am I crazy?

[verob]

I am not married. I have a 3 year old and I am pregnant with my second child. The father of my children has wanted to marry me since about 2 weeks into knowing each other. He is constantly bringing up getting married and I am just scared. When I show that he gets mad. I am scared b/c I do not think our relationship is great now. We don't talk alot, when we do we disagree alot and don't communicate well to try and work through things. He is very irrational and compulsive. He makes rash decisions, quits jobs on a whim, etc. He was alot worse when I first met him, he has improved a lot over the last year, mostly b/c I left him and he realized some things. Well anyway, I go back and forth b/t thinking we should get married and we should not. Really the only reasons I want to marry him is b/c I think it's best for my children to be in the same household as both of their parents. Also I want them to know that marriage is the best and I just think life generally would be easier married as compared to single mom style. Some times I think that just by being married/making things right with God, that our relationship will improve. Is that crazy?
Another big issue is that he makes bad decisions/uses poor judgement some times when it comes to children and I feel if we were apart I would have to share our children and would not know what's going on half the time. To add to all of this he has a child that his mother is currently caring for. He also "claims" two other children from this previous relationship that aren't actually his. He doesn't do a great job fathering them and basically sees them here and there when convenient for him. To make matters worse the oldest of these children has been reported on numerous occassions molesting or attempting to molest his daughter. I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. I feel like if I leave I will have to put my children through all of this drama of being shared b/t two homes. And the times that they are with him I will have no control as far as knowing who they are with, whether or not they are with these other children that might be doing things to them, etc. On the other hand if we get married. I will feel like the only adult in the home with him and all of these children (mine and his)----meaning taking on all of this responsibilities. I guess I'm asking is it crazy to think that getting married will some how fix all of this. Or that God will fix all of this if I just go ahead and get married instead of living in sin. Sorry so long and hope it makes sense.

 

[LinkH]

Why have you been willing to have sex with the man and have children with him, but aren't willing to marry him?

 

[verob]

I don't know. It probably sounds even crazier, but I broke up with im about a year and a half ago and lived alone with our child and he attempted to get back together with me for a year...the whole time we didn't have sex. Then a few months ago we did have sex and after that he just expected it again. And he is very controlling. He is the type of person who does not respect boundaries. So I just kind of got stuck back into this cycle of having sex with him out of feeling pressured.

 

[JCLover779]

Yes, you are not thinking clearly when you think that getting married will solve those problems. They will get worse. God is not going to fix this at all just because you get married.

If he can show that he has changed, maybe you should do this for the reasons you have listed (the kids). But IMO it will take a few years to show that true change has happened.

And you do need to stop having sex with him. You are only making the situation worse when you do that. You have to get that into your mind, because it is going to be hard to stop. Think about what your priorities are, and make decisions that will not put you into a position where you have to decide when your desires are flowing.

 

[ValleyGal]

You have expressed a lot of concern, red flags, and you are very unsure of marrying him. So don't. Seriously, marrying someone without being 100% sure that is who you want to spend your life with would be a huge mistake.

You've stated you think it's best for your children to grow up in a home with both parents. Here is what research shows. A child will do better in a single parent home where there is no conflict than in a dual-parent home where there is conflict. You stated that your boyfriend is controlling, no boundaries, pressures you to sin, he gets mad when you won't marry him, and he is unreliable with jobs. Not good husband/father traits. And I worry about what you might mean about "uses poor judgement when it comes to the children." If there is any worry about your children, please don't live with him or marry him. Your primary job is to protect your children.

This leads me to consider your boyfriend's "other" children. From a child protection perspective, if there is any concern or if one has been shown to molest, you might have to have a protection order so his other children do not have access to your children. This is something you might want to chat with a social worker about - whether you marry or not. If you are married to him or live with him, he is going to spend time with the children without you, so you are not always going to be there to monitor. And judging from what you have said about your boyfriend, it does not sound like you trust him to care for your children without you there.

The last thing that struck me in your post is thinking that God will fix it for you if you get married. That won't happen. If you feel he needs to be "fixed" then he is not a good match for you to start with because you want him to change. Not only that, but your boyfriend is the one who needs to decide to change. God can only change him if he wants to change. Also, not that you said this, but I just wanted to add that marrying him will not make your situation "right." In fact, any problems you have now will only get worse when you are married.

Some times I think that just by being married/making things right with God, that our relationship will improve.

Making things right with God is not the same as marrying the father of your children. Making things right with God is aligning your values with God's values. It means turning from what you value in your sinful nature, and agreeing with God about what he values. It means turning from your old ways and doing things God's way. Marrying the father of your children is not necessarily "God's" way unless your boyfriend is actually living "God's way" and honours you enough to help you live God's way too. But that is not happening. He is leading you to sin by pressuring you to have sex outside of marriage, he is dishonouring your individuality by trying to control you, he is using bad judgement with your children, etc.

Something in your intuition has prevented you from marrying him. Intuition is typically not wrong, so listen to your intuition and trust it.

 

[Armoured]

Verob, you're situation sounds harsh, but you aren't the only person to find herself (or himself) in a situation like this. Acknowledging there are issues is a really good first start. I respectfully suggest, however, that now you have admitted to yourself there are problems, you need to do something concrete, and while strangers on the net can be helpful and vaguely supportive, you really need to be talking to a specialist who helps people in situations like these. If you don't know anyone to call, if you tell your vague location, I'm sure there'd be plenty of people here who could direct you to the help you need. It sounds like a women's crisis or legal centre is the direction you should be going. Not to tell you what to do, or even break up the relationship if that's not what you want, they'll just try to help you get some perspective and some space so you can make the right decisions for you without any outside pressure.

Stay strong.

 

[Hetta]

Why have you been willing to have sex with the man and have children with him, but aren't willing to marry him?

Well it's a strange day because I actually agree with Link for once, except I would say that if both of you are unwilling to marry, you shouldn't have been having sex and having kids. It makes you (OP) just as careless and as guilty of making poor decisions as your BF.

That said, the kids are here now, so too late to worry about that.

Will marriage make a bad situation better? Hardly likely. An irresponsible person is unlikely to become responsible because of a ceremony and a ring. I really would focus on getting yourself into a healthy financial situation and give your kids some stability. Tell the guy he needs to commit to a proper job and to supporting you all. If he does this, then perhaps you stand some kind of chance of a couple.

 

[verob]

Thanks everyone for the advsie and insight. I knew all of this I think I just need to hear it.

 

[Inkachu]

Do not marry this guy.

It's better to be a strong, capable single mother, than to marry some dweeb you had sex with just so you can say you have a husband/father and think that that gives you some kind of stability and security. It doesn't.

The accusations of molestation by another child would be THE ONLY REASON I would need to avoid him and keep my child AWAY from him at all costs. PLEASE do not leave your child alone with him, ever. Ever, ever, ever.

Pack up whatever dignity and pride you have left, and get on with your life. I did it (was a single mom for 11 years) and you can, too.

 

[Hetta]

The accusations of molestation by another child would be THE ONLY REASON I would need to avoid him and keep my child AWAY from him at all costs. PLEASE do not leave your child alone with him, ever. Ever, ever, ever.

Woah. I didn't even see that!

Yes, your child/ren should not go anywhere near that kid. Yikes. I hope that the situation is being dealt with.

 

[Inkachu]

Woah. I didn't even see that!

Yes, your child/ren should not go anywhere near that kid. Yikes. I hope that the situation is being dealt with.

From what I understand, it was another child of this guy that was accusing him (the dad) of molestation. That would send me running for the hills with my child!

 

[verob]

No sorry. It's not the dad being accused. It's a child that has been accused/caught on other occassions molesting my boyfriend's daughter. This child (the accused) is not his child biologically, but he "claims" him as his child and goes and gets him some times,attends events in his life, etc.

 

[Inkachu]

OK, yeah, the way it was worded was obviously a bit confusing

Umm, if this other kid has been CAUGHT molesting other children, why has nothing been done?? It's actually against the law to NOT REPORT such things. A child who does such things has almost always been molested themselves; someone needs to find out what's going on!

Keep your child(ren) away from this guy and the other kids.

 

[verob]

It has been reported several times (every time it has happened) He is in counseling, but yet it continues. Yes. You are correct.

 

[Avniel]

Well it's a strange day because I actually agree with Link for once, except I would say that if both of you are unwilling to marry, you shouldn't have been having sex and having kids. It makes you (OP) just as careless and as guilty of making poor decisions as your BF. That said, the kids are here now, so too late to worry about that. Will marriage make a bad situation better? Hardly likely. An irresponsible person is unlikely to become responsible because of a ceremony and a ring. I really would focus on getting yourself into a healthy financial situation and give your kids some stability. Tell the guy he needs to commit to a proper job and to supporting you all. If he does this, then perhaps you stand some kind of chance of a couple.

Get ready saints!!!

You, link and I all agree.

Is it to late to have that conversation?

 

[Annessa3]

Run. Get away from this man.