Am I being unfair?

[micaela]

Hi,

I've recently started a new relationship with a lovely Christian guy who I met online. We've been friends (in person) for about 6 months, and things have progressed (at a snail's pace ) to a courting phase.

I have an impression that he is fearful that I won't approve of his likes/dislikes, his friends, his family etc, and therefore keeps it to himself. There isn't any alarm bells going off - I know enough to think that he's just feeling insecure, but I'm not sure how to address it.

He's changed churches to mine in the past 4 months (he is 32, and most of his friends had got married, had kids, moved to earlier services etc), so he was feeling unsettled at his. It's great that he's coming to my church, and sitting with me, and having dinner with us after church every week, and meeting all my friends. I really do appreciate it from my perspective, and also feel happy that he feels so comfortable and has new single friends too. My issue is that I feel vulnerable. Like he's invaded my life, but is too fearful to let me into his.

I've only met one of his friends, very briefly. He seemed lovely, but would you all feel like it was a little unfair? My SO knows how I relate in my close friendships, how I fit at my church, and my plans for ministry etc, has met my housemates, and knows a lot about my life, but hasn't really let me in. Am I being unfair and impatient, or should I talk about it directly with him?

Thanks!

 

[halifaxhoney]

I think you should talk about this with him. You are both adults I'm sure that he can handle what it is you have to say. Sometimes men don't even realize that they seem closed off.

You could also suggest having some of his friends over when your housemates are out. Maybe a bbq or something like that or dinner out.

 

[bliz]

"I'd like to meet some more of your friends." might be a good place to start. Offer to host a group of them, kids and all, for a cook-out or a pot luck or whatever you feel comfortable with.

If he is reluctant or does ot want to do it, then you need to sit down and have a serious talk about this.

 

[micaela]

Haha, it's amazing how I can lose perspective so easily when I'm feeling vulnerable.

Thanks for the advice. I did precisely what you suggested (even before you suggested it!), and he responded in a really kind way. He recognised why I might feel the way I do, says it's not deliberate that I haven't entered his world of friends/family etc, and is keen to introduce me. It's more of a location/circumstance issue, and not the intricate problem that I'd dreaded.

 

[Quantum_Man]

Awesome! Praise the Lord!