Am I missing out?

[ido]

As you all know, my friend came to visit me recently. I have known D for more than half my life. We dated a few times, but it never seemed to feel quite right to me so I never wanted to pursue a relationship with him.

My parents knew that he came to visit me, so my dad has begun giving me a hard time about D. He tells me how much he's always liked him, how similar to my dad he is (he's a LOT like my dad ), etc. I really enjoyed D's company when he was here. BUT, I still felt that same old familiar hesitation. I even tried to get my dad off my back this afternoon by listing the reasons why it wouldn't work now anyway. My dad's response was, "when it's love, it will find a way".

So - I guess my question is this: Am I missing out on some amazing relationship with a great guy b/c I'm afraid to open up my heart to him? Or, is the hesitation a gut instinct thing that I need to pay attention and follow?

I don't think it's a fear of opening up my heart b/c I obviously was able to do that with my ex. But, my dad seriously has me second guessing myself at the moment.

What are some reasons that have made you feel hesitations about someone you've been linked to romantically in the past?

 

[Zeo]

I guess the most important questions to ask would be:

What do you think of D as a mate? What reasons do you have for feeling the relationship wouldn't work out?

If you know you're not attracted to him and you can think of some pretty reasonable reasons why you wouldn't want to be with him, there you go. There's your answer. It's clear that your dad would like him as part of the family, and that's fine, but it really shouldn't speak for you. Seems to me that you already know how you feel about him and are not interested in taking the relationship further. I'm sorry others have chosen not to be at peace with that, but try to find that peace within yourself and others' opinions will not shake you so much.

EDIT: In my own experience, in high school there was this nice guy who was clearly interested in me, and I had a friend who was all about getting us together. I felt some serious trepidation about the matter, one issue being that I wasn't actually attracted to him. Something happened and the pressure to date him eased a little bit, and out of that grew a relationship with him. It turned out to be a very insecure and shaky one, which resulted in us not talking for a year after some fight. We're now friends, but that relationship was a bad idea from the start. Even though at the time I thought I was making the decision to date him myself, I realize that I may still have been pushed into something someone else (a few someone elses) wanted more than me. Don't ever discount that nagging feeling you get when you're being forced into something you don't feel is right for you. Even if you really don't know the reasons why you feel that way, just the fact that you feel that way is reason enough.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

What are some reasons that have made you feel hesitations about someone you've been linked to romantically in the past?

I think you need to give yourself more credit and realize you feel a certain hestitation for a reason.....for whatever reason, it's just not right, for you.

Well, my guy (long time) friend we dated right before I met my husband. I wanted to settle down, at that time and I gave him every chance to do so.....but he was DEATHLY afraid of commitment and I had to move on.

After my marriage didn't work out.....we crossed paths and I was hesitant, at first, to begin anything with him.....but I pushed myself to do it, thinking he might have changed in the last 5 years. But, I should've followed my gut instinct, because he was still the same ol' guy. But, I ended things quickly, this time.

I think we're older and wiser and learned alot of 'life lessons'....so our 'gut instincts' are guiding us.

If you think, you may want to TRY.....just go slowly, and proceed with caution and just see how it goes.

 

[ido]

I think my issue is that I am completely comfortable with him b/c I've known him for so long - but I just am not attracted to him like that. I know myself well enough to know that and it is mostly (but not all of) the reason for the hesitation.

I guess I doubted myself since I didn't do a very good job of picking out my ex, so I questioned if my dad could see something I could not.

I love D (we've seen each other through a lot of things over the years), but I don't see myself ever being IN LOVE with him.

I think I need to tell my dad to back off.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I would tend to think that if chemistry was going to develop ever, it should've a long time ago.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

It doesn't seem you're afraid to open yourself to him. You've trusted your gut in other areas, why question it now?

It's possible for a friendship to develop into a dating-love relationship, but I think that's rarer than movies might have us believe. I also think that you might be friends with this guy because he's similar to your father.

And that similarity might be why you've never had a romantic interest in him . . .

 

[ido]

I would tend to think that if chemistry was going to develop ever, it should've a long time ago.

Agreed. I think that's part of the struggle for me when I try to see myself in a relationship with him. He is a good friend and I enjoy spending time with him, but I don't feel that fluttery feeling in my stomach when I see him.

It doesn't seem you're afraid to open yourself to him. You've trusted your gut in other areas, why question it now?

It's possible for a friendship to develop into a dating-love relationship, but I think that's rarer than movies might have us believe. I also think that you might be friends with this guy because he's similar to your father.

And that similarity might be why you've never had a romantic interest in him . . .

You know, I think you've hit on something here, JD. I think you are right that I am close to him b/c he reminds me of my dad (I'm close with my dad), but it is also for that reason that I wouldn't want to date him. I love my dad, but I wouldn't want to date someone like my dad - if that makes sense.

 

[Bridgit]

IMO, if it doesn't feel right now, then it won't feel right later, after marriage. Check if what is "bothering" you about him, you would be able to live with it after marriage, like an annoying habit or temperament, different ideas, etc...

I married somebody thinking that I would be able to change what annoyed me in him. That was the biggest mistake of my life!

 

[MeekOne]

I think I need to tell my dad to back off.

You may have to if its making you uncomfortable.

I would tend to think that if chemistry was going to develop ever, it should've a long time ago.

This is true, you both have had quite a while to figure out whether or not you are right for each other romantically. I don't really believe in chemistry as far as love goes...I believe it is a decision we make towards someone, and if your friend D and you have not made that decision then don't let anyone else push you into it. Its something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

You know, I think you've hit on something here, JD. I think you are right that I am close to him b/c he reminds me of my dad (I'm close with my dad), but it is also for that reason that I wouldn't want to date him. I love my dad, but I wouldn't want to date someone like my dad - if that makes sense.

That makes sense. A long time before I got married I started to date one of my best friends, it ruined our friendship, and I really liked him so much. We should have just stayed friends.

IMO, if it doesn't feel right now, then it won't feel right later, after marriage. Check if what is "bothering" you about him, you would be able to live with it after marriage, like an annoying habit or temperament, different ideas, etc...

This is good advice, write down the pros and cons of why you like him and why you don't think it would work...this should really help you make your decision.

I married somebody thinking that I would be able to change what annoyed me in him. That was the biggest mistake of my life!

You can never really change a person, they have to want to do it themselves, and people don't always change. Waiting for that after marrying them creates more divorces then we can even imagine. Don't head down that road of disaster. We shouldn't expect perfection, but we also need to really know what we are getting into.

Hope that helps some.

 

[nucat78]

I'd say you should trust your gut in general. That's harder for me because I take a long time to open up to somebody romantically.

 

[soccerdad66]

I think we're starting to build a consensus.

If you want to marry for companionship, wait till your a senior citizen, but you were married once, and while he might be a great guy, do you want to be married to someone you have to force yourself to love? Marriage is hard enough, don't 2nd guess yourself.

 

[nucat78]

Just as counterpoint, love CAN grow in time between two people who aren't necessarily in passionate love with each other. I prefer passion myself even if it eventually goes bad.

 

[ido]

You may have to if its making you uncomfortable.

I finally did this weekend. I told him that he should date D if he thinks he's such a great guy. He made a funny face at me.

This is true, you both have had quite a while to figure out whether or not you are right for each other romantically. I don't really believe in chemistry as far as love goes...I believe it is a decision we make towards someone, and if your friend D and you have not made that decision then don't let anyone else push you into it. Its something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

The love and the friendship are there, but the chemistry and the "IN LOVE" part that I want are not there.

That makes sense. A long time before I got married I started to date one of my best friends, it ruined our friendship, and I really liked him so much. We should have just stayed friends.

When D and I were in our early 20s, he asked me why I wouldn't date him (he pushed for it and I backed off). I told him then and I still mean it now - I value his friendship and know that we would lose it if we dated and it didn't work out. I've had him in my life for 20 years now - I can't imagine losing him b/c we (I) made a foolish decision.

Hope that helps some.

Thanks - I've missed seeing you around the board. I hope all is well with you.

 

[ido]

I think we're starting to build a consensus.

If you want to marry for companionship, wait till your a senior citizen, but you were married once, and while he might be a great guy, do you want to be married to someone you have to force yourself to love? Marriage is hard enough, don't 2nd guess yourself.

Hopefully I won't still be single when I'm a senior citizen. Maybe I should strike up a deal with him - if we're both single when we're 60 we can get married then.

 

[MeekOne]

I finally did this weekend. I told him that he should date D if he thinks he's such a great guy. He made a funny face at me.

Good for you, girl!

The love and the friendship are there, but the chemistry and the "IN LOVE" part that I want are not there.

I totally "get" that. I know what you mean...you gotta have that "in love" part...trust me, you won't be happy without it.

When D and I were in our early 20s, he asked me why I wouldn't date him (he pushed for it and I backed off). I told him then and I still mean it now - I value his friendship and know that we would lose it if we dated and it didn't work out. I've had him in my life for 20 years now - I can't imagine losing him b/c we (I) made a foolish decision.

Looks like you were pretty smart then, and you're pretty smart now too.

Thanks - I've missed seeing you around the board. I hope all is well with you.

Thanks for saying so! I've missed seeing you too, just trying not to step on too many toes around here....sometimes staff can be seen as a heavy hand rather than a bud...you've always been considered my bud though! Everything is okay....just praying my daughter graduate high school next month...she's got her finals this week, and its touch and go until we see how she does. :o

Other than that, I'm doing great! Thanks for asking too!

 

[RomanPrincess]

Well if you just don't feel it then you don't feel it. What's wrong with being just friends and making that clear to this guy/ex that that's all it will be.
You said it yourself..your just not feeling that fluttery feeling in your stomach when you see him.Nothing wrong with being "just friends" and in the meantime God is lining things up for you to meet the man your supposed to be with.Wait on Gods timing.

 

[ido]

Well if you just don't feel it then you don't feel it. What's wrong with being just friends and making that clear to this guy/ex that that's all it will be.
You said it yourself..your just not feeling that fluttery feeling in your stomach when you see him.Nothing wrong with being "just friends" and in the meantime God is lining things up for you to meet the man your supposed to be with.Wait on Gods timing.

Yeah - it was kind of a fleeting doubt on my part. I know I'm good with how things are between us and he seems to have accepted that there will never be anything more.