Am I Wrong?

[JoeinPA]

First off let me say how glad I am to have found this part of the forum as it relates so much to my life the past 5 years.

A little background on our relationship,my wife and I met on some not-so good terms as she was just getting out of a bad marriage and I had been having some negative dating experiences at that time...not a good formula I know.

We had only been seeing each other for 4 months when my landlord raised my rent and I could no longer afford to live there. My options at that time were to go back to where my family lived,which I wasn't fond of and also would have hampered this new relationship I had just found. So she offered for me to move in to her place,another no-no probably.

After about a year she mentioned marriage,at that point it wouldn't have been right for me just to cut and run for no reason so I went along.
As with some relationships,our differences really started to surface and we found out that perhaps we are opposites...she likes hot,I like cold,she likes city,I like country. And more importantly,she was sort of shocked when she found out I was a Christian! We had never really talked much about that,but I've come to find it's pretty important in a relationship.
She was a rebel from catholicism and I'm of course Christian...she used to call me things like 'fundy' and then I found out she is actually frightened of 'organized religion' or whatever she calls it. I was not really a 'bible beater' but I did try to live a good life.

After awhile we really started to go separate ways with that,as I became more spiritual it seemed she rebelled more to the point where she now is more into wicca and possibly witchcraft which she refers to as simply 'harmless white magic'...

So recently I had met someone on a regular forum that I'm on who turned out to be Christian as well,and that person was even generous enough to send me a package with some Christian music & books and even some money for me since I was going through hard times financially.

So this person seemed to disappear for awhile but recently reappeared on the forum and told me they were going through some bad times now and I went ahead and lent my ear since it was the least I could do in turn for their generousity.

So here I am feeling good that I was actually able to help someone and my wife is actually jealous that it's a female! So what? I really think there's deeper issues here. She also said something like 'you fundies are all the same'. Now this is really getting bad.

She says she's 'hurt' but I can't see why and also don't know how to ease her worries. The more I try and explain the more she's got it in her head that other things are going on...this person lives in another region!

What can I do besides pray? It seems the stronger I try to get the more this place and it's people try and drag me down!

 

[BeanMak]

What can you do? Love the wife you are with. Apologize for causing her heartache.
Are you wrong, probably not. Should you avoid the appearance of a problem, yep.
Lend your wife your ear. Listen to her problems and worries. Don't explain anymore. Just commit yourself to the woman that you share your life with and love her as Christ loves the church. Make your life a service to her and you will be surpised at the outcome.

 

[JoeinPA]

Very hard,but I'll give it a shot

 

[rae72]

Well your probably not going to get her to Christian marriage counseling or a conference, so I have one suggestion. Try the 40 day "Love Dare" You can buy the book on Amazon. It's just a suggestion but you are right that the only thing that you can do is look at your behavior in the relationship and pray, pray, pray! I used "Power of a Praying Wife" for guidance. (Can you tell I'm a book person?) There may be an equivalent for men. Just be prepared. For me it seemed that the more fervently I prayed for my husband, the more powerful the devils grip was on him. It made life hard for me, but it also created in me a deeper trust in the Lord. It changed me too!

 

[JoeinPA]

That's probably what's happening to me too,the more spiritual I get the more she turns away. Perhaps I was just sent to her to try and turn her around,just like I think I was when I lived in a previously lost place. But if they don't want to listen perhaps I will just get pulled out of here too.

 

[kitty.lover]

It sounds to me like your wife has had some pretty negative experiences within the church she grew up in. I have my own issues after many bad experiences with the churches i attended and i too considered wicca because it is less male driven and it doesn't have all the many rules that exist in conventional churches. I am at peace with my faith now because i dont go to church. Although i do respect that for millions of people church is a spiritually nurturing environment; just not for me.

As for her jealousy; she probably senses your doubts and this may make her feel insecure; especially if your comfort and support has come from another woman. I know my hb would never cheat but i would be hurt if he sought solace elsewhere.

Your post suggests that your only moved in with her for convienience cos your rent went up beyond your means and you also suggest you didn't want to marry her in the first place. You said you just went along with it because you didn't feel it was right to cut and run. I hate to be critical but no wonder she's hurting. I would be devastated if i thought my husband only moved in with me to save money and then married me to avoid looking bad. Even the suspicion would crush me.

So in answer to your question; yes i think you were wrong on many levels. However you made promises before God and you owe it to her to make good on those promises. Afterall your weakness was not her fault.

I appologise if I seem harsh but your post showed a lack of empathy for your wifes feelings. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned. You have your beliefs and that's great but so does she and you could try to respect hers too.

 

[JoeinPA]

As for her jealousy; she probably senses your doubts and this may make her feel insecure; especially if your comfort and support has come from another woman. I know my hb would never cheat but i would be hurt if he sought solace elsewhere.

Your post suggests that your only moved in with her for convienience cos your rent went up beyond your means and you also suggest you didn't want to marry her in the first place. You said you just went along with it because you didn't feel it was right to cut and run. I hate to be critical but no wonder she's hurting. I would be devastated if i thought my husband only moved in with me to save money and then married me to avoid looking bad. Even the suspicion would crush me.

So in answer to your question; yes i think you were wrong on many levels. However you made promises before God and you owe it to her to make good on those promises. Afterall your weakness was not her fault.

I appologise if I seem harsh but your post showed a lack of empathy for your wifes feelings. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned.

Yes but it takes two to tango,and if she couldn't sense my discomfort then she should have just let me go.

I always think about the shoe on the other foot,no one can be everything to their spouse and if she has certain things more in common with another person than she can talk to them. I was up front with everything I was doing and I would expect the same of her.

 

[kitty.lover]

Yes it does take two to tango, and like it or not you did tango. Did you ask her to let you go? Did you voice your doubts? Did you tell her you didn't really love her? if not then how could she know? WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO LET HER GO. If you had you might both be in a happier place now.

She obviously loved you to want to commit herself to you for life. If you were so uncomfortable you should have at least respected her enough to tell her the truth. Instead you chose to go along with what she wanted and then blame her for all the problems in your marriage. You may not have cheated on her but you have been disloyal.

Maybe you should have prayed more before you married her that way you could have spared each other the pain you share now.

 

[JoeinPA]

Did you ask her to let you go? Did you voice your doubts? Did you tell her you didn't really love her? if not then how could she know? WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO LET HER GO. If you had you might both be in a happier place now.

She obviously loved you to want to commit herself to you for life. If you were so uncomfortable you should have at least respected her enough to tell her the truth.

Maybe you should have prayed more before you married her that way you could have spared each other the pain you share now.

Actually I did pray beforehand but perhaps God wanted me to learn some more hard lessons in life.

Also I was very apparent in my feelings but she chose to disregard both of our feelings and differences and forge ahead. She's had some issues in her previous marriage,one being she didn't know when to let go until everything was a complete wreck.

I think the one thing holding me back was guilt,perhaps it's a psychological block with me for some reasons but I felt it would be one-sided if I left and she still loved me. I think that may have been an issue in some of my previous relationships and that's why I couldn't just leave.

 

[pegatha]

What can you do? Love the wife you are with. Apologize for causing her heartache...
Lend your wife your ear. Listen to her problems and worries. Don't explain anymore. Just commit yourself to the woman that you share your life with and love her as Christ loves the church. Make your life a service to her and you will be surpised at the outcome.

I totally agree with BeanMak.

Very hard,but I'll give it a shot

Yes, it'll be hard, but most worthwhile things are hard. Taking the easy way out usually only makes things harder in the long run.

 

[ladybeth]

Hey Joe! Isn't this so typical of us Christians? We go and get ourselves in these relationships and then we want God to "bail us out".

Did you bother to talk to God before you got married? If you're like me, the answer is probably 'no'. Now we're unhappy and we want God to 'fix it'....or at least I do.

Every single day is a challenge. I urge you to remind yourself to remember what made you fall in love with your mate to begin with. Focus on her good qualities.

Remember Joe.......do as I say and not as I do. Please pray for me as I will for you.

Beth

 

[kitty.lover]

Actually I did pray beforehand but perhaps God wanted me to learn some more hard lessons in life.

Also I was very apparent in my feelings but she chose to disregard both of our feelings and differences and forge ahead. She's had some issues in her previous marriage,one being she didn't know when to let go until everything was a complete wreck.

Oh dear God does not work that way. He does not want you to live your life in misery unhappy with your lot. God doesn't make us unhappy we do that. remember that whole free will thing. He gave us our independence and we make our own choices right or wrong.

I think if what you say is true; you both made a big mistake. Ask God to help you find a common ground with your wife so that you can respect each other at least and maybe you can both repair the damage.

God Bless