Anybody abused by a parent, and now a parent?

[Entertaining_Angels]

Did anybody here suffer abuse as a child at the hands of a parent. If so, how has this affected your parenting? Was that parent a Christian?

My mother was somewhat abusive although she loved me and still does but she did leave quite a few bruises on my body. She was also emotionally controlling and abusive that way every now and again. As a result, I hate confrontation. I also cannot spank my children. I don't get angry like she did but she was a lot younger when she had children and she was pretty immature. Sometimes I'll snap at my son if he's driving me nuts and I cringe but fortunately that is not too often. She was and still is a Christian although she is really into the 'health and wealth' gospel.

Anybody else?

 

[~PICKLE~]

My real dad is a violate alcohlic and he beat me mom for 15 years. ANd she would in return take it out on my two sisters. My dad also hit on my brother. WHen I was born my dad left and got with my step mom (what a fine how de do) Anyways when she would kick him out, he would come to where me and my mom were and ask to stay. By then my two sister were both married and out of the house. She always said yes. I saw the worst things in my life, I blocked alot out, but sometimes the memories flood me and I get over loaded. When I was 3 or 4 I remember my dad was really drunk and he tipped the kitchen table over and broke a beer bottle and held to it to my mothers neck. HE didn't use it, but he did beat her and I vividly remember my brother taking my and us hiding under the baby bed and blood was dripping down on the floor. Enough to scare the **** out of you when you remember it 20 years later for no reason. My dad also tried to kiddnape me when I was young and my mom wouldn't let go of the car door handle, he drug her for about a mile. Doctor had to re constuct her foot. By telling you this, it helps me deal with the fact my dad was a jerk and by seeing what i saw when I was young, I create the best life I can for my kids. I could never imagine treating my kids badly or letting them see the horrors I did as a child. My kids are very special to me and I love them very much.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

Pickle, I am so sorry

I find that I don't think of this much but when I do it can be a bit overwhelming. My mother was a good mother in other ways but she lashed out alot and would hit my brother and I with anything within reach. I often had bruises on my legs, arms and hands. Her temper scared me. She wasn't really like this with the younger two, just my brother and I.

Fortunately, my kids will never have to know that hurt or fear.

 

[~PICKLE~]

My mother never did hurt me the way she did my sisters, my brother for some unknown reason moved in with my dad and for the longest time it was just me and my mom. So we bonded and we went through every possible thing that can happen. We literally ate egg sandwiches almost every meal. Eggs were cheap and so was bread. We were worse than dirt poor, so we did what we had too. That is until my steo dad came along and now I'm so spoiled rooten it's unreal. So is my mom. She buys just to buy I think. All those years of being beaten and not having anything drug her down and my step dad lifted her back up and she 's a shoppin machine. LOL But that's a different story. Us 4 kids have made a vow, that we will not treat our children the way we were treated, and we have kept to it too. Abuse can run in families, but the cycle can be broken.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

We've broken the cycle here as well.

I worry about my sister though. I think she's a bit too rough with her kids. My husband thinks so too but I've never heard anybody else say anything about it so I don't know. I don't think she beats them but I wonder if she does lash out at them the way my mother did. She is not always very responsible. And, so I pray...

And, better a shopping machine than an abuser or abusee=)

 

[~PICKLE~]

true, very true

 

[IslandBreeze]

I haven't wanted to admit it for a long time, but abuse I experienced as a child has seriously deterred me from ever wanting my own children. The desire has just never been there. Ever. I have a feeling it's a direct result of my own childhood, which I never wanted to admit until recently. My dad 'got rough' with me throughout my childhood (to put it nicely), and I have a temper of my own which gets explosive at times. I've prayed and I seek God about it constantly, but I really have a hard time keeping it in control. It's gotten better over the years, but not anywhere near good enough to make me want a child. There are other reasons, but I just wanted to share my story.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

My mother had me at a young age and I really think that accounts for some of the abuse. She was also sexually abused by her father. He left when she was only a few years old and my grandmother had to work. I know my uncles 'tortured' her quite a bit and I know that is another part of the puzzle.

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be 30 before I had my first child. I don't know if I realized then why I thought that but I recognize the reasons now. I was 29 when I had my son and 34 when I had my daughter. I know if I lose my patience, which often happens with two little ones, I give myself a timeout and lock myself in the bathroom or something just to calm down a bit. I've never had the urge to hit my children though. I spanked my son just once when he was about three. I was changing his diaper and he twisted around and bit me! I was so surprised and there was this naked tush there so I gave it a quick swat. Ooh boy, was he mad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against spanking (if it is a swat on the rear) but after my childhood, I choose not to spank my children.

Whether or not you have children, just keep praying. The Lord can heal you and children are such a blessing (should you choose to have them).

God bless you guys

 

[forgivenmuch]

alot of abused people take it more serious when they have children.. i notice the ones that have been abused... and is christians ... tend to not even spank tiher children. i know for me.. i was badly abused by both my parents... and now i have a 3 yr old son.. he is my life.. i ask myself this often.. how could you beat your child? i love him with my whole heart.. i cant ever imagine doing to him what they done to me.. i have spanked him but nothing hard.. i put him in time out most of the time..when it comes to disipline.. my son is kinda spoiled.. the reason is..hes my only child.. after 8 yrsd of marriage .. he was very unexpected.. he was my miracle child.. i dont know or will understand how parents beat thier children.. i have been in the grocery store..and parents smack thier children in the face... and yell at them.. i did not have a son then..but it would always make me angry..because.. i seen me in them... as a child.. now if that happened..you would go to jail.. i know abuse still goes on..but times have changed.. the gov ..will take your kids away..and people will stand up and take kids in thier home ... i think the goverment... has improved alot in that area..although there needs to more help in that area.. we are learinign more and more how to raise kids and how we should deal with our past ... i dont even like spanking my son..it hurts me really bad... but i do it with love... and i am never angry.. i use my hand and barely spank him on the butt..he dont even feel it..the time outs affect him more than anything... but my son is a good child.. he only knows love.. theres not any serious arguments in our home.. it is peaceful... i dont go around my parents any more.. i have not in the last 4 yrs... the abuse ..was so bad.. i cant go around them..i dont want my son to see how they are..they are the same.. and both of my parents are 60 yrs old..and still alive..and fuss and fight .. my son has seen my dad one time..and my mom ..5 or 10 times.. since his birth... they say they want a relationship with him...but thats a front.. to get me to come there... and then after a month or two... they would start on him and me....i wont allow that to happen..they had thier chance with me and my 7 brothers and sisters..and what a terrible job they done.. and with my 2 sisters kids.. they done the same way... i wont let my son see that.. i would suggest when it comes to very abusive parents.. be careful..when your kids are around them if they have not changed... i would suggest little contact at all... my parents done alot of damage to my mind..i have struggles with it... i get down sometimes.. but i know im doing the best for my son.. i love my parents even though they has no love for me.. i am glad that God set me free from the chains ... and bondage.. my mom and dad told me if they die..they would not want me at thier funeral.. i said ok i wont come.. they want the guilt to linger even after they are dead..they want me to hurt..forever... i wont let them hurt me no more... may God save them and change them... i have took my mom to church so many times... and she gets home and my dad cusses her out..then they both cuss each other out..i have tried to be a mentor for them..to counsil them.. and tell them they need God.. not just a fix... they need a lifetime change..i guess im getting ot carryed away here.. it does not affect how ..i raise my son.. i love him and i do what God wants me to do .. in raising him right.. not with bitterness and hatred..but with love and patience ..

 

[RJ1]

I was emotionally and physically abused by both my parents. Plus I got a ton of emotional manipulation, control and guilt thrown at me from my grandmother. I'll spare the details.

I did wait until after I was thirty to start having children. I needed to get to the point of forgiveness, letting go of the pain and anger and then healing before I could even think of having kids. My husband on the other hand comes from a terrific family. So that was helpful too in my decision making.

There is no violence in our home. No hitting, spanking, yelling, etc. I won't have it. My daughters and I are very close and loving, same with my husband and my MIL who lives with us. I finally have that happy family I always longed for as a child. Just proves to me that God truly is love and He can make all things work for the good if we let Him.

A big group hug for all who posted in here. I'll pray for all of us and our families.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

I finally have that happy family I always longed for as a child. Just proves to me that God truly is love and He can make all things work for the good if we let Him.

A big group hug for all who posted in here. I'll pray for all of us and our families.

RJ, you are truly an inspiration. Thank you so much for your post here.

God bless you and right back at ya'

 

[Mayzoo]

I was abused in every sense of that word by my parents. I blocked most of it out, leaving me with very little memories of my childhood. The memories I did have, I minimized the events and said everyone involved did the best they could at the time. Now, as a parent myself, I know that is not even close to true. I didn't remember the severity of my childhood until my child was born. Very quickly, my mother began abusing my daughter.


I could not end the abuse for me, even when I was an adult and the verbal, and emotional continued. When I acknowledge what my mother was doing, I confronted her, and gave her a three month supervised only "probation" period to clean up her act. She would not. It took a very short time of watching my child endure what I endured as a child, and I ended the relationship with my mother. This month, it has been a year since she has had any contact with anyone in my immediate family. My father abandoned me at the age of 12 so he is no longer a factor.

I had worried a lot about continuing the abuse cycle. But I have come to terms with what I endured, and I will not allow anyone to abuse my child, me included. I thank God everyday for the blessing he has entrusted to my husband and myself. Knowing she is a child of God and a blessing to us might be what keeps my parenting style in line, or maybe seeing my mother verbally abuse my child and be very rough with her cleared up any risks of me repeating the cycle. I tend to believe that my prayers to God to help me be the best parent to my sweetie have opened my eyes, and allowed me to never repeat this tragic cycle.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

Mayzoo, good for you for recognizing the signs and putting a stop to it. Not only are you blessed with your daughter, sounds as if you a true blessing to her. I do really believe that it helps people recognize abuse in their own life when they see it in others.

Here's to the end of the abuse cycle in our families

 

[katsmeow]

My father abused my mother. I blocked it out for a lot of years and then one day a memory just hit me--remembering when I was about 12 years old, I was using a pair of scissors to try to hold my dad off of my mother. After my father died when I was 16, my mother started abusing me. Since I was so old, people asked why didn't I fight back, but she emotionally abused me too, to the point that I thought I was nothing and didn't have the right to fight back. She left a lot of bruises on me, pulled my hair out. I remember having to go to high school with a big bald spot on the top of my head and having to deal with kids asking about it. She would get drunk and take a wooden ax handle and beat the walls and doors with it. I would barricade myself in my bedroom by pushing my furniture up against the door and then sit on the floor against the furniture trying to hold her out of my room. I spent many nights like this with no sleep listening to her banging and screaming until she would finally pass out at 2 or 3 in the morning. And then I would have to go to school the next day. I grew into an adult with an inability to form an opinion on any subject because I was so used to her dominating every aspect of my life, even my thoughts and opinions. It has taken many years to overcome this. Every time she could see I was becoming more of an independent thinker, she took it as a threat to her control over me. I had to go many years with no contact with her, even went for a few years without a phone because she used to torment me so by phone, calling all day and night continuously. Now that she is in her 60's and is in poor health, I think she has begun to see the error of her ways. She recognizes she wasn't a great parent, but believes she did the best she could. As for me, I have a 10 year old daughter. I don't spank her. When she was little, I had a really hard time controlling my temper but I vowed she would never experience what I did. Its a struggle sometimes, but I want her to grow up feeling safe ,secure and loved.

 

[cinni]

i was physically abused by a parent who also proclaimed to be a christian I am now a parent myself and there are times i see my child hood flash in fromt of my eyes when disciplining my children although i don't abuse them i never could knowing the pain that i suffered i do yell more than i would like and i think that is something i have carried over from my child hood to my kids is in someways i get frustrated easier than i might have had my parents taught me to keep my kool and with gods help i will get a grip on this and be able to teach my kids to do the same to keep their kool as they get older.

I love my kids and would never intentionally hurt them in any way

cinni

 

[lucypevensie]

I never considered myself as an abused child until recent years, but yes, I fall into that category as well. Verbally, neglected, some physical, but the worst was watching much worse things happen to my older siblings - no kid should see the things I saw.

However, I have always been very observant, even as a child. I watched people around me and saw things I liked and things I did not like. I saw good parents and bad parents. My teachers in Christian school were a great influence on my life (even though they were clueless about my home life). I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry. I also read Dobson's books on raising children (when I was a child myself). I saw my parents mistakes and learned how to be a good parent instead.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent, but doing research and trusting myself I've found that I've broken the cycle of abuse. I'm able to punish (spank even) without losing my temper.

But I can certainly understand how difficult it can be to raise a child when all you've known is the messed up method.

 

[Koraley]

My mother was an alcoholic and was abusive to us physically and emotionally. In alot of ways it has scarred me for life. I will forever walk through life not thinking I am good enough. I have three kids and I have become the opposite of what my mother is. I don't spank my kids with fear of being my mother. My kids are spoiled in alot of ways. I just smother them with lots of love something I never had. I don't ever want my kids to grow up battered emotionally like I was so I try very hard every day to show them lots of love and encouragement!

 

[CeCe]

Yep. My parents were both abusive. They were the kind of people who really shouldn't have been allowed to reproduce. I married in my teens just to escape them. A huge mistake, though it didn't seem to be at the time. They were both physically and emotionally abusive. And it certainly impacted the way I parent. It made me more loving, patient and attentive to their needs. They have never had to hear that I never wanted them in the first place, that they will never amount to anything, can't do anything right or had their life threatened. They have a mom who cares how they feel. Trust me, when my son graduates this year he will NOT hear me say I'm not coming because "I'm busy." (she needed to mop the kitchen)

They were not Christian, but they "went to church" every Sunday. By the time I met the man I'd still be married to 20+ years later. I left her in the past. I just refused to allow her to inflict her self pity and manipulation on my kids. As a result she never saw them. I regret that the kids never had a grandparent like most kids but I never regretted that SHE was not in their life.

My kids know I love them, even though they don't always like the fact I sometimes say "no" to things. But they've never lived in fear or wished they had never been born. It's just wrong when a small child feels that way. But because I did, my own children never will.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

.

or wished they had never been born. It's just wrong when a small child feels that way. But because I did, my own children never will.

I felt that way until only a few years ago. I always wished I had been born somdbody else or not born at all. I never truly liked myself which set me up for a lot of problems of my own making. God healed me of that several years ago. Now I tell people that I like 'me' and they just look at me like,"Get over yourself." but they just don't realize how amazing that feeling truly is. Praise God. I do like me.