Am I causing my singleness to be prolonged?

[EquineLover]

What a wonderful board/forum to come to and get christian responses!
So obviously I am single, have been a born again christian since I was 12 and am now a 24 year old gal. I know that is still young, but with the pressure of the world and all my friends have gotten married I'm feeling a bit left out! I have had some non-christian men show interest, but I could not agree. If we couldn't agree on the most basic thing which is Christ as the main one in our lives than why continue? As far as I know not many christian men have been interested in me and so I have been wondering if it is my fault. I'm not a very social person, am very short and look like I'm 15 so I can see where they would be turned off and think she's not of age yet. Guess what buddy, I am! My church is quite small and mostly an elderly group. We have some college students that visit and one has shown interest but he is having a really hard time getting his life together right now, is about 19 and to be honest I can't share the interest. I pray for my future spouse on a regular basis and (to keep it short) God has asked me to pray for my future spouse. Anyways, anybody have any thoughts or comments on their singleness, being content, anything you can throw at me I'm open! Thanks!

 

[MehGuy]

Hey Johnny. Long time no see.

 

[mjh0607]

Hi EquineLover,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except I'm a few years older. I also come from a small church, filled mostly with people a lot older than me. I'm betting you also relate more to older generation than people of your own generation.

I don't have a lot of words of wisdom and I'm sorry about that. But maybe it can be a tiny bit comforting to know that you are not alone.

I suppose one piece of advice would be to not change who you are just to get something you see everybody else getting and that you want so badly. You mentioned not feeling comfortable with non-christians, don't change that. If you're not comfortable don't do it.

Another piece of advice, from my own personal experience and maybe this is just me. Be careful to close a door completely on someone that fits a lot of the characteristics you are looking for. My mind works this way (and maybe my mind works wrong): when a woman tells me no, she's not interest, I move on. Once someone tells me no, I don't ever go back to chasing after her. I do this out of respect, she told me no, so that's that. There's a difference - to me - from "no" and "not right now". If someone tells me "not right now", I'll leave them alone for a while, but I may come back. If you're not sure how you feel about someone, tell them that. If you tell them no, and you're not sure, you may lose them forever.

I've had some real nice women, who I really thought were a good match and it's like they didn't put any thought into their decision at all. They just said "no". Maybe I take "no" to be too literal. But that's me. Guys that want to get to know you, that REALLY want to get to know you, I have to believe that they have thought about it a lot. Maybe you two don't end up being the match that he wants you to be, but the interest was genuine and you have to start some where.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

I know that is still young, but with the pressure of the world and all my friends have gotten married I'm feeling a bit left out!

I think we all get that, whether directly or indirectly. It's important to not let the actions, thoughts, and feelings of others control us and make us feel bad, inferior, or less than because we're single. They can have their thoughts and opinions of how things "should be", but that doesn't mean we have to adopt misery into our lives. It's your life to live, not theirs.

I have had some non-christian men show interest, but I could not agree. If we couldn't agree on the most basic thing which is Christ as the main one in our lives than why continue?

Agreed. Marriage is hard enough without a conflict of world views. Pff, LIFE is hard enough, we need support not combatants.

As far as I know not many christian men have been interested in me and so I have been wondering if it is my fault. I'm not a very social person, am very short and look like I'm 15 so I can see where they would be turned off and think she's not of age yet. Guess what buddy, I am! My church is quite small and mostly an elderly group. We have some college students that visit and one has shown interest but he is having a really hard time getting his life together right now, is about 19 and to be honest I can't share the interest. I pray for my future spouse on a regular basis and (to keep it short) God has asked me to pray for my future spouse. Anyways, anybody have any thoughts or comments on their singleness, being content, anything you can throw at me I'm open! Thanks!

I'm not short but people think I'm still in college/highschool, so I can relate. The churches I've attended also seem to have more elderly people too. So I don't often run into young single people, and if I do it's usually women. Singleness is becoming a trending issue, so it's not necessarily your fault. Overall there are problems with dating philosophy and gender relationships that have handicapped relationships of all kinds in the church.

This is just my experience, but people who don't have their lives together don't make good friends much less boyfriends. I'm not sure what you mean by "together" but if the person is emotionally or spiritually troubled, immature, lost, or in chaos chances are they aren't ready for a healthy mutual relationship.

Thoughts.... I think the biggest thing for me has been addressing the fallacies in my own thinking about relationships, men, and dating. Moreover, addressing the fallacies in me that have revealed over time. I find contentment comes from two places: Being responsible for yourself and knowing God is in control AND is loving.

Believing God is in control only brings peace to the degree you trust that He is just, loving, wise, and holy. If you know He isn't out to make your life misery; If you know that He is working your soul into something even more beautiful; If you know that nothing will keep Him from loving you; If you know that "Everything is necessary that God sends our way; nothing can be necessary that he withholds" -- you can rest even when you can't see how things could work out or life is dark and painful.

 

[EquineLover]

MJH0607, it does give me some things to think on that I never thought about before. It helps to hear from a guys perspective since I really don't have guys I trust around me to ask personal questions like this. Helps with someone from the outside as well. And yes I very much like to hang out with people older than I am and not comfortable with my age group. I strive to always be more mature and I admire the maturity of people older than I am. My family jokes that I was born old! I used to work at a nursing home and loved it! And the saying "no" part is a good point. I think that way, but never thought someone else might think the same. So say I'm not totally turned off to the person but am at a time where a relationship would not be good to start or think they aren't ready I can just simply say "not now, but possibly in the future." Thanks for the comments!

 

[EquineLover]

Shattered-Reflections, thanks so much for encouraging thoughts! One thing I think is hard is that when you're single people don't really treat you as an adult. Like if you aren't married than you have to insights to offer, wisdom, advise, etc. I often feel left out and where do I belong because this group is for kids and that group is for older adults and marriages and if I go to a singles group it often seems like a desperation group to flirt instead of one driven to be a ministry or have a purpose in the church or being an outreach. I'm leary about joining another church's single ministry but I would love to become more active in being an outreach for the Lord. On the dating subject I have thought that courtship would be better and I like it, but at the same time I'm like being we're both adults I don't want to seem like a child-ish thing of "oh you have to meet with my parents first and have a huge discussion,etc." So I'm battling with what to do, I suppose it will be different once I meet someone. I wouldn't like to have just dating, would really appreciate others insight on how the guy seems to be and if we would be good together, etc. But a full out courtship seems somewhat child-ish to me as in not trusting yourselves and need a ton of accountability. You're both adults, hello! Anyways, this is nice to get off my chest. Talking about it with family is somewhat awkward and not many are Christians themselves.

 

[mjh0607]

You touched on a couple of points that I liked.

Being single and being in my 30s, it does feel like I'm not able to participate in activities like perhaps I should. I think it's worse for guys than for women (maybe that's because I'm a guy). An example might be helping out with the youth and younger kids at church. Maybe it's a perception problem of my own, but that's extremely awkward if a single guy is helping in that ministry. A man that's married or even just in a steady and stable relationship, it's nowhere near as awkward. Single women they fit into that ministry without much problem. As a single adult male, it seems like a lot of my opportunities are closed.

You're just not suppose to be 30 years old and single.

I also like what you said about courtship and dating. I have trouble with the word "date" or "dating". Again, maybe this is a perception problem of my own creation. When I find someone that I find interesting, I want to get to know them better. I want to know how they live their life, how they hold themselves accountable, how close they are to their family, their spiritual well-being, their job or career. When I hear the phrase "I want to date you", I can't help but think that it's meaning "I want to sleep with you". Then I worry if that's what women think when they hear me say "I want to date you". I believe in building a relationship. I believe it takes time and hard work to get to know someone enough to know if you want a relationship with them. It seems to me that the pinnacle of a relationship, as the world views it, is sex. You're building a relationship with someone just to have sex with them. My desire to build a relationship is to love them. And love is not a word I use loosely.

I don't know if "courtship" is the right word. I don't know if my definition of courtship is the same as yours. I don't believe meeting their parents or friends is the first thing that should be done. Two adults should be able to make their own decisions. BUT, I do want to meet her parents and friends at some point. Being accepted by her parents and friends, may not necessarily be a top priority, I do think it can be telling. Your parents and your friends have known you a lot longer than any potential suitor. If they love you, then they are going to want what is best for you, and they definitely don't want what is bad for you. If the potential suitor doesn't fit for them, maybe he doesn't fit for you and you just can't see it. If the person I'm courting is pretending to be someone she's not, I feel like this will come out when meeting her family and friends. And that's important.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Shattered-Reflections, thanks so much for encouraging thoughts! One thing I think is hard is that when you're single people don't really treat you as an adult. Like if you aren't married than you have to insights to offer, wisdom, advise, etc. I often feel left out and where do I belong because this group is for kids and that group is for older adults and marriages and if I go to a singles group it often seems like a desperation group to flirt instead of one driven to be a ministry or have a purpose in the church or being an outreach. I'm leary about joining another church's single ministry but I would love to become more active in being an outreach for the Lord.

Ovey, I hear you! I've been to different single groups in different cities and areas (inner city, suburbs, wealthy, mix, etc). Every group I've been to I feel like fresh meat that's walked in. It makes it very uncomfortable when there's an undertone of "we're looking for prospects."

I sorry you're in that awkward spot :/ Most people actually do take me seriously as a source of insight, but that doesn't help me to feel I belong though. If anything I feel more alienated.

I don't know about your church, but mine tends to focus on class/study stuff when we get together. I've found that helping with outreach (making food, disturbing goods, etc) is a more Christian environment and I feel closer to the Christians I'm with. I feel accepted as a person, not because of my status or level of intelligence.

On the dating subject I have thought that courtship would be better and I like it, but at the same time I'm like being we're both adults I don't want to seem like a child-ish thing of "oh you have to meet with my parents first and have a huge discussion,etc." So I'm battling with what to do, I suppose it will be different once I meet someone. I wouldn't like to have just dating, would really appreciate others insight on how the guy seems to be and if we would be good together, etc. But a full out courtship seems somewhat child-ish to me as in not trusting yourselves and need a ton of accountability. You're both adults, hello! Anyways, this is nice to get off my chest. Talking about it with family is somewhat awkward and not many are Christians themselves.

I adopted a version of courtship when I was in my late teens. The kind that doesn't give guys a chance unless I knew they were marriage material but waiting on happenstance while perfecting myself. Courtship, in my humble opinion, is a contributing factor to singleness and strife in Christians. Personally it messed me up theologically and relationally, that's part of the misconceptions I've had to deconstruct over the years. But there are different opinions out there and I suggest you just listen/read to them and make your own choice on the matter.

This is one of the best arguments I've seen for against courtship while still maintaining Christian standards of purity and holiness:
Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed by Thomas Umstattd

I'd give you an article for courtship, but I don't have one off hand.

Like mjh0607 pointed out, I also believe community (friends, family, church) are important and a valuable insight when it comes to relationships. You should be able to make your own judgments about life, that's part of being an adult. However the doesn't negate the value of an objective opinion.

There are not two choices: dating or courtship. There are things outside of this box. I've taken a much more relaxed approach to relationships that's more like dating, but I don't throw out the wisdom of discernment, purity, and community support.

 

[EquineLover]

Thanks so much to both of you. I agree with everything you both are saying it is encouraging and assuring of what I am thinking/believing. Solidifies it more and just great to hear from another person in my situation.
Now to try and explain to my parents, hm that's a hard one! Especially the mother.
Although concerning the link you provided shattered-reflections, I don't think I would date more than one person at a time. Would seem to me that the person isn't one to commit to a relationship or be a faithful person throughout their life. Just for me I really would be turned off by that and can't see what the christian's place is in that. But everyone to his/her own.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Thanks so much to both of you. I agree with everything you both are saying it is encouraging and assuring of what I am thinking/believing. Solidifies it more and just great to hear from another person in my situation.
Now to try and explain to my parents, hm that's a hard one! Especially the mother.

You're welcome I know it's hard when everyone around you thinks one way and pushes you to think the same. My parents don't bother me about dating/marriage, but I've had to put my foot down with others. I think in general our culture is crazy when it comes to love and marriage. The day I marry is probably the day I find someone who isn't crazy haha

Although concerning the link you provided shattered-reflections, I don't think I would date more than one person at a time. Would seem to me that the person isn't one to commit to a relationship or be a faithful person throughout their life. Just for me I really would be turned off by that and can't see what the christian's place is in that. But everyone to his/her own.

That's cool, because you're using your own judgment There's another topic right now actually discussing dating multiple people and they bring up some very valid points of why that doesn't work.

For me personally, I kind of don't like using the word "dating" because it's a really loaded word with a lot of baggage. I think getting to know someone shouldn't be about "dating". It should be about knowing another human being. That might result in a business contact, a source of insight, a brotherly bond, a buddy who shares a hobby/interest, friendship, or romantic love. It may just be a moment of your life or a long lasting bond. It's just being open to people as people. I think it's healthy to have relationships with the opposite sex that aren't about sex/romance. I've met too many people who seem incapable of relating to women outside of dating/marriage/sex. To me that's really sad.

So what I agree about in that article is not taking every encounter so seriously. That meeting up with someone doesn't have to be about dating/romance/marriage. If you find out someone shares your love for classical music or shares your love of hiking, spending time with them doesn't mean you're "dating".

But, like I said, the culture is crazy and I'm probably one of few who thinks this way. And like my single best friend has said, it's a little too late for us older folks to approach "dating" like that. When you're kids, it's easier to just casually hang out. But the older you are the more serious-face everyone is about spending time with people one-on-one. My opinion is virtually meaningless if guys won't spend time with me unless it's romantically motivated.

 

[redblue22]

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[EquineLover]

Wow that's great S-R. To bad I don't have a friend like you around more often in person! I love hanging out with various people and guys just for the different opinions, character, or outlooks on things. But yeah as we get older it's not seen as just hanging out. Full out courtship just seems very legalistic and I came from a bad experience in a church like that. So I'm changing things and God is showing our family things to relax on and is ok. Such as I have a conviction of wearing skirts, but lately He has been working on balancing life out and wearing pants for appropriate things such as riding horses, going hiking, etc. It's not about the skirt it's the relationship with God. So that has been a challenge. I think the courting/dating issue will get worked out on its own with my family's view but mostly myself. I love how God smooths things out better than we can imagine and pretty much happens before our eyes at times. Just gotta love Him!

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Wow that's great S-R. To bad I don't have a friend like you around more often in person! I love hanging out with various people and guys just for the different opinions, character, or outlooks on things. But yeah as we get older it's not seen as just hanging out. Full out courtship just seems very legalistic and I came from a bad experience in a church like that. So I'm changing things and God is showing our family things to relax on and is ok. Such as I have a conviction of wearing skirts, but lately He has been working on balancing life out and wearing pants for appropriate things such as riding horses, going hiking, etc. It's not about the skirt it's the relationship with God. So that has been a challenge. I think the courting/dating issue will get worked out on its own with my family's view but mostly myself. I love how God smooths things out better than we can imagine and pretty much happens before our eyes at times. Just gotta love Him!

Aww, well you can always send me a PM or profile message if you ever feel like talking. I don't frequent the forms much, but you're free to drop me a line

Yep, right now I haven't been able to find any Christian men that will just hang out casually and be friends. Women yes, but not men. I really miss that.

Yeah, there's a legalistic streak in the churches I've been too. Some of it sounds good and even logical, but it's not truth and it's not from God (even though people will make it "sound" like it is). I have to be very mindful to take everything with a grain of salt and question it. Even then, I've still been fooled, but thankfully the older we get the wiser we become. Moreover God is gracious, we fumble about and make mistakes but our relationship with Him and our status as His adopted childern isn't dependent on perfect theology.

Yeah, God is good like that. Even when life gets confusing and tangled, He works things out. Sometimes it's us that needs to be smoothed out, but because He's patient and loving He does it over time rather than crush us all at once. He gives us the time to grow and mature and change. He's really gracious.

May God bless you in this time and show you His grace.