Am I Wrong!!??

[michaelishere]

My wife and I have had a couple of very serious arguments about this, and I would like your opinion.

First, this concerns her two grown children (from a previous marriage) that were out on their own when I married their mother. Recently, they have each started families and have small children. My wife's ex-husband lives close by and has a lot of contact with both these children. My wife has less contact since we live in another town.

So, the problem is this ....... my wife continually refers to these new children as "My Grandchildren". When I mentioned that I didn't really feel like they were my grandchildren, she went ballistic !!! I love them, but I feel very disconnected from them, and don't feel that I am a grandfather to them ... they have a grandfather already.

I don't think its a big deal, but my wife does!!!!

What do you think?

 

[c1ners]

I have two grown step daughters myself. Between the two, they have five children.

I love those children, and would love to be their granny, but their mothers let them know that I AM NOT! But ya know, I really don't think it would kill you to be called grandpa. After all, it's only a name. Sometimes we have to sacrifice. And if it doesn't hurt anyone, does it really matter?

But that's just, and I'm talking from a wounded heart, so I think you might want to get a couple more responses.

 

[Katydid]

The way you feel isn't wrong. But, it may hurt the kids. I understand your wife's view too. You are her husband, you are a special part of their lives. You have all the rights to kiss and hug and love them that their grandpa does. Perhaps you could compromise and have them call you Pappy or something of the likes instead.

 

[michaelishere]

Thank you both for your comments.

I do love these children, I think maybe I'm just too technical (my wife uses another word) to actual call them what they really aren't.

But, you both made good points for me to reconsider.

Thanks.

 

[c1ners]

I have one more point, if you don't mind.

When you married your wife that made her children a part of your life. So in all reality, you not only got a wife, but you got children, and grandchildren. That, my friend, does make you a grandpa ).

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I see your point, but I see your wife's point too. If you feel disconnected from the children, well you know what they say, there's no time like the present. Visit with them, get to know them better...those babies don't know that you're not their biological grandfather, and I'm sure that doesn't matter to them. Family isn't about biology, it's about being there for one another and loving each other, you already said you loved these kids, why not as their grandfather?

 

[becstar77]

hmmm okay I have a slightly different spin on things for you.

I have a Mother, Father and Step Mother. I have a son aswell...

My Step Mother has never tried to take the place of my Mum as "Nanna" but requested that my son call her "Nonna" - the italian version of Nanna, this worked for all of us

It was a feeling of we may not be Blood relatives but we are related through marriage - the same as sister-in-law or brother-in-law... it doesn't make the person less of a family to be related through marriage.

Having said that we are close to those that we spend time with - so its natural that if you don't see much of the kids that you won't feel close to them - I suspect that you may feel differently if you spent more time with them... Is it an option for you and your wife to purposefully spend more time with the kids?

ALSO - this is not picking at your wife or anything but perhaps if she could refrain from calling them "My" grandkids... because then they will only belong to her and not you... if she wants you to feel that you are a granddad to them then she needs to include you and refer to them as "our" grandkids... make sense??

Perhaps what your wife needs is some reassurance that you see yourself as an important person in the grandkids lives.... you may not feel it but little kids notice everything - you may be having more impact on them than you realise

 

[complexity]

This issue has recently come up in my family with my "step-sister" wanting to have children very soon. She does not know her dad, but her mom and my dad are not married either. She requested that my dad be the grandfather to her children and he agreed

 

[oliveplants]

Well, my children have a "step-grandpa" that they call Pappy Jim. (We asked him to pick a title; he wouldn't, so we stuck Pappy on him. )

He will say hello to the children when we are there for a visit, and usually buys them Christmas presents (but not last year because he and Nana were seperated). But he doesn't talk to them on the phone or send emails or any other contact. I wouldn't mind if showed more intrest, but that's just not his personality.

And that's okay. My dad is Grandpa to the children; they all adore him, call him, play and pester with each other when we visit, etc. I've never heard the children try to compare the two, or wonder why Pappy Jim isn't more involved. They are willing to accept both relationships the way the are.

 

[JCmyFriend]

I love them, but I feel very disconnected from them, and don't feel that I am a grandfather to them ... they have a grandfather already.

I can really relate to this. I have a step daughter and I feel very disconnected. My Hubby keeps referring to her as mine and ours. She refers to me as mum and is quite thrilled to have two mums and feels very special. I treat her as if she was mine and give her as much TLC as my 2 biological sons. However, I just don't feel the same bond with her as I do with my boys. I don't love her as my own and find it very hard to relate to her. I try not to let this show to her and my Hubby. I feel that she has a mother and it's not my place to do her job. However, I don't feel that Hubby like me feeling this way sometimes and he would prefer me to lover her as my own genuinely. I have tried, but it's just not there. I can't force myself to feel something I don't.

So I understand where you are coming from and I pray your wife will someday be able to put her personal feelings aside and see it too.

Prayers and hugs to you,
Blessings, Donna

 

[bliz]

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

No, they are not your grandchildren. But it matters a great deal to your wife that you refer to them as such. You love them... you love her... why not?

Do I think your wife is overreacting? Sure, way over the top. She, however, did not seek advice from us.

Are you wrong? No. But you are foolish is you want to keep fighting this battle.

 

[tryinghard]

Technically you are their grandpa by marriage... it's just a word really, just like when your aunt marries someone and they become you uncle by default..

 

[micbmac]

I'm sorry, but I think you are so wrong. You married this woman knowing she had children. Just because they are nt your blood you should treat them as such. Children do not understand right away abt blended families etc. Just treat them like they are your very own children. You might be suprised at the joy you will feel in your heart for these babies. What would it hurt anyway to consider them your grandchildren. Your wife feels like you are rejecting her when you reject her children/grandchildren. Make everyone, even yourself, extremely happy by being the greatest grandpa on earth.

 

[spiersdodgerblue]

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

No, they are not your grandchildren. But it matters a great deal to your wife that you refer to them as such. You love them... you love her... why not?

Do I think your wife is overreacting? Sure, way over the top. She, however, did not seek advice from us.

Are you wrong? No. But you are foolish is you want to keep fighting this battle.

I agree with bliz.....Dude it's a privilege not a chore. You will end up very unhappy if you don't pick your battles better. What really do you have to do? Think about it.

 

[TheDag]

My parents call themselves step-grandparents in relation to my stepson. they show great interest in him which has not dropped off now that they have a natural grandchild. Of course I would be upset if they did cease to show an interest in him.

 

[Rembrandtfan]

I know where you are coming from, my husband has grandchildren who live some distance away and boy do I feel disconnected. You have a right to your feelings, your wife has a right to hers. However, I do find that guilt is a poor motivator to do anything. If you only do something because you should, you will end up weary and resentful. I don't know what the right answer for you is, other than for you and your wife to each talk about your feelings and listen without attacking or judging each other. The only one right solution is one both you and your wife can feel good about.

 

[Meshavrischika]

I am the bio mom and my hubby is the step so I come at this from a slightly different angle...

His dad (not related to one of my DDs) is called Gramps. We have different names for all our grandpas around here. Though my oldest has two other grandfathers, he still acknowledges that he is a grand parent figure to her. Maybe you should look at their perception of you rather than your perception of what they already have (this point may have been made already). You will never be asked to replace their grandpa, but that's not to say you can't have your own special grandparent role. I don't think grandpa is a genetic thing. My DDs have an Opa that is not even related to them by marriage or blood, but he loves them dearly (my best friend's dad) and treats them as a grandparent... Understand?

 

[lemay]

I have a daughter from a previous marriage and my husband and I have a son. My husband thankfully treats my daughter just like she was his own. She sees her father but not very often He is not very stable and it is just simply not safe. So thankfully she gets that love and security from her stepdad(which she calls by his first name) And thats ok with us. She does refer to his parents as her grandparents though. My daughter is 12

So I think its just finding what works well in your family.

good luck and god bless

 

[vic74]

Here's a thought for you. my daughter's father remarried to a woman with a little girl. the little girl asked my daughter's father if she could call him dad, before the girl could finish her question, my ex told her No. No explaination no substitutions no nothing. she was so hurt, and the little girl was only seven. the little girl now whenever her stepdad tries to discipline her, she argues with him by saying, "you're not my father!"

just something to think about.

 

[SpringTime]

Encourage the children to come up with a pet name for you. My husband had the grandkids call him PaPa Mike and they call their biological grandfather Pawpaw. It works well and the kids feel more connected to their step grandad