Anger

[madison1101]

How is yelling at a child when she's out of traffic protecting her from danger? The danger is passed by then. Yelling is a strong emotion which makes an impression in the mind. If a spouse does you wrong and you calmly say, 'I'm mad about blah blah blah.' It makes a different impression than saying, 'You dirty stinking... If I'd have known you were a no good lying... I never would have married your sorry...'

Now using the first choice is a good way to get a spouse to politley disregard you while the second is going to get their attention which may motivate them to change their evil ways. Of course everyone is different but I find judicious use of strong emotion very powerful in maintaining a healthy marriage.

It works the other way too. I tell my wife I love her several times every day and give her a quick kiss. But sometimes I'll say something like I love you so much baby!, and give her a deep kiss.

Yelling is not an emotion, it is a behavior. It is considered inappropriate by most mature people I know. It is unacceptable in my house, and my kids do not do it with their spouses or fiancees. Uncivilized people call names and yell at people when they are angry. Mature, rational people do not.

What I described to the OP is a method of assertive communication taught by therapists and I was taught it in a group I participated in at one time. There is a difference between assertive communication and destructive communication.

Your suggestion flies in the face of the Bible. Scripture in Ephesians says "Let no unwholesome talk proceed out of your mouth, only that which is edifying." What you describe is neither wholesome nor edifying.

 

[cjba]

What makes my situation so difficult is that my husband cotinues to live in our home. How does one bare the costant rejection from someone you still love. How does one let go?

 

[madison1101]

What makes my situation so difficult is that my husband cotinues to live in our home. How does one bare the costant rejection from someone you still love. How does one let go?

My husband and I lived together for six months prior to his moving out. That was more painful than when he was gone. Work on doing things you enjoy with friends. Get involved in a women's Bible study at church, or find one nearby. Take a class. Get out of the house and do something that will help you get out of yourself.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Autumnleaf]

What makes my situation so difficult is that my husband cotinues to live in our home. How does one bare the costant rejection from someone you still love. How does one let go?

Move his stuff out when he's gone and change the locks. Tell him you're through with his nonsense and he can go live with his nasty pals until he grows back up into the man you married. It takes a strong reason for someone to change what they are doing.

 

[okiemommy26]

Move his stuff out when he's gone and change the locks. Tell him you're through with his nonsense and he can go live with his nasty pals until he grows back up into the man you married. It takes a strong reason for someone to change what they are doing.

For once I am going to agree with you. If your husband is being that away then tell him to leave and that he does not deserve to live there if he is going to reject you all the time. There is only so much a person can take. Maybe then he will wake up and smell the coffee.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Yelling is not an emotion, it is a behavior. It is considered inappropriate by most mature people I know. It is unacceptable in my house, and my kids do not do it with their spouses or fiancees. Uncivilized people call names and yell at people when they are angry. Mature, rational people do not.

What I described to the OP is a method of assertive communication taught by therapists and I was taught it in a group I participated in at one time. There is a difference between assertive communication and destructive communication.

Your suggestion flies in the face of the Bible. Scripture in Ephesians says "Let no unwholesome talk proceed out of your mouth, only that which is edifying." What you describe is neither wholesome nor edifying.

If assertive communication taught by therapists is so great, how come our friend here is no better now than she was when all this started?

Jesus and God both had and showed righteous anger at different times as I've mentioned already. If that makes them uncivilized, immature, or irrational in your mind, so be it. I find myself in fine company.

 

[madison1101]

If assertive communication taught by therapists is so great, how come our friend here is no better now than she was when all this started?

Jesus and God both had and showed righteous anger at different times as I've mentioned already. If that makes them uncivilized, immature, or irrational in your mind, so be it. I find myself in fine company.

Jesus was the only one capable of righteous anger. The OP is not in a worse situation because of assertive communication. She is in a worse situation because her husband is not cooperating.

Scripture is clear. Be angry but don't sin. Jesus was the example when he was taken to be crucified. He was humble and did not return their inappropriate behavior with inappropriate behavior. I will not advocate anyone yelling at anyone.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Jesus was the only one capable of righteous anger. The OP is not in a worse situation because of assertive communication. She is in a worse situation because her husband is not cooperating.

Scripture is clear. Be angry but don't sin. Jesus was the example when he was taken to be crucified. He was humble and did not return their inappropriate behavior with inappropriate behavior. I will not advocate anyone yelling at anyone.

Everyone is capable of righteous anger if someone wrongs them and they don't deserve it. If I'm wrong about this go ahead and dust off your Bible and actually quote something in support of your position.

Are you suggesting Jesus died like he did so he could show us an example of not yelling at people? Again, show where the Bible says yelling at someone is wrong.

I don't know where you came up with this idea of everyone ideally behaving like a docile stepford wife but frankly I find it offensive.

 

[madison1101]

Everyone is capable of righteous anger if someone wrongs them and they don't deserve it. If I'm wrong about this go ahead and dust off your Bible and actually quote something in support of your position.

Are you suggesting Jesus died like he did so he could show us an example of not yelling at people? Again, show where the Bible says yelling at someone is wrong.

I don't know where you came up with this idea of everyone ideally behaving like a docile stepford wife but frankly I find it offensive.

I am not advocating a Stepford existance. I am advocating honest, assertive communication. Yelling is wrong, just plain wrong. A Stepford wife would not assertively communicate anything.

Please tell me how much research you have done in psychology and human relations? I am fascinated by your supposed expertise on this subject.

Given the fact that I am trained and work in the mental health field, I think I know what I am talking about. What are your qualifications?

 

[c1ners]

What makes my situation so difficult is that my husband cotinues to live in our home. How does one bare the costant rejection from someone you still love. How does one let go?

cjba, when will the divorce be final? It isn't fair to you or the children to have him in the house while the divorce is going on. There's just too much friction, stress, pain, anger, ect. ect....

He needs to understand that by him staying there he is not only hurting you, but the children as well. They can sense the friction between the two of you. They see and hear probably more than you think they do, and this is not good for them.

As for the anger? It's normal sweetie. You've been so strong so far. You really should be proud of yourself. There is nothing wrong with being angry, and you really shouldn't hold it in. For your sake. Let him know how you feel. There's nothing wrong with that. There's a right way and a wrong way for everything. Getting angry is not sinful nor wrong if you do it the right way. Don't threaten him, and don't swear at him. Yelling, screaming, and crying are good ways to get the anger out. Throw something if you have to. Just not at him, because he could use that against you as abuse.

I just want you to know that you're still in my prayers. I'm sorry things didn't work out.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I am not advocating a Stepford existance. I am advocating honest, assertive communication. Yelling is wrong, just plain wrong. A Stepford wife would not assertively communicate anything.

Please tell me how much research you have done in psychology and human relations? I am fascinated by your supposed expertise on this subject.

Given the fact that I am trained and work in the mental health field, I think I know what I am talking about. What are your qualifications?

Yelling is honest assertive communication.

Worked 4 years at an upper class restaurant in high school, minored in psych, studied NLP, married 12 years, 7 children, served as a US Marine 4 years with people from all over the country where I was promoted quickly, served time as a Pastor's assistant in closed door meetings where I worked with all kinds of religious leaders who met the religious needs of Marines, currently work retail with hard to please customers who tend to send their friends my way to trade with me.

Given the fact that I see the effects of many people self medicating with alcohol as well as using lots of prescription sedatives/anti-depressants I'd venture to guess there is a high price to be paid for a politically correct society. In Russia they use vodka. Here we have more options.

 

[madison1101]

Yelling is honest assertive communication.

Worked 4 years at an upper class restaurant in high school, minored in psych, studied NLP, married 12 years, 7 children, served as a US Marine 4 years with people from all over the country where I was promoted quickly, served time as a Pastor's assistant in closed door meetings where I worked with all kinds of religious leaders who met the religious needs of Marines, currently work retail with hard to please customers who tend to send their friends my way to trade with me.

Given the fact that I see the effects of many people self medicating with alcohol as well as using lots of prescription sedatives/anti-depressants I'd venture to guess there is a high price to be paid for a politically correct society. In Russia they use vodka. Here we have more options.

Yelling is destructive to the people being yelled at. It is inappropriate communication in families. To advocate it is to advocate harm to the recipients of the yelling. It is not assertive. Assertive communication does no harm to its recipients. It builds.

How much do you advocate obedience to scriptures?

Ephesians 4: 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Do you disagree with scripture? Yelling is unwholesome talk. It does not build up anyone. It does not benefit those who listen. It has malice in it.

 

[cjba]

Yelling does not get anyone anywhere. Unfortunetly we have done this on one occassion since all the mess started. Believe me I did not feel any better after. I actually felt worse because I said things that I would of never said if I would of calmed down first.

The anger is not as strong as it was in the past few days. I decided I would not let him have this advantage over me is controlling how I feel. Right now for some reason I have peace.

Thanks for the advise.

God Bless

 

[cjba]

c1ners,

We have a court date November 7th for mediation. then on November 20th we have a trial. From what I understand the divorce will be final 6 months after our last court date. I don't know if there will be any extensions inbetween. I have heard of people attending mediation up to 5 times.

The odd thing is my husband met me for lunch yesterday. He did very little talking and avoided eye contact at times. It still surprised me that he met me.

He does not understand how difficult it is here with him in the home. He thinks the children are 100% fine. He is in denial even though he is the one telling me. I think he does want the divorce but is afraid to let go of everything else he has.

 

[jessesgirl]

For ONCE I agree with Autumnleaf (not good at the quotes so I will cut and paste).

Originally Posted by Autumnleaf
Move his stuff out when he's gone and change the locks. Tell him you're through with his nonsense and he can go live with his nasty pals until he grows back up into the man you married. It takes a strong reason for someone to change what they are doing.

Haven't you already filed for divorce? You should have been given the option to say that you stay in the house while you all are seperated. If you haven't, do it. He is there so that you will leave and he will get the house, but that is WRONG. The state that you live in will determine whether or not you can do as Autumnleaf suggested. I know here, in the state of Texas, you can't do that. When I worked at the police department, I can't tell you how many times we had to go over and let the husband back in after the wife locked him out, because texas is a community property state, so I would check state laws but if you are able to do that, go for it. Prayin for ya, sis!

 

[cjba]

Same here in California. I can't get him out of the house legally.

Right now I am angry because I found more porn dvd's. I am beginning to think this is his new thing. I don't know if I am over reacting to this. But I am disgusted, upset, and disapointed.

I need for him to leave so I can begin to heal.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Yelling is destructive to the people being yelled at. It is inappropriate communication in families. To advocate it is to advocate harm to the recipients of the yelling. It is not assertive. Assertive communication does no harm to its recipients. It builds.

How much do you advocate obedience to scriptures?

Ephesians 4: 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Do you disagree with scripture? Yelling is unwholesome talk. It does not build up anyone. It does not benefit those who listen. It has malice in it.

Yelling at someone can save their life if it motivates them not to do illegal drugs, to take life saving drugs, not to drive drunk, or not jump off of a high building. People who yell all the time for no reason have anger issues and should probably get help.

Unwholesome talk can be a character assassinating whispered rumor. As for getting rid of bitterness, rage, and anger... and other forms of malice, I can't think of many better ways of doing it than confronting the person you have a beef with and hashing it out. Even if voices raise to yelling its better than a quiet insidious grudge held quietly in the heart for years.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Same here in California. I can't get him out of the house legally.

Right now I am angry because I found more porn dvd's. I am beginning to think this is his new thing. I don't know if I am over reacting to this. But I am disgusted, upset, and disapointed.

I need for him to leave so I can begin to heal.

Have you considered watching them with him while the children are asleep/gone? It is usually noble to take a stand against what is wrong; however, sometimes walking beside someone in their shoes gets you farther than condemning them. Jesus condemned the Pharisees who were responsible to teach others right from wrong, they knew better and led others astray so they got little mercy. Jesus also typically shared agreeable company with sinners, while not sinning himself. He set a good example amongst sin by not indulging in it.

 

[GodsGrace87]

Jesus fellowshipped with sinners but he never participated in their sin with them.

Please quote the scripture that would suggest that she join him in sin and defile her mind and cause herself to lust in her heart.

Have you considered watching them with him while the children are asleep/gone? It is usually noble to take a stand against what is wrong; however, sometimes walking beside someone in their shoes gets you farther than condemning them. Jesus condemned the Pharisees who were responsible to teach others right from wrong, they knew better and led others astray so they got little mercy. Jesus also typically shared agreeable company with sinners, while not sinning himself. He set a good example amongst sin by not indulging in it.

 

[madison1101]

Have you considered watching them with him while the children are asleep/gone? It is usually noble to take a stand against what is wrong; however, sometimes walking beside someone in their shoes gets you farther than condemning them. Jesus condemned the Pharisees who were responsible to teach others right from wrong, they knew better and led others astray so they got little mercy. Jesus also typically shared agreeable company with sinners, while not sinning himself. He set a good example amongst sin by not indulging in it.

Are you suggesting that she sin with her husband just because he chooses to sin? That is not going to help her in the least. Pornography is sin, and Jesus never participated in the sins of the people He was ministeriing to. Scripture says "Be ye holy as I am holy." Holy means set apart for God. Porn is not holy, but vulgar sinful stuff.

Are you a believer in Jesus Christ, because your replies are anything but Spirit led.