Am I being "shallow"?

[kelcee618]

My best friend is 39, and I'm 19. We get along great, but I am not attracted to him...

He feels we are called to marriage in the future. He would be a great husband I suppose, but because of our age difference and my lack of attraction toward him, I do not feel the same way. (I am not in love with him, either) He is asking me not to pass this up because of "reasons of the flesh".

Is this "shallow"? He would love me completely, and he is very established spiritually, am I passing up this chance? I know I need to pray about this, but I really need some advice and opinions from fellow Christians. This is not how I thought it would be. I thought I would be very attracted to him, and "just know he was the one when I first laid eyes on him."

This is the complete opposite!

Please, some advice. Thank you

 

[Michael J]

I'd say it's a bad idea for the sole reason of you not being in love with him. I'm sure you love him as a friend and fellow Christian, but you're not "in love" with him.

 

[trentlogain2]

seconded. if you're not in love with him nor feel he is attractive, it's a bad idea.

 

[Riot Riot Riot]

I sort of know where you're coming from.

Around Christmas of last year, I was at my church helping put on our Live Nativity that we do every year. After the production was finished for the night, everyone had met in the fellowship hall for refreshments and to return the costumes for the next night.

I spotted my mom sitting at a table talking to a guy. I didn't think anything of it, so I just went over and joined them. I didn't really plan on talking much because I was pretty tired. Well, it turned out that the guy was actually pretty funny and easy to talk to, so the rest of the night there was pretty fun.

The next day, which was Sunday, I saw that the guy was there again. Turned out he was the pastor's wife's brother, and apparently I had "made quite an impression on him", which my mom discovered after she talked to him for a few minutes before service started. Well, on the ride home she said that he actually asked if I would mind corresponding with him because "he's very interested in you and wants to get to know you."

I was a little weirded out by the situation, to be honest. It wasn't that the guy wasn't nice, but it was the fact that I had JUST turned 22 and he was 35, soon to be 36. Also, I wasn't attracted to him at all. Well in the next few weeks my mom kept asking about him, so when I finally told her how I felt about the situation, she got a little upset with me saying that "I needed to give him a chance" and stuff like that, but I wasn't attracted to him in the least, and I didn't like the age difference.

Point of my story is this: If you don't feel anything there, and don't see anything ever happening between you two, then I say don't do it. There's no point in trying to put something there that isn't, and in the long run you could just end up hurting him and ruining you guys' friendship. A lot of times outside pressures to "just go for it" can really cloud our judgment. Of course we should pray about situations, but I'd say in this circumstance I'd go with your heart.

 

[eric246]

Don't force something that isn't there! You need to think long term too. There are plenty of fish in the sea, don't settle for one person because he says "reasons of flesh". Imagine being married to him for the rest of your life, waking up every day and not feeling a connection, wondering why you made the choice you did. Marriage is a life-long commitment. Don't rush into it, or marry someone you don't love with all your heart and soul.

 

[InsightSoul]

From my own experience, love can grow without that initial attraction if you commit yourself to it. I was not attracted to my fiance initially (she pursued me) but now I love her more than I ever loved anyone (Jesus not included).

Read on arranged marriages and you see that they often are more successful (divorce rate) than the Western style dating.

Love is action, not a feeling.

You did say he is your best friend so I know you're compatible in personality.

I do admit you are a bit young to be talking about marriage to a mid 30s guy. Marriage wouldn't work if you guys have different life goals.

If I were you I wouldn't marry him, just because you guys are at such different stages in your life.