Am i an idiot?

[heflix455]

So - My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 months. We have alot in common, we can spend 7 days a week together without getting on each others nerves, we balance each other out in key areas nicely, we can share important things that matter to each other and communicate on the same level, we have similar convictions, same financial goals, we both come from awesome christian families and have similar backgrounds, were similar in dorkiness (if that makes any sense - we can be dorks together and be comfortable), shes beautiful and has the softest heart, she supports me, believes that the man is the head in a relationship (which is what ive allways wanted - she lets me lead and in turn i can treat her like a woman should be treated) I made the decision to not kiss her until marriage but we are intensely affectionate with each other (nothing innapropriate - if we did kiss im sure we wouldnt stop), and our parents and friends think were perfect for each other - there is even a pool on when were going to get married. Basically there are no red flags - shes the woman ive allways been looking for and she sees me as the perfect man shes been looking for and i have checked everything off her 'list' and much more.

One prob - I am scared that i dont like her or im bored of her. This probably doesnt make any sense but in the back of my mind there is this this fear. Not sure if its a valid fear or im just an idiot. Ive allways had problems with over analyzing things and isolating myself and i have probably done alot of emotional damage from a previous relationship and my life before i was a christian so im not sure if it has anything to do with this. Not sure if its my own ideas of a 'hollywood romance' mindset that may also be clouding my judgement. I tend to be very practical and overly analytical so i dont think ive missed any red flags. Im not sure if i can get an answer or if i have to figure it out myself but i dont want to ruin something that seems perfect to me. I know love is not based on emotions and that lovey dovey feeling - not sure if i still havnt come to terms with that. I have been thinking of talking with a counselor but i thought i would get some advice from more people here. Any helpful input would be appreciated

Edit: after reading what i wrote and thinking about it, the only real issue is that i dont like talking to her on the phone. Not sure if its because ive never been a 'phone' person (dont like talking on it and you cant see the other person face to face). Its the only thing that really makes me worry about subconsciously liking her or not. When we are together we can spend 18 hours a day and not get tired of each other. Im guessing thats somewhat unusual...

 

[K9_Trainer]

Maybe the chemistry between you and her isn't as strong as you'd particularly like?

That doesn't, by any means, mean you don't love her and care about her with all of your heart. Nor does it mean you can't have a wonderful relationship in marraige with her. It just might take more effort.

I've only been in two serious relationships before. The frist guy was awesome when we were together, he was charming, sweet, Christian, loved animals, everything I could have wanted. But I had the same worries. The relationship I'm in now though, I'm not worried about it at all. I *thought* I had good chemistry with the first guy and we really clicked......But you can take the chemistry I thought was there and multiply it by 20, and that's how it is with my current BF.

But regardless, even if you do have great chemistry, it's normal to have feelings like that. Like you said, love isn't just an emotion or that lovey dovey feeling. Sure, the emotions are awesome, but it goes deeper and it takes work and effort. As one of my favorite teachers used to say, love is an action word.

Talking to her about this will probably help as well. See what she has to say, maybe she's worried about it too, maybe she can reassure you that everything will work out great. Communication is key in a relationship, so talk to her about it

Oh, I wouldn't worry about not liking talking on the phone with her. If your not a talk on the phone type of guy, then your not a talk on the phone type of guy

 

[BeanMak]

Are you worried you are going to miss something better?
Or are you trying to talk yourself into something that should be right and somehow just isn't.

Or maybe you need to kiss her and see if that makes any difference.

 

[K9_Trainer]

No offence to your beliefs and convictions, but I -personally- could never date someone and not kiss them until marriage. It would rip out a key factor of the dating process, and no offence to anyone here, but I think it's a little absurd to try to build a healthy relationship bound for marriage without -any- physical intimacy (I mean kissing, nothing else).

If you are feeling like you might be missing a "connect" with her? I'd say that's it right there.

But honestly I mean no disrespect to your convictions. I just see the whole "no -kissing- until marriage" as a real problem in my book.

~ Lynn

That's what I'm thinking.

Some people click better than others. Like I said before, you can still have a successfull, happy marraige with her, but it might take more effort than if you were with somebody you have that intense connection with.

I also agree about saving kissing till marraige. But that's just my personal opinion as well.

 

[Teufelhund]

So - My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 months. We have alot in common, we can spend 7 days a week together without getting on each others nerves, we balance each other out in key areas nicely, we can share important things that matter to each other and communicate on the same level, we have similar convictions, same financial goals, we both come from awesome christian families and have similar backgrounds, were similar in dorkiness (if that makes any sense - we can be dorks together and be comfortable), shes beautiful and has the softest heart, she supports me, believes that the man is the head in a relationship (which is what ive allways wanted - she lets me lead and in turn i can treat her like a woman should be treated) I made the decision to not kiss her until marriage but we are intensely affectionate with each other (nothing innapropriate - if we did kiss im sure we wouldnt stop), and our parents and friends think were perfect for each other - there is even a pool on when were going to get married. Basically there are no red flags - shes the woman ive allways been looking for and she sees me as the perfect man shes been looking for and i have checked everything off her 'list' and much more.

One prob - I am scared that i dont like her or im bored of her. This probably doesnt make any sense but in the back of my mind there is this this fear. Not sure if its a valid fear or im just an idiot. Ive allways had problems with over analyzing things and isolating myself and i have probably done alot of emotional damage from a previous relationship and my life before i was a christian so im not sure if it has anything to do with this. Not sure if its my own ideas of a 'hollywood romance' mindset that may also be clouding my judgement. I tend to be very practical and overly analytical so i dont think ive missed any red flags. Im not sure if i can get an answer or if i have to figure it out myself but i dont want to ruin something that seems perfect to me. I know love is not based on emotions and that lovey dovey feeling - not sure if i still havnt come to terms with that. I have been thinking of talking with a counselor but i thought i would get some advice from more people here. Any helpful input would be appreciated

Edit: after reading what i wrote and thinking about it, the only real issue is that i dont like talking to her on the phone. Not sure if its because ive never been a 'phone' person (dont like talking on it and you cant see the other person face to face). Its the only thing that really makes me worry about subconsciously liking her or not. When we are together we can spend 18 hours a day and not get tired of each other. Im guessing thats somewhat unusual...

Don't ever ask that question. If you are not in love with somebody you should not marry them. Period. If you are worried that you might not like somebody, it seems extremely unlikely to me that you are in love. Even if somebody is perfect for you, if you don't love them, then it's doomed to never be a real marriage.

 

[Jonesie]

From what you have said, it sounds like this voice in the back of you mind may be a false alarm. I have been dating my fiance for 4 1/2 years and there have been times when we both haven't felt close to each other. It's natural. My love never changed for her, and her's never changed for me, but it's a natural human emotion. There was never a question of my interest in her, but it's human emotions. Now, these feelings never lasted longer than a couple of days. If you are experiencing an extended amount of time where you feel like this, than it should be addressed.

Definitely ditch the Hollywood Relationship idea. You indicated that you don't necessarily hold that view, but lose it altogether. Relationships are a dirty messy process filled with love, anger, happiness, and sadness. Relationships are incredibly hard work and don't stay healthy unless you work on them. All relationships are different. If you love (maybe) and really enjoy this girl, than cherish the moments that you have and work on making the relationship work. It sounds like things are just fine between y'all, but that is only from what I can tell from your post.

I agree with Beakmak. You may want to initiate kissing with this girl. Clearly keep it in check, but physical intimacy is an important aspect of a relationship. Just keep it in check. This may help.

 

[charligirl]

Sounds to me like you are overanalysing (I do that too) But It's only been 4 months, this is such a short time to make any decisions or judgements or even have a full idea of how you are feeling.

Take it easy, perhaps stop spending quite so much time together, if you spend 7 days a week together often 18 hours a day NO WONDER you don;t always want to talk on the phone - you need time apart for a healthy courtship, how will you know how you really feel unless you have time to yourself and God to reflect and miss her.

I would schedule regular nights off, seek God and ... well yes I am with the kissing thing too - but no tongues

 

[Greatcloud]

No your not an idiot I am. Ya wanna know how I know I'm an idiot and your not ? Because I've been that way like you for nearly a year now.

First of all, you are your girlfriend and she is you. Second put the most recent picture you have of her by your bed.

You are going to do fine and likely have a baby together. Just keep on going like you are. Peace out.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I would suggest you ask your gf how she feels about the relationship.

If everything seems to be on track and you really are just over analyzing, then personally I think you should bring the kissing topic up with her. It's your decision, but I too would never consider marrying someone without kissing. Sexual chemistry/passion is important to me. I may not know how intercourse will be with my bf once we/if we get married, but I do know that we are very attracted to each other and I know that we will both be trying to please each other.

 

[Windmill]

I think some physical intimacy including kissing is also a good idea as it will give you a better view of each others natural dispositions relating to physical intimacy as a whole.

Physical Intimacy is a very important part of marriage and it is important to see if your drives for it match up as best as you can before marriage as it can lead to a LOT of marital conflict.

 

[miss_klara]

Have you considered that maybe pressure has something to do with it??
Look at it this way... You've only been together for 4 months. A lot of people feel the way you do after 4 months because it's just not a huge amount of time. It can take years to be sure that the person you're with is the one. But because everything 'seems' perfect, suddenly the idea of marriage is on the cards. Meanwhile, you're waiting for your feelings to catch up!!
It's hard when you look at it logically and believe that based on how well you're matched, you should obviously get married. That's a lot pressure. To make things harder, you have others placing bets on when you'll get married.
It might be completely sub-conscious, but have you considered this?
Just enjoy the relationship, enjoy being together as you have been. Maybe learn some phone skills (althoug I'm with you on that one... I've been with my fiance for a while, I know he's the one, but I'm not that great at talking to him on the phone. Face to face is a whole other story!!!!!)
But at the end of the day, it's been 4 months. Nobody's telling you to make any decisions just yet.
If it's right, you'll know more and more every day. If it's wrong, you'll work it out soon enough

 

[KGirl]

I agree that the large amounts of time together would do that to anyone. If you have no time to miss them it doesn't make the time together as exciting. And I did notice that I started to feel closer when I did things such as cuddling, kissing his cheek, etc. I barely kiss him if ever because I don't want to be very physical either at this time.