Am I being unreasonable?

[faroukfarouk]

You’re offended that your husband doesn’t share your specific tastes in jewelry. Why? He’s a man. You asked for emerald earrings and he got you emerald earrings, and he probably thought they were beautiful. Knowing exactly what you prefer would be hard, unless he’s a jeweler or jewelry hobbyist. I’m baffled because my mother was the same way. She was offended by practical gifts, so my dad got her jewelry, and she’d laugh or scoff at it at Christmas, and it broke my heart to see, because I knew my dad had done his best and he was so sensitive about her reaction. He’d sometimes go quiet, sometimes explode. Often he’d bring us girls to help pick gifts, but we weren’t any better. One time I approached my mother privately and said, “You can’t expect thoughtful gifts at Christmas and then make fun of Dad’s choice.” I got the third degree for that, but she did stop. I guess none of us understand her expectations or tastes, but it wasn’t because we didn’t know her or care. It’s because we couldn’t read her mind, and I suppose some part of her assumed we all have similar thoughts about what plays into taste – which simply isn’t so.

My husband and I had a few “misfires” early in our marriage. Attempts at the perfect gift, which were not exactly what the other would have chosen. I got him a knife set and he got me a pressure canner, but both of us eventually acknowledged (long after the Christmas thank yous) that we would have bought a different style. So we agreed, after much discussion, to cut out the surprise element and just buy what we wanted ourselves. Saves money, gets everyone what they want. He knows I support his knife hobby, and I know he supports my canning hobby. We don’t need to pretend to surprise each other to prove that. We haven’t exchanged Christmas gifts in years, and it’s awesome! He was initially hesitant because we grew up with Christmas being such a big deal, but gifts are not our “love language.” It sounds like it may be yours… which means you must be very specific about your wants, or else pretend he gets it right.

akmom:

Hi; some good points; men should take some sort of interest in ear piercing, jewelry and so forth; so as to be informed. (These days not a few male family members get earrings, too.)

The gift staples, in my humble view: chocolates, earrings and cut flowers.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Lets get to the meat of whats really bothering me.? I mean if I'm being unreasonable then I guess I'll just have to get on board and be okay with a kind of a crappy holiday.

Have you talked to the Lord about this? He will fill you with His spirit if you ask, deliver you from disappointment/bitterness, and restore your peace and joy - maybe read Psalm 23? Ask Him to help you get your mind off you and onto HIM - creator of heaven and earth, the ONLY one who loves us perfectly!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Are you being unreasonable?

Yes.

From where I sit, he got a coat he can't wear, a scarf that doesn't take a lot of thought to acquire or purchase, and tickets to the theater, which is a gift for you as much as him. He got you gifts that are equally if not more expensive than you got for him, that in general only you can use, and stuff that was on your wishlist.

What I think needs to be addressed is this:

part. Do I have a right to be kind of annoyed and unappreciated? I mean if I'm being unreasonable then I guess I'll just have to get on board and be okay with a kind of a crappy holiday.

I feel like we need to get Linus out on a stage to explain what the true meaning of Christmas... Having the "you not getting what you wanted doesn't make it a crappy Christmas" speech is something I had when my son was 3 and upset we didn't give him a real lightsaber.

Seriously, you can't really accuse others of not being good, considerate Christians in the same thread you complain the day marked to celebrate the birth of Jesus is a crappy holiday because you "only" got jewelry and gym sessions and a calendar from your husband. There are plenty of people who get less... Including the wife of my friend, who's 33 year old husband died out of nowhere of a heart attack on Christmas Eve, leaving her and a 3 month old behind.

I'm fairly positive she wishes the worst part of her Christmas was Sears earrings.

The point is he tried at least as hard, if not harder, than you. Appreciate what you have, celebrate what you get, and don't keep score on how much you're showered with materially.

And did I miss the memo when it became socially acceptable to receive a gift and then complain about it if you find it lacking? That's used to be the height of bad manners, but now it seems like it's the norm.

 

[LinkH]

Here is my personal perspective as a guy.

Tickets the musical? It sounds like a gift for yourself, but probably more expensive than batteries or a game extension (whatever game extension means.) Maybe you could have gotten him a gift card to a women's shoe or handbag store instead, since he wanted to spend time with you, and shopping for women's shoes handbags is a way to spend a lot of time together.

Lessons with a personal trainer? That sounds like an awesome gift. Personal trainers are the new pool boys as far as affairs go, so he's actually taking a marital risk to please you. I don't know if he sees it that way.

Emerald ear rings? Not the type you'd wear? One bigger than the other? Buying stuff like this is like walking through a mine field. It all looks safe and good, but something explodes for no reason at all. One emerald being bigger, this is invisible to the male eye. Not being the type of emerald you would wear? How do you expect a man to guess whether the emeralds would be the type you would wear? Ear rings, too small for your head? Just how big is your head? Earrings are many times smaller than the human head? Do you wear giant ear rings? These are things invisible to us men. He tried to buy you a gift you would really like, and you didn't like it. It sounds like he put a lot of thought into these gifts.

My wife and I aren't really much into gift giving, so if I get her a little something, she likes it. She didn't grow up with the gift-giving culture, and thinks American culture is way too materialistic in this regard. So that's something to be thankful for.

It should be the thought that counts.

 

[akmom]

Oh dear.

LinkH, your blunt and off-the-wall perspective had me laughing. From the ridiculous gift card selection, to the insinuation about personal trainers, and your take on what might have been wrong with the earrings. I hope she reads it!

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Here is my personal perspective

Lessons with a personal trainer? That sounds like an awesome gift. Personal trainers are the new pool boys as far as affairs go, so he's actually taking a marital risk to please you. I don't know if he sees it that way.

I'm sure he's assuming she'd get a female PT I had no idea they were the new pool boys.. learn something new every day.

 

[Press On]

You’re offended that your husband doesn’t share your specific tastes in jewelry. Why? He’s a man. You asked for emerald earrings and he got you emerald earrings, and he probably thought they were beautiful. Knowing exactly what you prefer would be hard, unless he’s a jeweler or jewelry hobbyist. I’m baffled because my mother was the same way. She was offended by practical gifts, so my dad got her jewelry, and she’d laugh or scoff at it at Christmas, and it broke my heart to see, because I knew my dad had done his best and he was so sensitive about her reaction. He’d sometimes go quiet, sometimes explode. Often he’d bring us girls to help pick gifts, but we weren’t any better. One time I approached my mother privately and said, “You can’t expect thoughtful gifts at Christmas and then make fun of Dad’s choice.” I got the third degree for that, but she did stop. I guess none of us understand her expectations or tastes, but it wasn’t because we didn’t know her or care. It’s because we couldn’t read her mind, and I suppose some part of her assumed we all have similar thoughts about what plays into taste – which simply isn’t so.

My husband and I had a few “misfires” early in our marriage. Attempts at the perfect gift, which were not exactly what the other would have chosen. I got him a knife set and he got me a pressure canner, but both of us eventually acknowledged (long after the Christmas thank yous) that we would have bought a different style. So we agreed, after much discussion, to cut out the surprise element and just buy what we wanted ourselves. Saves money, gets everyone what they want. He knows I support his knife hobby, and I know he supports my canning hobby. We don’t need to pretend to surprise each other to prove that. We haven’t exchanged Christmas gifts in years, and it’s awesome! He was initially hesitant because we grew up with Christmas being such a big deal, but gifts are not our “love language.” It sounds like it may be yours… which means you must be very specific about your wants, or else pretend he gets it right.

My wife and I have been happily married for 32 years, and we have adopted the "no surprise" approach as well. Works for us!