Andy Stanley's definition of marriage--true?

[miss-a]

Deleted due to inabilty to explain clearly. Thanks anyway.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well all marriages we want to be nice and perfect often. But you have to go into it knowing it won't be perfect and there will be times where you won't want to sacrifice during trials. Its why there are common sayings like "A marriage is a union of two good forgivers!".

More importantly is what we do after the fight, because that determines the future of the marriage.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Just curious. I recently watched Andy Stanley and he quickly defined marriage as two people agreeing to sacrifice (my word not his, can't recall his exact terminology) for each other and then arguing about it for the rest of their lives.

What he meant was like this, "We'll do it the way you like. We did it my way the last time."

"No, no, I insist we do it your way."

"No, I really want us to have it your way."

Now, I get that many, if not most, marriages are not that way. My question is, however, couldn't they be? Shouldn't they be? Is it really that unrealistic to think we could marry someone with the intent to be nice to them and keep it that way?

Umm...I would disagree with this. We've been married forever and quit arguing (fighting) about 5 years in. We tend to agree on most things and the things we don't agree about aren't the hill I want to die on.

 

[Inkachu]

Just curious. I recently watched Andy Stanley and he quickly defined marriage as two people agreeing to sacrifice (my word not his, can't recall his exact terminology) for each other and then arguing about it for the rest of their lives.

What he meant was like this, "We'll do it the way you like. We did it my way the last time."

"No, no, I insist we do it your way."

"No, I really want us to have it your way."

Now, I get that many, if not most, marriages are not that way. My question is, however, couldn't they be? Shouldn't they be? Is it really that unrealistic to think we could marry someone with the intent to be nice to them and keep it that way?

Sadly, way too many people and relationships are like this (my mother is a major "are you sure? are you sure? we could do it this way if you want, are you sure?" person). While it may seem like you're being thoughtul or obliging, if you can't settle on what to do within one or two sentences, something is wrong. You're either constantly worried about offending the other person, or coming across as demanding, or both.

You should both be able to ask anything, and say what you mean, and come to a conclusion, without hesitation, word games, or excessive questioning. If you're going in circles with this "What do you REALLY want?" stuff, you need to back up and reassess your communication skills with each other.

 

[Purge187]

Umm...I would disagree with this. We've been married forever and quit arguing (fighting) about 5 years in. We tend to agree on most things and the things we don't agree about aren't the hill I want to die on.

You and your wife are proof that Andy has a point.

When you get married, you cleave unto each other, not only physically, but also in terms of yielding your wills to each other. As they say, marriage is work and a process.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

You and your wife are proof that Andy has a point.

When you get married, you cleave unto each other, not only physically, but also in terms of yielding your wills to each other. As they say, marriage is work and a process.

That would be my husband. We gave up arguing. It served no useful purpose.

 

[miss-a]

Sadly, way too many people and relationships are like this (my mother is a major "are you sure? are you sure? we could do it this way if you want, are you sure?" person). While it may seem like you're being thoughtul or obliging, if you can't settle on what to do within one or two sentences, something is wrong. You're either constantly worried about offending the other person, or coming across as demanding, or both.

You should both be able to ask anything, and say what you mean, and come to a conclusion, without hesitation, word games, or excessive questioning. If you're going in circle with this "What do you REALLY want?" stuff, you need to back up and reassess your communication skills with each other.

Oh, no. I probably did Andy an injustice with my brief explanation. He meant it in a good way. Not real arguments, just that the two would so much want to serve and please the other that they would insist on what they thought was best for the other.

So that's really my question. Is anyone doing that anymore.

 

[willlowbee]

Just curious. I recently watched Andy Stanley and he quickly defined marriage as two people agreeing to sacrifice (my word not his, can't recall his exact terminology) for each other and then arguing about it for the rest of their lives.

I'd feel sorry for his wife if he said anything like that.
Though in fairness he could be reflecting on what he experienced in watching his father, Charles Stanley, and his mother fight. And that experience and the coming rift when CS divorced his mother could be what colors his perspective today.

I'm newly married and I can give you my perspective.

Marriage is when two individuals join together to bring two separate personalities and world views into alignment so as to navigate the future world together. Each one bringing their unique perspective, their unique strengths, and weaknesses that are then supported by the others strength, into a relationship that helps each one learn to be better people together.

It's not a sacrifice, its a concession. A yielding when necessary that realizes one of the two may have more experience so as to know which way to go when that certain challenge facing the both of us requires one or the other of us to step forward first and lead through the challenge.
Sometimes I follow her. She has more experience in some areas than I do and her council is invaluable. And she would tell you the same with regard to me.

Marriage is a partnership. To succeed it requires you are friends first. That you trust each other with your life. And that you are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, navigate everything that challenges your resolve in that, and make a better life for yourself and each other.

 

[Inkachu]

Oh, no. I probably did Andy an injustice with my brief explanation. He meant it in a good way. Not real arguments, just that the two would so much want to serve and please the other that they would insist on what they thought was best for the other.

So that's really my question. Is anyone doing that anymore.

But if you're insisting on what YOU think is best for the other person.. it's not really about them at all, is it? It's about you getting what you want

 

[miss-a]

I'd feel sorry for his wife if he said anything like that.
Though in fairness he could be reflecting on what he experienced in watching his father, Charles Stanley, and his mother fight. And that experience and the coming rift when CS divorced his mother could be what colors his perspective today.

I'm newly married and I can give you my perspective.

Marriage is when two individuals join together to bring two separate personalities and world views into alignment so as to navigate the future world together. Each one bringing their unique perspective, their unique strengths, and weaknesses that are then supported by the others strength, into a relationship that helps each one learn to be better people together.

It's not a sacrifice, its a concession. A yielding when necessary that realizes one of the two may have more experience so as to know which way to go when that certain challenge facing the both of us requires one or the other of us to step forward first and lead through the challenge.
Sometimes I follow her. She has more experience in some areas than I do and her council is invaluable. And she would tell you the same with regard to me.

Marriage is a partnership. To succeed it requires you are friends first. That you trust each other with your life. And that you are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, navigate everything that challenges your resolve in that, and make a better life for yourself and each other.

I guess I've still failed to communicate my meaning. Sorry about that. He didn't mean arguing with his wife. He was being facetious when using the word argue. He meant that two people would spend the rest of their lives trying to serve and please the other. No reason to feel sorry for his wife if she gets to spend her life with a man with goals like that!

Also, deleting OP since it's obviously not clear.

 

[miss-a]

But if you're insisting on what YOU think is best for the other person.. it's not really about them at all, is it? It's about you getting what you want

No, not insisting on what I think is best, but insisting on what I know they like. You guys, that's not a bad thing!

 

[miss-a]

I'd feel sorry for his wife if he said anything like that.
Though in fairness he could be reflecting on what he experienced in watching his father, Charles Stanley, and his mother fight. And that experience and the coming rift when CS divorced his mother could be what colors his perspective today.

I'm newly married and I can give you my perspective.

Marriage is when two individuals join together to bring two separate personalities and world views into alignment so as to navigate the future world together. Each one bringing their unique perspective, their unique strengths, and weaknesses that are then supported by the others strength, into a relationship that helps each one learn to be better people together.

It's not a sacrifice, its a concession. A yielding when necessary that realizes one of the two may have more experience so as to know which way to go when that certain challenge facing the both of us requires one or the other of us to step forward first and lead through the challenge.
Sometimes I follow her. She has more experience in some areas than I do and her council is invaluable. And she would tell you the same with regard to me.

Marriage is a partnership. To succeed it requires you are friends first. That you trust each other with your life. And that you are willing to do whatever it takes to stay together, navigate everything that challenges your resolve in that, and make a better life for yourself and each other.

FYI Charles Stanley did not divorce his wife. He finally conceded to allow it after many years of trying to save the marriage to a woman he still loves. And since we weren't there it's probably best we not hash this one out. I didn't start this thread to bash this family. Andy Stanley was saying a good thing. My question was are people in marriage trying to do that good thing. I'm sorry I wasn't clear.

 

[miss-a]

Mods, would you please delete this thread. It was not meant to be a bad thing and it is turning out to be.

Thank you,
a

 

[miss-a]

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[Kristen.NewCreation]

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This thread has been closed at the OP request.

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