Any Adivise - Husband not "in love" yet won't leave
- Thread starter cjba
- Start date
I can only pray that his heart will soften and things will get better with counseling. At the same time I'm scared because this is the last hope I have. I feel as if I'm in denial that my marriage is at the end becuase I keep giving myself hope.
I'm going to try the website recommended.
Thanks to everyone who has responded. I feel like I need to talk about this and there is no one to talk too. This forum has been wonderful for me as I'm sure for many others.
God Bless
I'm going to try the website recommended.
Thanks to everyone who has responded. I feel like I need to talk about this and there is no one to talk too. This forum has been wonderful for me as I'm sure for many others.
God Bless
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Please keep in mind that your husband is depressed. This is a medical condition - it is a disease and it is not a simple matter of his attitude. He cannot pick himself up by his bootstraps - no one can, for that matter - but a depressed person cannot simply decide to have a better attitude and do so. Depression can be paralyzing, it can make it hard to concentrate, to make decisions and to think clearly. Some depressed people way over sleep and yet are tired all the time. Others have a very hard time sleeping and some flucagte between the two. Some overeat, and others hardly eat. Some are spoiling for fights all the time and others can't rouse themselves if they are on fire. It is all from the disease.
I know it is very hard to love with a depressed person, but as hard as it is for you, please know thaqt it is twice as hard for him. This is not how he wants to live his life.
I know it is very hard to love with a depressed person, but as hard as it is for you, please know thaqt it is twice as hard for him. This is not how he wants to live his life.
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Bliz,
Thank you. This is what I keep telling myself in order to have some hope - it is the depression. But how is it that everything else in his life seems to be ok. His work has not suffered or his relationship with our children.
Maybe I'm the one who wants to blame the depression. When we went to the doctor and described what was going on the doctor automatically gave him meds for depression. But there has been no follow up - only a couple of refills. He has not actually been to counseling at all in regards to depression.
I'll be praying extra hard in these next few days. I hope the counseling session we have on Wednesday will be positive. If anything I will finally have closure to this chapter in our lives. The counselor will eventually determine if he truly has depression or if he truly wants out of the marriage. Then I have to accept the outcome and this is what I am so scared of.
God Bless
Thank you. This is what I keep telling myself in order to have some hope - it is the depression. But how is it that everything else in his life seems to be ok. His work has not suffered or his relationship with our children.
Maybe I'm the one who wants to blame the depression. When we went to the doctor and described what was going on the doctor automatically gave him meds for depression. But there has been no follow up - only a couple of refills. He has not actually been to counseling at all in regards to depression.
I'll be praying extra hard in these next few days. I hope the counseling session we have on Wednesday will be positive. If anything I will finally have closure to this chapter in our lives. The counselor will eventually determine if he truly has depression or if he truly wants out of the marriage. Then I have to accept the outcome and this is what I am so scared of.
God Bless
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cjba said:
The doctor's response to the depression reflects quite badly on the doctor. Try not to let it reflect on your husband. Just giving your husband some meds does not sufficently treat depression.
When people suffer from depression they are often able to keep a few parts of their life functioning - work is usually one of the parts that keeps running the longest becasue it is so necessary. At some level your husband may have decided that you could better handle his not being there for you than the kids could. And he is right about that. That hardly means that it is fair to you or that it has been easy for you! It's anything but! But if you had to choose - you would probably choose that he continue to be a Dad to your kids.
Hang in there. Get counseling and support for yourself. Take care of yourself, but try not to give up on him. Once he ge3ts proper help for his depression, things may begin to improve.
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I wish I could accept that my marriage is over. He tells me it has been too long and his feelings are not there. I asked him if he cared about his family and his answer was yes, he cared about his kids. I then asked arn't I part of your family? His response was that I haven't been for a long time.
I asked him to have an open heart when we go to counseling on Wednesday. I honestly don't think he will.
I asked him to have an open heart when we go to counseling on Wednesday. I honestly don't think he will.
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AbidingInHim
Senior Veteran
I will be lifting you guys up in prayer.......anything is possible.....I know he's the one with the problem but the hurt he's caused you is in need of you forgiving him as well, it's easy to let hurt bead up into resentment and unforgiveness......spend some time in prayer about having a forgiving heart for him.....God Bless
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So far I have no feeling of unforgiveness in my heart. I haven't got to the point of anger or resentment. I just feel beaten up emotionally.
I just have to keep remembering that this is my husband doing this on his own free will. I was beginning to feel that God is just not listening to the prayers in our home.
I just have to keep remembering that this is my husband doing this on his own free will. I was beginning to feel that God is just not listening to the prayers in our home.
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
Okay here's the deal. Go to counseling with him on Wednesday. It really sounds as though your husband is very very immature and will probably hit rock bottom before he realizes his mistakes. I think you may eventually have to "let him go" and basically "let go and let God". You can't force someone to love you nor can you keep him tied to you when he is not choosing to work things out nor is his heart in it. But all you can do for now is do your best to put your best foot forward and suggest counseling. At least he is willing to go on Wednesday.
Your marriage just didn't get this way overnight. Obviously there are major, pent-up issues between both of you that are unresolved. For some reason, he is unwilling to be open and communicate his feelings to you. Hopefully a counselor will be trained enough to draw that out of him. Meanwhile, continue being the best wife you can be and mother to your children. If you do your best right now, you will have no regrets later. So if things don't work out and he chooses to leave, at least you will have a clear conscience that you did the best anyone can do. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. Your husband may have to learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Whatever he is unwilling to change about himself, he will continually run into the same issues over and over again with whoever he ends up with because you know why? God has a sense of humor and your husband wants to run away...but the funny thing is that he will never be able to run away from himself. Wherever he goes, there he will be! Anyway, draw closer to God and find the strength to stand firm and continue fighting for what is right for your marriage.
Even if the worst case happens (divorce), remember it's not the end of the world. God will be there for you when a door closes and another door will open. That's just the love, mercy and grace of God. Never lose faith in all that is good in life. Do the right thing and blessings will come your way. My heart is with you as you go through these very difficult times.
Your marriage just didn't get this way overnight. Obviously there are major, pent-up issues between both of you that are unresolved. For some reason, he is unwilling to be open and communicate his feelings to you. Hopefully a counselor will be trained enough to draw that out of him. Meanwhile, continue being the best wife you can be and mother to your children. If you do your best right now, you will have no regrets later. So if things don't work out and he chooses to leave, at least you will have a clear conscience that you did the best anyone can do. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. Your husband may have to learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Whatever he is unwilling to change about himself, he will continually run into the same issues over and over again with whoever he ends up with because you know why? God has a sense of humor and your husband wants to run away...but the funny thing is that he will never be able to run away from himself. Wherever he goes, there he will be! Anyway, draw closer to God and find the strength to stand firm and continue fighting for what is right for your marriage.
Even if the worst case happens (divorce), remember it's not the end of the world. God will be there for you when a door closes and another door will open. That's just the love, mercy and grace of God. Never lose faith in all that is good in life. Do the right thing and blessings will come your way. My heart is with you as you go through these very difficult times.
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I'm trying to let go. I guess I'm trying so hard to not get divorced is because I come from a divorced family. This is the one thing I would discuss with my husband in the past is that I never wanted to give our children divorced parents.
He still hasn't officially asked for a divorce and I guess this is why I have a little hope. I'm just fooling myself. I'm really trying to let go.
He still hasn't officially asked for a divorce and I guess this is why I have a little hope. I'm just fooling myself. I'm really trying to let go.
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cjba said:
What does it mean to be "in love?" Is it some adolescent infatuation? Energetic romantic courting? Is it sex? Ask the couples in my parish - the majority who have been married 20 years - 10% have been married 50 years of longer - and they will say their love is stronger now than ever - deeper, calmer, steady, protective, giving and getting... not running around wild and crazy, laughing and giggling.... but when two know each other so well that they know each other inside and out and still like each other. They would go on and on...
Now you complain because you are getting what you want. Honey, your husband has a disease. If he had a heart disease or cancer and your marriage was 80% good you would be rejoicing. Thank God he is staying with you. The clue - in my mind comes in the statement "the way I want him to". Welcome to real life marriage - it is never 100% the way we want it to be - just like real life.
That is where your Christian faith gets practical. Jesus commands us to love as he does - not seek to be loved as we think we should be. Forgiveness is the true measure of the marriage. Forgive as we are forgiven we pray in each Lord's Prayer, but if you are unwilling to practice that virtue in your marriage when/where do you think God is going to teach you?
Stay married. Take care of him.
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Zion,
It is not 80% good anymore. It has changed drastically. I would say it is good maybe 10% now. He has become an ugly person with me. I don't want to use depression as an excuse for his behavior. I think this was my denial that my marriage was falling apart and there was nothing I could do. Using the depression as an excuse was a crutch for he to hold on. His actions make it very clear that he does not want me anymore.
Part of me wants him to leave tomorrow so he can feel alone on Thanksgiving. This way he can get a taste of what it is going to be like...alone. I don't want to become ugly like him.
It is not 80% good anymore. It has changed drastically. I would say it is good maybe 10% now. He has become an ugly person with me. I don't want to use depression as an excuse for his behavior. I think this was my denial that my marriage was falling apart and there was nothing I could do. Using the depression as an excuse was a crutch for he to hold on. His actions make it very clear that he does not want me anymore.
Part of me wants him to leave tomorrow so he can feel alone on Thanksgiving. This way he can get a taste of what it is going to be like...alone. I don't want to become ugly like him.
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Perhaps you do need time apart, so that the present irritations do not pile up and cloud your thinking about what is good. It seems to be getting darker for you - just the change in your posts shows that.
If this is the case, although I try to help people stay in relationships, yet there does come a time when the relationship dies - just as real as if one of you had died. If you are sure that this is the time - do what you have to do. Jesus is a loving and forgiving friend who supports us all in the face of the many kinds of deth we face, not just the ulitmate one. God bless you, I will pray for you cjba. Your sister - zion
If this is the case, although I try to help people stay in relationships, yet there does come a time when the relationship dies - just as real as if one of you had died. If you are sure that this is the time - do what you have to do. Jesus is a loving and forgiving friend who supports us all in the face of the many kinds of deth we face, not just the ulitmate one. God bless you, I will pray for you cjba. Your sister - zion
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We went to counseling and to my husband it is my fault becuase I am some what of a perfectionist and no one could live up to my standards. I am able to take responsibility for my share of the destruction of the marriage but he is not. According to the counselor the reason he is not taking responsibility for his side is because he does not care.
He is simply avoiding me now. He should of been home a couple of hours ago. He would usually call on his way home. Now he has his cell off. He thinks since I am the problem maybe I should be the one to leave.
He is simply avoiding me now. He should of been home a couple of hours ago. He would usually call on his way home. Now he has his cell off. He thinks since I am the problem maybe I should be the one to leave.
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AbidingInHim
Senior Veteran
DON"T leave see a lawyer, it's very likely he's following a lawyer's advice, goint to marraige counseloing to show an attempt to the courts of fixing it and now trying to get you to leave, to make you the "deserter" in the divorce hearings, I don't know a lot of legalities on divorce, but I'm seeing red flags, now. He's sounds like everything he does is calculated.
I'm sorry things are so awful for you right now, you remain in my prayers. Do you believe he might have found another relationship?
I'm sorry things are so awful for you right now, you remain in my prayers. Do you believe he might have found another relationship?
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I don't think he has found another relationship. Believe me I've checked the phone and cell phone records, bank transactions, credit card transactions looking for something. And I have found nothing so far.
It never came to my mind that he may be following the advise of a lawyer. I know not to leave my home. But now I'm scared that if I agreed to go to counseling and he does have a lawyer than they would see this as me admitting I have a problem. I'm just trying to save my marriage.
It never came to my mind that he may be following the advise of a lawyer. I know not to leave my home. But now I'm scared that if I agreed to go to counseling and he does have a lawyer than they would see this as me admitting I have a problem. I'm just trying to save my marriage.
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AbidingInHim
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NO rthe way I understand it is lawyers recommend that you attend a counseling session to illustrate your attempt to reconcile to show that nothing works.....it looks good to the courts.....not to put the blame on you, however he might have been trying to get you to say somthing he scould use against you during a proceeding.....
Please understand, my knowledge is limited, but I've heard people talk about it in those terms before
Maybe if you asked a couple of questions inthe divorced and seperated forum, some people who have been through it could give you better information from thier experiences
Please understand, my knowledge is limited, but I've heard people talk about it in those terms before
Maybe if you asked a couple of questions inthe divorced and seperated forum, some people who have been through it could give you better information from thier experiences
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AbidingInHim
Senior Veteran
Is there anyway, you can change your hours to be home during the day? I know you said he wasn't willing to change his hours, but if the kids aren't doing chores and he's Playing them against you, your prescence is desperately needed for your kids sake.
My mom told us all sorts of half truths about our dad, and it was enough to keep me in limited contact for over 5 years....Those are years I can't ever get back, even though now I know the truth and we had a good relationship when he died, I was awful to him and it was because she had poisoned me against him, if he'd been more open and communicative and around more, maybe he could have made it more clear where he stood and I wouln't have been so easily brainwashed
I would say, make individual dates with each of your girls, Christmas shopping trips or something, talk to them, they don't need to know too much intimant stuff, jsut let them know where you stand, why you feel getting there chores done is important, how you want to see them blossom into well adjusted, highly functioning adults and that training comes now, how you love thier daddy and what ever happpens between you two, that you love them
My mom told us all sorts of half truths about our dad, and it was enough to keep me in limited contact for over 5 years....Those are years I can't ever get back, even though now I know the truth and we had a good relationship when he died, I was awful to him and it was because she had poisoned me against him, if he'd been more open and communicative and around more, maybe he could have made it more clear where he stood and I wouln't have been so easily brainwashed
I would say, make individual dates with each of your girls, Christmas shopping trips or something, talk to them, they don't need to know too much intimant stuff, jsut let them know where you stand, why you feel getting there chores done is important, how you want to see them blossom into well adjusted, highly functioning adults and that training comes now, how you love thier daddy and what ever happpens between you two, that you love them
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heartnsoul
Don't settle for less than God's best!
Well, it sounds like you made some progress in counseling. If you agree that you need to work on not being a perfectionist, then do that. Seriously work on your own self but at the same time, you will need the counselor's help to set healthy boundaries between you and your husband. You will probably need to find another way to communicate to your husband to let him know that you will not tolerate him not coming home and turning his cell phone off. These are just childish, destructive behaviors that you need to find a way to talk to him about how these behaviors hurt you and the marriage. You will need to communicate to him in a way that doesn't point the finger at him. The best way to deal with him is to say, "Hey, I know I have issues to work on and I plan on working on them...but you need to meet me half way and do whatever you can so we can improve this marriage together. When you turn your cell phone off, I feel like you're trying to avoid me. When you don't call home, I start worrying whether you got into an accident or something. So please give me the minimal respect to at least call home and let me know you're okay. (and just leave it at that without continuous lecturing)cjba said:
I disagree with your counselor. I think your husband does care about the marriage because he did go to counseling with you. His attitude may not be right at the counseling session, but look at his actions. Actions speak louder than words...and his actions (in my opinion) showed that he does care because he showed up to counseling. He has a bad attitude right now because he is just totally frustrated and negative about the marriage with all the problems between both of you. That will take a lot of time to work through.
For your own protection right now, I would strongly advise that you go seek a lawyer also. Get some good legal advice in case your husband gets ugly. Unfortunately when a spouse is immature, situations of divorce can get really out of hand. A lot of the folks here who have been divorced can tell you some horrid stories. There's a lot at stake here...custody of children, your bank accounts, your house, cars, etc. Just protect yourself and talk to a lawyer so you know what the facts are JUST IN CASE you end up divorced.
At least your husband showed up to counseling. I think that is a positive step in the right direction. As small as the progress seems right now, I think there is a glimpse of hope for your marriage. So...start working on your own issues, stop focusing on his issues, consult with a lawyer to find out what is rightfully yours in case of a divorce, and maybe find another counselor who can help both of you communicate constructively.
In my opinion, it sounds like both of you are not communicating healthily or effectively. There seems to be a power struggle between both of you. Both of you have issues to work on. But the best way to affect change is to change yourself first. Work on yourself and watch how it will positively affect your husband to change. Your husband is extremely defensive and I sense there is a lot of hostility and resentment from him towards you. That will take lots of time for him to work through. You will need to find a counselor to help you communicate with him in words that will not make him feel defensive.
Be patient and stay strong. I feel there is hope as long as your husband continues to go with you to counseling.
Your marriage didn't deteriorate like this overnight so it will take time for rebuilding and restoration. Keep the faith and keep us posted.
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This is exactly what I have done. I sat my kids down for a family meeting without dad. I wanted to explain to them why I get so frustrated at times. They are old enough where I should not have to ask several times for them to get their chores done. I know that their dad is almost a playmate with them and I'm glad they have such a good relationship with their dad. I think they understood where I was coming from.
As for me changing my hours to be home more during the day. It would make things so uncomfortable right now. I feel very uncomfortable when my husband is around. I'm always been a very affectionate person with my family. Constantly telling everyone in my home I love them and giving lots of hugs. My kids even tell me sometimes that I'm crazy because I hug them and kiss them so much. But I am still the main one that seems to be the sergant in the home.
As for me changing my hours to be home more during the day. It would make things so uncomfortable right now. I feel very uncomfortable when my husband is around. I'm always been a very affectionate person with my family. Constantly telling everyone in my home I love them and giving lots of hugs. My kids even tell me sometimes that I'm crazy because I hug them and kiss them so much. But I am still the main one that seems to be the sergant in the home.
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