Am I really emotionally retarded?

[TexasBluebonnet]

What does it mean not to feel? What does it mean to go through your day like your underwater, cushioned from feeling, when you just don't. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I have to constantly (it feels, at least several times a week/month) remind myself to have human emotions. I say things without thinking about the consequences. I tell people I'm just blunt, but I'm not sure that tells the whole story. I only feel love for my grandmother and my dog. I don't feel love for anyone else. Not even God. And that bothers me. Mostly it's just anger, fear and sadness. The most primal of human emotions. What is wrong with me? Can anyone help?

 

[madison1101]

Have you experienced any trauma or abuse in your childhood? Often, what you describe occurs in the lives of people who have suffered as children, and they learn to numb out so that don't feel pain.

I would suggest you talk to a therapist and discuss your concerns with him/her. Explore your childhood to see if you have any thinking or emotional patterns from then.

I did similar things with my bluntness and impulsivity for a long time.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[TexasBluebonnet]

Hi Trish. Thanks so much for your post. You have given me a small glimmer of hope. It really helped. I was wondering if there was something abnormal about me. It's good to know that even if there is something wrong, there's a chance it could be fixed. I've acutally been thinking about seeing someone, so your words really made me feel that what I've been considering is the right thing to do. As far as abuse or anything, I'm not quite sure. I do think that I come from a troubled and dysfuntional family and that...well I was very unplanned. My mom didn't even know she was pregnant with me until the 7th month. She actually wanted to jump out of the hospital window when she found out. And sometime before that, she actually had been pregnant with...it may have been a boy that she terminated. So...I could have been terminated too. I think that whatever is causing what I'm going through is due to feeling perhaps that I wasn't wanted or something. I just want to thank you again for your suggestion. I have someone that I can call tomorrow. I really appreicate it.

Michelle

 

[BigNorsk]

I would second the counseling suggestion, it really takes some intimate conversation to really know what is going on. For instance, the illustration of life as if you are moving underwater would be pretty common among people who are depressed. Less than normal feelings of love and such could also point that way.

But they could also mean a lot of other things, and it really takes a professional to find out and help you. This is obviously causing problems for you, see a professional just like you would use the services of a professional if your toilet, or car, or lights didn't work and you don't know what's wrong.

One thing that you can cultivate that will make life easier for you and those around you is manners. Learning to speak considerately and maybe a bit more formally sounds to me like it would help you, if you are explaining away statement you make several times a month, it would be helpful to work on becoming polite.

Marv

 

[TexasBluebonnet]

Well, today’s the day. I guess I’ll my former therapist. I went to see her for a short while and probably shouldn’t have stopped. I get into this denial thing. I start thinking that maybe there is nothing wrong with me. I’m really scared about it. Real nervous. I hate this kind of thing. I hate talking about my feelings and things that make me feel uncomfortable. But I guess the thing that makes me most nervous is the thought that perhaps nothing will come of seeing her, or that she won’t be able to help. I don’t know why that scares me but it does. I guess it’s a vulnerability thing. I don’t want to be in a position of exposure where I’ve been totally honest and have nothing more to hide. I’ve had a similar kind of honesty with other people before it didn’t get me anything good. I just don’t want to continue the way I am. I used to say that God wouldn’t penalize me for not being to do certain things, and I still believe that, but it’s just not good enough anymore to have to ride the little bus to school. It might be easier to have exceptions made for me but it’s just not cutting it anymore. I have to fix this or risk not only falling away or totally becoming apathetic, but potentially becoming someone I never wanted to be. I just hope something good comes out of this. Please pray for me that whatever is plaguing me will be…fixed. Thanks.

Michelle

 

[TexasBluebonnet]

P.S. Thanks BigNorsk/Marv for your your post too. I really appreciate it. I know this isn't an easy post to answer to. So, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

 

[Johnnz]

You were rejected in the womb. You knew you were not wanted. And is mum felt like that about having you she may have been unable to really bond with you and establish warm, healthy emotions.

But, you can learn them from good friends, a loving husband, and especially from children.

John
NZ

 

[iannassah]

Hey there!
Feelings seem to be a big deal for you... well, from personal experience my feelings deceive me----more often than not!!! Love is not a feeling (although i may be accompanied by feelings) it is a choice that we all have!!! Here's the truth about love:

1Cr 13:4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
1Cr 13:5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
1Cr 13:6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
1Cr 13:7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Cr 13:8 Love never fails.

"God is love."
I John 4:8
​

 

[iannassah]

Also, love is not just a choice but an action!!!

 

[Catherineanne]

What does it mean not to feel? What does it mean to go through your day like your underwater, cushioned from feeling, when you just don't. Is there something wrong with me?

No, there is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. However ...

It looks very much as if the people you have grown up with have had an impact on all that perfection and wonderfulness, and you have had to create some protection for yourself, in the form of emotional numbing and dissociation.

I am happy that you are going to see a therapist - I am certain that is the right thing to do. Other than that, you can read some books. Those which come to mind are Toxic Parents (can't remember the author) and Adult Children; the secrets of dysfunctional families by J and L Friel, or their other book, An Adult Child's guide to what's 'normal'.

I wouldn't bother to buy them unless you know they will help - try the library first. And don't leave them where your family can find them until you have worked out their relevance to your life - you are likely to meet with an avalanche of denial and scapegoating.

 

[TexasBluebonnet]

Is it possible to know that while in the womb? I know that babies can hear voices, but what about that? And my mom went right back to work after I was born. I was taken care of by nursery schools, my sister (my crib was in her room), my grandmother. I spent holidays and summer vacation with my grandparents. I was rarely around my real parents. I called and made an appointment with my therapist today. I hate this kind of thing. I cringe just thinking about it. I just hope that she can help me. Thanks for the replies, and for your thoughts on this. I know it's not an easy thing to answer. I just feel so weird, different and I just want to be normal. Please pray for me.

Thanks,
Michelle

 

[Johnnz]

Is it possible to know that while in the womb? I know that babies can hear voices, but what about that? And my mom went right back to work after I was born. I was taken care of by nursery schools, my sister (my crib was in her room), my grandmother. I spent holidays and summer vacation with my grandparents. I was rarely around my real parents. I called and made an appointment with my therapist today. I hate this kind of thing. I cringe just thinking about it. I just hope that she can help me. Thanks for the replies, and for your thoughts on this. I know it's not an easy thing to answer. I just feel so weird, different and I just want to be normal. Please pray for me.

Thanks,
Michelle

Yes it is. Our spirits are not confined by our natural capacities. I suspect you have never really bonded with your mother, and she with you. Life has gone on from there.

Jesus can help you recover those areas of your life.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[Daughter of His]

Texasbluebonnet

 

[UnitynLove]

Praying for you sis!

 

[TexasBluebonnet]

Texasbluebonnet

Praying for you sis!

Thank you to the both of you. I really appreciate it. I do need prayers. Thanks.

 

[Countrygirl1976]

Girl keep your head up and I will pray for you. I can say that I understand how you feel but if you need someone to talk to I will be here for you. May God Bless you and keep you safe.

 

[SystemDown]

I'll tell you you're not the only one who feels this way. Beyond my cat, I don't know how to love ... and it scares me. I mean, the most I can express God's love for me is in terms of my cat. I can tell you that my cat does not truly understand how much I love her ... and thus I don't understand the depths of God's love for me. Beyond that ... I love God on a purely intellectual basis. It's all I have to give. I feel condemned because I'm like that clanging cymbal when it comes to loving others. I don't know how to love, and when I read what paul wrote, ... I feel like I'm being told to exercise a mental muscle I don't have, sort of like a blind man being told to explain the color red. I didn't have a bad childhood or anything, but I do remember being unable to make friends with almost anyone from 6th grade on. I dunno what to do wither. I've prayed for help, but so far ... not much spiritual growth in this direction. I dunno what to do.

 

[TexasBluebonnet]

Wow. That sounds a lot like me. Especially on the intellectual level. I know that love others and God in my head, I just can't express it especially when it comes to God. I'm not much for hugs, or anything like that, I don't really need human contact. It's hard to go to church and see others experiencing something I can only watch from the outside looking in. I don't worship. I know I should, but I can't. I just can't do it. When I try, the words and actions feel...well like I'm faking and then it feels hollow. And if that's the case, isn't it better not to do it at all? I mean, I feel like a liar, a hypocrite. Like you I don't know what to do either. It's so frustrating. I hate feeling like...a freak. Or evil, or a bad person or something. I just wish that God would fix this.

 

[Daughter of His]

Texasbluebonnet, you're not evil, bad or a freak. Our God is able. Never quit believing He is there, He hears you, and He knows our needs,the desires of our hearts and our suffering, and it is sufferning. You might want to pray for God to show you-You, how He sees you. He does love you and we are human and can't even comprehend the depths of His intense love for us. We don't know God's timing for our healing but one thing is for sure, it will be hard to stop dancing when it comes. for Texasbluebonnet and SystemDown

 

[Netbug009]

You have gone through something, haven't you? Depression can make you feel numb and weary.

You'll be in my prayers. God bless