Anxious all the time

[smoothy321]

In brief: Was saved at the age of 7. Went to independent Baptist churches all my life. The first one the Pastor ran off with a woman from the church. The second one, the church split cause the Pastor built himself a million dollar house and wanted the church to pay for it, but not before the youth pastor was sent to prison for molesting 4 of the little girls and boys. The third one, the pastor was excommunicated because he was sleeping with 3 of the woman he was counseling. The fourth one was King James only. At this last church I was teaching a Sunday school class for children with my wife, witnessing door to door, Helping on the bus ministry and nursing homes. Even through all this my faith was strong. All that I wanted to do was preach the gospel. I wanted to be an evangelist and decided to go to Moody Bible Institute. The Pastor basically cut me off because of it. Moody was not a King James only school. Oh Well,, went off to Moody anyway. Stayed there and studied for 3.5 years, during the course of which, I lost Faith. The more I studied the Bible, the more I saw its flaws. The college plan backfired on me! All the while, as I felt I was slipping,,,, I would constantly pray... Please Father, do not ever let me go! I love you and want to believe. All the time.... Please,,,, if I ever slip away,,,, please bring me back. Cause I was afraid of life without Him. Well,,, I got out of Moodyabout 5 years ago. During this time I went completely opposite and established several "adult" oriented websites. It's mostly glamour type stuff - no sex, very little nudity. I'm married with 2 kids (3 and 6). I'm making good money. I see this is getting a little too long here. Let me sum it up. I do not know what I believe.... I've gone so far backwards I don't know what to think. But I'm anxious all the time. Especially with all the **** going on in the world today. I'm terribly afraid of dying without Christ and the assurance that comes with knowing Him. I had peace when I was walking with Him, even in the face of death! I was in Saudi during the gulf war. One night, when we were held out for an hour, having been told a scud was headed for us with chemicals attached, I had peace. We were all crouched down waiting for the thing... As it drew closer, the building began to shake, and the horrific sound of it shook everyone up. Here it was just about overhead now and people were going nuts! I grabbed the person next to me and we hugged. I closed my eyes and the biggest flow of peace came over me as I spent time in prayer. There was no fear. The scud passed overhead and landed a mile down the road, hitting another platoons barracks and killed 60 soldiers. I miss the comfort of Christianity. Even if it isn't true. My predicament is this. My lifestyle is such that we simply can not survive if I give up my web sites. I'm too far in life now (34 years old) to get some skill. I know I can't go back to Christ while doing this, and in the mean time,,,, my kids suffer.... not having the church experience that I had. I don't know what to do. A lot of what I'm writing I'm sure is all over the place... I was just sitting here and had to get it out. Thanks for reading. --Keith P.S. I forgot to mention, that all the while I was "in the faith" I never could overcome lust and as a result, I would escape through alcohol. Even while atending Moody, I would sometimes find a "bum" and take them out to a blues bar drinking..... all the while witnessing to him. Screwed up or what! There's so much to say, but that's that for now :-(

 

[skylark1]

Keith,

The peace that you felt when the scud missile passed overhead was real. It is the peace that passes all understanding. I think that deep down you know this.

I suggest that you just give this all over to God. You are carrying so many burdens around; the failings of church leaders, doubt, the sin in your life, and monetary worries. His yoke truly is easy and his burden is light.

You wrote that you know you can't go back to Christ while doing this. Keith, God doesn't want to for you to wait until you are perfect to come back to Him. If that were the case, you would never come back. I think that it is when we admit our weaknesses to Him that God's strength is revealed.


A father brought his child to Jesus to be healed:

Mark 9
23Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."
24Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"
​

Just talk to God, and be honest with Him. Tell Him that you believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief. He will meet you where you are.

I am sure that you remember the parable about the shepherd leaving the 99 sheep to go and search for the one who had strayed. You are the sheep that the Shepherd is searching for. God loves you so very much.

 

[Bizzlebin Imperatoris]

Amen to that!!!

About the websites: If you are making a living off of them, then I have little doubt that if you tried, you could make a new series of websites with something not so "adult oriented". God will guide you here if you ask him.

As far as questions/contradictions go, please do post them here. I have a great team of advisors who I am sure will be able to help us solve any questions you have!

Please do this: Pray to God for wisdom and strength, I will pray for you!

 

[skylark1]

Keith,

You might want to read the book "Soul Survivor: How My Faith Survived the Church," by Philip Yancy. You can read reviews for it here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0375431284/102-2475990-8362558?vi=reviews

I think that in some ways you will relate to his story. I found the book at my local library.

But a book is no substitute for a long talk with God. You know that you can tell him of your doubts, and he will understand. You won't be the first person to pray "Lord I believe, help my unbelief."


Also, 34 is not too old to start a new career! Many people much older than you have embarked on new careers. I suspect that you feel like you are stuck in a rut, but I believe that God has a plan for you.

I am praying for you.

 

[skylark1]

Keith,

I am still praying for you.
I haven't given up on you, and neither has God.


If you post some of your questions or doubts, there are a lot of people here or in the Questions about Christianity Forum that might able to help.

 

[mlukas]

Keith,
I'm sorry to hear about what went on in your past with the churches you have been a part of. If you are blaming yourself in some fashion, you need to stop. It wasn't your fault.
I am praying for you and looked up a few verses that I hope will help you my friend.

Romans 8:37-39
Prov 18:23-25

Also! A book that really helped me in my doubts about God, etc was (is!) "The Case for Faith" By Lee Strobel. I can't recommend it enough!
God loves you Keith, no matter what you have done or are going through. And he truly wants you to just take those steps back to Him, no matter where or how you are. You mentioned you have 2 kids. I have 3 myself. God sees us as His children no matter what. No matter what condition my kids were in or what state they were in life I would love them regardless and "take them back". I'm sure you feel the same about your kids. Imagine how much more God feels toward you! (Luke 11:9-13, Luke 15)
Point is, God loves you wherever you are at. He just wants you to come home.
Hope this helps, let me know how you are doing. I will pray for you!

M

 

[GodOwnsMe]

heya....
man that's a tricky situation.
I'm sometimes gettin doubts aswell bout the bible and all. but then stuff happens (coincidences, etc) that makes me more sure again.
well, I guess it'd be a good thing to start prayin again?
and if it's true, I don't think God'll leave you all alone when you leave the website stuff.
wishin u alll the best !!!

 

[GodOwnsMe]

oh n what I missed out. yeah you can. I mean. Christ would be the one that could help you get out of this...
I mean yeah I don't think you can just sit in between the chairs...but it doesn't mean you can't pray to God n ask Him to help u, like, you know, Jesus actually came to the ppl when they were still messed up...

 

[Southwest Christians]

I can see that the other Churchs you used to go to had a bad affect on you. The leaders didn't follow what is writen in the Bible. That kind of stuff happens all the time in Churchs. We all sin even the Pope does. You need to pray to God that He will lead you. And He will! Because God loves you. And if you asked Jesus to forgive you of your sins and asked Him in your heart when you were 7 years old. If you are Saved your Saved! That means when you die you will go to Heaven.

 

[Emmy]

Dear Keith,you had good and helpful messages,may I just point out one very important factor;Jesus came to help sinners.Keep bringing your burden to Him,put everything at His Feet,and then leave it there;don`t take it away again.Thank the Lord for His help,ask Him to guide you,and praise Him.Many people will be praying for you Keith;accept God`s Grace.Greetings from Emmy,a sister in Christ.

 

[Bevlina]

Many, many people have the same problems as you Smoothy. And I believe that when the scud went over you and you felt such peace, God was saying "Be Still, and Know that I am God."

The thing is, you had a pretty bad example to follow in the first place. And, underneath it all, this would have had an enormous effect on you throughout your life.
But, God knows your heart. Always remember that, God searches your heart.
You're not screwed up. Your true heart is with God. That's why you witness to a "bum"...he has the right to know about God, and His Son and the Holy Spirit and you know that in your heart.
And...that's why you came here. I do hope you will post here again so that we know how you are going?

God Be With You.

 

[bliz]

I see the fact that you are posting here, that you worry about your salvation and that you are anxious all of the time as indicators that you are a Christian. You may have backed out on your arrangement with God, but He has not. You are His, and He wants you back, and it sounds very much to me that you want to be back in fellowship with Him.

Worry about how to support your family a little further down the road... You need to get some spiritual help and counsel. I would not suggest seeking out a Baptist church (no disrespect to any Baptists) becasue of your past history there.

The Soul Survival book is great.

Have you tried talking to God? Restablishing a prayer life is so important!

You've taken a big step posting here... I appreciate the pain that brought you to this point and I urge you to keep waking back to God.

 

[alethos]

Keith, the Lord accepts you right where you are. "I know I can't go back to Christ while doing this". He loves you right where you are. You are worried about what after that. What I hear you saying is that you are afraid you will mess up, that "Christianity" doesn't work for you.

It is about relationship with the Saviour. Establish relationship through honest prayer and true worship. Tell him your heart. Get to know him through studying what he did and what he said. Keep your eyes on Christ - he never failed. We do. We are flesh and blood. That is why he had to send a saviour. When we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Seek first the Kingdom of God -- a relationship with Jesus -- and all those other things will be taken care of.

Love in Christ

 

[TheMainException]

The anxiety you mention in your title comes from being away from christ. If you want that peace that you once had, you have to give up those web sites and trust that God will hold true to his promises. He won't let you go. Turn back to him and get rid of those websites. He will provide for you, that you don't need to worry about.