Anyone else have feelings going back and forth about your spouse?

[5kidsdad]

I assume this is normal, but I am constantly battling these feelings that I have. My wife kicked me out, and I found that she is having an affair, as some of you know from my previous posts. She started it before I left. I found absolute, positive proof in her own handwritting this week that this was the case, and that it was a physical affair. (Not that I didn't know already, it just confirmed it.) I have, for the past few weeks, been battling the emotions of being mad, being sad, and feeling that we should try to work things out. Most of the time, I want to just walk away. There are those times when I miss her, or maybe just the company, I don't know. I know one thing, I miss the fool out of my kids. How did any of you cope with these feelings, or did you not battle this? Most everyone around me would like to see us work this out. There would have to be a lot of work on her part, and the house would have to be sold, she would need a lot of tests, and the bed would have to be burned. Just thought I would ask.

Thanks, and God belss!

5kidsdad

 

[kanga22]

I assume this is normal, but I am constantly battling these feelings that I have. My wife kicked me out, and I found that she is having an affair, as some of you know from my previous posts. She started it before I left. I found absolute, positive proof in her own handwritting this week that this was the case, and that it was a physical affair. (Not that I didn't know already, it just confirmed it.) I have, for the past few weeks, been battling the emotions of being mad, being sad, and feeling that we should try to work things out. Most of the time, I want to just walk away. There are those times when I miss her, or maybe just the company, I don't know. I know one thing, I miss the fool out of my kids. How did any of you cope with these feelings, or did you not battle this? Most everyone around me would like to see us work this out. There would have to be a lot of work on her part, and the house would have to be sold, she would need a lot of tests, and the bed would have to be burned. Just thought I would ask.

Thanks, and God belss!

5kidsdad

You are not alone. I'm sure that what you are feeling is normal and probably common. I know I've felt the same way for the last two years, going back and forth about whether there is any hope for my marriage.

I'm sure there is wisdom to pass along on this, but right now I'm too overwhelmed with my own circumstances to be of much help to anyone. Sorry.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

 

[5kidsdad]

Thanks for your honesty. It is good to know that I'm not alone. I am battling the feelings that God wouldn't let me down this road for no apparent reason. I don't know, it is just too confusing right now, I agree. Thank God for good church services that help comfort you on Sunday, and His presence that helps you the rest of the week! I am confronting her this week about the whole situation. It is time to get the whole thing moving to closure. Her "friend" and his wife are having marital problems...I wonder why. Sorry, carnality stepped in for a moment. I guess I never realized how much I was hurting until today in church. My family was praying with me, and I broke down to tears, asking God to heal the hurt that I felt, and was praying for her to see what she was doing, and try to make amends. She was praying on the other side of the church, so you see why it can be difficult for me at times. Anyway, thanks for the honesty. I will say a prayer for you and your situation.

May God bless and keep you in His care.

5kidsdad

 

[ido]

Everything you're feeling is normal and I'm sorry you're having to experience it. The real question is - what does your wife want? I learned the hard way - 3 pastors, 2 marriage counselors, and a psychologist later - that nothing was going to fix my marriage since my ex was content with it being broken and just living that way. I had to make the extremely difficult decision to walk away and when I did, it was a complete break. His cries for counseling were just a ploy to get me back where he wanted me and could control my emotions. It took me some time - about a year and a half - to heal completely, but I have healed and am moving on with my life. I would highly recommend you look into a divorcecare group - or some other divorce recovery group - in your area. I did not attend one b/c of time constraints with two small kids under foot, but I found their daily e-devotional to be extremely helpful in the healing process.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Yes its normal. You are not alone.

 

[iambren]

After living 15 years with an asexual, verbally demeaning wife I am now divorced for one month. I have allowed myself to fall for her games of being warm and hints of sexuality that she presents then pulls away leaving me hurt with dissapointment. Very sick, and I doubt her claims to being a Christian.

I think in time I will become healthier. Then I'll be more resistant to her wiles. I think there can be some underlying anxiety that says "No one will love me again, I'll never find love again, they are the only "right" one for me, I could never want someone else". We have to fall back on faith; that God has called us to marriage and if the path to remarriage is open to another He will faithfully lead us on it. He will supply our needs. Could He do it by healing our spouses? Yes. But we can only move forward with what is obvious before us, live as this won't happen, leave it up to Him.

 

[leadinglady311]

You are so normal, and so not alone. I am soooo glad that I have found this site because normally you feel embarrased about even admitting such things in public but under God's direction, we can all pray for eachother.

I too have such feelings of wanting my husband back because I vowed forever through every thing but I have to understand that everyone doesn't want the same thing. My husband and I seperated because of his multiple infidelities and I still wanted him back and for our marriage to work to just be served with divorce papers tonight at my home with my children present by an official server. Mind you I did nothing wrong besides finally putting my foot down.

I know that God is all knowing, all seeing and he knows what is in my future but it still hurts. Yes it hurts to love someone obviously more than they love you. That is the bottom line. I am learning to Love ME more than anyone else and not feel like my self worth is aligned with my marital status. Keep your head up and know that vengence is mine saith the Lord and everything that goes around comes around.

I am similiar with your case because we still go to the same church as well. I have to keep my head up because of my kids. I'll pray for you and you do the same for me please.

 

[Million Pieces]

I'm fighting with feelings so similar to this. I know he has no affection for me, but I'm not sure if what I feel is real love, or just habit? I miss having him in our room, I miss being able to just come up to him and drape my arms over his shoulder. I miss those tender moments that we had, even up to a couple of weeks before this all went down.

I just want a marriage. I want to know I'm loved. I had both of those once, a very long time ago. How long does it take? How long until I am content enough with myself to be happy alone?

 

[5kidsdad]

I am obviously no expert here. I still feel bad for my soon to be ex, but she has decided to throw her life away, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think the turn for me was filing. Actually putting the legal process in motion, and feeling that there was an end in sight. I still care about her, but in the "get your crap together and be a good mom to my kids" way. It is hard to say how I will feel tomorrow, but for now, I am glad to see the end in sight. I have been gone from the house for a few months, so not being around her has helped diminish the feeelings, I guess. Also, the way that she talks down to me, and treats me like I am the "donor" to her children doesn't help, either. She is really being a crab lately. I think that a combination of hewr feelings for this other man, plus the guilt of what she has done, and the way I have told her I'm done is starting to take hold. Some of my friends have told me that, in dealing with her, you have to become "Numb," and act very business-like with her. It is hard, because of all that we used to be to each other, but I am resigned to that now. I guess each circumstance is different, and only each of us can really answer this question to our own satisfaction. Keep praying, and believing that God will help us all through the mess that is our lives right now, and give us the answers that we need.

God bless,

5kidsdad

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Ditto on the normal. The other day, my ex sounded bad, and I asked how she was doing, and she started pouring out her heart about having difficulties with God right now. I hate that - I have to guard my heart to keep from getting reattached, especially because she's still dating the guy she left me for, but I hate to not be compassionate.

Be strong, 5kidsdad.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Some of my friends have told me that, in dealing with her, you have to become "Numb," and act very business-like with her. It is hard, because of all that we used to be to each other, but I am resigned to that now.

A good friend and mentor told me "This is no longer an emotional transaction, this is a business transaction. Treat it that way."

 

[RobinRedbreast]

It's very normal to have those back-and-forth feelings. I never had the opportunity to feel such a thing myself (the day I left my first marriage was the day I felt more relief and security and safety and peace than I had ever felt in my entire life), but obviously when a relationship breaks apart, especially a marriage, there is a void left behind, an empty space. Whether a marriage was good or bad, it's very normal to be mourning the fact that the void exists and you are now on your own; but with dilligence to God you will come out on the otherside

 

[Autumnleaf]

A good friend and mentor told me "This is no longer an emotional transaction, this is a business transaction. Treat it that way."

This is true. The men I know who treat divorce like a business transaction come out of it much better emotionally and financially than the ones who let their emotions play the on again/off again lovin feelings with them. Very very few men I know have treated their divorces like business, one guy out of a half dozen. I regret to say that that one guy who made out okay was a complete jerk. The others have been regular guys who played the love/hate emotional roller coaster and have gotten reamed by the system. Its hard to be objective about your divorce but for the sake of your children I urge you to write off your ex and be all business.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Sigh. I read the law, got advice and everything, then because I followed some stupid Christian book's advice on how to win back your wife, and because I thought the law here was unfair, I made an offer that was decent and fair and better than what a judge here can even award (I think.) Now she and her lawyer have tried to use it as the start of negotiations. So I didn't do the business thing either at the beginning.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Sigh. I read the law, got advice and everything, then because I followed some stupid Christian book's advice on how to win back your wife, and because I thought the law here was unfair, I made an offer that was decent and fair and better than what a judge here can even award (I think.) Now she and her lawyer have tried to use it as the start of negotiations. So I didn't do the business thing either at the beginning.

My father tried to be nice and he got messed over. You are not alone. Its sad that ruthless men do better when it comes to divorce these days. Especially because many times the wives are at fault. I don't know how to fix this. God be with you and yours as well as those who find themselves in your position.

 

[catlover]

My father tried to be nice and he got messed over. You are not alone. Its sad that ruthless men do better when it comes to divorce these days. Especially because many times the wives are at fault. I don't know how to fix this. God be with you and yours as well as those who find themselves in your position.

...and just how is it the wives fault? Are you a misogynist or something?

 

[Autumnleaf]

...and just how is it the wives fault? Are you a misogynist or something?

How is anyone ever at fault? If you reread what I posted you'll find I did not say wives are always at fault. Are you a man hater or something?

 

[catlover]

How is anyone ever at fault? If you reread what I posted you'll find I did not say wives are always at fault. Are you a man hater or something?

To a point...some men are okay but they are taken or gay..the ones who are not taken maybe good for one thing and not even that at times.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Wow, just wow

 

[catlover]

Wow, just wow

Oh well...certainly has been the experience of many, many women. Perhaps you are one of the lucky ones...well good for you.