Anger!!!

[river82]

I'm angry. Lately i've been $)(*&@ angry all the time. I keep swearing in my mind. Alot. It's not good. Every now and then, out of the abundance of my heart, my mouth speaks, and i always pull myself up cos if i let myself go i'll end up sounding like a heathen.

Alot of confusion and anger, i don't really know what to say or who to talk to, i don't know a healthy way of expressing or dealing with my anger and i feel like punching walls again.


The anger goes deeper than the surface stuff, but i'm angry about the shame and condemnation i feel, especially when someone says or does something that taps into it. I'm angry that i feel like a little girl and i assume that position when people call me "hun" and "sweetie", even people younger than me. I hate it. I feel like i have to validate myself all the time. I feel like my fuse gets shorter and shorter, i seem to snap quicker than before, and i brood alot.

 

[madison1101]

Are you in therapy? Have you been diagnosed with BPD? What skills have you learned to cope with anger? Skills can be learned in psychotherapy.

I used to be that angry, but have worked through a great deal of it. I have a great therapist.

 

[river82]

I have been in therapy. All kinds of therapy. Psychotherapists/psychologists/psychiatrists/counsellors. I saw a psychotherapist for two years who told me i had traits of this and traits of that, one of those things being BPD. I don't know if that means i have BPD or if i have traits of BPD but not enough to actually be diagnosed with it. Either way, i attribute some of my ongoing struggles with BPD.

After that, i was in a rehab place for a year, and i really had to hold back, bite my tongue, suck it up, "exercise the fruit of self-control". I snapped a couple of times and got into trouble. One of those times, i was even provoked by my counsellor, over and over again. She accused me of this bogus stuff. I kept holding back, responding, keeping my voice down, not talking over her, just trying to be calm, and i could feel it coming on just before i snapped at her. But i still took full responsibility.

I can't say i've ever been taught a healthy way to manage it. I've always just done my best to hold it all in, cos it wasn't safe to express it in any form. I think that's why i started self harming.

I'm gonna start seeing a Christian psychologist next week, and i'm feeling quite hopeful about it.

 

[madison1101]

I have been in therapy. All kinds of therapy. Psychotherapists/psychologists/psychiatrists/counsellors. I saw a psychotherapist for two years who told me i had traits of this and traits of that, one of those things being BPD. I don't know if that means i have BPD or if i have traits of BPD but not enough to actually be diagnosed with it. Either way, i attribute some of my ongoing struggles with BPD.

After that, i was in a rehab place for a year, and i really had to hold back, bite my tongue, suck it up, "exercise the fruit of self-control". I snapped a couple of times and got into trouble. One of those times, i was even provoked by my counsellor, over and over again. She accused me of this bogus stuff. I kept holding back, responding, keeping my voice down, not talking over her, just trying to be calm, and i could feel it coming on just before i snapped at her. But i still took full responsibility.

I can't say i've ever been taught a healthy way to manage it. I've always just done my best to hold it all in, cos it wasn't safe to express it in any form. I think that's why i started self harming.

I'm gonna start seeing a Christian psychologist next week, and i'm feeling quite hopeful about it.

A cognitive therapist can help you find your core beliefs and dispute those beliefs, if they are faulty, with more realistic truths about yourself.

You can also learn self-soothing skills for when you get angry. Practice these skills every day to help you maintain a sense of calm. For self-soothing I deep breath, exercise, journal, listen to classical music and pray. I do it everyday, whether I need it or not. Then, when I need it, I do one of those things to calm down. It does work if you use it.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[ExtremeDays]

I'm angry. Lately i've been $)(*&@ angry all the time. I keep swearing in my mind. Alot. It's not good. Every now and then, out of the abundance of my heart, my mouth speaks, and i always pull myself up cos if i let myself go i'll end up sounding like a heathen.

Alot of confusion and anger, i don't really know what to say or who to talk to, i don't know a healthy way of expressing or dealing with my anger and i feel like punching walls again.


The anger goes deeper than the surface stuff, but i'm angry about the shame and condemnation i feel, especially when someone says or does something that taps into it. I'm angry that i feel like a little girl and i assume that position when people call me "hun" and "sweetie", even people younger than me. I hate it. I feel like i have to validate myself all the time. I feel like my fuse gets shorter and shorter, i seem to snap quicker than before, and i brood alot.

Anger can be like a complicated web, at least it is for me.When I became a Christian I was delivered of a lot of things instantly (or very soon after).Anger has been tougher.Years ago I was delivered of feelings of rage after prayer by other Christians during revival services.At the same time, or just before, I had reached my limit with myself and this problem, and truely had enough. I think these two things work together.​

Going to a Christian psychologist/counselor could help, but the Bible says to examine ourselves.Through the help of the Holy Spirit try to understand where your feelings of shame and condemnation stem from. You already have wisdom in sensing that these are some roots of your anger.​

you said

I feel like i have to validate myself all the time.

. I can understand that, been there myself.
I think you could study and think about who you are in Christ and what He thinks of you - not what others do or have thought of you, or even how you feel about yourself sometimes.​

In having someone to talk to, God is the best listener. This is something that has really helped me. Just go to God and pour your heart out, vent unload...sometimes I don't even say anything because God knows the groanings of our soul...you can just cry-He won't use it against you. ​

God wants us to learn we don't always need to go to someone else (or even wish we could) for support. That ultimately His support is sufficient. It's nice if other support is there, but if it isn't we don't have to crumble and fall apart -or hurt ourselves.​

That is so the devil, there you are hurting and the devil (some spirit) lies to us and tells us to do something to hurt ourselves or do something reckless to take away the pain/etc. but it only will make things worse and hurt us even more.​

You've been hurt, you feel hurt,... so you hurt yourself more, that sure is demonic logic...so then he gets even happier that you are destroying yourself more. I think of it as giving the enemy more to gloat over,,,,realizing and remembering this when I am hurting and considering doing something "stupid" has helped me to stop myself. Why allow the devil (or any one else for that matter) to take anything else from you??? We ourselves can cut the cycle off.
O.k. if someone did or said something wrong to us, that was bad but it doesn't have to continue on in our "psyche" it doesn't have to keep resonating like an echo.​

That was something else, you mentioned about your thoughts.
The word tells us to "be transformed by the renewing of our mind", to cast down vain imaginations and things that would exalt itself against the knowledge of God, and bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. God tells us to think upon things that are good etc., Through the Holy Spirit and the Word you can get control of your thoughts- which influence and feed your feelings, which can bring about actions or saying the wrong things.​

This is something that has worked in my life, I just don't let my mind go to certain places anymore. If something wrong tries to enter my thinking, I resist it, think of something good, and/or go do something of value. I also try not to watch listen to or read things that will feed wrong (unbiblical) thinking. If my feelings are involved, I pray and leave it with God.​

It could help to do a word study on anger, look in a concordance for all the verses on anger and memorize some, to meditate on them.
"Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry"
This is a verse I've been remembering lately.
I think this one might be talking about how it's wrong that when we are being self-centered we can become impatient with others (which can lead to anger).​

Also being a part of a Bible believing Spirit-Filled church is a support too. I know, some people would say the church doesn't have to be a "Spirit filled" (Charismatic) church. However, I know this has made a difference in my life over the years.Being regularly in a place where you can sense the presence and power of God helps a lot. I know many a time I walked into a service with a wrong attitude and came out different (and not just by what was preached but through the worship and/or just the presence God moving in that place). Sometimes we need the supernatural power of God working through others to help get our breakthough.​

This makes me think of another experience I had that might relate:
When I first got saved, I knew there was evil/ something of the devil working in my life. I knew I needed some kind of help.I had turned on Christian radio and found out about a Minith-Myer/ Steven Arterburn place of Christian counseling. I called looking for help, and shared part of my situation and they wanted to set something up. However, it would cost me about $300 for one session. That was even more than the secular psychologist I went to charged! After I hung up I cried out to God, I wanted help but I couldn't afford that $. Plus, I think they really didn't believe about the presence of evil I had felt in my life (demonic- only I didn't know what to call it at that point, I had just read Scott Pecks "the People Of the Lie"-which isn't a Christian book by the way). I was sincere and God knew that, right away He led me to a Christian Bible study/prayer group where people there had different gifts and understood things happening in the spirit. They had me renounce different things like my involvement in the occult and other sinful practices.They broke generational curses over me, and they led me in prayers and deliverance by the discernment of the Holy Spirit ( not a man made manual) and I was delivered of many things. Praise God!!! And all for free too ​

I share that in hopes you will stay open to God bringing changes in your life supernaturally as well.

Anyway, may the Lord continue to be your strength on your journey with God. ​

 

[river82]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. They helped and encouraged me.

I have started seeing someone again. A Christian psychologist. I have a good feeling about her, i really feel like i'm gonna get somewhere. She does alot of cognotive, which is good for anger and anxiety (my main issues at the moment). She's still getting to know me, but we've been talking about some possible future strategies, and other things i've found helpful in the past.

Since i wrote this email, God brought about some demonic deliverance. And since the deliverance, i don't think self-harm has even crossed my mind, and my head isn't full of swear words. Every now and then i swear in my mind, but i always pull myself up cos i don't wanna give myself room for stuff that's not honouring God. Renewing the mind is a big job!

There is a question that's come up as i've been trying to deal with my anger. What does "owning your feelings" mean? I've read the Boundaries book (i wanna read it again, it was so good), and from what i understand, feelings are indicators. Others aren't responsible for our feelings, but if we feel anger or resentment, it's could be an indication that someone is crossing a boundary.

So here's my dilemma:

Say, i have a problem with one of my housemates. I go shopping, and within a few days, i notice she's been eating my food. A bit here, a chunk there, a packet over there...you know how it is. Now i'm a generous person, but i find myself feeling resentful when i find my milk carton feels alot lighter, or someone's been into my cereal. My preference is that they get their own food, if they want some sugar or a teabag or some oil, they can use a bit of mine, but go get some within the next few days.

But instead, i don't tell them i'm angry, because my anger is my problem, and if i tell them i'm angry and why i'm angry, i might come across like i'm blaming them for my anger (which i kind of am), and they would arc up at me and explain stuff away, and start pointing fingers at me for things they don't like about me that i do, as to neutralise the situation. That stuff makes me more angry cos they can't just take responsibility.

This has happened a couple of times, but it's mostly a fear of what might happen cos i've grown up with this kind of dysfunction (actually it was much worse than this) so i have a fear of expressing my anger because i'm scared it will provoke their anger, and i'm scared of other people's anger. But if i don't express it, i'll keep getting angry about something i'm not telling them i'm angry about.

Catch 22.

This is only an example. An example i face sometimes living in sharehouse, but one of many things i feel anger about.

I feel anger when i think someone's taking advantage of me, of my niceness, of my unlikelihood of saying or doing anything about it.​

 

[madison1101]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. They helped and encouraged me.​

I have started seeing someone again. A Christian psychologist. I have a good feeling about her, i really feel like i'm gonna get somewhere. She does alot of cognotive, which is good for anger and anxiety (my main issues at the moment). She's still getting to know me, but we've been talking about some possible future strategies, and other things i've found helpful in the past.​

Since i wrote this email, God brought about some demonic deliverance. And since the deliverance, i don't think self-harm has even crossed my mind, and my head isn't full of swear words. Every now and then i swear in my mind, but i always pull myself up cos i don't wanna give myself room for stuff that's not honouring God. Renewing the mind is a big job!​

There is a question that's come up as i've been trying to deal with my anger. What does "owning your feelings" mean? I've read the Boundaries book (i wanna read it again, it was so good), and from what i understand, feelings are indicators. Others aren't responsible for our feelings, but if we feel anger or resentment, it's could be an indication that someone is crossing a boundary.​

So here's my dilemma:​

Say, i have a problem with one of my housemates. I go shopping, and within a few days, i notice she's been eating my food. A bit here, a chunk there, a packet over there...you know how it is. Now i'm a generous person, but i find myself feeling resentful when i find my milk carton feels alot lighter, or someone's been into my cereal. My preference is that they get their own food, if they want some sugar or a teabag or some oil, they can use a bit of mine, but go get some within the next few days. ​

But instead, i don't tell them i'm angry, because my anger is my problem, and if i tell them i'm angry and why i'm angry, i might come across like i'm blaming them for my anger (which i kind of am), and they would arc up at me and explain stuff away, and start pointing fingers at me for things they don't like about me that i do, as to neutralise the situation. That stuff makes me more angry cos they can't just take responsibility.​

This has happened a couple of times, but it's mostly a fear of what might happen cos i've grown up with this kind of dysfunction (actually it was much worse than this) so i have a fear of expressing my anger because i'm scared it will provoke their anger, and i'm scared of other people's anger. But if i don't express it, i'll keep getting angry about something i'm not telling them i'm angry about. ​

Catch 22.​

This is only an example. An example i face sometimes living in sharehouse, but one of many things i feel anger about. ​

I feel anger when i think someone's taking advantage of me, of my niceness, of my unlikelihood of saying or doing anything about it.​

Ask your therapist about learning to speak assertively about your issues with your housemates. I was in treatment for my eating disorder, and we learned to speak using "I" statements.

Example: "I feel angry when my food is taken and not replaced. I wish you would replace food you take that is not yours." In this way of speaking, you are expressing your feelings appropriately, and not blaming the person, but their behavior, for the problem. It takes practice, but it helps tremendously.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs,
Trish