Am I being too sensitive?

[LiveLoveLaugh]

Hi, I have been married about 3 years now. My marriage has been a total disappointment and I am at the point of deciding if I want to stay married or get a divorce. My husband is no longer the man I knew 5 years ago. My husband is a wanna be "mama's boy"...and his mom treats him like a baby. I just would like an honest answer about something very silly but important to me. When we welcomed in the New Year at my parents house (his suggestion)...the first thing he did at midnight was text a picture of himself (no family included) and wished her a Happy New Year's...he never turned to me or our child to say Happy New Year or offer hugs or kisses! Things like this happen on a daily basis....him and his mom act like they are married to each other. He has more respect for her than me...and I am really getting tired of it on top of some major marriage issues. "A Man shall...cleave unto His wife." How would you feel?

I know this may sound petty but the small things are becoming the major problems in our marriage.

 

[Petermn]

He loves his mum, that's not a bad thing. You are his wife, not his mum. Some men treat their wives like their mum, this is not good. It can take a men years to truly adapt to being married to get out of the ways of single life. Be thankful its only his mums love he is struggling with. He may want to reassure her he still loves her even now hes got his true love. Bear with it.

 

[Haramis]

I personally prioritize the people in my life who treat me the best.
Do you treat him as well as his mother does?

 

[LiveLoveLaugh]

A wife and mothers love are different, so I am not sure how to answer this question. I know I was raised to believe that a mother should respect a wife's position and a man should put his wife first after God.

It just really hurt me that the first person he thought to show any emotion for was his mother vs. his family so maybe he prioritizes her as number 1 in his life and she treats him the best. I dont know...

 

[LiveLoveLaugh]

He loves his mum, that's not a bad thing. You are his wife, not his mum. Some men treat their wives like their mum, this is not good. It can take a men years to truly adapt to being married to get out of the ways of single life. Be thankful its only his mums love he is struggling with. He may want to reassure her he still loves her even now hes got his true love. Bear with it.

Thank you!

 

[Petermn]

I personally prioritize the people in my life who treat me the best.
Do you treat him as well as his mother does?

good point,,,but to be careful it doesn't turn into '' battle of the best pamperer'' Also maybe the mum is higher maintenance.
God Bless

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi, I have been married about 3 years now. My marriage has been a total disappointment and I am at the point of deciding if I want to stay married or get a divorce. My husband is no longer the man I knew 5 years ago. My husband is a wanna be "mama's boy"...and his mom treats him like a baby. I just would like an honest answer about something very silly but important to me. When we welcomed in the New Year at my parents house (his suggestion)...the first thing he did at midnight was text a picture of himself (no family included) and wished her a Happy New Year's...he never turned to me or our child to say Happy New Year or offer hugs or kisses! Things like this happen on a daily basis....him and his mom act like they are married to each other. He has more respect for her than me...and I am really getting tired of it on top of some major marriage issues. "A Man shall...cleave unto His wife." How would you feel?

I know this may sound petty but the small things are becoming the major problems in our marriage.

Hi; good to see you; God bless His Word to you.

So how about reading the opening verses from Romans 7, which speak about the adulterous consequences in the sight of God which so often stem from divorce.

And then ask yourself whether your ideas of divorce are God's will, or yours?

More broadly, a daily prayerful Bible reading can be a wonderful tool in discerning God's will and learning day by day about the Person and Work of the Saviour.

 

[Haramis]

good point,,,but to be careful it doesn't turn into '' battle of the best pamperer''

Yes. I may have been too brief in my reply.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Hi, I have been married about 3 years now. My marriage has been a total disappointment and I am at the point of deciding if I want to stay married or get a divorce. My husband is no longer the man I knew 5 years ago. My husband is a wanna be "mama's boy"...and his mom treats him like a baby. I just would like an honest answer about something very silly but important to me. When we welcomed in the New Year at my parents house (his suggestion)...the first thing he did at midnight was text a picture of himself (no family included) and wished her a Happy New Year's...he never turned to me or our child to say Happy New Year or offer hugs or kisses! Things like this happen on a daily basis....him and his mom act like they are married to each other. He has more respect for her than me...and I am really getting tired of it on top of some major marriage issues. "A Man shall...cleave unto His wife." How would you feel?

I know this may sound petty but the small things are becoming the major problems in our marriage.

If I were having major unresolved marital issues where divorce/separation is being chucked about, then I would not be surprised affection is dwindling. So I think his behavior is consistent with the situation, especially given that you were at your family's home an on the stroke of midnight I bet you guys exchanged good wishes. So no, I don't think his text to his mother is the crime of the century or something unexpected. When things aren't ok, it's not reasonable to expect that people will continue to act like they are.

As for a man cleaving to his wife, it doesn't mean that he excludes all others for her enjoyment. To cleave doesn't mean all other relationships are dissolved and ones wife is the unending center of love and affection. You have to share the spotlight and his love. If you don't and you make his mother the competition, you will lose. She was around before you and will always be around offering unconditional love. You aren't as sure a bet... You're already talking about leaving. So in that sense, your love is incomparable to hers, and not in a good way.

A wife and mothers love are different, so I am not sure how to answer this question.

Red flag... Yes, they are different, but one can still answer if they make their spouse as much of a priority as their spouse's parent does. My husband loves me and his mother, and us him, but I can answer with 100% certainty that he would say I make him and our marriage a priority and treat him better than his mother does. If this is something you can't say or quantify by saying "well, it's different," it is not a surprise to me at all how he's acting. Wife who's almost out the door who can't say she gives him the same priority he gets from his mother, who will never leave... I mean, it's pretty clear.

I know I was raised to believe that a mother should respect a wife's position and a man should put his wife first after God.

LoL! What? You're his wife, not the queen. You're not one step down from God in terms of commanding respect and position, especially since love and respect for God is given freely and unconditionally and returned freely and unconditionally. For the rest of us mortals, love and respect us earned and partly up to us to maintain. It's not something we just get because of who we are.

Also, I've never, ever heard the dynamic where a wife demands and receives respect above the parents of their spouse. I've always, always, always seen it expected the wife shows deference to the parents of their spouse due to their age, experience, and role as family matriarch and patriarch. To expect to be regarded second only to God by his parents after just 3 years of marriage? Holy cow. That is totally unrealistic.

Honestly, based on this post and your other post, you seem to have issues with control and you seem to equate not having control to not having love. Love isn't a finite emotion, nor does sharing it with somebody like a parent mean there's less for you. There's no need to compete for it or to assume because he doesn't do what you want every time that there's some sort of lack of love. You have to stop confusing control for love.

It just really hurt me that the first person he thought to show any emotion for was his mother vs. his family so maybe he prioritizes her as number 1 in his life and she treats him the best. I dont know...

The fact you can say that maybe this is what's happening is a big step but also a big sign you shouldn't be surprised at his behavior or expect him to do differently.

 

[faroukfarouk]

If I were having major unresolved marital issues where divorce/separation is being chucked about, then I would not be surprised affection is dwindling. So I think his behavior is consistent with the situation, especially given that you were at your family's home an on the stroke of midnight I bet you guys exchanged good wishes. So no, I don't think his text to his mother is the crime of the century or something unexpected. When things aren't ok, it's not reasonable to expect that people will continue to act like they are.

As for a man cleaving to his wife, it doesn't mean that he excludes all others for her enjoyment. To cleave doesn't mean all other relationships are dissolved and ones wife is the unending center of love and affection. You have to share the spotlight and his love. If you don't and you make his mother the competition, you will lose. She was around before you and will always be around offering unconditional love. You aren't as sure a bet... You're already talking about leaving. So in that sense, your love is incomparable to hers, and not in a good way.



Red flag... Yes, they are different, but one can still answer if they make their spouse as much of a priority as their spouse's parent does. My husband loves me and his mother, and us him, but I can answer with 100% certainty that he would say I make him and our marriage a priority and treat him better than his mother does. If this is something you can't say or quantify by saying "well, it's different," it is not a surprise to me at all how he's acting. Wife who's almost out the door who can't say she gives him the same priority he gets from his mother, who will never leave... I mean, it's pretty clear.



LoL! What? You're his wife, not the queen. You're not one step down from God in terms of commanding respect and position, especially since love and respect for God is given freely and unconditionally and returned freely and unconditionally. For the rest of us mortals, love and respect us earned and partly up to us to maintain. It's not something we just get because of who we are.

Also, I've never, ever heard the dynamic where a wife demands and receives respect above the parents of their spouse. I've always, always, always seen it expected the wife shows deference to the parents of their spouse due to their age, experience, and role as family matriarch and patriarch. To expect to be regarded second only to God by his parents after just 3 years of marriage? Holy cow. That is totally unrealistic.

Honestly, based on this post and your other post, you seem to have issues with control and you seem to equate not having control to not having love. Love isn't a finite emotion, nor does sharing it with somebody like a parent mean there's less for you. There's no need to compete for it or to assume because he doesn't do what you want every time that there's some sort of lack of love. You have to stop confusing control for love.



The fact you can say that maybe this is what's happening is a big step but also a big sign you shouldn't be surprised at his behavior or expect him to do differently.

Respect is something that one the one hand belongs to one's position as spouse. But it's also something that matures, something that is earned in time, right?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

There's a baseline respect we all get simply because we are human. The basic respect we have for a stranger, for example. We don't rob them, abuse them, speak to them nastily, etc because, as another human, we extend a baseline of respect to everybody.

Respect above that, even for a spouse, has to be earned and maintained through mutual displays of respect and behavior that shows they're worthy of respect. Any failure to do that over a consistent period of time or an dramatic violation of that (like crashing) can cause it to be damaged or lost.

But no, simply being somebody's spouse isn't enough to land unconditional, unfailing, universal respect above that you'd have by simply existing.

 

[faroukfarouk]

There's a baseline respect we all get simply because we are human. The basic respect we have for a stranger, for example. We don't rob them, abuse them, speak to them nastily, etc because, as another human, we extend a baseline of respect to everybody.

Respect above that, even for a spouse, has to be earned and maintained through mutual displays of respect and behavior that shows they're worthy of respect. Any failure to do that over a consistent period of time or an dramatic violation of that (like crashing) can cause it to be damaged or lost.

But no, simply being somebody's spouse isn't enough to land unconditional, unfailing, universal respect above that you'd have by simply existing.

Yes, respect in a marriage isn't all about: "me, me, me; I want, I want I want".

It's about: "us, us, us, we share, we share, we share".

 

[LiveLoveLaugh]

If I were having major unresolved marital issues where divorce/separation is being chucked about, then I would not be surprised affection is dwindling. So I think his behavior is consistent with the situation, especially given that you were at your family's home an on the stroke of midnight I bet you guys exchanged good wishes. So no, I don't think his text to his mother is the crime of the century or something unexpected. When things aren't ok, it's not reasonable to expect that people will continue to act like they are.

As for a man cleaving to his wife, it doesn't mean that he excludes all others for her enjoyment. To cleave doesn't mean all other relationships are dissolved and ones wife is the unending center of love and affection. You have to share the spotlight and his love. If you don't and you make his mother the competition, you will lose. She was around before you and will always be around offering unconditional love. You aren't as sure a bet... You're already talking about leaving. So in that sense, your love is incomparable to hers, and not in a good way.

I would like to clear this up...I did not say it was the "crime of the century"...it just hurt me since he asked to celebrate with my family and then it felt like he did not want to be there with my family, me and our son.

When I said cleave to his wife...I mean emotionally. We should be emotionally dependent on each other. Why would I compete with someone's mother? I am a mother as well. I have total respect for his mother because she is my elder and my husband's mom...but I am his wife. I did not go into full details about things that are a going on in this part of our life because I was only asking was I being too sensitive about New Year's...however I was raised that " a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife"
God instructs a married couple to leave their parents. The Hebrew words used in Genesis 2:24, which states that "a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife," mean "to forsake dependence upon," "leave behind," "release," and "let go."

Jesus addressed the issue when he said that no one was ever intended to come between a husband and a wife (Matthew 19:6). No one! No in-laws, no mother, no father was meant to divide a couple who had made a covenant with each other to leave, cleave, and become one flesh.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[LiveLoveLaugh]

Red flag... Yes, they are different, but one can still answer if they make their spouse as much of a priority as their spouse's parent does. My husband loves me and his mother, and us him, but I can answer with 100% certainty that he would say I make him and our marriage a priority and treat him better than his mother does. If this is something you can't say or quantify by saying "well, it's different," it is not a surprise to me at all how he's acting. Wife who's almost out the door who can't say she gives him the same priority he gets from his mother, who will never leave... I mean, it's pretty clear.

A wife and mother's love are totally different. I love my husband with all my heart. The last thing I would want is to divorce him. I cannot make someone believe that our marriage is priority when he does not make our marriage priority. My question was "Am I being too sensitive"? I would like to feel important...and its not about who loves who more. There should be a balance and understanding. I am almost out the door...because he is almost out the door. You do not know my full story. He is my top priority after God!

 

[LiveLoveLaugh]

LoL! What? You're his wife, not the queen. You're not one step down from God in terms of commanding respect and position, especially since love and respect for God is given freely and unconditionally and returned freely and unconditionally. For the rest of us mortals, love and respect us earned and partly up to us to maintain. It's not something we just get because of who we are.

I love and respect my husband...and every mortal that I know wants the same in return.

God obviously comes first: Deuteronomy 6:5, “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” All of one’s heart, soul, and strength is to be committed to loving God, making Him the first priority.

If you are married, your spouse comes next. A married man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. Here is an example a husband should follow: God first, then his wife. In the same way, wives are to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). The principle is that a woman’s husband is second only to God in her priorities.

If husbands and wives are second only to God in our priorities, and since a husband and wife are one flesh (Ephesians 5:31), it stands to reason that the result of the marriage relationship—children—should be the next priority. Parents are to raise godly children who will be the next generation of those who love the Lord with all their hearts (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4), showing once again that God comes first. All other family relationships should reflect that.

Deuteronomy 5:16 tells us to honor our parents so that we may live long and so things will go well with us. No age limit is specified, which leads us to believe that as long as our parents are alive, we should honor them. Of course, once a child reaches adulthood, he is no longer obligated to obey them (“Children, obey your parents...”), but there is no age limit to honoring them. We can conclude from this that parents are next in the list of priorities after God, our spouses, and our children. After parents comes the rest of one's family (1 Timothy 5:8).

 

[Aryeh]

A wife and mothers love are different, so I am not sure how to answer this question. I know I was raised to believe that a mother should respect a wife's position and a man should put his wife first after God.

It just really hurt me that the first person he thought to show any emotion for was his mother vs. his family so maybe he prioritizes her as number 1 in his life and she treats him the best. I dont know...

The only thing I will say is that mothers and sons have an extremely unique bond with their sons.

Guys don't love just anyone - especially women (out of defense of our hearts.) But, moms for most men are the physical representation of the one woman who has loved them, never turned on them, downed them, talked badly about them, etc. To many of us, our mothers are the archetype for the type of wife we seek out.

I agree with another poster who said it is good that the problem is that he loves his mom "too much," rather than expecting YOU to be his mother.

And, who knows? You may be "the mother" when your children (especially son) grow up - reminiscing with your husband about this time. I don't think this situation is necessarily a red flag; it is commonplace with men who were raised (well) by, and/or love their mothers. The mother-child bond is inherent, because we spend 9+ months in the mom.

I don't think you are being too sensitive, but I don't think it is as bad as other things. (But, again, I am not married.)

 

[LiveLoveLaugh]

Also, I've never, ever heard the dynamic where a wife demands and receives respect above the parents of their spouse. I've always, always, always seen it expected the wife shows deference to the parents of their spouse due to their age, experience, and role as family matriarch and patriarch. To expect to be regarded second only to God by his parents after just 3 years of marriage? Holy cow. That is totally unrealistic.

Honestly, based on this post and your other post, you seem to have issues with control and you seem to equate not having control to not having love. Love isn't a finite emotion, nor does sharing it with somebody like a parent mean there's less for you. There's no need to compete for it or to assume because he doesn't do what you want every time that there's some sort of lack of love. You have to stop confusing control for love.

I don't confuse love with control. When I took my vows " Will you love her, honor her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and in health; forsaking all others" is when I felt that me and my husband are now one flesh and there is simply no competition! My husband's needs, emotions and my love for him is my priority and I want to feel the same way. Like I stated before I did not feel the need to share my whole marriage story...it is disappointing...nor did I say why I was thinking about getting a divorce. It is definitely not because he didn't hug me on New Years or that I am competing with his mother. My husband initiates the divorce conversations and after a while that can really hurt someone who is FIGHTING for understanding and their marriage.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[Johnnz]

He is still immature as a person. He won't accept that very readily though. Some solid male confrontation and teaching might effect some change, but until then you have a very undeveloped 'sponge' in your life.

John
NZ

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Hi, I have been married about 3 years now. My marriage has been a total disappointment and I am at the point of deciding if I want to stay married or get a divorce. My husband is no longer the man I knew 5 years ago. My husband is a wanna be "mama's boy"...and his mom treats him like a baby. I just would like an honest answer about something very silly but important to me. When we welcomed in the New Year at my parents house (his suggestion)...the first thing he did at midnight was text a picture of himself (no family included) and wished her a Happy New Year's...he never turned to me or our child to say Happy New Year or offer hugs or kisses! Things like this happen on a daily basis....him and his mom act like they are married to each other. He has more respect for her than me...and I am really getting tired of it on top of some major marriage issues. "A Man shall...cleave unto His wife." How would you feel?

I know this may sound petty but the small things are becoming the major problems in our marriage.

Did you tell him it hurt you? Sorry if I missed it. Also, if you are contemplating divorce, I'm guessing there are a lot of other disappointments, and smaller things are being magnified?

 

[LinkH]

The momma's boy and 'like a baby' comment make me wonder if you have a bit of contempt for your husband. As far as having respect for his mom goes, 'Honor thy father and mother' is part of the ten commandments.

As far as your other concerns go, how do conversations go when you talk to him about it?