An Autumn Poem

[Rainbow.]

We walked and crunched the leaves below,
Singing and laughing along as we go.
God thought of everything when he created the days,
From winters white snow, to the hot sunshine rays
Today is my favourite all windy and cold,
The clouds threaten rain so grey and so bold.
We jump in great puddles and splash with such lust,
The squirrels chase us for our big bag full of nuts!
So thank you my Lord, for this great autumn day,
For the fun and the joy we had while at play! ©

 

[discipleofWORD]

I feel like I'm reading one of Poe's poem or something. When you read it aloud, it just seems to flow. The poem's beat is well constructed. Good job at making it rhytme and flow!

Daniel Kim

 

[yakkmeister]

The sentiment is nice; but the execution lacks.

Lust is not a positive attribute.
You have used it in a positive setting; this is a bad thing.

'Lust' and 'nuts' don't rhyme. not even obliquely.

Rhyming couplets have the distinct tendancy to sound trite: perhaps you should use a different structure?

Your rythm is passable; there are some good parts; some not so good.
Basically; each couplet has decent rythm within itself; but it all seems forced when put together as a whole.

Also: This is *nothing* like Poe.

 

[Rainbow.]

Wow Daniel what a beautiful thing to say! Thank you so much.
Yakkmeister. I like what I have written you seem to be one of those negative types to me, I didn't post my poem for any type of comment, I wrote it as I had a beautiful day with my daughter and I was just expressing that fact.
As for lust and nuts not rhyming, if you knew as much as you seem to think you do about poetry you will know that a poem doesn't have to rhyme!
And as I have a lust for life to me lust has the same meaning as zest it just depends in which context you use it!
*Dismounts for soap box with a perfect 380*
P.s have you ever heard the saying 'If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all!'
People post their poems to share with others not to be picked to piece by the likes of people like you!

 

[katelyn]

I think it's cute. I like the playfulness of the poem. Happy poems are good

I think sometimes people forget that not all writing is posted here for a critique. I think it's nice that you wanted to share it.

 

[Rainbow.]

Thanks katelyn, thats all i wanted was to share it with others.
I didnt want poll over it! lol
Having seen the poem that Yak wrote..... well i shall keep my comments to myself!

 

[yakkmeister]

Wow Daniel what a beautiful thing to say! Thank you so much.
Yakkmeister. I like what I have written you seem to be one of those negative types to me, I didn't post my poem for any type of comment, I wrote it as I had a beautiful day with my daughter and I was just expressing that fact.
As for lust and nuts not rhyming, if you knew as much as you seem to think you do about poetry you will know that a poem doesn't have to rhyme!
And as I have a lust for life to me lust has the same meaning as zest it just depends in which context you use it!
*Dismounts for soap box with a perfect 380*
P.s have you ever heard the saying 'If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all!'
People post their poems to share with others not to be picked to piece by the likes of people like you!

I did say that the sentiment was good.
Just because you like something does not mean it's good, or right or whatever.

As for poetry not rhyming;
You are correct; it doesn't have to.
Except where the internal structure of the poem demands it. You established a rhyme; you should have the professional integrity to continue it.

Your work shows potential; however, since you refuse to learn and take advice and critiques; so be it.

 

[yakkmeister]

Thanks katelyn, thats all i wanted was to share it with others.
I didnt want poll over it! lol
Having seen the poem that Yak wrote..... well i shall keep my comments to myself!

'what a sad negative person'

Get off your high horse.
Read my reviews of BenDare's poetry; he's good at it.

I will not pamper you because you 'like' your work.
I will not give any credit where it is not due.
I will not praise a poem when it isn't any good.
I will not be dishonest in critiques.

You don't like that?
Tough. Grow a spinal column and grow up.

Needless to say that an honest review, when not borne of malice, is the most helpful comment a writer can be given.

When a writer contiually gets comments saying how good their work is; they will believe that and never grow.
I try to help writers; not to crush egos under some fanciful fist of malignity, but to foster a critical eye, to help writers to get more out of there work.

The best review I ever got was one that said I was so bad my story should be printed on toiletpaper.

Yes it hurt. But I have grown because I was shown the flaws (and strengths) of my writing.

I you cannot see; how can you save from falling?

 

[Rainbow.]

Get a life you sad little person.
You seem to have ignored the fact that i said i did not post my poem for peoples comments
And having seen many of your posts its clearly obvious what kind of person you are
however i shall pray for you!
You seem to hate the world i read your post where you said someone should be shot
What kind of christian are you?

 

[yakkmeister]

Get a life you sad little person.
You seem to have ignored the fact that i said i did not post my poem for peoples comments
And having seen many of your posts its clearly obvious what kind of person you are
however i shall pray for you!
You seem to hate the world i read your post where you said someone should be shot
What kind of christian are you?

It is obvious that there is some gross miscommunication of ideas here.

The 'shot' thing was a joke.

If you didn't post for comments; why did you accept those comments offering blind praise?
You should reject those too. Perhaps you should simply post somewhere where comments cannot be addded to your work?

I am not 'little'. Gross generalisations get us nowhere.
I am neither sad, nor am I angry at the world.
Take a hint from St John and do not judge my salvation except on the basis of sin; which have I commeted?
thou shalt not critique a poem that is not open to suggestions?
thou shalt not make a joke in bad tase?

What kind of christian am I ?
Who are you that you can ask such a question?
Regardless; I shall answer.
I am the kind of Chritian who loves God, Christ and the Holy Spirit. The kind that will pick up peoples sunglasses that they dropped; returning them immediately even though they didn't realise they dropped them and it lengthens the time needed to get to work.
The kind that works for free to help feed the homeless, the kind that gives up personal recreation to help build the church. The kind who would give up an entire year preaching the gospel to school kids with a group who was less than supportive; because God said to.

 

[Rainbow.]

Erm whatever.....Goodbye now as i dont have time for this and if you hade read where i said"You seem to have ignored the fact that i said i did not post my poem for peoples comments" .
However im not going to be ignorant and ignore people on here as i havent ignored you.
However lets both show are selves to be good christians by bidding each other farewell. :Wave:
P.s If the shooting someone was a joke then its clear we share a very different S.O.H

 

[yakkmeister]

Erm whatever.....Goodbye now as i dont have time for this and if you hade read where i said"You seem to have ignored the fact that i said i did not post my poem for peoples comments" .
However im not going to be ignorant and ignore people on here as i havent ignored you.
However lets both show are selves to be good christians by bidding each other farewell. :Wave:
P.s If the shooting someone was a joke then its clear we share a very different S.O.H

Sorry, but all this personal attacking will do you no good.
I understand that you didn't post for comments: that was addressed in my reply.

 

[Rainbow.]

Bye then

 

[discipleofWORD]

WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!

Something is up here.... well ok... i kinda figure some dispute is going around here obviously. But this fight is growing a little larger and i don't think it's good to let it grow...it's like nuturing a tumor that is up to no good!

Yes, i admit sometimes critisim is important to grow. Just the way one approaches could offend another. I mean, it's good to tell someone "you got this and that", but be cautious when you approach someone's work. They get really sensitive and defensive about it!

This kind of crititism is used when both writers know each other WELL! yakkmeister, nice job helping other people with their work. But this advice you're giving out is too PREMATURE! It won't root well in the other writer because you don't know her very well(i assume). It's awesome you're helping other writers. Just try to be sensitive to one's feelings.

Rainbow., yes, critism seems harsh like bleak December maybe. But even though it may come in the hardest punch, be prepared for it. Out of nowhere someone would say something that would get you into "defensive mode".

Remember, be careful of another writer(especially when you don't know him/her well). And also, prepared for critism... a good writer takes this and uses it for good!

 

[Rainbow.]

Fair enough, points taken on board.
But im not a writer! lol
Im just a mum who was just having a bit of fun playing around with words after a nice day out with my daughter
If i knew such a major tear up would kick off i would'nt have bothered putting it up at all!" lol
Next time (.....If there ever is a next lol)
I will be more prepared for the backlash and advise
Peace out

 

[katelyn]

I agree. I think it needs to be taken into consideration that this is not some intensive writing forum...it's just one little section of a Christian forum. People of all ages and walks of life might post their work here. I think all writers are attached to their work, no matter what their level of professionalism. But those who are not seeking to be professionals would be quite shocked to receive such a blunt critique, when all they are trying to do is share their writing.

So I try to keep suggestions mainly for those who ask for them, and even then always try to put it in a positive manner, and just give little suggestions for improvement...because it doesn't do much good to give lots advice if you totally put off the writer to what you said. I also try to aim my advice at the level they are at (which can be hard to tell on a forum, granted)...I would give more strict advice to a 20- or 30-something who is seeking to publish their work in a magazine than I would to a 16-year-old who wrote a poem for fun.

yakkmeister, I have read some of the advice you have given and some of it I thought was quite good, so please don't take what I have said as a personal attack. I just think it's a good idea to consider where the writer you are critiquing is coming from and what their reaction might be to the things that you say.

 

[Rainbow.]

Right on sister!
*holds a white flag up*! lol

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Ephesians 4:29

I saw that on a friends pm to me and thought it was perfect

 

[James Sez]

I know very little about poetry but...nice poem Rain! I like the word "lust" because it's you babe-all the way. It's like "lust for life"

 

[katelyn]

That's right - there's more than one definition of lust. One is the negative, sexual one, and the other is enthusiam or eagerness.

 

[Rainbow.]

Thank You J, that's exactly how i feel!
And you Kate, we must have been posting at the same time!
I love that pic of your dog!