Anoroxia

[mpshiel]

Hi ho,

Gosh, no one ever seems to talk about this subject. I guess either it was a fad in the 90's whose day has come or it just never comes out into the open.

Well I'm anorexic, have been for a very long time too I guess. (my teachers in gym used to say that I looked like I had come from a concentration camp). Problem with the not eating thing is that as lousy a viewpoint and coping mechanism as it is - it is a "safe" place to be - as in, if you have bad things happen in your life, you know where to "hide" in order to feel like you have some control. It is a place you can survive...but only for a while.

I had some bad things happen a couple weeks ago and kinda went all survival-mode which meant I stopped eating, totally. The first week I lost about 14 pounds I think.

But now, in the last day or two my partner has convinced me to have a little. Yesterday I had a bowl of soup (120 cal.). And while I can almost see her point of view there is a large barrier between us. It's not just that I'm "too fat" (though I have almost lost a cup size since starting, which I thought was a bit mean of my body), but rather that hunger tells me that I am alive, it reminds me to keep going and to do all that needs to be done. Without it, the future is a blank wall. Knowing that without food I have a limited amount of time means that I can successfully do things, getting what needs to be done, done. Without that, with unlimited time, then my actions or life would have no purpose, no meaning. I wish I could make that clearer but I can't.

I am actually not sure who I would be if I started eating again. Sometimes I can feel the "other" me trapped under this shield I have built out of hunger. And she just wants to rip this body apart.

Wish I knew what to do. My partner says that when I hurt myself I hurt her, and I see that. But do I instead do the things that please her when they feel like they are going to hurt me? I don't know.

 

[TheMainException]

You must sacrifice yourself so that you don't hurt Her. Jesus did it, I do it...now you must do it. Too few people do it. Sacrifice is worship to our God. Eat and spare God and Her the pain of not eating. It is all too clear to me as to why you don't eat. And I wish that there was some more that I could say...but I have only two things more....
I love you, and I will always love you because the Father loves us and will always love us no matter what.
And, I'll be praying for you in this thing.
Lean on the Abba's (daddy) breast, let him hug you close, so close that you can smell his clean, perfect smell, like flowers in the spring; so close that when you look deep into his eyes you see only love; so close that you can feel his heart beating in time with yours, beat for beat; so close that his love radiates within you straight out of his very soul. LET HIS LOVE FILL YOU UP UNTIL YOU CAN'T HOLD ANYMORE!
With love from above,
Lauren

 

[mpshiel]

Strange, I said the same thing. Yet she took the knives away when I went to sacrifice. Ahh, no one ever learns the lessons of the old testament.

Where exactly are you writing from which allows you to give Love from above? Are you dead? No, that would be love from below. So I guess you must live in Denver then.

Your images I am sorry to say only fill me with a strong sense of loathing. But then for someone who has already expressed her control and issues with having emotions that cannot be handled - getting an instruction to fill up till I can't hold anymore isn't going to be a booster. Hey, guess what, I already can't hold what I've got. You want God's love - take it. I have experienced much more of the love the disciples did when they went away rejoicing after being beaten. I just haven't got the rejoicing bit down yet.

Right now I feel a bit more like Jesus's quote of Abba - My God, WHY have you forsaken me? Maybe if you spent less time counting the hairs on my head and watching the swallows fall......God, God, God - how is it that you are too be so far above me that I am not to question you and yet suppose to take you closely and intimately dependancy? Seems like an oxymoron to me.

 

[Friendship]

First of all get over yourself quit blaming God because the choices you make are your own, there is help for Anerexia but you have to want it, you also mentioned the fact that what you are doing is hurting other people but yet your not willing to do nothing about it, in order for God to help you for starters you have to let him which mean you got let him have the control there is some reason or something that has happened in your life to make you feel this strong need for control and you need to take a hard look at yourself and get some help and find out what that is if you are truly seeking answeres from God call out to him pray give your problems to him and let him have control as he knows you better than you know yourself and knows exactly what you need, if you love these people you are hurting you will do something about it and I dont mean sacrificing yourself in the physical since as taking your life is a selfish act that will leave your loved ones distraught and confused and with feeling of guilt like why I couldnt I help I should have done something is this what you want to do to them.
Wake up to yourself and realize that you are not the only one this disease is effecting you are not the only victim but you are the only one who can choose to get help and change no one can do that for you even God gives us the freedom to choose so he wont force you either he may deal with your heart but you still have to make the choice God has not forsaken you

 

[janelle123]

i use to be anerxeria, i thought it was no big deal at all. just want to loose a few pounds so i dont become fat. i mean i didnt think i was fat, jsut was afraid of becoming fat. and i did it out of angera lot too. but whatever. i told my firned (who is now my boyfriend) and he got really upset and made me promise never to do. im not giong to lie, it was unbelievably hard to stop, it was addicting after awhile. i just wanst anerixc also bolumic however you spell it. wher eyou amke your self barf after meals. yea but now im over that and em getting fat and i dont care!

 

[All4one]

Feeling that you have limited time is a natural reaction of Gods return... that feeling does not have to come from killing yourself, sin takes care of that quite well. You seem to have a very mature aspect of self control but it is used indifferently. If I may suggest something it would be to turn this problem into fasting and praying to God. Instead of using that time to "get things done" use it to push closer to God. Every time you think of food reverse the thought to God but set limits. As you read through the bible notice that God NEVER allows a righteous person to go hungry as He may not want you to. Don't reject His nourishment, He wants you in top shape to carry out His will. Pray over your meals that they strengthen you to carry out His purpose and plan. This can be a serious problem sister, I mean even more so then now. I just beg you not to ignore the blessings God has bestowed upon you but use them that you may bless others.

In Christs Love,
All4one

 

[crossrunner]

I will be praying for you dear. Please know that I do care.

cr

 

[QueenBee]

Hi ho,

Gosh, no one ever seems to talk about this subject. I guess either it was a fad in the 90's whose day has come or it just never comes out into the open.

Well I'm anorexic, have been for a very long time too I guess. (my teachers in gym used to say that I looked like I had come from a concentration camp). Problem with the not eating thing is that as lousy a viewpoint and coping mechanism as it is - it is a "safe" place to be - as in, if you have bad things happen in your life, you know where to "hide" in order to feel like you have some control. It is a place you can survive...but only for a while.

I had some bad things happen a couple weeks ago and kinda went all survival-mode which meant I stopped eating, totally. The first week I lost about 14 pounds I think.

But now, in the last day or two my partner has convinced me to have a little. Yesterday I had a bowl of soup (120 cal.). And while I can almost see her point of view there is a large barrier between us. It's not just that I'm "too fat" (though I have almost lost a cup size since starting, which I thought was a bit mean of my body), but rather that hunger tells me that I am alive, it reminds me to keep going and to do all that needs to be done. Without it, the future is a blank wall. Knowing that without food I have a limited amount of time means that I can successfully do things, getting what needs to be done, done. Without that, with unlimited time, then my actions or life would have no purpose, no meaning. I wish I could make that clearer but I can't.

I am actually not sure who I would be if I started eating again. Sometimes I can feel the "other" me trapped under this shield I have built out of hunger. And she just wants to rip this body apart.

Wish I knew what to do. My partner says that when I hurt myself I hurt her, and I see that. But do I instead do the things that please her when they feel like they are going to hurt me? I don't know.

Please don't do this to yourself anymore. I know what you're going through because I've been through it. It's not just the fear of being fat that is causing you not to eat. When I was starving myself, it was because that was the only way I felt I had control over anything in my life.
It won't be an easy fight but you have to get help before it is too late. Lean on God and those who love you and know that others will pray for you. I wish you peace and good luck.

 

[crimson_dragon]

Dearest Mpshiel,

I am sorry 2 hear that u r anorexic. I 2 was anorexic for 5 years. I didnt think i cud get through it and that eventually it wud kill me. I have been anorexic-free for about 3 years and it is so much better not starving urself. U have got 2 stop doing this 2 urself - and ur partner. U can get thru this - you can, and i will support u even tho u dont no me. PM me is u wish. I am here