An Atheist's Position

[Wedjat]

I'm a little hazy about the rules, I've read the new statement of purpose and it seems non-married people may post questions here. I understand that this area is meant in support of unequally-yoked Christians in the context of marriage, but this seemed the only appropriate place to post my question and I think it could probably count as asking advice for a friend, though I come seeking advice for myself. If the moderators here believe that there is a more appropriate board for this thread, then please by all means move it, I apologize in advance if I cause any inconvenience.

My girlfriend of half a year now is very Catholic and I (obviously) am not. We both agreed that we were comfortable with the others religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and that we would not try to convert each other or anything of that sort. With time however it's becoming increasingly clear that she is not comfortable with my lack of faith and it's causing her a great deal of stress. Nearly all of our "arguments" have been because I am an atheist, and they are largely one sided. I generally stay quiet and let her talk, answering only direct questions and it usually ends up with her becoming upset because she asks me a question that she knows she doesn't want to know the answer to and I am forced to answer honestly. On the last disastrous occasion that I did argue, she ended up much more upset and I don't believe the issue was ever fully resolved.
Her close friends and family are also beginning to become an issue. A close older male friend of hers (who is a big father figure to her) pretty much did a spit take when she told him I was an atheist, and her best female friend flat out told her she couldn't date me and is now openly hostile to the mention of my name. Her mother (who is a kind woman who I like) nearly forbade her from seeing her previous boyfriend because at one point he expressed that he was a agnostic theist (though he is a christian now and still very close with her family). I can only imagine what she would say if she found out my religious position, an inevitability that I consider only a matter of time.
I suppose I'm asking the married couples here if they had dealt with similar experiences, though I expect most will be from the christian perspective, I am open to your advice and any question you might wish to have answered about my relationship.

 

[xDenax]

If it's difficult for her now it's only going to get more difficult. It's not going to be fun to have her hassle you continuously about your lack of belief. Is there any way you two would consider ending it now?

 

[Wedjat]

I don't want that to be an option. I care for her deeply, and for her I have more patience than I would have for many more people saying much worse things than she does. Some of the things she says grates sometimes, but I forgive her almost immediately. She has been raised very sheltered in regards to other belief systems and simply doesn't understand what she says most of the time.

 

[Cute Tink]

I'm coming from your side, but I've never had to deal with the issue. My first wife was a very weak Christian. She never pressed me on the issue and she left the faith, so to speak. It was not because I did anything. Lost her way you might say. She explored Wicca and spirituality, but she has now returned to Christianity.

My current wife is a Christian. She respects the fact that I am not, just as I respect the fact that she is. I mean real respect on both of us. She doesn't try to convert me and I don't try to change her. We do not challenge each others' beliefs. I do not try to keep her from church and she doesn't try to make me go.

That does not sound like your relationship at all. In fact, I have to agree with xDenax. This is going to get more and more difficult. I'm not sure of the position of the Catholic Church, but if the two of you get married one day, is the Church going to allow you to get married by her priest in the church? If not, she might hold that against you. I would suggest that you have a serious conversation with her about whether she is going to be able to handle your differences in faith long term or not. It doesn't sound like she will.

If she can't, then you must seriously consider ending this relationship for the sake of both of your happiness.

 

[Wedjat]

I have asked her in the past if she can deal with who I am. She's told me that she would try, and she is trying, but it's still pretty clearly a burden for her.
It's odd, we really are complete opposites religiously, politically, and emotionally, but nearly everything seems to fall together in terms of us getting along besides this one thing. If it weren't for my lack of faith, I could literally count the number of arguments we've had outside of that on one hand, and most of those aren't even major.
I feel like everything I say makes it clearer that we shouldn't be together, but I really really want to make this work for her sake. I feel like a horribly egomaniacal person saying this, but considering her family life and past relationships, I honestly am the best thing that's ever happened to her. I know for a fact that she considers me "the one" and I'm really afraid for what might happen if I were to just end it. I want there to be a solution somewhere.

 

[Cute Tink]

Maybe a Catholic would have more relevant input. Have you considered talking with her and her priest at the same time? I don't know what impact outing your relationship to her priest might have.

 

[Wedjat]

Have I mentioned we're long distance at the moment? We go to college together, but I would have to drive down to Greenville SC if I wanted to talk to her with her priest. I doubt she'd like that idea though, she likes to avoid problems rather than confront them and is secretive about things she doesn't want getting out, which actually kind of makes more problems than it solves.

 

[Cute Tink]

Well, that does present a problem with that solution. I can understand why she would be hesitant, given the reactions in the past. However, avoiding a problem does not solve it. I wish you well, but I have no ideas at this point.

 

[Wedjat]

Thank you anyway.

 

[xDenax]

I'm not sure of the position of the Catholic Church, but if the two of you get married one day, is the Church going to allow you to get married by her priest in the church?

No, they will not.

 

[Wedjat]

Do you know that for a fact? I know she is set on a Catholic wedding.

 

[xDenax]

I would really recommend you don't continue in this relationship just because you think she needs you. These situations can cause a load of a mess down the road. You need to have a serious talk with her and then see if she can really live with it.

 

[Wedjat]

I have talked to her, asked her bluntly whether she could live with me. She has said that she doesn't know, but she'll try. She seems to think she's getting better... I don't know.

 

[xDenax]

Do you know that for a fact? I know she is set on a Catholic wedding.

I believe some will let you use the church if both partners were baptized at some point (I know one where I live will do that) but I think it's rare. The priest would not perform the ceremony.

 

[xDenax]

I have talked to her, asked her bluntly whether she could live with me. She has said that she doesn't know, but she'll try. She seems to think she's getting better... I don't know.

Then she may wake up 15 years down the road and realize she can't do it. Do you both want children? That will add an entirely new dimension. Yes, it's possible she will change her mind over time. When my husband and I met I was a Christian and he was an atheist. Now I'm involved in liberal Judaism and he's still an atheist. I've made drastic changes over the last nine years.

 

[Wedjat]

I want a couple children, she wants a lot.
Your last post sent me on a Google search on what is apparently called "disparity of cult", essentially we would need express permission to marry, so if the issue did actually arise, I would have to talk with her priest regardless. I don't see how that would work out well.

 

[Wedjat]

Thank you though for your time and insight. This whole thing is rather depressing as I'm not making a very strong argument for our relationship. I'd still like some other viewpoints if anyone has them, but I think I'm just going to bed for now.

 

[xDenax]

I want a couple children, she wants a lot.

That's a huge deal. Making her settle could break her heart.

Your last post sent me on a Google search on what is apparently called "disparity of cult", essentially we would need express permission to marry, so if the issue did actually arise, I would have to talk with her priest regardless. I don't see how that would work out well.

Yeah, probably not. Depends on the priest I guess but I don't imagine they would do a wedding for a Catholic and an atheist.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

I found this on the bbc website concerning how Catholics view marrying a non-Catholic. Scroll down to the section after you have clicked here.

Hope this helps

 

[Singermom]

Just a side note here:

When I was growing up my family was Catholic (my parents still are), and our church would not marry a single one of of my older siblings because none of them married - specifically - Roman Catholics. Both of my twin brothers married Christian girls, but they weren't Catholics (one was Baptist, one Greek Orthodox). My sisters both married Jewish men. In every instance, the answer was a polite but firm "no".