Am I Asking Too Much?

[TG39051]

I just came across this forum and think it is just what I've been looking for. I have been dating a guy for just over three months now. Things are pretty serious in that we've bought a horse trailer together and spend our weekends together. We are both divorced. He has two daughters and I have one. He is a great guy. Attends church regularly, doesn't party (like my ex did), has a great family and two wonderful daughters. We share these ideals and interests. He is good with my daughter though a bit tough on her as she does (admittedly) need more discipline.

One thing that I feel is lacking in our relationship is an emotional bond. I like to be affectionate by holding hands, sitting on the couch together, or little pats/acknowledgements while, say, cooking or doing dishes. He prefers sitting in the recliner while watching TV/movies and only occasionally holds hands while driving. He's said that he's not an affectionate person and will likely not change. He can also take my questions as 'questioning' versus questions trying to learn or better understand some things and will get somewhat defensive or frustrated. We've not been out on a 'date' that didn't include either horses and concession stands. He has his daughters every chance he gets and I have mine a minimum of two weekends a month. So we've not had many chances to go out just the two of us on a date. It has actually become a joke with his family that he's not taken me out. We've gone out to dinner with the girls, but as his 9-year-old says we've not been out 'just the two of us'. He is a major joker/picker and I'm more serious. I love to laugh and have fun but find that I am a bit defensive and uptight with him. Yes, I know I do need to learn to lighten up. That's the second thing I need help with!!! These things make me feel insecure in his feelings for me though he says repeatedly that he is not going anywhere, isn't interested in anyone else and cares very much for me and my daughter.

So please, (gently) tell me, am I being too picky? Should I be content with the good qualities that he does have that I've struggled to find in others? We both live in small towns where meeting others is hard. Everybody knows everybody and their business. I waiver between accepting the good and settling. I know no one is perfect. I'm certainly not, but I do put a lot into making my SO feel secure and confident. I'm just really confused and could use some insightful feedback.

I should also add that he broke his heel on a horse after we'd been seeing each other only two weeks and has been on crutches ever since (hopefully released Jan 7!!!). So maybe part of us not doing things has been that. And it's gotten to be cooler and the holidays. So maybe I'm just asking too much??? I really don't know.....

I apologize for the (extremely) long post.

 

[Gods4me]

Get a babysitter and go out. even if he had a broken heel doesnt mean he cant go out for dinner just the two of you.

i dont think you are asking for much i just think you need a child free night to get get close to one another.

 

[overit]

He is good with my daughter though a bit tough on her as she does (admittedly) need more discipline.

One thing that I feel is lacking in our relationship is an emotional bond. I like to be affectionate He's said that he's not an affectionate person and will likely not change. He can also take my questions as 'questioning' and will get somewhat defensive or frustrated. We've not been out on a 'date' that didn't include either horses and concession stands. He is a major joker/picker and I'm more serious. I love to laugh and have fun but find that I am a bit defensive and uptight with him. Yes, I know I do need to learn to lighten up. These things make me feel insecure in his feelings for me. Am I being too picky? We both live in small towns where meeting others is hard. I waiver between accepting the good and settling.

Based on these things that really stood out for me, I'd say you are settling for much less then you want, need and deserve because it's hard to meet other people. Several red flags for me personall, disciplining your daughter-you aren't engaged, or married and he's already "tough". As a single parent myself discipline of my kids is up to me no matter who I dated-and if there was some "toughness" i'd go runnign for the hills.YOu say you like affection, he doesn't...and he's not going to change, you will yearn for it your whole life, is it worth it?Sounds to me as he doesn't put much effort to be with you, withholds affection and "jokes" on you to much-you aren't being to sensitive, you just aren't meeting a match.If you feel defensive and uptight around him, that is your gut feeling yelling at you, do NOT IGNORE THIS! You aren't being too sensitive-we feel this for a reason. Speaking from someone who married an abusive man, he'd do an awful lot of "joking" at my expense when we were dating-then joked I was too serious or sensitive, and I often felt on edge, uncomfortable or defensive...big red flag.Sounds to me like a lot of incompatibility-and that yes you would sadly be settling for a companion that most likely would not end well with you. As a divorced parents it's particularly important that we do NOT settle-as 2nd marriages are even at a higher risk of divorce again. When children are involved it's important to see these issues-these aren't small issues of incompatibility-they are actually IMO pretty darn big. In your shoes? I wouldn't lighten up, I'd sell the horse trailer, split the dividends and go our seperate ways. Just because it's a small town with not much to choose from doesn't mean you should settle for someone who won't meet your needs hon! You are worth more then that! Rather single and alone, then with a companion and lonely-because you would be lonely believe me.Trust that God will brign into your life someone who is more compatible, more into you and kind to your daughter...who seeks to be with you and doesn't make you feel defensive. It'll come in due time. I see red flags waving all over the place with this honestly.

 

[bliz]

You don't sound comfortable with him. Sort of like a job applicant who looks great on paper, but doesn't come off so well in the interview.

Give it a try - see if the two of you can spend some time alone together - but if you don't feel it, it's not to be. That's not being picky; that's part of finding the right person for you.

 

[TG39051]

Based on these things that really stood out for me, I'd say you are settling for much less then you want, need and deserve because it's hard to meet other people. Several red flags for me personall, disciplining your daughter-you aren't engaged, or married and he's already "tough". As a single parent myself discipline of my kids is up to me no matter who I dated-and if there was some "toughness" i'd go runnign for the hills.YOu say you like affection, he doesn't...and he's not going to change, you will yearn for it your whole life, is it worth it?Sounds to me as he doesn't put much effort to be with you, withholds affection and "jokes" on you to much-you aren't being to sensitive, you just aren't meeting a match.If you feel defensive and uptight around him, that is your gut feeling yelling at you, do NOT IGNORE THIS! You aren't being too sensitive-we feel this for a reason. Speaking from someone who married an abusive man, he'd do an awful lot of "joking" at my expense when we were dating-then joked I was too serious or sensitive, and I often felt on edge, uncomfortable or defensive...big red flag.Sounds to me like a lot of incompatibility-and that yes you would sadly be settling for a companion that most likely would not end well with you. As a divorced parents it's particularly important that we do NOT settle-as 2nd marriages are even at a higher risk of divorce again. When children are involved it's important to see these issues-these aren't small issues of incompatibility-they are actually IMO pretty darn big. In your shoes? I wouldn't lighten up, I'd sell the horse trailer, split the dividends and go our seperate ways. Just because it's a small town with not much to choose from doesn't mean you should settle for someone who won't meet your needs hon! You are worth more then that! Rather single and alone, then with a companion and lonely-because you would be lonely believe me.Trust that God will brign into your life someone who is more compatible, more into you and kind to your daughter...who seeks to be with you and doesn't make you feel defensive. It'll come in due time. I see red flags waving all over the place with this honestly.

I feel like I have made him sound like a terrible person and he is not. He is really good with my daughter. He plays with her and they sit and eat popcorn together. He just does not let her backtalk me or be rude to others. He scolds her but does not raise his voice or curse. He has never spanked her. She really likes him and he makes an effort to include her in whatever his girls are doing when appropriate.

I realize it's been just a week since my post, but things have been really good lately. I have been asking God daily to show me a sign if he is the one I am supposed to be with.
Last week, he asked us to move in with him. I told him we would consider it only after my daughter graduated with her kindergarten class and he agreed. I feel that he has been making an effort to hold my hand and put his arm around me more. Maybe I am just more aware of it because I am feeling more confident that he wants to be with me.

Our morning service Sunday was on marriage and family and the wife's role according to the Bible. The pastor 'warned' that the evening service would focus on the husband's role. He doesn't go to evening service often but cut the afternoon short so that he could go and invited me to go with him. During prayers, he held my hand tighter than he ever does.

Maybe I am seeing what I want to see. I don't know. I just continue to ask God for guidance and appreciate others' perspectives. It is always nice to hear someone else's thoughts. I really do appreciate it!!

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

I just came across this forum and think it is just what I've been looking for. I have been dating a guy for just over three months now.

I realize it's been just a week since my post, but things have been really good lately. I have been asking God daily to show me a sign if he is the one I am supposed to be with.
Last week, he asked us to move in with him.

Ummm, am I missing something or is that a little soon to be moving in with someone?
I know you said you wanted to wait until school is over, but that is only 6 months away.....I would have serious reservations about why HE wants to move so quickly? ESPECIALLY, with my child involved in the 'mix' and I, too, wouldn't let him discipline MY kid.....that's just asking for trouble.

Don't mean to sound harsh, but there are 'red flags' popping out all over the place.

 

[tessas212]

It is one thing to overlook flaws in a person, but it is another to overlook the kind of relationship you need as an individual.

You need an emotional bond. He's not willing to give that. He doesn't enjoy talking to you about personal subjects, asking questions, learning alll there is to know about each other. I don't think that is somethign you will just get used to. And I don't think that is something he will become.

 

[overit]

And another red flag, him asking you to move in so soon in the relationship. I pray you make the right choice, from the outside, and one who is experienced in these issues, I honestly feel you will deeply regret this and end up in a relationship you are extremely unhappy with. But of course, we all are free to make our choices...just a ton of bad red flags here. I"m being brutally honest of course.