AM I alone??

[MandyG]

Hello Every one. I am brand new to the forum. I have been a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ since I was 5 years old and have attended many different churches. I am currently on the leadership team and worship team at a Free Methodist church. I have always compulsions to do routines that make little sense. I was diagnosed as an anorexic at age 18 and then suffered from bulimia shortly after my "therapy" for anorexia. I over came the bulimia 4 years ago; however that is when the obsessions and compulsions got stronger. Fearful thoughts that range from homosexual, perverted thoughts about God, fear of being overweight, and fear about child molestation. These things are all so horrible to me. How can a child of God be having such awful thoughts? So yes, the fear of losing my salvation is there too. Also fear that these thoughts will never go away is there. I went to Kaiser about 3 weeks ago and they diagnosed me as Clinical OCD. What made me go get help were the awful thoughts about child pornography? Theyhave put me on Citalopram. I have been on it for about 2 1/2 weeks and haven't seen much of a difference. I am married to the best man ever and we were trying for a baby. Now however we have decided to stop due to the medication. All the Kaiser therapist tells me to do is let the thought come and think of it as traffic. (I don't know if she really knows how to treat OCD.) How do I not blame myself for these thoughts? They go against everything I have ever believed and I feel so helpless. I went to a Christian counselor and he made it sound like it is a spiritual thing that I have allowed the enemy to have a grasp on me. That really confused me. Then I have read books telling me that I need to confront this fear of child molestation by purposely thinking thoughts about it. How can I do that when the Lord tells us to think on things above??
How can I do that when we are to take every thought captive? I am so confused and frustrated. Before I could handle obsessions and compulsions, but about two months ago I feel like I have just snapped. Oh Lord Jesus, help me!! Am I alone in this? Am I crazy? I thank you all for any advice or comfort you can bring. I have very few friends and I am encouraged to see that such a Christian forum exists. :o

 

[picassoui]

Hello Every one. I am brand new to the forum. I have been a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ since I was 5 years old and have attended many different churches. I am currently on the leadership team and worship team at a Free Methodist church. I have always compulsions to do routines that make little sense. I was diagnosed as an anorexic at age 18 and then suffered from bulimia shortly after my "therapy" for anorexia. I over came the bulimia 4 years ago; however that is when the obsessions and compulsions got stronger. Fearful thoughts that range from homosexual, perverted thoughts about God, fear of being overweight, and fear about child molestation. These things are all so horrible to me. How can a child of God be having such awful thoughts? So yes, the fear of losing my salvation is there too. Also fear that these thoughts will never go away is there. I went to Kaiser about 3 weeks ago and they diagnosed me as Clinical OCD. What made me go get help were the awful thoughts about child pornography? Theyhave put me on Citalopram. I have been on it for about 2 1/2 weeks and haven't seen much of a difference. I am married to the best man ever and we were trying for a baby. Now however we have decided to stop due to the medication. All the Kaiser therapist tells me to do is let the thought come and think of it as traffic. (I don't know if she really knows how to treat OCD.) How do I not blame myself for these thoughts? They go against everything I have ever believed and I feel so helpless. I went to a Christian counselor and he made it sound like it is a spiritual thing that I have allowed the enemy to have a grasp on me. That really confused me. Then I have read books telling me that I need to confront this fear of child molestation by purposely thinking thoughts about it. How can I do that when the Lord tells us to think on things above??
How can I do that when we are to take every thought captive? I am so confused and frustrated. Before I could handle obsessions and compulsions, but about two months ago I feel like I have just snapped. Oh Lord Jesus, help me!! Am I alone in this? Am I crazy? I thank you all for any advice or comfort you can bring. I have very few friends and I am encouraged to see that such a Christian forum exists. :o

you are not alone and you have come to the right place for support ...

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Mandy and welcom...no, you are very much not alone!! If you read through some of the threads on here you'll prolly see much of yourself in what others are describing. Sometimes the content of the obsessions may be different to your own, but the reaction to them seems so similar from one person to the next. I too get terrible intrusive images and it worried me in the past before I knew I had OCD. I'm not saying it doesn't still worry me but at least now I have the knowledge that others with OCD get these too. I struggle too with how it affects my faith and get very fearful and legalistic. My worst obsession surrounds my relationship with my hubby and I can't tell you how hideous I have felt worrying over stuff and looking at him under a microscope and getting terribly anxious when he doesn't do or say exactly what I need him to to make me feel OK.

I understand where you're coming from wondering how to marry up the advice regarding treatment and your understanding of what God wants us to be like. I'm afraid I haven't got this one sussed but there are others on here who can give you good advice. I think the main aim is not to fight the thoughts...not to endlessly ruminate but to recognise that it is your reaction to stuff rather than the stuff itself that is the main problem if that makes sense. I know that a lady called Seajoy started a thread to give help to people regarding a form of therapy called ERP...Emotion Response Prevention which would be worth you looking up. For myself I am trying to do the ERP with my main obsession but must confess that with some of the intrusive thoughts I feel compelled to ask for forgiveness and am too afraid not to. Sometimes it can be very difficult even accepting that the problem is OCD and not something more sinister...ie attack from satan or a real problem such as a spiritual or relationship issue...but what I'm trying to do is recognise the OCD type thinking and reaction and deal with that knowing that when I feel better is the time to discern if there are any real issues to pursue. Often what caused me extreme fear and horrible feelings can seem so different when I feel more well and it's hard to understand why I felt so bad.

I hope something of that may help you at least to feel less alone...hope you get some relief soon...take care and I'm so glad you found us...Rachel

 

[Jpark]

Hi
You are not alone. Certainly not. I too suffer from the dreaded mental illness. I would like you to read the following passage.

Rom. 8:28

Rom. 8:38, 39

2 Cor. 12:7-10

Heb. 13:5

Jeremiah

 

[MandyG]

[FONT=&quot]Thank you so much for responding picassoui & RachelZ. Your words really helped me to know that I'm not the only one with this problem. I feel so guilty too when I drag my husband into my ritualistic routine. Since I found out I have OCD I have greatly reduced my rituals, however it's the fear of "having a bad thought" or when I have one that they will never go away has been really bothering me for the past few days. That feeling of dread and hopelessness is really hard to deal with. Thanks and I am so happy to have support from others who know what this is like!
[/FONT]

 

[MandyG]

Thanks jpark43! I will read those right now.
You guys rock!!

 

[QUannie]

Welcome MandyG,
so glad you are with us and YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I prayed for you sister! I am so sorry you are struggling with this....i am looking forward to getting to know you! my particular obsession now is in my marriage relationship, but i have obsessed about having Aids/HIV, hurting someone, driving, lying, sexual thoughts, not being saved, committing the unpardonable sin, not asking forgiveness right, people following me, checking locked doors,oh the list could go on and on.

one thing to remember, according to james 1:13-15, in v. 14 it says temptation comes from the lure of our own evil DESIRES, these evil DESIRES lead to evil actions......
your words were that your images are "horrible to you"....that is not desire. If you are worried that the images are temptation of some sort, they are not because you think they are horrible, not desirable! You are not enticed by them. they do not fit the description of temptation according to God's Word......which I think many of us fear thoughts like that are temptation or are desires.

i hope this helps.....

Q

 

[MandyG]

QUannie,
THANKYOU so Much. That was the exact thing I wrote down on my list to talk to my therapist today about being afraid that I was being tempted to do these awful things. Today I just can't stop crying I am struggling so. It is so good to know that there are people who care. Thanks again!!
Mandy

 

[Worcester Beacon]

Hi Mandy, you are not alone, you have friends on CF and of course Jesus Himself,.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi mandy... everyone here has given you really good advice. I have "been there, done that" with the gamut of obsessions (the gay ones, the salvation ones, the love my husband ones, the what illness am I dying of this week ones... ) much like it sounds you have, too. This stuff is mentally exhausting, isn't it? It's amazing how our brains can be our own worst enemy at times.

First, understand that God understands OCD. He knows everything there is to know about OCD, including how to treat OCD. If we have blasphemous thoughts, or worries about salvation, or even doubts about turning off the stove, He knows. He also gave us great therapists and methods of treatment to deal with these annoying thoughts. Personally I have used the "confront the fear by purposefully thinking about it" method, otherwise known as Exposure & Response Prevention therapy (ERP). The main goal behind this therapy is to make you un-afraid of the thought - the theory being, the less afraid of it you are, the less you'll think of it. I would first start here in understanding how OCD works: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php

The BIGGEST hurdle to get over is making the thoughts insignificant. In other words, the thoughts are not the problem! It's our response to the thoughts that is the problem.

Secondly I would find a skilled OCD specialist in your area. I believe you're in Colorado like me, right? Go here: http://www.ocfoundation.info/treatment-providers-list.php and search for OCD therapists in your area. Personally (in my own experience) I would recommend choosing someone with a PsyD or PhD. There are many, many well-meaning counselors out there who do not understand OCD and how to tackle it. I wasted my time with a few counselors (and one Christian counselor who also said it was a spiritual problem) before I found one who knew what she was talking about.

Unfortunately OCD doesn't go away overnight, but takes lots of hard work and practice to manage it successfully. Give your meds time, too. Sometimes they can take up to a month to kick in. If they are not working by then, talk to your doc about upping the dose or switching to a new one. Prozac and Luvox (Fluvoxamine) are supposed to be excellent for OCD.

Keep posting... we're here for any encouragement or questions!

 

[MandyG]

Thanks Sad,
You are such an encouragement. To somebody just beginning treatment it is so nice to know that others have had good results. You are right about not taking responsiblity for the thoughts being my biggest hurdle. OCD is such a confusing thing. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. I hope that I can find a therapist that isn't to expensive. Thankyou for the links!!
-Mandy

 

[Phill_R]

hey mandy, i struggle witht he thought aspect of ocd, rather than any rictuals or outward appearances. I wont lie, for me it can be hard, and sometimes terrible. But im finding thoes days are gennerally becomming less. I have found personally, that its worse for me after a lack of sleep. So i try to get decent sleep as much as possible. Apparently every one has these thoughts but people like us, are more aware of them, and because we worry about them, they last longer. 1 in 30, and possibly more (they cant tell because unfortunatly some people suffer in scilence) are affected by OCD, so unless you attend a reli small church, you are unlikely to be alone!

One thing i have found help full is to rebuke bad thoughts and to say out loud something like, i renounce this thought that i am a .......... and it is not from God, therefore as i am saved it has no power over me. Then i try to leave that thought with God.

Personally, I am having issuses with my relationship with my girlfriend, which would be a whole lot simpler if it wasnt for this stuff, so if you guys can pray for me that would be great!

Mandy i will pray for you, and for the other guys here.


In christ Phill

 

[MandyG]

Hey Phill,
I very much appreciate your post! I am sorry to hear you are struggling in your relationship with your girlfriend. I will remember to pray for you. Thanks for your advice. I am so glad that everyone is so open to share their experiences and to be real with where they are at. Today was an up & down day emotionally. Is it that way for any of you, where you feel like you have gotten some headway on recognizing your OCD and then BAM!! a horrible thought that condemns you comes into your mind. Then you question weather you thought it or if it was the OCD & the horrible cycle begins again???

I hope you all are doing well. Thank you for remembering me in your prayers.
-Mandy

 

[Jpark]

MandyG, how are you today?

Josh. 1:5

Jer. 18

1 Cor. 10:13

ACTS 9:4 When we are persecuted, Jesus feels our pain!