Am I expecting too much?

[DJG]

Hi all,



Can I ask your opinions on a coupe of things that have been upsetting me.

I have been going out with a wonderful girl for 6 months and am very much in love with her. She tells me that she is in Love with me and I don’t have any serious reason to doubt her, but the last couple of days have caused me a fair bit of upset as I feel she has been a little insensitive.



Let me explain.



She was going out with a guy before we got together and had been with him for about 5 months, she tells me that she didn’t really love him and that she shouldn’t have stayed in the relationship, but she didn’t want to hurt him and therefore stuck with it. That was until I made it clear that I was in love with her at which point she decided that it was the right time to end the relationship. Don’t get me wrong here; she is in no way the sort of girl that goes from one guy to another, not at all. She is 25, very, very attractive both physically and mentally but has only had 3 relationships including myself. She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage nor co-habiting and has lead a very pure life thus far.

This chap called her on Saturday, after 6 months of zero contact and asked if they could meet up for a coffee. She said she would call him back and basically asked me if I minded her going along. My response was one of bewilderment at first, followed by a small amount of anger, I basically said that I thought that it was a bit insensitive of her even to consider meeting up with him. They weren’t friends before they got together and she has no intention of becoming his friend in the future therefore why should she want to meet with him. She said that she felt guilty about the way she had left it and that she wanted to clear the air. I can understand that to a certain extent, but surely any such discussion can be held over the phone?

I just feel that she is so concerned that she will upset him by saying no, that she has forgotten how much it will upset me if she says yes to meeting up with him. Surely if the relationship is over, there is nothing more to say? Am I being selfish?

I know that if the boot were on the other foot I would have said no immediately because I know that it would upset my girlfriend if I arranged to go along. It would without a doubt!

Am I in the wrong?



Secondly, on Monday evening of this week my mother had some sort of fit. It has never happened before and was an extremely frightening experience for both my Dad and myself. I was in the hospital with them both until 3am on Tuesday morning and experienced a variety of emotions and was extremely upset, although I put a brave face on for my parents as I know it would upset me had I shown signs of emotional strain.

I called my girlfriend to tell her the news and she was very sympathetic.

We work in the same building and although it is not nice sometimes, I feel we are quite fortunate in that we can lunch together and have conversations during the day.

On Tuesday my girlfriend was busy at work with various meetings and things but I was most upset that she didn’t send me a single email all day. I understand that she was busy, but I know for sure that she had, had email conversations with her friends and such like, yet she couldn’t find the time to ask me how I was etc.

At the end of the day she was due to go for a meal with work, basically another meeting, but not something that she couldn’t get out of doing ans most definitely not something that was important at all..

She asked me if I wanted her to cancel going to the meeting so that she could be with me. Again, I felt upset by this as I am not about to persuade her to give up something work related in order to comfort me, although I was desperate to be with her, I needed her company and comfort. I felt that she was asking me to make the decision for her, to basically ask her not to go so that she would feel ok about cancelling her meeting. Do you think I am wrong to feel that she should have cancelled the meeting anyway in order to give me the comfort I so obviously needed, without asking me to give her an excuse?



Honest opinions please.



Thanks all.

 

[JillLars]

I think so sometimes you just need to be direct, some people aren't good at just knowing what to do. I have had this type of problem with my fiance before, where he asks to do something, and I don't want him to do it, but I don't tell him that because he should have known in the first place. Usually his intentions are completely innocent and he has no idea that it upsets me at all, it isn't his fault, its just a misunderstanding. This type of problem led to many fights between us until I started being more direct, instead of acting one way when I was feeling another. It may seem like your girlfriend is being insensative, but more than likely she just doesn't know, so try being more up front with her in the future, if you need her to be around, tell her that, if she ignores you when you're upfront with her, then you have a problem. I hope this makes sense, I really feel like I have been in the same shoes, and I spent a lot of time getting angry with my fiance, and he never had a clue he was doing anything to tick me off. Its best to be open about these little things before they blow up into big ones.

 

[DJG]

Thanks.

I know what you mean. I just worry that if I do say something when she upsets me that I will begin to get on her nerves and push her away. I know its a silly way to look at things and maybe I am just being insecure but everytime I tell her how I feel or tell her baout something that has upset me, I spend the rest of the day/evening apologising about it!
On Monday when she told me about her ex bf, I reacted as I believe most people would. I got angry and said that I wasn't happy about it, I also probably sulked a bit. But about an hour later, I emailed her saying that i was wrong to react as I did and that although she had upset me, I wouldn't stop her from going to meet him if she felt it was a good idea, I also explained my concerns. But really, I think, maybe I should have just left it as it was instead of turning it into a big issue.

I don't know, I just think that I am not cut out for relationships sometimes because, even though I totally adore, trust and respect this girl, I find it so difficult! I seem to always worry that something I do or say will push her away from me and therefore spend an awful lot of my time trying to undo the things I have done, or unsay the things that I have said, even though I may feel they needed to be done/said!

 

[JillLars]

Man DJG, I feel like you're my long lost twin or something, I am a chronic aplogizer too, and had a lot of insecurity issues when I was first dating my fiance, it nearly ruined our relationship. I had to take a step back and realize that sometimes I am right, and I don't need to apologize for hurting, I needed to realize that I am lovable, and my fiance loves me even if he doesn't say it as much as I do (in all actuality, I was saying it so often I never gave him a chance to say "I love you" on his own.) You need to share your feelings with your girlfriend, especially about her going to visit with her ex-boyfriend, that's important, but you have to be sure to pick and choose your battles, some things are not worth fighting about, and when I was feeling insecure, every little thing was a big deal. I found that when I was apologizing all the time, I actually made myself feel worse, and then again it was my fiance's fault for letting me apologize for things I didn't do wrong. So, try talking things through, come up with a solution, you both apologize for hurting the other's feelings and then move forward, it seems to have worked for Josh and I. But most importantly, love yourself, and things will move forward from there. I know that sounds a little corny, but its the truth. Hope that makes sense.

 

[DJG]

You are totally right!

Its great(well....if you get what I mean!) that I have found someone to talk to who has a similar mind set to me!
I just seem to start the "snowball effect" each and everytime we have even the slightest little problem, I always turn things into a great big issue because I want to talk about it too much or apologise for it too much or analyse it too much, then I wish I hadn't and I start the correction process which again becomes tiresome for both parties.....so difficult sometimes!
Each time I do something like this I imagine that I have added to the tally of upset and eventually I will reach the top of the scale and the relationship will be over....which is my main fear! For some reason I can't just forget about the things I think I have done wrong....Doh!

 

[Ampmonster]

sounds like your just coming out of the clouds. when your firts in love your "in the clouds" and you think about one another all day and email eachother 800 times,..."i love you, pooky." but eventually, even though your still in love, you stop doing all that superficial stuff. but it'll be replaced by other deeper...gestures.

 

[JillLars]

Its good to know I'm not the only one out there either DJG, if you ever want to talk feel free to PM me, sometimes talking to others helps me to put things into perspective before I make a big deal out of something small.

 

[DJG]

Thx Jill.

D.

 

[charligirl]

I agree with Jill, perhaps a little more of a direct approach is required. With regard to cancelling the meeting, she probably didn't want to fuss, most men hate that in my experience... she may not have been sure if you wanted her to cancel, so she asked you, perhaps you could have just said. "that would be really nice as I could do with your company tonight - but I can cope if your meeting is important"

Communication is the number one skill needed in relationships.. but also the most difficult to get right! Be honest with her!

I can see how you are concerned about the lunch with ex-boyf (it's good she asked you though! she could have met him and not told you - shows she has no hidden agenda) but I can also see how she feels she owes him some sort of explanation. I actually think this may be better done in a letter, but that's just my experience.

Try not to constantly apologise and worry about getting on her nerves, try and remember that she is going out with you because she wants to!!

 

[DJG]

Thx CG!


God bless.

Btw folks, we sorted stuff last night and everything id rosy in the garden!!

 

[Mrs K 2004]

I am so glad you guys worked everything out!!

I have always been a very direct person; perhaps to direct! When my fiance and I were first starting our relationship, (I was in a rebellion phase from Christianity) but I was VERY forward about his going out with female friends; I did not like that, nor did I trust females. (I have known lots of girls who get pleasure from breaking relationships)

However, my being so forward put stress on our relationship as well... I had to find a happy medium

I wish you and your girlfriend much luck in your future! (((HUGZ)))

 

[DJG]

Thx Mrs K