Angry!!!

[dayknee]

I'll try to make this long story short. Ive been dating this man for a while now ( years). He is aware of my past marriage which lasted 20 years, 4 of that seperated. My marriage ended due to emotional abuse and pornography addiction on his part. The addiction was probably the entire course of our marriage but I did not know about it until about the 10 year mark.
I hate porn. I hate what it does to people. I hate that men view it and act as if it is natural because they are men. Heck, I am a women and I like to look at a good looking man but I would not choose porn as my sexual outlet for anything. I have been devistated by it and it riped my heart out.
My boyfriend has made promises over these few years that he will not and does not look at porn. He would never do that to me, he says.
A few days ago my old stupid nature of spying (learned this from having to do this in my marriage) came back and I googles his name, or rather user name. He is a member of these smokless cigarette forums. The forums have an area that are are labled XXX and Dungeon that require passwords for them. I did what I had to do to obtain these passwords but PRIOR to doing that I told him that it made me uncomfortable that these areas were on there. He promised me he would not be in there posting.
Of course..my spying self had to see for myself.
I found his name in there and that he had made a post. It was actually a response to someones post. It was a photo of a naked movie star and her breasts ...my boyfriends response.."I love that movie with blah blah blah (instert stars names) and of course with BLAH (insert naked breasted womens name)
YES I AM MAD! I have been mad for two days. He apologized profusely and said he made a mistake, wanted my forgivenness and that he really did not intend to do anything inappropriate. NOw grant it I have foudn nothing else in that area that he responded to..and Im terrified to even look further.
He knows how this stuff hurts me...he insists that I am the only woman he wants.
After almost two days of being so butt hurt and my heart a mess he is angry with me telling me he is not going to support me being angry with him anymore for it. He reiderated that it was inappropriate for him to be there but it was in no way indicitive of his feelings and love for me.
I AM MAD AND HURT.

Mostly because it seems he has no clue how to comfort me when he messed up. HEy I am open to forgiving him but DANG IT! It makes me angry and hurt.
He says that this is NOT the worst thing in the world and that my over the top hurt and anger is not healthy.
ughhh..
so confused right now. I feel like I know my own mind in that it is wrong that he did that but am I really over the top and trying to make him pay for my ex husbands mistakes too by being too hurt by it?
He didn't comment on her naked breasts but I am not so dumb to think he wasn't refering to her nakedness when he said what he said.

I just want to cry out of sheer frustration.

 

[dayhiker]

Sorry dayknee that your hurting.
I don't have any words that would help you deal with your anger.

 

[GrumpGrump]

There's a lot going on here.

1. First, you're playing the martyr and not taking responsibility for your own role in making yourself miserable. You're the one with possibly unrealistic expectations about your boyfriend NEVER EVER looking at another woman again. You're the one who snooped. People are human, to be completely tautological. While I believe it's perfectly possible for two people to be monogamously committed for an entire lifetime, I don't think it's possible to never look at another person except your spouse for as long as you live. That's a fairytale, and it's only going to serve to make you (and lots of other insecure women) miserable. He's with YOU. He loves YOU. He demonstrates that when he puts up with your snooping, the violation of his trust, and your overreaction. If you can't handle that your significant other might have seen an actress' breasts and might like breasts in general, you're going to have some serious issues finding a guy to live up to your priggish standards. You have to acknowledge that you have some pretty ridiculous rules for your boyfriend, and the fact that you can't cope with him being a human (a tolerant, patient, and faithful human) who might have seen some boobies-- that's why you're unhappy. Not because he's terrible or your ex is terrible or all men are terrible.
2. This is... an unhealthy amount of insecurity and jealousy. If it were a boyfriend doing this to his girlfriend, we'd call it controlling or perhaps emotionally abusive. Violating someone's privacy (stealing his password, even) and then exploding in a 2-day jealous fit at finding that he MIGHT have commented on an actress' breasts? I don't think you're being malicious, but whoa, that's excessive. (By "excessive," I mean, "borderline abusive.")
3. Don't punish your boyfriend for your ex-husband's shortcomings. It's unfair, and more than that, it's a violation of his privacy and the trust in your relationship. He's at fault on some ways, of course, but I think he's primarily at fault because he was dishonest with you when he said he could comply with your unrealistic expectations. His posting in that forum doesn't seem morally reprehensible at all; lying to you about it MIGHT have been. But it seems like he had reason to lie-- if he knew you would react to something relatively benign with two days of petulance, I'm not sure I'd even say he was wrong to lie.

I don't like porn either. I'm not puritanical about sex, but the porn industry treats women poorly and it squicks me out. But, I make my feelings on it clear at the beginning of a relationship (that I don't like it), and then I trust my partner to take that into account. I explain my reasoning (that I think porn contributes to women's continued inequality) and leave it to my partner to behave ethically. I'm aware that my partner probably still occasionally looks at porn, that he definitely checks out other women, but honestly, I check out other men, too. I know that when I do it, it's harmless. So when I feel insecure about him thinking about other women, I think about what it's like when I check out other men, and I acknowledge that in BOTH cases, it's harmless. I honestly put myself in his shoes, as charitably as possible, and realize he means no harm or infidelity by it. Then I try not to think about it anymore. It's just human reality that we've all got wandering eyeballs, but you have to put it in perspective. A partner is much more likely to stay with you if s/he knows that you will allow him or her to be a human being.

I don't mean this condescendingly, but if you're this paranoid and insecure, and so prone to violating the personal boundaries of others, it might be time speak with someone professionally. They might be able to help you with some of your lingering trust issues from your ex. You seem to have come by your issues honestly, but talking to someone might help you deal with the prior hurt and trust issues so that you can have a good relationship with your boyfriend.

[Sorry that this was so long, and sorry also that it came off pretty harsh. In the interest of disclosing the biased source from which this advice came: my ex-boyfriend pulled this kind of drama for the entirety of the two years I was with him. I became paranoid and hypervigilant in response, because I was constantly on guard against the next jealous, unprovoked explosion. The day I dumped him was the best day ever, because I am now free from his craziness.]

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I agree with Grump. Nothing more to really add there.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

There's a lot going on here.

1. First, you're playing the martyr and not taking responsibility for your own role in making yourself miserable. You're the one with possibly unrealistic expectations about your boyfriend NEVER EVER looking at another woman again. You're the one who snooped. People are human, to be completely tautological. While I believe it's perfectly possible for two people to be monogamously committed for an entire lifetime, I don't think it's possible to never look at another person except your spouse for as long as you live. That's a fairytale, and it's only going to serve to make you (and lots of other insecure women) miserable. He's with YOU. He loves YOU. He demonstrates that when he puts up with your snooping, the violation of his trust, and your overreaction. If you can't handle that your significant other might have seen an actress' breasts and might like breasts in general, you're going to have some serious issues finding a guy to live up to your priggish standards. You have to acknowledge that you have some pretty ridiculous rules for your boyfriend, and the fact that you can't cope with him being a human (a tolerant, patient, and faithful human) who might have seen some boobies-- that's why you're unhappy. Not because he's terrible or your ex is terrible or all men are terrible.
2. This is... an unhealthy amount of insecurity and jealousy. If it were a boyfriend doing this to his girlfriend, we'd call it controlling or perhaps emotionally abusive. Violating someone's privacy (stealing his password, even) and then exploding in a 2-day jealous fit at finding that he MIGHT have commented on an actress' breasts? I don't think you're being malicious, but whoa, that's excessive. (By "excessive," I mean, "borderline abusive.")
3. Don't punish your boyfriend for your ex-husband's shortcomings. It's unfair, and more than that, it's a violation of his privacy and the trust in your relationship. He's at fault on some ways, of course, but I think he's primarily at fault because he was dishonest with you when he said he could comply with your unrealistic expectations. His posting in that forum doesn't seem morally reprehensible at all; lying to you about it MIGHT have been. But it seems like he had reason to lie-- if he knew you would react to something relatively benign with two days of petulance, I'm not sure I'd even say he was wrong to lie.

I don't like porn either. I'm not puritanical about sex, but the porn industry treats women poorly and it squicks me out. But, I make my feelings on it clear at the beginning of a relationship (that I don't like it), and then I trust my partner to take that into account. I explain my reasoning (that I think porn contributes to women's continued inequality) and leave it to my partner to behave ethically. I'm aware that my partner probably still occasionally looks at porn, that he definitely checks out other women, but honestly, I check out other men, too. I know that when I do it, it's harmless. So when I feel insecure about him thinking about other women, I think about what it's like when I check out other men, and I acknowledge that in BOTH cases, it's harmless. I honestly put myself in his shoes, as charitably as possible, and realize he means no harm or infidelity by it. Then I try not to think about it anymore. It's just human reality that we've all got wandering eyeballs, but you have to put it in perspective. A partner is much more likely to stay with you if s/he knows that you will allow him or her to be a human being.

I don't mean this condescendingly, but if you're this paranoid and insecure, and so prone to violating the personal boundaries of others, it might be time speak with someone professionally. They might be able to help you with some of your lingering trust issues from your ex. You seem to have come by your issues honestly, but talking to someone might help you deal with the prior hurt and trust issues so that you can have a good relationship with your boyfriend.

[Sorry that this was so long, and sorry also that it came off pretty harsh. In the interest of disclosing the biased source from which this advice came: my ex-boyfriend pulled this kind of drama for the entirety of the two years I was with him. I became paranoid and hypervigilant in response, because I was constantly on guard against the next jealous, unprovoked explosion. The day I dumped him was the best day ever, because I am now free from his craziness.]

Every word of this.

 

[dayknee]

/sighs...
I KNOW what my faults are and I know where they come from. I don't have unrealistic expectations of a relationship ie; he will never look at women again. But I do have boundaries where going into areas that are XXX are inappropriate and should not done. Specifically since we have discussed it and he made it clear he does not do that kind of stuff.
I am not jealous of the thought that he see's women's breasts that would make me stupid as I definitly look at other men in a harmless way.
What I am upset and bothered by is that he DID go in there when he said he would not and that he DID post when he said he didn't.
Of course I am aware that I have issues regarding my previous marriage and feeling insecure. Try having your husband addicted to porn and never touching you.
I had never snooped before on anyone until it became clear that my ex husband was doing something and after that it became habit to spy often. I realize that the affects of my spying are painful.
But I don't think that I am creating all the pain for myself. Yes I have left over hurt inside, feeling that I was not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough etc..that kind of thing is hard to get over. Especially when I thought my marriage would be forever.
I am working so hard to not allow my ex's past crap interfere with my relationship now.
I am just mad that my current boyfriend makes statements that he does not do that ( I am not talking simply looking at women but the porn)
I do not think you were being harsh..my skin is fairly thick and I respect any and all thoughts, advice, and/or opinions.
I want to make it clear that I KNOW men look at women. I look at men. I just don't go into crap sites to do it...specifically if I say I would NEVER do that..that is why I am angry.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

If you haven't noticed, there is a whole section on this forum devoted to pornography addiction. It's a much wider problem than you might think, and yes, it can effect peoples real life active sexual lives if they let it.

The thing is, porn has become so available to people that it can be a huge temptation. In other words, it's becoming normal in a lot of peoples' every day life.