am i correct in seeing flags?

[Healed_IHS]

Ok, this is really long so let me ask the questions first to get to the point, lol

1. Has anyone here fell back in love with someone? Is it possible?

2. Anyone here in a happy relationship with someone of opposite beliefs? Is it easier if they are of a different religion/path say, Judaism/Wicca vs. easier if they are opposite of the same religion liberal/conservative.

Many, many moons ago (6 years), I started seeing this beautiful young lady who I wound up living with for about 6 months. During this time we were both trainwrecks who were bringing each other down. I helped her get hospitalized for a suicide attempt, she helped me into severe alcoholism (in the sense that we were factors).

We split and kept in contact with each other ever since. She had some emotional circumstances that she wasn't dealing with (schizophrenia, bi-polar), but has been very pro-active in taking care of herself over the past 6 months (a drop in the bucket, I know). For my part, I stopped drinking Dec '06 and totally abstained until recently (I am now a functional drinker, as opposed to an alcoholic... if there are any supporters of 12 step programs reading this, I respect your view and don't wish to quarrel, I just believe in behaviorism. I respect AA it just isn't right for me).

She was raised baptist and is a (what I would call) a liberal Baptist (though she goes to a non-denom church). I am an Episcopalian, but am a liberal one as well. But, whew, the differences from a liberal baptist and a liberal episcopalian are vast, lol. I am basically a unitarian universalist who chose to follow Jesus as my representation of divinity and Lord. She follows Jesus as the one way to God.

I am currently in school, and am struggling to listen to God's direction for me... if I should pursue a life as a priest in the episcopal church or not. If not, I am pretty sure She, God, (told ya I was liberal - but he or it could work to, just case-in-point, it doesn't really matter in my view) wants me to teach religious history/anthropology something along that line. Point being, my faith is very important to me and my ex's are to hers.

She lives in Tx. I am in Ct. This May she wants to move here and have a life with me which would be great if she truly has changed, but she is (of course) talking marraige and I haven't even been in the same room with her in 6 years, so I said we'll wait, and I hope I can get married to her.

I love her, but am not in love with her, that old cliche'. She is so cool and loving and kind and an all around great person, but I am no longer in love with her. She tells me she loves me and at first I said "I don't want to say it back because I don't want you to think I am in love with you, but I totally do love her like family (emotion wise, not Jerry Springer wise ).

We have some major differences theologically though. I am sure she won't be as "in love" with my denomination as I am and vice-versa, and to me this is just obvious. I am in my church because I feel it is the best one for me, so I extend her the same courtesy and don't want to change her.

Still, when I look at the future and see myself as a priest, it would probably be something I want to share with someone that I love (my spouse), or if I am not, it would probably be the same but a little diminished.

So, she is coming out here in May which is coincidental as I "may" fall in love with her again. She is already considering me her "husband" and asked if I considered her my "wife". I was honest and said "No", but I would like it to be possible. She's great, involved in youth ministry so loves kids, can party with me, attractive, etc... I absolutely love her, and don't want to see her hurt.

If we do get married I have no problem with having a ceremony in her church, but I would want a simple ceremony with my Episcopalian priest in the outdoors somewhere.

Sorry this was sooo long. and if you read this far, thanks.

It kind of had to be long though to get the whole story and if nothing else it helped me to crystalize my thoughts (actually going to email this to myself for my journal), so thanks for tolerating me.

So basically what I am asking is:
1. Has anyone here fell back in love with someone? Is it possible?
2. Anyone here in a happy relationship with someone of opposite beliefs? Is it easier if they are of a different religion/path say, Judaism/Christian vs. easier if they are opposite of the same religion liberal/conservative.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Of course you can fall in love with someone again, but the question is should you be? She seems to be the pursuer and that is a red flag to me. Bi-polar, schizophrenic? I guess you like drama. Read some blogs, threads about this issue on some other sites as well as here before trying to fall back into love. My s-i-l is bi-polar. Nuff said.

 

[Healed_IHS]

Of course you can fall in love with someone again, but the question is should you be? She seems to be the pursuer and that is a red flag to me. Bi-polar, schizophrenic? I guess you like drama. Read some blogs, threads about this issue on some other sites as well as here before trying to fall back into love. My s-i-l is bi-polar. Nuff said.

Yes, thanks for responding.

That is what I have been trying to get at. If she changed, time will tell. If there is no drama (and I brought my share of drama to the relationship, but since then have repented, grown, and am now "drama-free"), then there is no dysfunction.

 

[JohnDB]

Yeah, She is chasing after you for sure. And I wouldn't marry her if I were you. It isn't that she is so much in love with you as much as the idea of you and you are someone that she feels can fall for her womanly wiles.

If she was in love with you she wouldn't try to change you before you are even married by trying to get you to change your goals to something else other than the priesthood which you are seriously considering entering at this moment.

She is already considering herself your spouse even though you have made no committment to her? Wants you to do the same? That spells trouble from the word go.

A real marriage is where a woman loves you for you...everything about you including your faults. She doesn't want to change a thing. She is going to have real respect issues concerning you and is telegraphing those towards you ahead of time. The train wreck that you two made of each other is returning...but only if you get married.

Tell her to stay in TX. You stay in CT. Sure the relationship (long distance) is a nice ego stroke...but developing it further will destroy that. She nor you is ready for a committed relationship yet.

Sure she wants a relationship and so do you...and the familiarity between you two is comfortable. But this one has disaster written all over it. Bipolar is only managed with drugs....there is no cure and the cycling that a Bipolar person has is only slowed with the aid of drugs.

If you want a different result than what relationship you had before you have to use a different formula entirely. Just adding God and a more disciplined lifestyle isn't going to make the result any different than what occurred before. It wasn't so much the problem last time as it was heart conditions on both of your parts. If you bring her into your life it will go much like it did last time with things only moving faster than it did last time and the committment level much lower. (It will be easier to separate).

You want none of this...

 

[alfrodull]

My beliefs are fairly similar to yours. I married someone with very strong Catholic beliefs. While it's frustrating at times, we respect each other enough to agree to disagree and rarely conflict over the issue. However, since where to have the wedding ceremony was the issue specifically brought up in your post, I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation. When it comes to a marriage with differing belief systems, that decision is the LEAST of your worries.

While I certainly won't tell you you have to share the exact same beliefs before you marry, it's important to know what you're getting into and discuss how you'll handle certain things in the future. Will you go to separate churches? The same one? Two different churches, together? If you have children, how will you raise them in regards to religion? Are there any faith-related issues neither of you wants to back down on that make a future together impractical (e.g., using birth control in a Catholic/Protestant relationship)?

I'm not saying whether it's a good idea to marry this girl or not, since that's something it's impossible for strangers on the internet to advise you on. These are just things that I would have anyone considering an inter-denominational relationship consider.

 

[Healed_IHS]

Yeah, She is chasing after you for sure. And I wouldn't marry her if I were you. It isn't that she is so much in love with you as much as the idea of you and you are someone that she feels can fall for her womanly wiles.

That has crossed my mind.

If she was in love with you she wouldn't try to change you before you are even married by trying to get you to change your goals to something else other than the priesthood which you are seriously considering entering at this moment.

That I am not so sure about. I mean, with my denom I can enter the priesthood single or married.

She is already considering herself your spouse even though you have made no committment to her? Wants you to do the same? That spells trouble from the word go.

Marriage is something we have considered in the past. And the truth is, if time proves that she has changed, it would be an honor. If not, well, I dodged a bullet.

Sure she wants a relationship and so do you...and the familiarity between you two is comfortable. But this one has disaster written all over it. Bipolar is only managed with drugs....there is no cure and the cycling that a Bipolar person has is only slowed with the aid of drugs.

Diabetes and even cancer is only managed with drugs. That doesn't seem very... Christian, to make a decision on supporting someone and joining them for life based on a diagnosis. Besides, that is a decision, if it was going to be made, would have been best at the beginning of the relationship rather than to say 6 years down the line... "Hey it's been fun but your nuckin' futs" when there is no dysfunction other than the diagnosis.

If you want a different result than what relationship you had before you have to use a different formula entirely. Just adding God and a more disciplined lifestyle isn't going to make the result any different than what occurred before. It wasn't so much the problem last time as it was heart conditions on both of your parts. If you bring her into your life it will go much like it did last time with things only moving faster than it did last time and the committment level much lower. (It will be easier to separate).

You want none of this...

Thank you you made me think, and I just thought of that I am doing this because at this point I just want to get on with the next stage as quick as possible (being married/having family), because it will get me settle down and focus more to get me living for something larger than myself (and more tangible than God is at times). Not like I am that wild right now, honor student in college, career situation is looking up. Just more stabilty in nesting. To raise children and say, "My efforts are going to help provide for them to do this when they are my age (so they in turn can support me, heh heh) so that they can have all the opportunities when they start careers and families... continued progression (or even "evolution" in its most basic definition).

 

[Healed_IHS]

My beliefs are fairly similar to yours. I married someone with very strong Catholic beliefs. While it's frustrating at times, we respect each other enough to agree to disagree and rarely conflict over the issue. However, since where to have the wedding ceremony was the issue specifically brought up in your post, I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation. When it comes to a marriage with differing belief systems, that decision is the LEAST of your worries.

True, however it would be the easiest to solve.

While I certainly won't tell you you have to share the exact same beliefs before you marry, it's important to know what you're getting into and discuss how you'll handle certain things in the future. Will you go to separate churches? The same one? Two different churches, together? If you have children, how will you raise them in regards to religion? Are there any faith-related issues neither of you wants to back down on that make a future together impractical (e.g., using birth control in a Catholic/Protestant relationship)?]/quote]

Well, she is protestant and I am an Anglo-Catholic who isn't prohibited in using birth-control, we are at an agreement there, lol, but there are other questions which need to be addressed. Perhaps those would lead to some unbreachable gridlock. I do hope not, at the very least for reasons mentioned in the preceding post.

My beliefs are fairly similar to yours. I married someone with very strong Catholic beliefs. While it's frustrating at times, we respect each other enough to agree to disagree and rarely conflict over the issue. However, since where to have the wedding ceremony was the issue specifically brought up in your post, I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation. When it comes to a marriage with differing belief systems, that decision is the LEAST of your worries.

True, however, it would be the most immediate in terms of time though.

While I certainly won't tell you you have to share the exact same beliefs before you marry, it's important to know what you're getting into and discuss how you'll handle certain things in the future. Will you go to separate churches? The same one? Two different churches, together? If you have children, how will you raise them in regards to religion? Are there any faith-related issues neither of you wants to back down on that make a future together impractical (e.g., using birth control in a Catholic/Protestant relationship)?

Well, she is a protestant and I am an Anglican, so I would consider myself Catholic but allowed to use birth control, so that is the easiest of the issues, at least tied with the wedding issue, lol.

But I do see your point and there are questions which are going to have to be addressed. Perhaps one of the would lead to an unbreachable gridlock. I do hope not though, for reasons addressed in the preceding paragraph.

I'm not saying whether it's a good idea to marry this girl or not, since that's something it's impossible for strangers on the internet to advise you on. These are just things that I would have anyone considering an inter-denominational relationship consider.

No, and I appreciate that. I have spoken to my buddy who we were both Psych students this semester (though he on a masters level) and my priest about. Thank you.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

One thing you might want to consider is what type of woman you would want raising your children? That is something that I didn't really consider before I got married at 22. I ended up raising my kids without him since he took off for what he thought was going to be an easy life in another country with his permanent disability check.

 

[Healed_IHS]

No, that is true. She does work with children at the church she is at now, so she probably is better with em than I am, lol.

 

[katautumn]

1. Has anyone here fell back in love with someone? Is it possible?

I don't believe so. I think this is one of those Hollywood uber romanticized notions that ultimately leads to discontentment in relationships. You either fall in love with someone or you don't. True love does not go away and then come back. It isn't fickle like that. Sometimes the passion rises and falls, but being in love is something that is always there if it's real.

2. Anyone here in a happy relationship with someone of opposite beliefs?

Yes, but we were both non-christians when we met and married.

Is it easier if they are of a different religion/path say, Judaism/Christian vs. easier if they are opposite of the same religion liberal/conservative.

Easier? No. It's hard following your faith alone in a marriage. I read my Bible alone. I pray alone. If I ever feel lead to attend church again, I'd attend alone. I teach my son about God alone. All I can do for my husband is pray for his own inner peace, regardless of the source. I know he struggles with it, because he was raised devout Christian, but rebelled against it as a teenager and has rebelled against it since then. He believes in God, but not Jesus. He thinks Christianity is a crutch and that Christians are dumb. He thinks the Bible is a "stupid work of fiction" and that church is pointless. Fortunately he tolerates my beliefs and we simply don't talk about it much. Every so often he's willing to listen to me read a particular passage of Scripture.

 

[Healed_IHS]

I don't believe so. I think this is one of those Hollywood uber romanticized notions that ultimately leads to discontentment in relationships. You either fall in love with someone or you don't. True love does not go away and then come back. It isn't fickle like that. Sometimes the passion rises and falls, but being in love is something that is always there if it's real.

yeah, same here... sigh