I'm new here. I came across this site by searching Yahoo about a relationship issue I have been having. I have been with my current boyfriend for almost a year and at this point I am very serious about leaving after moving 1200 miles to be with him. I need to know if the rest of the world truely views my feelings as wrong, the way he does. I made him promise me at the beginning that he wouldn't watch porno and I recently discovered that he hasn't kept that promise to me. I'm unable to handle it since I have always seen that as a form of cheating even though he isn't physically touching them it just seems wrong to me. I feel as though I am not attractive enough for him to think about and do his thing (if he must). I have never had this problem before (he says that I know of, but sharing computers you'd know by internet history folder and spyware). I am unable to trust him now and I don't feel that I can continue this relationship if I cannot trust him or forgive him for this. For now I want to make him cancel our home internet, he says it's "inconvenient" but I don't trust him at all now. I also worry that he is cheating with other women as well after breaking this promise. Am I truly wrong for feeling this way? Does every guy in the world watch porn? Am I wrong to expect that I should be able to find a man who won't watch this stuff? I truly feel that I alone should be enough sexually if my partner truely loved me. I just want to know others opinions, especially mens.
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Am I really that wrong?
- Thread starter hkwhitney
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No, you're not expecting too much of him. If he can't keep the promise, then he shouldn't have made it in the first place. I say let him go. If he comes back and wants another chance, then it's up to you to decide whether or not he deserves it.
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ptgd1st
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Walk away. I think you are right that you cannot trust him at this point. Not all men look at porn. I understand it is hard but you have to look at it from a long term perspective. Is this the type of man you want to spend your life with. Then make your descision.
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sculpturegirl
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First off, I think it is a terrible idea to move to be with a boyfriend without being married. I think you ought to move home for sure. Marrying this fellow will not change him, it will only hurt you more.
Sorry if I sound so uncompassionate and hard, I am not. I was seeing a fellow that I hoped would change and leave his addictions behind. I am glad that I didn't end up marrying him, even though we talked about it. I would have been VERY unhappy!
As for now, I have found a man of character. You deserve more that this fellow. Let God change him and move home.
Peace with you
Sorry if I sound so uncompassionate and hard, I am not. I was seeing a fellow that I hoped would change and leave his addictions behind. I am glad that I didn't end up marrying him, even though we talked about it. I would have been VERY unhappy!
As for now, I have found a man of character. You deserve more that this fellow. Let God change him and move home.
Peace with you
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unjustwar
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pornography is an addiction. if you truly loved him you would help him overcome it. it doesn't make him a bad person at all... but it is a tough habit to get rid of. he isn't "cheating" technically. talk him through it. just because he is viewing pornography has nothing to do with you. it has nothing to do with him cheating. its almost like him to stop masturbating forever. its a gradual process that you two should work on together. but you should ask yourself if you really love him and ya moving in is a very bad idea
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chaplainjared
Regular Member
by writing your statement i think you already know your answer.
Your not wrong, he is.
Not every man watches porn, im sure there are heaps of guys on here that dont.
but when it comes down to it you cant have a relationship without trust, it simply doesnt work, he has to prove his trust to you now, and if he doesnt then your better off without him. sorry.
Your not wrong, he is.
Not every man watches porn, im sure there are heaps of guys on here that dont.
but when it comes down to it you cant have a relationship without trust, it simply doesnt work, he has to prove his trust to you now, and if he doesnt then your better off without him. sorry.
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F
flounder7786
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STICK TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF A MAN!!! or else, when you're married and he is doing the same thing, you'll be kicking yourself in the butt
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Definitly not every man watches porn, and if they do its a sin, and those who are christians hopefully are working to correct that. I for one don't watch porn, as an example, but it definitly doesn't mean I'm better then anybody else, I still struggle with different sins
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- May 12, 2004
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unjustwar brings up a good point (though I think he is definitely too harsh on you).
While it's true that there are enough men that are free from porn, you do have to realize that very nearly every man will go through that at some point in their life. If you can find one that has already gone through it and learned to deal with lust, then great. But sometimes women find themselves in a place where they will need to help their boyfriend/husband overcome the struggle. It doesn't sound like this is your situation, but it's worth considering.
While it's true that there are enough men that are free from porn, you do have to realize that very nearly every man will go through that at some point in their life. If you can find one that has already gone through it and learned to deal with lust, then great. But sometimes women find themselves in a place where they will need to help their boyfriend/husband overcome the struggle. It doesn't sound like this is your situation, but it's worth considering.
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sculpturegirl
Well-Known Member
Porn can be an addiction, for sure, but addictions can ruin relationships. An addiction is basically idolotry because it begins to control the addict and his/her life begins to revolve around the addiction. I would feel very uncomfortable remaining in a relationship with an addict. I was in a relationship with a man who had many addictions and it ruined our relationship. In a way, all addictions are like cheating because that thing, whatever it is, becomes more important than the person he/she loves. You cannot "love him out of this". I tried that. It never works! Pray for him and keep your distance until he has shown that he is a man worth your time. If he doesn't show that, then dust off your sandles and move on.
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I
InTheFlame
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Here's some thoughts inspired by your post -
No, No and No in my opinion. My husband doesn't watch it or read it, as his own choice, not because I browbeat him into it.
God bless.
Not a good idea, it needs to be a willing move on his part.hkwhitney said:
Me too.hkwhitney said:
Great way for him to deflect the discussion by being untrusting himself. Classic manipulation tactic.hkwhitney said:
It sounds as though at least a temporary separation could be in order. You're living with him, right (I assume that from the 'our home internet' comment)? Personally, I'd move out, give him some space, and let him do what he wants - but if he doesn't want to avoid things that hurt you, and get help for the porn addiction (I know it can be tough), then don't let yourself be hurt by it. Eventually, in my opinion, he should make a choice between you or porn, and you should respect that decision - and LEAVE if he chooses the porn.hkwhitney said:
hkwhitney said:
No, No and No in my opinion. My husband doesn't watch it or read it, as his own choice, not because I browbeat him into it.
God bless.
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sweetmercy
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Are you and he both Christians? If so, I definately suggest living separately and surrendering your sexuality to God. Also, pray for your bf that he will be free of the bondage of pornography and lust.
Jen
Jen
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I'm going to get crucified for this by the fellas on this thread.....But if there's one thing I can tell yah," Men are liars." Don't mean to burst your bubble there, sis.
You risked alot going out there to be with this man, only to realize he's not what you want in a man. I'd run as fast as I could, since the porn issue is bothering you so much....TBH, there are men that don't watch porn. And if you ever think you can change a guy, forget it.....It'll never happen. I have dumped my ex(s) for trying to change me, eventhough, it was for the good. I can kick myself now for having done that. But back then, I did anything not to look as if I was whupped by the girl I'm with in front of the guys.
Wish I had better news for yah...
You risked alot going out there to be with this man, only to realize he's not what you want in a man. I'd run as fast as I could, since the porn issue is bothering you so much....TBH, there are men that don't watch porn. And if you ever think you can change a guy, forget it.....It'll never happen. I have dumped my ex(s) for trying to change me, eventhough, it was for the good. I can kick myself now for having done that. But back then, I did anything not to look as if I was whupped by the girl I'm with in front of the guys.
Wish I had better news for yah...
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You don't trust him. How can you stay with a guy you don't trust? I wouldn't ask I guy I don't trust to watch my purse, let alone form a permemt partnership with him.
What are you waiting for? Walk away.
What are you waiting for? Walk away.
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ptgd1st said:
and i dont mean to sound harsh but if you are sleeping together that would and is only making it harder and worse for both of you. This can be demonic and something that he needs prayer for deliverance from it. BUT ONLY if he is a christian and actually WANTS to get rid of this, other wise it will never happen or last. Its one thing for him to make the promise to you and say he doesnt want to do it any more, but he needs to HATE this sin in order to be free from it.
Please PRAY!!
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I'd like to thank everyone who has replied. After going through mixed emotions and a lot of confusion I decided that I would be able to forgive him since he has never done such a thing to hurt me before and I truly felt that he was sorry for having done this. We are taking steps now to work on our relationship and improve things since there are deeper issues that I was unaware of. I feel better to know that other people think that I have a right to feel this way. I thought I may have been blowing things out of proportion and was seeking reassurance. I've made a lot of mistakes in life and don't want to lose my soul mate by running away at the first wrong thing he has done in the year we have been together. I guess there will always be ups and downs. If he were to lie to me again I wouldn't forgive him especially if it had to do with pornography or unfaithfulness. I hope to become an active member of this online community and I thank everyone once again. God bless! 
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