Am I nuts?

[madison1101]

My son is moving from Michigan to Pittsburgh this summer. He will be needing to come home to the Philadelphia, PA area to get furniture for his new apartment. I am paying for the rental truck as this is my responsibility with paying for him to go to college. (The college thing is my responsibility in the divorce settlement.) Someone in the family suggested that his father drive the truck to Pittsburgh instead of having him come here to get it, because dad's family is having a reunion near pittsburgh in August anyway.

Here is my dilemma. Dad is a control freak, remarried, his wife got my son free tuition through the fact that she is a prof at the college he is going to (it's a large school with campuses throughout the country.) I have been trying to set up boundaries in this since forever. If I am going to pay for rental truck, I do not want my ex driving it. If he drives it and pays out of his pocket, I do not want to reimburse him.

We had words a few weeks ago because he was sending son and me e-maiils that said "R---- said sean should do this..." "R--- said sean should do that..." I have two older children who have graduated from both college and grad school. I do know what college freshman need to do by now, plus I am an educator myself. He even made a point of telling me how much the tuition would have cost for my son to attend there on his own. I told ex that if he wanted to control son's going to college, why doesn't he pay for all of it instead of me? Needless to say, he didn't go for it.

Am I being too....? I can't think of a word that the censors wouldn't cut out.

Thanks.
Trish

 

[bliz]

Do I understnd correctly that your son will be a freshman in college?

Was he going to be driving from Michigan, to Philadelphia and then to Pittsburgh by himself? That's a lot of driving for a young person alone...

It sounds to me like you are trying to extend the boundries you want to have between you and your ex and have them become boundries between your son and his father. If he's old enough to be going away to college, he is old enough to decide where and what boundries he wants for himself.

What point are you making by refusing to pay for the truck - if that even becomes an issue? The truck will haul your son's stuff to where he will be living so he can go to college, something that has to be done.

I think you are being too - whatever word you settle on. For understandable reasons. However, your son will be decideing what kind of relationship he will have with his father no matter what you do anyway. Don't make it a tug-of-war and you won't lose.

 

[madison1101]

I understand what you are saying. I have no problem with my son and his father and stepmother having whatever relationship they decide. I have a problem with my ex putting it in my face without my asking. He sent me unsolicited e-mails with all sorts of information on how my son should be handling certain decisions that were my son's and mine to make, including the information on what his wife thought. I am the person who will be paying son's room and board at college. I don't need ex's input on that without asking.

I also have a problem paying my ex to drive my son's stuff to the college.

Yes, son will be a freshman in college. He is starting out older, and has lived in Michigan near his sister for the past year and a half.

Thanks.
Trish

 

[bliz]

It would seem sensible for Dad to rent the truck to drive his son to college... but your ex may not be sensible... Why not give the money for the truck rental to your son and explain this is in the event that his Dad is unable or unwilling to pay and ask no further questions about it. He can use the extra cash starting school.

When you get unsolicited e-mails, delete them, classify them as Junk so they may no longer reach you or forward them to your son. Do not read them! Clearly they drive you crazy - so ignore them. You can't stop him from sending them, but you don't have to pay any attention to them.

 

[madison1101]

Thanks. I have since set a boundary with his dad. I told him to just send my son the e-mails, and leave me out of the loop.

Dad can well afford to pay for the truck rental. Right now he and the wife are in London for two weeks on vacation. My vacation will be a small cabin in the woods. I can't even afford to visit my other two kids this summer, as I must put all my money into son's room and board.

Oh well. I am a member of the first wives club. I just wish I knew a way to vindicate myself in all this.

 

[bliz]

Thanks. I have since set a boundary with his dad. I told him to just send my son the e-mails, and leave me out of the loop.

Dad can well afford to pay for the truck rental. Right now he and the wife are in London for two weeks on vacation. My vacation will be a small cabin in the woods. I can't even afford to visit my other two kids this summer, as I must put all my money into son's room and board.

Oh well. I am a member of the first wives club. I just wish I knew a way to vindicate myself in all this.

To whom do you want to be vindicated?

 

[jenelis]

Madison111--

BTW, thatnks for your advice on my ex and the 4th of July and all. I appreciate your insight.

Here are my thoughts and suggestions:

As I struggle too, no one likes to give control over to the ex-- usually because if you give an inch they take a mile. How about going to another outlet of the truck rental place and paying for the truck on your credit card? I think most national carriers will do that.

I suggest responding to the unsolicited emails with a simple statement. Something like-- "Sean and I have talked at length about his plans for _______, but we'll take your thoughts into consideration." If you keep resonding in this manner and don't inplement his ideas, he will liekly stop with the input.

And I think you're going to have to deal with the ex giving her opinion for the duration of your son's schooling at her university. He likely gives a pleasant "I'm listening adn responding" demeanor to her and that sends the message of "Yes, I want to hear your input." So you may have to get used to it.

I hope things work out for you. Sounds trying!

 

[madison1101]

Thanks everyone. I am just going through some growing pains big time. Helping Sean with college, and having to deal with the ex at the same time is just a part of it. I just don't need his wife's input at this point.

I am also dealing with some resentment at how life is just not fair right now. When ex and I were married, our vacations consisted of renting a cheap cabin in the woods from our state. Now, he has taken #2 to Italy and Spain on their honeymoon, and to London for two weeks this past two weeks. I get crickets and bonfires. She gets Europe. Life just sucks for me right now.