haven't met it yet? There could be some issue that's been allowed to fester and it's turned into a respect issue. Again, just another stab in the dark.
If you are too much of a 'nice guy' that may be counter-productive, too. Husbands are to love their wives. But some men avoid confrontation with their wives over important issues and treat them 'nicely' instead of providing leadership, accountability, etc. It's an easy trap to fall into without realizing it, because you want to be nice to your wife. But nice and loving aren't exactly the same thing every time. For example, if you have sex so rarely, you can be displeased about that and show it. If she ignores you in other areas in your life, you can communicate that to her, and make it unpleasant for her to be that way. You don't have to be a pushover about it.
Again, just a stab in the dark. You'll need to really talk with her and somehow figure out what the root of the problem is. Have you confronted her about being so apathetic and not behaving toward you, physically and emotionally, as a wife should? Before getting into your grievances against her, how about asking her in what areas you fall short as a husband. You know that guy who said I am my own worst critic? Well, he probably wasn't married. Your wife will likely think of some areas you can improve. And if you ask her point blank why she seems apathetic toward you and talk about it for a while, she may just tell you.
Whatever the problem is, another important piece of advice is to regularly pray together. You can also study the Bible together. You can even pray with her about the apathy issue. Humble yourselves before the Lord and ask for help. Marriage problems are a small thing for the Lord to handle. If you both come to Him humbly in prayer asking for help.
Do you think she might be bitter or upset with you about something in the past? Maybe she expected something of you as a husband, and it didn't work out. Did she expect you to be CEO of your company by now? Did you have a life goal together and you haven't met it yet? There could be some issue that's been allowed to fester and it's turned into a respect issue. Again, just another stab in the dark.
If you are too much of a 'nice guy' that may be counter-productive, too. Husbands are to love their wives. But some men avoid confrontation with their wives over important issues and treat them 'nicely' instead of providing leadership, accountability, etc. It's an easy trap to fall into without realizing it, because you want to be nice to your wife. But nice and loving aren't exactly the same thing every time. For example, if you have sex so rarely, you can be displeased about that and show it. If she ignores you in other areas in your life, you can communicate that to her, and make it unpleasant for her to be that way. You don't have to be a pushover about it.
Again, just a stab in the dark. You'll need to really talk with her and somehow figure out what the root of the problem is. Have you confronted her about being so apathetic and not behaving toward you, physically and emotionally, as a wife should? Before getting into your grievances against her, how about asking her in what areas you fall short as a husband. You know that guy who said I am my own worst critic? Well, he probably wasn't married. Your wife will likely think of some areas you can improve. And if you ask her point blank why she seems apathetic toward you and talk about it for a while, she may just tell you.
Whatever the problem is, another important piece of advice is to regularly pray together. You can also study the Bible together. You can even pray with her about the apathy issue. Humble yourselves before the Lord and ask for help. Marriage problems are a small thing for the Lord to handle. If you both come to Him humbly in prayer asking for help.
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akmom
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LinkH has a good point. And I might add, that if you do ask her point-blank, resist the urge to argue or justify yourself. Even if she is wrong. Prepare a response and exit strategy beforehand, so you are not tempted to rebut. It really means a lot if a person listens to your criticisms and says "Okay." Doesn't argue, doesn't make a bunch of instant promises to quit this or that, doesn't try to solve everything on the spot with words. Someone who just acknowledges her concerns like they are worth thinking about will probably win some respect.
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