anyone want to evaluate a query letter?

[the_cloaked_crusader]

this is the query I am going to send out to some agents soon. could someone who knows something about hte business give me any pointers/helpful criticism?

[my address, phone #, email here]

Dear :

Sir Trebor knows nothing about his past or his ancestry. But that is not

surprising: There are very few who do know aught about his history. Yet for Trebor to

meet his destiny, he must first become aware of his heritage.

My story, entitled The Silences, tells the tale of Sir Trebor: a knight with a speech

impediment which leads many to believe that he is half-witted. Those who know him

well, however, quickly become aware of a high level of intelligence, and a certain air of

nobility which makes even lords fear him in their hearts. Closely woven into his story is

Amnia, herself the daughter of a lord, whose life-long wish has been to find a husband

who truly loves her, not for her beauty, but for her heart.

This story is actually broken into two novels of about 80,000 words each. Both

are complete at this writing, although, of course, I will continue to edit them. At your

request I will send you either the first of the two manuscripts, or both at once, depending

on your expressed pleasure. A synopsis and a chapter-by-chapter outline of each story

are also available.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my story. Please respond at your

convenience. An SASE is enclosed.

Best of Regards,

[my name here]


thanks, all.

best of regards
the_cloaked_crusader

 

[katelyn]

This looks like a pretty good query letter to me. I'm in the same boat as you, so I only have research to go off of, no industry experience. So take my advice with a grain of salt if you want.

The main thing I think could be added to your letter is a clear statement of the genre you are writing for, as I think that info is pretty important to the agent.

Also, is it Christian? If so, you should probably at least briefly discuss how that will be incorporated into your piece. (I'm not saying it has to be Christian...just that if it is, your agent will want to know about that to have an idea of how your piece might fit into the marketplace.)

You also might want to explain a little more about the fact that it's a series. Is The Silences the title of the series, or just the first book? Can one or the other book stand on its own, or is the second book an extension of the story that readers won't understand if they haven't read the first book?

Personally, think about rewording the line about the length of your manuscripts. The way you wrote it is a little self-deprecating, and while humility is a good thing in this field , confidence (though not over-confidence, of course) can make a huge difference in that good first impression. Maybe something like, "This story is a two book series. Drafts of each manuscript are currently completed at approximately 80,000 words each."

Good luck as you look for an agent.

 

[the_cloaked_crusader]

hello!
ooh,that's right! I forgot the genre!
/me kicks self in head
thank you!
I didn't say anything about whether it's Christian b/c it's kinda confusing. that is the story definately has a Judeo-Christian worldview, but the book is set in a "pre-Christian" era in the world in which it takes place, so there's no "Christ". I figured that was something the agent could figure out later. (it's a lot easier to understand in the story than it is when I explain it)
OK, I'll try to be more clear on the fact that the Silences is the name of the series, not jus the book.
OK, I was having trouble with the length. I don't know if an agent will really be into a story of 80,000 words from a first-time author. I will take your advice, however. thany you very much.

best of regards
the_cloaked_crusader

 

[katelyn]

Personally, think about rewording the line about the length of your manuscripts.

Um...that was supposed to say "I would think," not "think," like a command. Sheesh...I was trying to make clear that it was just my personal opinion, and it ends up sounding like the total opposite.

Where's my editor when I need him? (If only I had one... )

 

[katelyn]

I didn't say anything about whether it's Christian b/c it's kinda confusing. that is the story definately has a Judeo-Christian worldview, but the book is set in a "pre-Christian" era in the world in which it takes place, so there's no "Christ". I figured that was something the agent could figure out later. (it's a lot easier to understand in the story than it is when I explain it)

Sounds cool. Depending on what type of agents you are targeting, you might want to slip in a sentence that simply says that the story has a Judeo-Christian worldview. I just say this in case you are contacting agents that primarily represent Christian authors, in which case that might be a deciding factor in whether or not they decide to contact you for more info.

However, if you are targeting general agents, you can probably leave out that info.

OK, I'll try to be more clear on the fact that the Silences is the name of the series, not jus the book.

I asked about that mostly out of curiosity. Do you have titles for the two books?

OK, I was having trouble with the length. I don't know if an agent will really be into a story of 80,000 words from a first-time author.

80,000 words sounds perfect from what I know, actually. Based on my research, many publishers don't want to consider a manuscript under 70-75,000 words. 80,000 meets that target without being too long-winded.