Am I doing the right thing?

[superdave]

Okay here is my situation:

I meet this girl. I am heavily attracted to her. I mean more so, than any girl I have ever liked before. I even felt a tug on my heart- thats this is the one that I'd share my life with. But there was a small problem, she is 18- and I am almost 21... and my pastor said I couldn't date her, or hang out with her until she graduated high school. Well... anyway-- months past- and the day ticks down where I can actually speak to her... I mean presue a friendship.

She's go to prom with this 16 year old boy- and they hit it off- even though she tells me a month before, "I am on a boy fast... God told me not to date until I am a junior" and she says later that, "God's released me." Well it's not my place to say if she heard God or not. But I don't see why I liked her now. I mean someone that caves in so quick... I dont think I want that.

I am not really bitter at the fact that this guy and her- are dating- but needless to say- it's really awkward for me. I mean this was a girl I sang with on the worship team- I have now cut myself from singing with her on Sundays- I do not approach her, I ignore her and them as much as possible.

And from the outside it would look like I am really bitter... But that's not the case.

The reason why I am ignoring her- is because I don't want to go through a lot of torment. I need to let God heal me. I wouldn't call what I am doing, "Ignoring"-- more like distancing myself until I find peace within me. But I hope I am doing the right thing. The last thing I'd like to do is get resentful... and I know if I stay around her or them very long that will happen.

It's really tough to see somebody so young take a girl-- that I wished for, and prayed for, and fasted for--- for nearly a whole year. But also it helps me realize what I did wrong in all of this- in assuming, "She's the one" too early. But I will get over it, I mean I am already almost there... and eventually, I think I will come to her- maybe soon.

Anyway... what do you guys think about this? I know it's really confusing.

 

[PaladinValer]

I think your pastor was 1) absolutely wrong and 2) shouldn't be telling you how to live your own private life. She's 18; that's the legal age. She's old and (supposedly) mature enough, just like you, to make good, rational decisions.

Don't ignore her; tell her that you wanted to be with her, but you took advice you honestly shouldn't have. You are only shooting yourself in the pants if she walks away and you never got a chance to tell her how you feel. Even if she does eventually leave, you would have at least expressed yourself, so the grief will be much less.

And for a bonus, I suggest you never listen to your pastor's advice in these situations ever again.

 

[Tenorvoice]

First off I would have to ask "why would the pastor give you that advice to begin with?" From what you are desribing here there is no reason not to pursue a relationship with this young lady at all. (only I do not know the whole situation). But in my experiance I would have to say that the advice that was given to you was totaly wrong and I would have to dissagree with it totaly.

If you just keep ignoring her and avoding her it WILL make you bitter and that is no place for you to be.

You need to just let this young lady know exactly how you feel about her and that you would like to pursue a relationship with her ( only if you are both willing/and ready to get married, for that is the whole reason for "dating").

But just keep your chin up and ask for the Lord's will on this situation and HE will help you out.

Peace

 

[Phrasedefina]

I think your pastor was 1) absolutely wrong and 2) shouldn't be telling you how to live your own private life. She's 18; that's the legal age. She's old and (supposedly) mature enough, just like you, to make good, rational decisions.

Don't ignore her; tell her that you wanted to be with her, but you took advice you honestly shouldn't have. You are only shooting yourself in the pants if she walks away and you never got a chance to tell her how you feel. Even if she does eventually leave, you would have at least expressed yourself, so the grief will be much less.

And for a bonus, I suggest you never listen to your pastor's advice in these situations ever again.

Perfect advice. Please tell her how you feel or you could end up really regretting it. She may not like him that much anyway and you never know what could happen. If you don't tell her, nothing will happen.

 

[remy]

Just out of curiousity, this isn't the pastor's daughter is it?

 

[horuhe00]

Hahaha!

Yup... I thought of that too

 

[PaladinValer]

If it is the pastor's daughter, the pastor needs a lesson in parenting, as such authoritarianism will only lead to rebellion. This happened in my family only a few years ago when a cousin from an extremely strict family got into things she shouldn't have because she probably couldn't take it anymore. IMO, the fault was more of her parents than it was her's.

In case anyone is curious about the outcome, she rectified the situation and lives happily away from her parents with her husband and a little boy.

 

[ebd]

If this girl is the pastor's daughter, then I think that superdave should get a pat on the back for approaching the father first about dating his daughter. If she is "the one" for him, it would not earn him Brownie points to alienate his future father in law like that.

If the girl isn't the pastor's daughter, I don't think that it would hurt to wait until the girl is finished high school...as it is, superdave only has to wait a few more weeks until this academic year is finished. I know that some people will think that waiting until high school graduation is just a convenient cut off point that may not really make a difference if the girl is mature enough, but in my opinion, I think that what the pastor said was okay. This is just some conjecture on my part, but perhaps the pastor (if he knows the girl and superdave well) can see things that one or the other doesn't know.

Superdave...I think that it's allright to be confused for now. Maybe this girl will be the one...maybe not. You sound like you're handling it as best as you can for now...and these current circumstances will pass. I think that it's good that you're looking out for yourself in redrawing the boundaries...and when the time is right and you've "healed" (for lack of a better word), you can talk safely with her without the junky feelings.

God bless,
ebd

 

[Crain]

Okay here is my situation:

I meet this girl. I am heavily attracted to her. I mean more so, than any girl I have ever liked before. I even felt a tug on my heart- thats this is the one that I'd share my life with. But there was a small problem, she is 18- and I am almost 21... and my pastor said I couldn't date her, or hang out with her until she graduated high school. Well... anyway-- months past- and the day ticks down where I can actually speak to her... I mean presue a f...riendship.

She's go to prom with this 16 year old boy- and they hit it off- even though she tells me a month before, "I am on a boy fast... God told me not to date until I am a junior" and she says later that, "God's released me." Well it's not my place to say if she heard God or not. But I don't see why I liked her now. I mean someone that caves in so quick... I dont think I want that.

I am not really bitter at the fact that this guy and her- are dating- but needless to say- it's really awkward for me. I mean this was a girl I sang with on the worship team- I have now cut myself from singing with her on Sundays- I do not approach her, I ignore her and them as much as possible.

And from the outside it would look like I am really bitter... But that's not the case.

The reason why I am ignoring her- is because I don't want to go through a lot of torment. I need to let God heal me. I wouldn't call what I am doing, "Ignoring"-- more like distancing myself until I find peace within me. But I hope I am doing the right thing. The last thing I'd like to do is get resentful... and I know if I stay around her or them very long that will happen.

It's really tough to see somebody so young take a girl-- that I wished for, and prayed for, and fasted for--- for nearly a whole year. But also it helps me realize what I did wrong in all of this- in assuming, "She's the one" too early. But I will get over it, I mean I am already almost there... and eventually, I think I will come to her- maybe soon.

Anyway... what do you guys think about this? I know it's really confusing.

From personal experience.... I'm going to tell you to go tell her how you feel. Cause if you don't... You will feel bitter and your thoughts will be cloudy. And sometimes your decisions will not be clear. So just stop waiting and tell her how you feel and put the ball in her court. Watch and see what she says or does... The only downfall about this is rejection... and in due time you'll be glad that you told her how you felt.

 

[mina]

I don't see the harm in talking to her and being friends with her. If you really feel that you want to get to know her, then tell her. If it's meant to be then she will reciprocate. Who knows it might not be God's timing for you two and then again it might be, but you will never know if you avoid her.

 

[superdave]

No she is not the pastor's daughter.

At the time, the advice was given out of an assumption. The assumption was that I'd get in trouble with her parents. Which, I found out quick it was not the case. Also, at that time- I was part of the youth ministry team. And since she was in the youth group- It did not look good. But I was removed for that specific reason. Now, I am not blaming my pastor for the relationship thing. He was right that a relationship was not right at that time. But, I am a little upset- that I couldn't even talk to her- or be friends with her. And now that it is time, when I actually can- it's too late. I know... that this guy she's dating... well, me and him would get in a huge "male competition" mode. So, the best logical thing to do- is keep away for now.

I would love to talk to her-- but not now, honestly right now- whats in my mind is nothing good. I told my friends stuff like, "What IS SHE THINKING???" and stuff like, "I wish she'd just hurry and move away..." I would not like to say things directly to her face. Because right now, that's how I feel. But even though, it's really not her fault.

And really, it's not my pastor's fault.

I think it was my fault... should have kept silent.

And I have talked to her about my feelings before, and though things got better between us. We still had some awkwardness.

But oh well, that's life... Really at this point- I don't care... she'll leave soon. I wish that things would have been better- but this is the way it was suppose to be.

 

[PaladinValer]

It is your pastor's fault! He gave you bad advice on an assumption that you knew was wrong. You knew you shouldn't have followed it, but you did, which does seem to put some blame on yourself (though not as much as you like to it seems).

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Just because she was in the group and you were a youth minister doesn't matter. There are plenty of authority-underling relationships in the world that are blissful, loving, and without problems. The only thing you would have needed to do was to further the relationship in disgression. Its private stuff, so just keep it that way.

You could have talked to her and you should have! Ignoring it only made it worse as you can tell; its brought you to what seems to be an emotional state. Listening to bad advice is one thing, but for it to bring you to this state (and now to the state of the "Fox and Grapes") only means how manipulative your pastor is.

You are hitting yourself over the head when it was your pastor who took control of your life, and it wasn't just the spiritual part. This kind of authoritarianism, as I've said before, is dangerous, damaging, and destructive.

I'd suggest getting a new pastor, because this one isn't doing his job worth a squat! He oversteps his bounds and has brought unto you a great misery. I think his (or her) fruits are quite obviously rotten, and it'd be who of you to walk away from him (or her).

 

[Crain]

It is your pastor's fault! He gave you bad advice on an assumption that you knew was wrong. You knew you shouldn't have followed it, but you did, which does seem to put some blame on yourself (though not as much as you like to it seems).

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Just because she was in the group and you were a youth minister doesn't matter. There are plenty of authority-underling relationships in the world that are blissful, loving, and without problems. The only thing you would have needed to do was to further the relationship in disgression. Its private stuff, so just keep it that way.

You could have talked to her and you should have! Ignoring it only made it worse as you can tell; its brought you to what seems to be an emotional state. Listening to bad advice is one thing, but for it to bring you to this state (and now to the state of the "Fox and Grapes") only means how manipulative your pastor is.

You are hitting yourself over the head when it was your pastor who took control of your life, and it wasn't just the spiritual part. This kind of authoritarianism, as I've said before, is dangerous, damaging, and destructive.

I'd suggest getting a new pastor, because this one isn't doing his job worth a squat! He oversteps his bounds and has brought unto you a great misery. I think his (or her) fruits are quite obviously rotten, and it'd be who of you to walk away from him (or her).

I know the pastor gave some bad advice. But switching a pastor because of a desicion is kind of harsh. Just when it comes to things like FINDING A WIFE. You have to seek and find on your own. No one should determine who you be with for the rest of your life except you. There is one thing I know... do not care what others will say. Because people are going to talk regardless of who you are with. People are going to be jealous and mad because you are with who they think you shouldn't be with. People are going to talk... So do not take advice from people(only those that do not know anything about the situation).

 

[Peter_in_Christ]

Superdave,

I believe you did the right thing by talking to your Pastor, you sought accountability and it was good of you to seek advice. I for one know that God can speak through His people, including the Pastor, you made a decision based on his advice and so it's nobodys' fault. It can be very hard to get out of the box we're in and it's good to have another perspective on things.

If it's in His will for you and this girl to be together in the future than He'll bring you two together in His own time. Continue to live faithfully in the Lord, stay focus on His will and keep praying always seeking His guidance.

We learn things everyday in our lives, we may have a lot of growing, but out God knows best. Our Great and Almighty God can turn anything from what we're all going through to glorify His greatness.

Patience is a virtue, being honest is always a good thing. Faith, Hope and Trust in the Lord.

Take care and God bless
Love in Christ

Peter

 

[enslow]

I had to jump in here and give my 2 cents (Can$) worth.

It does surprise me how many are calling the pastor's advice 'bad'. I think some assume that the pastor told superdave to have no contact with the young woman. I didn't get that feeling from superdave's original post. The pastor did tell him to not date or hang out with the girl. I don't think that meant that he couldn't talk with her from time to time at church. It seemed it was more his decision to keep his distance for his own reasons. The pastor also told him to refrain from dating the girl until she graduated, which is only a few weeks away.

This raises the question, when should we accept or dismiss advice from our elders? I'll admit I find some advice from my own father hard to take sometimes. True enough, some of the advice I received didn't work out. However, there is much more advice that I should have listened to. Unfortunately I didn't realize the value of some of his advice until years later.

Note to superdave: if your pastor were incorrect in his advice and God thinks this girl is good for you, He will give you opportunities in the future to meet her and date her. For now I think you could allow yourself to talk with her once in awhile. Otherwise she may think you don't like her at all.

Enslow

 

[Machachachi]

Really women are just so damn confusing I say just write the whole bunch of em off,

Now for a real response, seriously the situation is all wrong from the start, your pastor really had no right to tell you to not hang out with her, I'm sure his intentions were pure, but thats not the point, if you really liked this girl you should have felt free to jump on the oppurtunity, I'm sure some of the hurt you feel is more of an injustice than anything. No one should steal from you oppurtunities, I mean seriously you are not a fool and no one should treat you like one.

Really its not confusing at all, but you should tell her how it is.... Seriously, you are only doing yourself harm and you are just plain lying if you don't.... Don't withdraw! Pursue, dating is not a commitment, its a silly thing really, don't know why I do it myself, but you should tell her how you feel, ITS YOUR LIFE and you shouldn't let stupid **** get in the way of at least attempting to be happy. I mean if it turns out she doesn't like you then hey you have closure and you can move one! And if turns out she does then you can pursue that and see where it leads, if it fails in the end, you at least gave it a shot. "The best thing you can do is the right thing to do, the worst thing you can do is nothing at all."

 

[aria384gp:)]

I don't know how this will help you, but I experienced a similiar situation, except I was the girl, obviously.

Ok, so anyhow, what happened was my freind and her cousin and I were all best friends. I mean we were inseparble. We did things together, told each secrets, laughed at each other's jokes, and were just all around best friends. Well, all that changed when Ethan began having feelings for me. He began to pray and fast for me, and he really truly thought that I was the one. Well, at first I thought maybe I felt something for him, too, but after much prayer and Godly deliberation, I realized that maybe Ethan wasn't for me, and that I should just trust God with the whole situation. Well, Ethan took the situation to my dad, who's the Pastor. My father told him to pray about it, and to maybe give it some time. I was only 17. And to really seek the Lord about it. My father thought that since we were so close, and since we really weren't exposed to other guys and gals that maybe the feelings were just natural. Well, I completely gave my feelings over to God. I didn't pray "Lord, let Ethan be the one for me." Instead, I prayed, "Lord, guide me, keep me, show me. I'm confused. Help me to make the right decision, let Your will be done." At first I still held on to that part of me that wanted Ethan to be the one, but something just wasn't right, so I came to the realization, that Ethan wasn't the One for me. He obviously didn't think so, and so he continued to pray and fast that God would make me love him, which is ridiculous. But anyways, after my father told him that I had no feelings for him, in that way. He started acting very strange. He ignored me, and would be rude to me, and there were times when he really made me cry. He basically drove me to the point where I could not go on like that in my christian walk, because I literally hated him or so I thought. God had to break me, and after the whole experience, it sadly drove me further from him. I don't know if Ethan is the ONE for me or if I'm his other half, but our friendship was ruined because of it, and after many months is slowly beginning to mold. We will never be the same again, and I will never think of him the same way again, and that's sad. So if you really like this girl, don't be mean to her, because if you are it might just drive her away, and really pray about it, and don't pray that things will go the way you want them to but pray that things will go the way God planned them to, that's the difference, because if you're praying for God to guide you in the direction you want to go, how will you know if He has another one planned? And just remember God is in control, he has your whole life planned out. Trust Him completely and you won't go wrong.

God bless,
aria

 

[superdave]

It's been about a month... and things have cooled down considerably. I think it's time for me to go talk to Katye (the girl). I am really going to pray about it. I believe things will go well, considering my thoughts have changed so much.

If by any chance this girl is the one for me- well, It's up to God. I really don't think she is. Only because, I feel such a peace knowing that she isn't. This whole time, of me withdrawing has been really good. I have learned what I did wrong, what I did right, and how to hear the voice of the Lord better.

Right now I am single. I am becoming content in that. If the Lord wants to bring a lady in my life, tomorrow or 10 years from now- I am ok. Just as long as it is him, leading me. Sure, it's going to be hard sometimes- but I know with him, I am never going to be alone. I use to say stuff like this- and not mean it- but now I really do.

Anyway thank you all for your advice in this situation-it has helped, and I think now its going to be covered!- I am going to bring closure to this really soon!